I’m Proud Of You, Son …


I’m Proud Of You, Son …
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Watching tv tonight, I watched a young man sing on America’s Got Talent. When he found out he was among the chosen, he put his arm to his face. He pressed it there, to catch his tears.

His gesture touched something deep inside me. Not only that, his whole demeanor reminded me of my son …. Tommy. He was humble … it meant so much to him to be chosen to go on in the competition.

When he left the judges, he called his mother. He told her that he’d made it through. She said the words that I remember so well … words that I used to say to Tommy … many times.

Tears sprang to my eyes … I put my arm up to my own eyes when I heard his mother say … “I’m so proud of you, son”!

Photo credit: Photo is of my son, Tommy… owned by me. I’m fortunate to have my photos. They survived a house fire that destroyed all our belongings. My photos are damaged from smoke, water. I treasure them with my Heart.

I was reminded tonight of how I used to tell my own son, Tommy … many times … “I’m so proud of you, Son”.

Tommy died May 29, 2010 with 2 blockages to his heart. He collapsed at Myrtle Beach on the sand. He’d been running, playing with his 3 year old son.

Tommy made it ‘just in time’ … to play with Taban. I miss my son with my very Heart. I was … most proud of him.

What Did You Plant In Your Garden … Today?


 

What Did You Plant In Your Garden … Today?
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee …..

What did you plant in your garden today?
Did you plant seeds of love, happiness, smiles

Or did you plant seeds of hate, ugliness, meanness
In your garden, today?

The day will come, when you reap what you sow
In your garden today …

You see someone who looks perfect on the outside
As time goes by … one sees what’s beneath ‘the soil’

Hatred, wrinkles, meanness appear on one’s face
Reflecting what was planted many years ago

Like a beautiful flower, one’s face can reflect inner beauty
From years gone by … no matter how life has been

Reflecting how one has choosen to cope with all that life
Throws at us … ugly … good .. bad

I’ve tried to cope with everything, no matter how bad
The worse … being my only child died

The next worse, being … my husband had cancer
The next worse, being … I had cancer

The list goes on, some almost as bad as I named
I’ve lost the very family members I truly loved, many of them

All in just a period of a few years … one bad thing after another
Shock after shock …. grief, more grief

Each time, I tell myself that no matter what, how bad
Everything’s going to be alright

Sometimes, it takes more time than others
To cope with each ‘bad’ thing

Attitude … trying to keep a positive attitude
Makes all the difference … I didn’t say it was … easy

You might be … beautiful … today, on the outside
Years later, one gets to ‘see the real you’ when you grow older

It’s going to come out one way or the other … look in the mirror
What did you plant in your garden … today?

He’s … In A Better Place


He’s … In A Better Place

 

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

 

My son, Tommy and his son … Taban.  The love of my Heart … when Tommy died, my whole world stopped.  I didn’t lose only him … I lost contact with my grandchildren.  I had Skip, our Pups … the rest of my world, though.  I’m so fortunate.

 

 

 

 

He’s in a better place … stop, think about this. I hope no one ever says that to me … again. I don’t know what I will say back to them, or … if I’ll ever speak to them again.

 

I respect some people feel that way when their loved ones die. I even think … some people ‘are better off, and in a better place’, when they … die.

 

There are some people I … don’t feel are in a better place. My son is one of them … he didn’t want to be in … a better place. He wanted to live … he had dreams … hope … plans for his life.

 

He was going to be a parole officer … in the following weeks after his trip to the beach … he would have been working toward his goal. We were so thankful, grateful … because no one would believe the grief Tommy had experienced the year before. That’s another story for … later.

 

Everyone wants to see their children do good with their life. They have dreams for them. Parents want to feel happiness seeing a smile on their child’s face … no matter how old they are.

 

In my case, Tommy was my only child. All my hopes, dreams for my child came to an end … when he collapsed on that beach … to never come home.

 

I don’t have my son to look forward to as I get older. I don’t have grandchildren to look forward to as I … get older. Everything … stopped when Tommy died.

 

My world revolves around Skip, our three Pups … Kissy, Chadwick, and Camie. They are my world … I have no one else.

 

Tommy was the huge part of our world … like a table with four legs. What happens if something happens to one leg … it collapses until one learns to prop the table back up; or … throw it away/quit living.

 

At first, I wasn’t aware I was living. The darkness I was in … buffered me from the pain. Everytime … I would try to come back to the sunshine … like the sunshine, the pain from the bright light was too much … back into the darkness I went.

 

Just before … I was looking forward to Tommy doing happy things with his life. I was smiling inside at … how he smiled, his excitement to go play with his little three year old son at the ocean.

