MY DADDY’S UP THERE… MY DADDY DIED

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MY DADDY’S UP THERE…

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/  aka GRANNY GEE

This week…. has been quite an emotional roller coaster for me.  Tommy has been on my mind… continuously, constantly, every waking moment, every second almost…. 

I didn’t expect that to happen though, of course… I ‘knew’ the anniversary of his death was soon approaching… May 29, 2012… this coming weekend… Memorial Day weekend…

God, I can’t believe my son died on a special holiday everyone looks forward to, he looked forward to… going to the ocean to play on the sand with Taban.

‘Who’ goes to the ocean to relax, enjoy life… to die?  ‘Who’ goes to the ocean looking forward to playing with a little three year old child… to die?  ‘Who’ calls their mom to tell her ‘we are here safely now, Mom, I’ll call you back in a little while!’ 

That mother lets her guard down, breathing deeply and smiling inside… her son and his family made it safely through that holiday traffic… to their destination. 

Every mother, I’m sure of this…. breathes a sigh of relief when her child goes on a long trip… especially during the dangerous times of the year when millions of people are traveling… mothers know that accidents could happen. 

Yes, I can remember how relieved I was that they’d made it there safely.  In my mind ‘now’… this thought always comes into my mind…. ‘yes, he made it safely there… to die’?

He died where all was peaceful, beautiful… I think about this… wouldn’t we all want this ‘when it’s our time’?  I would … for it to happen quickly doing the very thing we set out and wanted to do.  Tommy made it in time to do just that… just exactly what he wanted to do. 

He and Taban disappeared to go down to the beach almost as soon as they got there… did he ‘know’ he only had a few precious moments to make special memories for his son?

Did he somehow ‘feel the urgent need’ to ‘hurry to the beach’ to keep his promise to his little son? 

The people who watched them play… watched them because it was a ‘special’ sight…. a big, tall blonde guy running, laughing, playing with a little blonde-headed boy who looked just like him.  I can ‘see it in my mind… I can hear them in my mind’… it breaks my heart, though…

Thank God… this was the way his last moments were.  Little Taban can grow up knowing his daddy loved him, his daddy was keeping his promise to play with him at the ocean… his daddy created the most special memory for Taban to carry with him for the rest of his life. 

His daddy spent his last moments with him in the most special of ways… and then, it was time for his daddy to leave.  He had to walk through that invisible door to heaven.  Thank God for the special people whom I think of as ‘angels put there to protect Taban’ because God called his daddy home. 

One of the angels, a stranger…. calls in less than an hour… the caller ID showing Tommy on it… I answer it quickly to speak to my son.  The strange voice said to me …’ma ‘am, I’ve got a man here collapsed on the sand, he’s not breathing’?  My whole world turned upside down….

I just didn’t know this month of May… was going to bring so many tears, so many times choking up inside.. so much ‘extra’ sadness.  Different colors of emotions…. dark, bright, so many shades… right now… I am so gray… I am so gray…. I need my colors back.

Doesn’t it seem now… that it is two years… that it would be easier to cope with a loved one’s death.  There… I said that word… ‘death’.

I’m paying close attention to that word… I am looking straight ‘at that damn word’… it angers me at this very moment, I feel so … damn mad. 

Yes, I said ‘damn’… and I mean it.  The anger is as hot as the tears that instantly sprang up in my eyes… fall, damn you… roll down my face onto my shirt. 

They won’t stop… gray, black… a hint of white… thank-God for the white… colors are beautiful on white… my colors will be back soon.  For now…. I’m very sad.  I surprised myself feeling this anger…  it is there, there’s no denying it.  I tried not to ever feel … anger. It takes my breath away … making me feel breathless. 

I didn’t know I was going to feel mad when I began writing…  I didn’t know I was going to say the word ‘damn’.  But… I felt that anger boil up to the surface quickly… and not only that… I honestly meant it when I said ‘damn’.

Damn… I’m going to cry now.  Again… Should I apologize for ‘meaning to say ‘damn’?  I do … but, I don’t…

　

D..E..A..T..H..  Oh my God… ‘that word’… so final, so heart-crushing.. so, so……. THE END…  Damn!  That’s ‘why’… because no one wants life to be ‘the end’… no one.

THE END… the end of my son’s life, his dreams, his goals, the end of …. everything he wanted to do.  THE END of a little boy, little girl knowing their own father… their real father.

Damn… though at this moment I think it softly, quietly in my mind….. damn, damn, damn.  I don’t mean ‘damn’… in a ugly way at all… I just say it for lack of knowing another word at the moment …. that’s ‘not ugly’… because sometimes… I do feel ‘ugly’ inside.  Just now… I did feel really ‘ugly’ inside …..just for a moment..

I don’t ‘feel ugly inside’ very long…. minutes maybe… I ‘know’ it doesn’t help anything to stay negative.  It’s just so ‘damn’ strange that with all the bad things that have happened in my life…. that I don’t turn into the most meanest, ugliest, horrid…. most awful person in this world.

