Today Is Christmas 2012 … Granny Gee Waits


Tommy and Gloria, Lonely HedgeHog and Presents 014

Today Is Christmas 2012 … Granny Gee Waits

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

Today has been a very quiet day

I hear the wind chimes as a breeze blows through them

Ringing softly in the golden sunshine of the day

Several times I felt I would cry, but, I didn’t

Instead… I looked out over the treetops

Up to the sky, thinking of someone I’m missing

I listen to the Christmas music coming from the stereo

In the background… Feliz Navidad, Feliz Navidad

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock

My head moves in rhythm to the happy music

All at the same time I’m blending sadness, happiness

To bittersweet … just as my thoughts are today

Today is Christmas Day … Skip, Pups, myself

I’m so thankful to have … the four of us

Still, there’s such sadness in my heart

As you embrace your son, I miss mine

I sit here, imagine all the happy smiles on mothers’ faces

I even smile at a memory of myself as a happy mother

My smile goes away, because it is just a memory

Tommy’s gone, he’s not here this Christmas Day

For a moment, my silent scream to God shatters

The quietness in my mind, shocking myself

Not only that, for a moment I feel

White, hot anger burst from my very soul

God, why did you take my son away

Why did he have to die, why?!!!

I’m angry, I’m so mad, I hate, I hate…

The tears begin to fall, hot … scalding

I have to hide them quickly because I hear Skip coming

I hold my head down to my keyboard, engrossed in typing away

I can’t let him see my grief, so pure … so raw

I make the tears go away, I make a smile on my face

Don’t upset Skip, I think

He’s been down, too… he doesn’t need more

Of this grief, stress … things already on his mind

Straighten up, Gloria … tomorrow Christmas will be gone

It’s only New Year‘s Day left to go

Have you ever watched to see who makes it to the New Year

I wonder if I’ll make it to year 2013

We never know until that moment comes, the clock strikes twelve

It’ll be another year that Tommy has been gone

May 29, 2013…. it’ll be three years

It seems so much longer, yet … it seems like yesterday

I’ve been crying over him, missing him

Do you know … I still can’t believe Tommy’s gone

I look at his photos … he’s still so real

Just like he could walk up and say… “hey, mom!”

I could say “Tommy, your ole mom loves you, I’m so glad to see you!”

But, I can’t do that, he’s not here

No matter what you say, I say

He’s not here, he isn’t coming back

I could cry until I died… he still wouldn’t come back

I can ask ‘all the whys in the world’

I’m never going to get an answer

It’s like standing in front of the wall

kicking it, kicking the pure hell out of it

That damn wall isn’t going to speak to me

No matter… how hard I kick it

It will never say anything, so asking ‘why’

Is only a waste of time, waste of breath

Can you feel the anger that burns underneath

I feel it now… most of the time I don’t

Why? does it wait to come out at certain times

Turning me into a volcano… almost ready to explode?

The guilt I feel from feeling this way

Like I’m feeling something so ugly, so mean

So, I don’t want to feel this way at all

It’s not how I really am, I feel ashamed

I just want to be me, be all right again

For now, I don’t ‘feel myself’, I stay away

From people so, they can’t see such a person I am for now

A sad, angry person who doesn’t want to be that way

I will be all right soon, this has happened before

Somehow, I manage to get past such times

I’m working hard at getting to another place in my mind

To feel peace again, even if for a little while

You don’t know this, I’m pretending I don’t

I’ve been waiting … waiting

Waiting for what, I pretend I don’t know

Just in case it doesn’t happen … my heart will be … protected

I am waiting to see … waiting for what, I pretend I don’t know

Waiting … not thinking about…. ‘what’…. at all

I’m waiting, not saying a word …. I’m not the only one

Pretending we don’t know that we are… waiting for what… I don’t know

I sit here quietly… I carry my cellphone close to my heart

Wishing, hoping to hear it ring

To tell me that soon… my wait will be over

Tell me who I’ve been waiting for … I will soon see!