 

The evening before … Tommy’s eyes were sparkling with happiness, excitement. Why did that mean so much? Because, the past year he had lived in … pure hell. He never smiled again after what happened to him. Tommy was living with … surviver’s guilt.

 

The point here is … when Tommy died, he had finally got on the path … people were encouraging him, going to help him go toward his dream. He … had plans, dreams.

 

So, sometimes … I feel ‘pure, white-hot anger’ … when someone says to me, “Gloria, your son’s in a better place, now”. Most of the time, I keep my mouth shut. I try to choose my battles …

 

I think if someone would stop to think about what they say … before they say it … mentally put themselves in a parent’s shoes … whose child has died … think of how it’d feel to lose their child … for a moment, they’d feel that little fear.

 

There’s no way to ‘feel exactly’ how it feels if it’s never happened to you. You … think it won’t happen to you. I can tell you … yes, it can happen to you, just as it happened to me. Suppose … it was your only child? Suppose … that was your … whole family …

 

Would you … think your child went to … a better place? Could you walk around smiling … just knowing you are … going to see him one day?

 

I love everyone … I have a big heart. I’m not a mean person … though, I could be … if I had to be. I’m not perfect. So, if someone tells me that again … know that I might be ugly enough to turn my back on you … and walk on with my life.

 

I don’t think … Tommy, my only child … my son … I don’t think he is in a better place.

 

 

Note:

 

I think when people tell a bereaved parent such … they’ve never experienced losing a child to know the most horrible pain they’ve ever known in life.

 

I think they tell someone that because they’ve learned it from others … think it’s the thing to say. I think, also … it’s to help keep a person from talking out loud about their loss; no one wants to hear a grieving person talk.

 

No one need to worry … I won’t talk about the loss of my child to anyone. I can write my grief. He ‘didn’t go to a better place’ …

 

 

I am writing my grief, as promised.  That’s what my blog is all about … real life.  If you don’t agree with me … that’s okay, I respect your beliefs.  I write grief … I know it best in life … grief, pain.  I don’t write it to gain sympathy; nor do I wallow in self-pity.

 

A person can come here to read … just like in a quiet library.  When finished, just click away to the next website.  You can go away each time, learning how a grieving mother feels … without experiencing the real thing.  I pray you never do … as a mother, I can’t tell you of any worse pain.

 

Thoracotomy Syndrome… Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma; ‘Forever Pain’


Thoracotomy Syndrome… and Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma…. ‘Forever Pain’

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee…

 

 

If anyone has ever had a thoracotomy surgery… they know how severe the pain is… always.

If anyone has ever had… two thoracotomy surgeries… that normally doesn’t happen… you know the ‘forever pain’… and how ‘out of the blue’… such pain can just begin ‘rolling’…. and I can only describe it as … an ‘earthquake in my chest’.

I am over it now, thank-goodness! :))) It’s called ‘thoracotomy syndrome’… I’ve had two… thoracotomies. I can’t describe the ‘forever pain’.

I have tried medicine for the first time in sixteen years …to help the pain go away… I gave out of it several weeks ago…I thought I wouldn’t hurt anymore. I have been finding out ‘what I’ve missed’ …. I called the doctor, made an appointment… I have to wait until July 10th.

The good thing about the medicine is that it isn’t a narcotic… I stressed that when he prescribed medicine to me. The doctor wasn’t used to having a patient ‘not wanting’… narcotics. I was so amazed, myself. :)))

The pain is what I was coping with lately… I wasn’t going to write about it… but, now, I wonder if anyone else has went through the surgery, much less ‘two’ of them like I have… and has .. thoracotomy syndrome?

I’d be so interested in hearing from you. I’ve stayed private about this for so long… that’s ‘why I don’t know’ anyone else who has ever experienced it. Same way with having …. non-Hodgkins lymphoma.

 

 

 

 

NOTE:   I wrote these two posts on my Facebook and on Precious Camo (Camie’s) status tonight.  I am sharing it on my blogs.  This is a part of my life I live with everyday.  I hope maybe someone will know about this, share their experience.  Also, let you all know that when I don’t write for a short time (unless my internet’s not working for some reason)…. that I’m experiencing this.  It’s okay… I had to go through all to be here… today.  Everything’s alright, no matter what.  :))))))

 

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Camie Update: July 01, 2014…. Tuesday

 

 

I haven’t updated this evening

 

because I wasn’t well. I am just fine, now. :)))) I shared with everyone

 

about what I went through. It’s something I’ve suffered with for sixteen years.

