The Pain, Grief Is Always There… I Have To Stay On Guard


 

The Pain, Grief Is Always There… I Have To Stay On Guard

 

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Ged

 

We spent time in Skip’s study today.  Skip was moving his photos around while taking a soft cloth to dust each.  He took the Bible from the bookcase and looked through it while I was arranging some books.

 

“You put this here”, Skip said.  I was curious as to what I had put in the Bible.  I couldn’t remember what in the world it could be.  I looked toward his hands to see the Bible opened to the white pages at the front.

 

I could see something was taped to one of the white pages.  I couldn’t imagine what it could be.  He handed the Bible to me, as I looked at what was taped to the white page, I had to sit down in his desk chair.

 

I felt the worst pain in my heart… an old familiar pain.  I felt the overwhelming need to cry.  Tears began pouring from my eyes, I tried to hold them back.

 

Oh God, that hurt so bad.  I was trying to read the paper that was taped inside our Bible.  I read it but, I couldn’t tell you at this moment what that paper said.

 

For moments it felt like I was in the past… that serious, deep pain was inside my heart… I felt the darkness again.  I quit smiling, I was crying inside.  I felt ‘lost, disoriented’ …..

 

The paper that was taped inside the Bible was an obituary… oh my God… it was my own son’s obituary.  Oh my God, my heart began hurting so much… I slipped into the darkness again.  I was overwhelmed with grief.  I had to give the Bible back to Skip.

 

I fought to not stay in that darkness, I pulled the curtain back so, I could come back to the sunlight… thankfully, I had entered only a short distance.

 

I was going to be alright.  I felt such an overwhelming feeling of missing my son that tore at my very soul.  I told Skip, “Skip, I miss Tommy so badly.”  Skip understood, he has missed Tommy, also.

 

I put my head down on my hands, my elbows rested on Skip’s desk.  I began rubbing my eyes, my temples.  I tried to rub the pain away I was experiencing.

 

Skip began talking to me about different things … thankfully, I got past this… I got past the storm that threatened to ruin this beautiful day.  There was a time, I wouldn’t have come out of it, I wouldn’t have seen my way to come in out of the storm of grief.

 

Later, the sun began shining again as I got busy doing things, listened to Skip as he talked.  I also, got past this storm being so thankful that Skip is getting stronger every day.

 

I made it through this storm…  I am still in the sunlight.  I’m afraid of that darkness that reached out to envelope me.  I don’t want to go back there… it’s too easy to get lost.  The pain, grief is there always waiting for me… I always have to be on guard.

 

 

 

 

 

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12 thoughts on “The Pain, Grief Is Always There… I Have To Stay On Guard

  1. Colleen, that was beautiful… yes, you are right… I see your words in my mind as being a lighthouse while a boat tosses, turns out on the ocean trying to find shore… it will as long as it
    goes toward that light. Yes, Skip’s voice has been, is a beacon. You said that perfectly. GG/G :)))

    • Yes, it was difficult… it was so real, so strong. I had to think of Skip and what he’s been through in the past 2-3 weeks….I made it through. I’m so thankful to… in my mind I ‘keep looking there’ because it was so intense, deep…

    • Thank you, Jlee. I keep feeling ‘deep twinges’… I don’t know how to describe it any other way…. today. I am staying strong…. I’m used to doing that… so, everything will be alright… even when sometimes, it isn’t. :)))))) I’m happy you are here!

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  3. I know that you are strong … I wouldn’t know where my bible is .. and I don’t miss it at all. I think it’s wonderful that you can find your strength and comfort in your bible and believes.
    Don’t have a clue where I get my from … but I believe in myself and the strength I have in me, that gives me comfort … that doesn’t mean I’m self-centered or full of my self, even if it happens. We all have or demons … and neither we can fight them or we can learn to dance with them. I prefer the last option.

    • Viveka, I don’t sit and read our Bible… but, like you I am a good person. I didn’t remember it was in the bookcase until Skip and I found it. You are right, we all have demons, again like you, I have learned to dance with them. :)))

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