Measuring Pain To See How It Feels Now…
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Well… Thanksgiving is next week. So far, so good. I’ve been observing myself, my reactions to the upcoming holidays. This is the third year we won’t be spending holidays with Tommy.
Last year, I’m sure alot of my readers will remember how the holidays affected me. I think I tried to describe the grief, pain I honestly felt… my words full of pure, raw pain. Oh my God… no one knows ……. unless they felt or is feeling… the loss of a child.
Tommy’s birthday is November 20th… next Tuesday. Thanksgiving is on the 22nd this year. Tommy’s not going to be here to spend any time with Skip and I. Nor is his children…….
He can’t, he’s gone. Tommy died May 29, 2010. My son died May 29, 2010. My only child is …gone. There’s no one now, only Skip, the Pups, and I… I don’t have a child anymore. It seems I don’t have grandchildren anymore, either.
I don’t even know if I’m still a ‘mother’… if someone ask me if I’m a mother, how do I answer that? It’s like being a ‘grandmother’… I’m not either anymore, only in name. I feel like I’m an imposter…. I don’t have anybody to validate being mother, grandmother… everyone is gone.
Do you see how I have written the last paragraphs? I have to do it that way… I have to tell myself that Tommy’s gone, Tommy died. I have to meet it head-on, face that pain. I have to tell myself that he’s gone… he died. As I face it, it’s like standing in front of a big truck… I have to step away out of its path… or it’ll crush me.
I have to tell myself … I’m never going to see my grandchildren… his son, his daughter. Two children who look so much like him… two children who can make the sunshine come out on a cloudy day…with those ‘Tommy smiles’… two children who make my heart feel such softness, love whenever I think of them. God, how I wish to see those two dear, sweet faces, their ‘Tommy’ eyes… full of mischief, full of fun, just like their daddy.
It still hurts really bad… I’m feeling it deeply now, at this moment. Writing this, making myself say it, read it… is like pulling a thick, soft curtain back that buffers me from really bad pain. I become very upset quickly… I mentally drop the curtain back into place quickly. Yes, I just measured it… that pain is still there. Yes, it still hurts me deeply.
I just took a mental measuring stick, put it into the ‘fuel/pain tank’ to measure the pain. It’s still full of pain, grief… it isn’t anywhere near being ’empty’. If gas in a tank of a car stayed full like this… we’d all have gas forever.
So far though… I think I’m going to be alright. I know there are going to be times….. but, I want everything to be alright, I’m trying hard to stay ‘happy’. I’m trying to feel all the excitement I can so, I can look forward to the holidays. I want to make all good for Skip, the Pups, and I. I … think I’m going to do it this time.
I’m mentally placing that thick, heavy curtain back over the ‘fuel tank of pain’… I want to put all I can between myself, and that pain. I want to make our holidays nice this year. I don’t want to make Skip sad… I don’t want to be sad. I’m determined for the holidays to be happy, at the same time, remember Tommy, Taban, and McKenzie.
I’ve been measuring the pain to see how it feels … now.