 

Pain….. This is a pain is unlike any I’ve ever

 

known. The good thing is… it’s eased off. :))) I find myself looking

 

forward to going back to the doctor… while I took the medicine for the past

 

three months… I forgot how ‘bad’ the pain is. So, when I gave out

 

several weeks ago…. I thought I would be just fine… everyday… it began to

 

get progressively worse…. this evening being the worst. Now, I know better.

 

:)))) I look forward to my appointment on July 10th. I never complain

 

about this pain… nor do I talk about it. Why? It’s me… I’m very private.

 

I will write time to time about it. Tonight, I was thinking …’that’s why I

 

don’t know a lot about it’… I don’t know of anyone who has ever had a

 

thoracotomy…. especially anyone having … two thoracotomies.

 

Anyway…. I know people have emailed me… messaged me about ‘why’ I haven’t

 

felt well lately. This is what I’ve been going through I said that I

 

don’t complain…. the reason I don’t, is because it’s ‘my trade-off to live’.

 

When I had both surgeries… it meant life or death. I have

 

non-Hodgkins lymphoma… cancer. The good thing is that I’ve survived it…

 

I’ve never complained, nor ‘asked why’…. not even one time.   I knew

 

inside that it happened to me for a reason… three years after I was

 

diagnosed…. and still battling it…. Skip was diagnosed with colon cancer. I

 

‘knew’ that was ‘why’….. I knew he could get well. He saw firsthand all I

 

battled… and cared for me. I did the same to him… we made it. I

 

know this has nothing to do with Camie’s update, tonight. Then… again…

 

maybe it does. I rescued her one year ago… she was at Death’s Door… I knew

 

that if I couldn’t make her live…. she would not die alone without love,

 

comfort, and having me nearby her almost every moment. So, when I say

 

I’m not well… it doesn’t mean I’m dying. It just means I’m going through

 

what I call ‘forever pain’… because it’s pain that never goes away. That’s

 

okay, I’ve known pain since I was old enough to hurt, be aware of it. I’m not

 

afraid of it… it has strengthened me. It’s worth it… to live.

 

Camie and Kissy are at this very moment trying to get me to come to bed….

 

Chadwick and Skip are already in the bedroom. :))))) That tells you… she is

 

doing fine this evening. I’m amazed when our Pups come to be near me

 

when I go through the times like this evening. The pain makes me cry softly…

 

but, it doesn’t mean I’m weak. :))))) I wanted to tell you all

 

this… you won’t see me write about it very often. I feel you should know….

 

so many of you care about Camie… she’s a part of your day each day. When I

 

don’t feel well… you’ll have an idea why. :))) Goodnight everyone.

 

Everything is alright…. it’s still alright when I go through it…. it’s just

 

hard to write at that time! :)))))

 

 

 

Child Porn…


Child Porn…

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

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Gloria Faye Brown Bates… little innocent child

 

Children from 1 year to … 14 years of age. That’s right… that’s what I heard on the news this evening. They have arrested several adults, still looking for a middle-age man who looks like someone’s ‘dear old grandfather’. They’ve been videoing these children in … sexual acts.

I can’t even think of what people do to a … 1 year old child. I do know what they can do to a little three year old girl. I was a victim at that age. No one knew… I didn’t even know… that I knew. As I became older… I knew what had happened to me.

My uncle molested me as a little girl… that time has always stood out in my mind… it must have been very intense for a memory to burn into a little girl’s mind. I remember the cookie… laying on the floor of the pantry… just before, I had been looking out the window where the sun was shining… yearning to run, play with the other children……

I was always afraid of that particular uncle… he had an awful temper. My aunt, their children were afraid of him. He was a pillar of the community… a professional businessman. Everyone respected, liked him… ‘why, he was a wonderful person; he could do no wrong’…. I never told on him. What could I tell… I didn’t have words for what happened….

Before that… a ‘sweet, old’ grandfather….. “give me your hand, Faye”. I won’t write about it… for now.

I hope you watch your children… boys, girls alike. There are sick people around… waiting for your back to turn. When you look back, all you’ll see is an expression of love, caring. You’ll never see them …drooling… when you aren’t looking. A child doesn’t understand… not a very young one.

I do love seeing how grown-up children are in today’s time. They are so smart, knowing what’s going on in their world. They don’t mind telling on someone who tries to hurt them in any way. They’ve been taught to … tell someone. When I was little… ‘such things didn’t happen’. How could a child tell something it didn’t have words for?

The one time I did tell when I was about ten, eleven…. my mother became angry at me… or so, I thought. Then, I learned she believed me… the man seeing her… wasn’t there anymore.

She had left me in the car with him one late evening while she kept a doctor appointment. I wore dresses as a little girl… the man’s hand reached between the seats… you can imagine.

Seeing the ages of the children from one to fourteen… this evening on the news… reminded me of how innocent little children are.

