Today Is Christmas 2012 … Granny Gee Waits

Today Is Christmas 2012 … Granny Gee Waits

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

Today has been a very quiet day

I hear the wind chimes as a breeze blows through them

Ringing softly in the golden sunshine of the day

Several times I felt I would cry, but, I didn’t

Instead… I looked out over the treetops

Up to the sky, thinking of someone I’m missing

I listen to the Christmas music coming from the stereo

In the background… Feliz Navidad, Feliz Navidad

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock

My head moves in rhythm to the happy music

All at the same time I’m blending sadness, happiness

To bittersweet … just as my thoughts are today

Today is Christmas Day … Skip, Pups, myself

I’m so thankful to have … the four of us

Still, there’s such sadness in my heart

As you embrace your son, I miss mine

I sit here, imagine all the happy smiles on mothers’ faces

I even smile at a memory of myself as a happy mother

My smile goes away, because it is just a memory

Tommy’s gone, he’s not here this Christmas Day

For a moment, my silent scream to God shatters

The quietness in my mind, shocking myself

Not only that, for a moment I feel

White, hot anger burst from my very soul

God, why did you take my son away

Why did he have to die, why?!!!

I’m angry, I’m so mad, I hate, I hate…

The tears begin to fall, hot … scalding

I have to hide them quickly because I hear Skip coming

I hold my head down to my keyboard, engrossed in typing away

I can’t let him see my grief, so pure … so raw

I make the tears go away, I make a smile on my face

Don’t upset Skip, I think

He’s been down, too… he doesn’t need more

Of this grief, stress … things already on his mind

Straighten up, Gloria … tomorrow Christmas will be gone

It’s only New Year‘s Day left to go

Have you ever watched to see who makes it to the New Year

I wonder if I’ll make it to year 2013

We never know until that moment comes, the clock strikes twelve

It’ll be another year that Tommy has been gone

May 29, 2013…. it’ll be three years

It seems so much longer, yet … it seems like yesterday

I’ve been crying over him, missing him

Do you know … I still can’t believe Tommy’s gone

I look at his photos … he’s still so real

Just like he could walk up and say… “hey, mom!”

I could say “Tommy, your ole mom loves you, I’m so glad to see you!”

But, I can’t do that, he’s not here

No matter what you say, I say

He’s not here, he isn’t coming back

I could cry until I died… he still wouldn’t come back

I can ask ‘all the whys in the world’

I’m never going to get an answer

It’s like standing in front of the wall

kicking it, kicking the pure hell out of it

That damn wall isn’t going to speak to me

No matter… how hard I kick it

It will never say anything, so asking ‘why’

Is only a waste of time, waste of breath

Can you feel the anger that burns underneath

I feel it now… most of the time I don’t

Why? does it wait to come out at certain times

Turning me into a volcano… almost ready to explode?

The guilt I feel from feeling this way

Like I’m feeling something so ugly, so mean

So, I don’t want to feel this way at all

It’s not how I really am, I feel ashamed

I just want to be me, be all right again

For now, I don’t ‘feel myself’, I stay away

From people so, they can’t see such a person I am for now

A sad, angry person who doesn’t want to be that way

I will be all right soon, this has happened before

Somehow, I manage to get past such times

I’m working hard at getting to another place in my mind

To feel peace again, even if for a little while

You don’t know this, I’m pretending I don’t

I’ve been waiting … waiting

Waiting for what, I pretend I don’t know

Just in case it doesn’t happen … my heart will be … protected

I am waiting to see … waiting for what, I pretend I don’t know

Waiting … not thinking about…. ‘what’…. at all

I’m waiting, not saying a word …. I’m not the only one

Pretending we don’t know that we are… waiting for what… I don’t know

I sit here quietly… I carry my cellphone close to my heart

Wishing, hoping to hear it ring

To tell me that soon… my wait will be over

Tell me who I’ve been waiting for … I will soon see!

It doesn’t ring to let me know what I pretend I’m not waiting for

So, it seems I’m waiting for nothing

It must be, because I’m waiting for what, I don’t know

Merry Christmas, my little grandson … Merry Christmas, my granddaughter

Love, Granny Gee (Christmas 2012)

　

　

　

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