It’s just a wonder that all of my thoughts aren’t just ‘damn’ ugly… it’s just a wonder that I would even smile …ever.  It’s just a wonder… that I just don’t ‘plain damn-out’ hate… everything.

I can’t be like that… how could I ‘live inside myself’ with such an awful person?  I can’t do it.  The anger doesn’t last long… somehow it magically disappears… thank-God.

Just ‘please don’t trap me inside of myself with hate’…. dark colors… a person can live ‘in jail inside themselves’….. trapped with such feelings… I feel like I can’t breathe thinking about it… 

The negative feelings come… not for long… somehow, they go away.  Do you think they come to test me, to try to find a ‘new home’, a new person to own and control?  Just for a short time… I ‘feel’ them and I decide… no!  I can’t live like this…

I didn’t know … I was going to write ‘all of this’… and say the word ‘damn’… in that way.  This has been the strangest week… so full of tears.. not wanting to go out in public… wanting to just stay to myself.  I didn’t know it was going to be like this …this week.

I just… didn’t know.  Tonight… I’m beginning to feel better ‘inside’… I really sense tomorrow is going to be a much better day for me.  Another sigh of relief… I’m ‘feeling’ now… everything is going to be alright once again. 

I know I’ve said this ‘a million times’ … it really is going to be alright… some things seem to take longer.  I am thinking about Taban, my precious little grandson… I look back in my mind at how he looked up to his daddy, I can’t forget how he hurt because his daddy was gone.

‘My daddy’s up there’, Taban said.  He was pointing to heaven.  ‘I say my prayers every night, mommy and I talk to my daddy.’  ‘I love my daddy’.  ‘My daddy died’.  I remember seeing Taban laying down on the ground to show us that his daddy died.  ‘My daddy’s up there’……………… ‘My daddy died’.  

PERPETUAL GRIEF… NEVER-ENDING

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PERPETUAL GRIEF… NEVER-ENDING

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/aka GRANNY GEE

Thank-God, I am finally home.  I walked through the door so thankful to be home.  Today… I’m not ‘myself’… I’m just… not myself at all.

I saw ‘me’ when I looked at my reflection as I walked by a mirror in the store.  Oh my God… I shouldn’t have even stepped out my door to even let the many birds, squirrels around here see ‘me’ … today.

I looked at my eyes in the rearview mirror several times on my drive home… my eyes ‘don’t feel good at all’ today.  They feel swollen, sore and so, so… bad.

They’ve cried alot lately… the mirror told on me.  I’m sure that’s ‘why’ people looked at me when I was out in public today… they sure were kind to this soul… today.  They will never know just how much it meant to me.

They must have sensed I needed comfort … even though I was smiling and talking to them while standing in line.  I even let several ‘older’ people get in front of me (there wasn’t anyone behind me).

My heart felt good doing that… when I show kindness I feel so much better.  I really ‘need to show alot of kindness right now… to feel better’.

My very soul, heart… ‘me’… hurts so much at this time.  I don’t remember May of last year when I try to think about it… I do remember this month of May.  This past week has been the worst for me.

It seems ‘I’m not out of the woods yet’… I hoped to feel better this morning when I got up.  I didn’t… I feel like I’m still groggy from sleeping.

I came home just now… I looked in my mirror and this is what I saw to make me want to get ‘me’ home as soon as possible.

I saw an ‘older’ woman standing in the mirror.  I leaned closer so I could see better… ‘look at her eyes… oh my God… look at the pain in them’.

I saw ‘my eyes’ look back at me… they are so red from the storm brewing behind them… more soaking tears are yet to come.  I walk around … I’m a ‘storm about to happen’ often… raining so hard soaking the earth’.

I’m not a scary, bad storm… I’m like a spring storm about to ‘rain any moment’… often, for ‘the time being’.

My head hurts, my eyes hurt… my head feels balmy… I feel sleepy from crying so much.  My body aches moreso, I’m… depressed.  I can’t believe I admit this… I’m depressed … but, don’t worry… I’m alright.  I can be depressed ‘in a good way’.

I just felt… ‘I’m too tired now to cry anymore’…. yet, the tears roll down my face.  They are ‘Tommy tears’… I miss my child.  It’s as simple as that… it’s not simple at all… my feelings are very complex.

I feel ‘mad’ that he’s gone… shouldn’t I have felt that long ago… and not feel that emotion now?  I have no way of knowing… I have to learn on my own.

I’m a grieving mother who is learning on her own how to grieve… I’ve done it naturally… long and … hard.  I have no idea ‘how long’ grief is supposed to last.

I’ve been grieving for so many loved ones since 1998… not only that… I grieved for the lost of ‘myself’ as I was before the surgeries to save my life.  I also, grieved over Skip who almost died from his life-threatening illness, surgery.

I’ve grieved for the lost of all of ‘our things’ accumulated over the years … lost in the housefire.  We almost lost our lives, our Pups’ lives in it… we ran so hard to save them.. and got all 4 outside into my Expedition … just in time.  Skip ran back inside to get his wallet… only to almost get trapped inside the burning house.  He suffered burns.