I’m aware of child porn all over the world… at times, I get a glimpse of it on tv, on the computer. I’m always shocked … to see children solicting sex… they’ve been taught to do so.

I just saw something recently of little girls dressing very provocative… strolling the streets to be picked up (they weren’t teenagers, either)… in another country. I was shocked… I hadn’t seen that side before. I felt so sad…

I know there’s so much I don’t know… haven’t seen, nor have a hint of in this world… to do with … child porn.

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Photo is of me… owned by me… #Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka #Granny Gee

Story is written, owned by me… Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

Just Tell Them To Pass It Forward… Without Any Strings Attached


Just Tell Them To Pass It Forward … Without Any Strings Attached

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

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Sometimes… I stop, think about friends, and real friends. There is a difference in the two.

Friends are the people you choose to be friends with in ‘everyday’ life.

Real friends… are rare. In each person’s life… I bet they have less than five… real friends. This is my personal opinion… ‘you’ may have more than that… ‘you’ may think you do.

In real, everyday life… friends make up our very world. Real friends… make up our very world… they overlap into our life that everyday people don’t know… exist.

Real friends know the things we hide from everyday people, friends in general. They can know when we cry… when we are upset about something… know when we go through hard times, not wanting the whole world to know. They know a lot of our… secrets.

I can honestly say… without a doubt, that both Skip and I have four such … real friends. We can count them on our hands… one hand each. One… two… three… four. They are only so close… as close as we could allow anyone to be… in our life.

Our privacy is very important… we learned to treasure it. Through time when we wished for a big family…. and lots of love… no one was there, especially after they got things they wanted… that was the end of them. No one was there, when each of us became deathly ill, almost died.

We learned that we could trust, depend on only the other. We didn’t want from the other… we wanted to give, take care of us… our Pups. Now… our whole world is in front of us at any given moment… Skip and I, and our three Pups. We can turn our head… our whole world is ‘right there’.

We know we are loved; we don’t have to worry about someone loving us ‘one moment’… not caring the next moment. We are real… we aren’t like that. It doesn’t matter if someone can ‘give us something… or not’. A lot of people will ‘love’ you… as long as you keep giving….

Our ‘bestest’ real friend is gone. He died May 29, 2010 with 2 blockages to his heart. He was my son… Skip’s son, just as well. He and Skip were very close. He and I were very close… we all three were… most close. We were… ‘tight’… if the other suffered… we all felt it. We would give each other the moon… if possible.

A huge part of our life died … with Tommy. He meant the very world to us. We meant the very world to him. I miss Tommy with my very Heart. At this moment… I could sink to the floor, sob with deep grief for him. I won’t… I’ve learned somehow, to cope with his death. I had to learn on my own.

I thought about real friends because… I was thinking of who seemed to care about us the most. We never bother anyone… we never ask anything of others… yet, there are four people who seem to know without really knowing… when we are hurting; when we need something; who care.

They don’t have to ask us if we need something; they seemingly know. It’s like us… we don’t ask when we give people things to help them… we ‘just know’. We find a way to do it without hurting pride. It hurts when we see someone in need… and we are in need at the same time… and we don’t have something ‘to make things better’ for them.

We have given to others… half what we have, giving the best to them. They don’t have to be our friends… we see ‘need’. We care. I truly wish we were rich… oh, the difference we could make in this life.

I failed at ‘saving the world’ as a young person… when I thought I could. I could ‘save the world’ … around me, now… if I were rich.

I think ‘saving the world’ means… ‘save the people you see around you who need, suffer… wish. Each person could do their part… by looking around them… can you imagine? Sadly… people aren’t like that… most are about ‘me… me… me’.

There was a time… when we… did make a difference in the lives of strangers, homeless people… family. Those days have long since gone.

I miss doing ‘wonderful things’ to make someone happy. I miss seeing pure joy, happiness in the eyes of someone I did something ‘good’, for.

I see people who need… and it doesn’t take a lot to bring pure happiness into their life. The sad thing is … we don’t have it to give. We can only share what we have… wishing we had so much more to give… to make someone happy.

One of the greatest joys in life, in my ‘Gloria Opinion’… is giving… and if possible… make someone’s dream come true…. without any strings attached.

Just tell them to … pass it forward, without any strings attached.

 

I’m Not Well….


I’m not well… and depending on how I am feeling… will determine if and when I get on the computer.

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I wanted to let everyone know that this week I may not be on the computer very much. I haven’t been well for several days… depending on how I feel, will determine when I get on the computer.

Camie, Kissy, and Chadwick are doing well. No matter how we feel, they are always taken care of first. They are our precious babies.

Love, Gloria