It doesn’t ring to let me know what I pretend I’m not waiting for

So, it seems I’m waiting for nothing

It must be, because I’m waiting for what, I don’t know

Merry Christmas, my little grandson … Merry Christmas, my granddaughter

Love, Granny Gee (Christmas 2012)

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17 thoughts on “Today Is Christmas 2012 … Granny Gee Waits

  1. For some reason I am not getting your blogs. When I bet a blog email, I always leave a comment. I do wish I could make your pain go away. Just know I am always here for you! Love, Ms. Nancy

    • Ms Nancy, I got your comment here. I’m seeing them on my happycolorsandgrannygee.blogspot.com, too. Maybe it’s easier to come here. I know you’re always there, it means the world to me. Love, Gloria

  2. Pain is what keeps us alive.

    As long as we hurt we remember.

    As long as we remember those we love live on inside our hearts.

    Love you Gloria! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Prenin.

  3. My comment should have read, “When I get a blog email”, not bet a blog email. Sorry for the mess up. I tried to edit it but this site would not let me. Love, Ms Nancy

  4. while i fully understand your anguish and the huge loss you have suffered i have to wonder. the last few days i have been silent witness to much suffering and it moved me to ask a couple of questions. when i think of the brother with parkinson’s and how he and his sister suffer, or the husband who has advanced pd or the young woman in south africa who at this very moment could be taking her last breath, i ask …. couldn’t we have a miracle? after some time it came to me in a voice as clear as day. there are many miracles every day and in these people’s lives. they are loved and they love. several people from our small town have died over this holiday season and while we want to ask why i have to ask why not them? if god let his own son die then why wouldn’t others do the same..

    in my own case, i am pretty sure this was my last christmas and rather than ask why me i think it is fortunate it is me and not someone who has not lived a full life and known the kind of love i have. tommy knew real love and lived a blessed life. he had you for a mother and he had children to love.

    please don’t be offended or think i am heartless as i am not and it is not my intent to demean your suffering in any way. i just hope you will find a way to make peace with his leaving. he would not want you to suffer like this. he would want you to remember him and his time here with joy.

    please forgive me if i have over-stepped or hurt you in any way. it was not my intent. wishing you peace of heart, mind and soul.

    • Do you know… you haven’t offended me at all. All you said is exactly right. My blog is about what I write about … grieving, remembering my son, my life … how grieving comes unexpectedly … I describe exactly the way it feels. This is what my blog is about ….

      Do you know … I have thought of you, and some of my other blogging friends, I have worried about you, knowing you might read my blog, be upset. I care so much. I read your blogs, and feel in my heart, soul such sorrow, such caring for you, and them.

      No, you haven’t offended me, you gave me a chance to tell you that I really care that this could be your last Christmas. I think of you more than you know. I appreciate your feelings. When I read your words, I know they are ‘you’, that’s what your blog is about.

      Just remember when you read my blog, it isn’t to hurt, or upset you… or anyone.

      It’s what my blog is all about, it will always be that way. It’s ‘why’ I write just as the reasons ‘why’ you, or anyone writes.

      Please don’t let my blog hurt you anymore, you might not want to read it. I can’t change it. In fact, I wrote a post about this very thing that I’ll be publishing online shortly.

      Just know, it’s not to hurt anyone.. it’s not self-pity, it’s not to get attention .. it’s how it is when someone loves someone so much… and they aren’t here anymore… it’s real. It’s pure love, missing my son, my loved ones.

      Love, Gloria/ Granny Gee

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  6. GrannyGee, I hope yor Christmas holiday has been wonderful. And Merry Christmas to you. And Happy New Year. Hope the following year brings you more blessings and love. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Subhan Zein
    #PS: My blog subscription has gone messed up, so now I am resubscribing, looking forward to reading more!

    • I’m so happy you are back, Subhan. I have missed seeing you, I do understand when we all go separate ways though. I
      thought you may have ‘went on’. I do that from time to time when I read blogs. I’m sorry about your subscription.
      Thank you for the holiday wishes. I wish for you, Subhan, a wonderful year 2013.. with many good, meaningful things
      to happen for you. Love, Granny Gee :))) I’m so glad you are back!

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