I Can Dust My Pants Off Now… Walk Away


 

Tommy Mitchell Sidden holding his newborn son shortly after he was born... 3-16-2007

Tommy made it just in time to the hospital to welcome his little son, Taban, into the world.  March 16, 2007… proud father.  My only son with his only son….. (Tommy has a precious daughter named McKenzie, Taban’s big sister… they have different mothers)………………. 

Taban and Tommy  1-1-2007

This photo was taken the following year, 2008 (not 01-01-2006)……  Tommy and his son, Taban… 

 

I Can Dust My Pants Off Now… Walk Away

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

This morning I thought of you, Son

I smiled, knowing I wasn’t going to cry this time

I closed my eyes so, that I could see you

When I finally opened my eyes

I discovered I was crying

Crying, because I miss you so much

I can only wish what all mothers do

Wish that you were here… not there

I cry for you, I miss your voice

I miss you, seeing your sweet face

Hearing your funny jokes

Even picking on me, messing up my hair

Son, you left so unexpectedly

Leaving such a hole in my life

I can’t seem to fill it back up

Nothing can take your place

Because it’s a Son’s place

In a loving mother’s heart

Sometimes, I cry ‘Please come back, Son!’

Knowing how silly I must sound

Yet, I still do it… I want my child, my son

It’s been two years, two years too long

That you’ve been gone from our life

It’s been two years that I’ve cried many tears

Tears that no one sees, cried in private

So, I won’t hurt anyone else

Because I would break their heart

I write here, it’s all right

This is my place to come

To write my pain out… in words

I don’t hurt anyone else, make them sad

If they choose to read my words

It’s because they wanted to

If they feel emotion from my words

Please let it be in a positive way

To know that this mother loved her child

To know that this mother had to find a place

To come to, to let the grief pour out

Because it hurts so bad, too bad to hold inside

I didn’t think I would cry today

I did, I miss you, Son

I wish you didn’t have to … go away

I sit here, rub my eyes, my tears

My nose is stuffy

My thoughts are on you

The little baby I once brought into this world

A child who knew so much pain

My child, my son… how I wish I could have protected you

Christmas is here again, you aren’t here… again

There are lots of sons who will go home to their moms

Mine won’t be coming home to me

I pretend you are on a trip, it helps me to make it through

I tell myself you’ll be here later in time

Just like when you were on trips, you did come in time

I feel like a little girl whose mother went away

To leave her behind, how she sat, cried her eyes out

Cried her very heart out, the pain too great

Son, please come back to me, please come home!

I say this knowing it can’t ever be

I say this to feel how it feels to say these words

I sit here gazing into the computer screen

I see, but, don’t see the words that I write

I see the reflection of daylight in the window behind me

I see the sun is shining

How bright it seems, how happy it is

I feel my heart lifting, my tears slowly stopping

For a moment, grief overwhelmed me

Once again, as unexpected as when Tommy went away

For this moment, I’m all right… I’m smiling with tears in my eyes

I just missed my son, that’s all

He was so funny, he was so full of life

My son was everything to me

He’s gone now, never coming back

I just have to get used to it

Whether I like it or… not

He’s not coming back

He’s not coming back

He’s not coming back

Do I need to write it 500 times

On the blackboard in my mind

Would the pain go away?

I guess Time will help to heal such pain

Sometimes… I think it has until

This happens again, grief overwhelms me

Grief overwhelms me like an avalanche

When it comes rolling down the mountainside

Crushing, tumbling me through the white snow

Thankfully, once again… I get back up

I was thrown clear, I wasn’t drowned in grief

I can dust my pants off now… walk away

 

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15 thoughts on “I Can Dust My Pants Off Now… Walk Away

  1. As long as you and his children live on he will never be truly gone.

    We are remembered by those we love and those who love us.

    God bless my lovely friend!

    Prenin.

  2. this post not only is heart breaking but makes me i bit worried for my loved ones. i wonder if they will suffer as you have. while i want to be remembered i don’t want them to experience this kind of pain.

    thinking of you and wishing you peace of heart.

    • I can understand your concerns very well. I always worried for my son when I was very ill… I never knew that he would be taken away unexpectedly, first. We think our children will always be there for us. If we could have talked, known… but, then again, who am I to say? I only know the pain in my heart. 🙂

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