I’ve grieved for the three accidents that almost took Skip’s life … only a few weeks apart.  During that time I even wondered…. ‘is Death out to get Skip’!?

Both were horrible accidents… one in a tractor-trailer in Moriarity, New Mexico (two girls hydroplaned in a small Toyota hitting Skip’s steering tire…. sending him across the median, two lanes of oncoming traffic on I-40 West… to land out on the desert floor…. ironically taking down a Shoney’s billboard on the ‘sail in the air’ before landing).

The second accident happened when he was on his way to the … physical therapist (ironic, isn’t it?)  where he had to go because of the …. first accident!  The police were chasing a bank robber who ran the light in front of Skip!  They almost hit Skip… he stopped in barely enough time in… shock…. not believing what had just happened.. again.

The third accident happened maybe a couple of months later.  That evening he took my mother’s husband back home… he’d come over to help work on the well pump.

Skip took him home in the beautiful red pickup he’d just finished paying for…. they didn’t make it….

A woman ran the stopsign at the crossroad near where we lived…. she never stopped, broadsiding Skip’s pickup and hitting another car sitting at the stop sign across from where she’d come.  Her van flipped and was upside down in the highway….

Skip called me to tell me …. and I went into another shock… I couldn’t believe it… the third time?!!!

Grief… nineteen family members…precious pets, the events in our life, the life-threatening illness/surgeries .. the shocks of so many things that have happened through those few years.

I wonder how many shocks just the ‘average person’ gets in their whole life?  I wonder how many loved ones do they lose in a ‘lifetime’?  I wonder how many couples almost die, just a short time apart… with cancer?  I wonder how many people lose all in a housefire?  I wonder how many wrecks they are in… I wonder how many times they almost… die?  I wonder how many people live to see their child …die?

I don’t know as I have never known any one person who has experienced ‘all of these things… plus, many more I haven’t mentioned yet’….. I’ve known no one to have ever experienced ‘all of these things in their lifetime’…. excepting me… Skip and I.

I’ve learned the hard way by feeling ‘how it feels’, knowing how it feels to grieve…. only I’ve been grieving since … 1998.  I’m ‘grief walking’ in front of you…. I’m old enough ‘now’… that it shows on me, on my face… I can’t hide it anymore…. though I keep on smiling.

It’s taken my youth away… it’s made my hair whiter… I even see some little fine lines beginning on my face.  I’m like an ocean-going vessel riding up and down on the sea… I’ve faced many storms and now, they’ve taken their toll on me…. I ‘see’ it… I’m saddened.

I used to like looking pretty… I used to love my mirrors…………………… ‘now’… only once in a great while ‘do I ‘see’ myself’ …again.  When I do… I am so happy ‘to see me’…. I’m my ‘own lost friend’!

I’ve thought about losing, grieving for my youth… I’ve thought about how so much has happened in my life to steal it from me.  I’m thinking I’ve learned alot the hard way, on my own…. I never knew anyone else to suffer the things I have.

I am going to tell you what I’ve learned through the years of being in perpetual grief…. it will take a long time to tell you… so, as time goes by… ‘you will see and you will know’… maybe some of you have already read, seen some of what has touched my life… what it has taught me, what it is teaching me… what I have left to learn.

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Perpetual Grief…..Tears

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/aka GRANNY GEE

When I begin to feel better, sigh with relief

I’m back in the spin of … never-ending perpetual grief

I can’t seem to be free of pain through all these years

I have learned my best friends are grief and tears

I’ve always been told to choose my friends with care

watch out for ‘bad’ people, just beware

Never did I hear of the ‘friends’ that chose me

Perpetual grief, tears that won’t let me be

Perpetual grief, tears that dominate my life

while I keep trying to be a good person, a good wife

They threaten to overwhelm me, pull me down

I get up, dust my pants as I … look around

Life… I will meet you ‘head-on’, you’ve hurt me so much

I still love you, I’m positive too, happy colors and … such!

Perpetual grief… and tears… I will know always

I’m going to be alright, I mean to for the rest of my … days

PERPETUAL GRIEF… TEARS

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PERPETUAL GRIEF… TEARS

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/ aka GRANNY GEE

When I begin to feel better, sigh with relief

I’m back in the spin of … never-ending perpetual grief

I can’t seem to be free of pain through all these years

I have learned my best friends are grief and tears

I’ve always been told to choose my friends with care

Watch out for ‘bad’ people, just beware

Never did I hear of the ‘friends’ that chose me

Perpetual grief, tears that won’t let me be

Perpetual grief, tears that dominate my life

While I keep trying to be a good person, a good wife

They threaten to overwhelm me, pull me down

I get up, dust my pants as I … look around

Life… I will meet you ‘head-on’, you’ve hurt me so much

I still love you, I’m positive too, happy colors and … such!

Perpetual grief… and tears… I will know always

I’m going to be alright, I mean to for the rest of my … days