Gloomy Thoughts On A Dreary, Gray Day…


  

 Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee… 2012

 Gloomy Thoughts On A Dreary, Gray Day…

 By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

I laughed, talked with you today

I didn’t feel like it, but… I did

Pretended to be just fine, but, I’m not

 

The sky is so dreary, gray

Clouds threaten to rain

On this gloomy day

 

I drank a chocolate peppermint latte

That you made for me

It was so hot, comforting (thank you, Becca :)))

 

I took that away with me

As I went about my business

On this cloudy, gray day

 

Tears are in the back of my eyes

Sadness in my heart

Today is the day my cousin died

 

Eight years ago in a terrible crash

A log truck hit her car head-on

She never knew, it happened so fast

 

I was thinking of you today, Sylvia

I hope you rest in peace

I’m sending you love on this cloudy, gray day.

 

I send my thoughts, love through the air

To join the others I know are thinking of you today

I didn’t get a chance to say thank you

 

On that fateful day

Thank you for helping us, going out of your way

When our home burned down just days before

 

Before you left to go to a new home

The grief I felt from all that happened doubled

The day a log truck hit you

 

Rest in peace, Sylvia

I was thinking of you

On this dreary, cloudy day

 

****************************************************************

Note: 

Sylvia had been helping us, bringing us things we needed to begin our life again. 

 

The last time I saw her, she came to our new home.  I let her sit in my rocking chair, I sat on the floor.  We didn’t have furniture yet… we lost all in a house fire that destroyed our belongings.  

 

 

The fire was caused by old wiring in the house that had never been replaced.  The box was new, the wiring old.  We lived in an old historical house.  We didn’t own, we rented.

 

 

The owner told me he would make it up to us, sadly… he died within weeks of that day.  His family, all moved away.  When we moved there, he told us to not worry about renter’s insurance… we didn’t.  We lost everything.  His family ‘forgot’ us… 

 

 

We found out later Sylvia had gone to great lengths to get things from their church to give us… money, household things.  Her caring lived on for a time after her death.  Thank you, Sylvia… for caring when you didn’t have to.

 

 

We hadn’t been close through all the years, as I was always a long ways away.  Just a few days before her death… we promised we would be close ‘the rest of our lives.’  We were for a few days… until the rest of her life …came.  When she died, we were friends.

 

 

Just a couple of months prior, her oldest brother, my cousin… Ray, died.  They say he committed suicide.  I have no way of knowing anything since I wasn’t close to him in our growing up years either.  I heard the rumors, though.  I have to say …. I can’t imagine him doing such a thing.  

 

 

We were children together, all of us… we were like brothers, sisters in our childhood days.  We all suffered so much as children… all in different ways.

 

 

Several months after Sylvia’s death… my brother, Rick-Rick died … my heart stayed broken… never getting a chance to mend.  My brother died of … drug overdose.  

 

 

I’ll never forget my brother, Rick-Rick.  He was always there for me when no one in my family was…. I saw him cry over me.  I know this one brother loved me.  We had a bond.

 

 

Rick-Rick died May 19, 2005 … I just thought of something strange…  May 19, 2009 is the date the man stepped out in front of Tommy’s truck …stepped out of his car in all the fast-moving traffic on the Hernando De Soto Bridge connecting Tennessee, Arkansas… the man Tommy hit with the big truck… the horrible accident that led up to my son’s death.  

 

I have lived in ‘perpetual grief’ since 1998.  I know grief very well, it has become my permanent companion, yet … I still smile.  

 

 

I write about sad things … I still find good in my life.  I write what I know best … it has been mostly sadness, grief, pain … I know these things well, I have experienced them, lived all.  Since being a baby … I have shed a lot of tears … I’ve known so much … death, bad things.

 

 

Don’t feel sorry for me … I write my pain out here.  I write for all to be read, hoping my words will help someone, hoping my grandchildren will later read to know ‘me’ through my words, where I come from.  Know what kind of person I was, Tommy was, Grandpa Skip was……

 

 

I felt like crying today … I did for a short time…. it didn’t help….  

 

 

Still….. somehow, I know everything is going to be … all right.  :))) Granny Gee

 

Below… is the bridge where the beginning … of the end … of my son’s life … when a man’s car stopped in that fast moving traffic on this bridge … if he’d just stayed in his car.  

 

The man opened his door, stepped out in front of Tommy’s big truck … on May 19, 2009… when that man’s life ended … so, did my  son’s life.  I wonder ‘why?’ that man did it… he affected the rest of my son’s life…….

 

Tommy couldn’t cope with killing someone, even knowing it was an accident didn’t make any difference.  

 

Tommy grieved for the man, he had Survivor’s Guilt …  he had a nervous breakdown on April 01, 2010, came home off the road. 

 

Tommy died May 29, 2010………………………………………. The bridge below: is the Hernando De Soto Bridge. 

 

I never knew all the times Skip and I drove in the big truck across this bridge going to California… that this bridge … would play such a role in our lives.

English: Aerial view of the Hernando de Soto B...

English: Aerial view of the Hernando de Soto Bridge across the Mississippi River between Memphis, Tennessee and West Memphis, Arkansas, USA. The bridge was opened in 1973 and carries six lanes of Interstate-40 across the river. View is from the Arkansas side to the east-southeast across the river to Memphis. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

9 thoughts on “Gloomy Thoughts On A Dreary, Gray Day…

  1. i am from forrest city, arkansas and went across this bridge to memphis hundreds of times. strange thing is something happened on that bridge, actually the memphis side, that changed my life forever. i am sorry for your grief, it must be unbearable at times.

    • A lot of things have happened on that bridge through time … strange things. Not only that… when a vehicle breaks down… it has to sit in fast moving traffic… there isn’t aren’t break-down lanes…. they don’t know if that man’s car broke down, or if he committed suicide. It doesn’t matter what happened… it forever changed Tommy’s life, our life … forever. I would hope that in whatever way it changed your life forever could have been in a positive way … all I’ve found out that’s happened on that bridge hasn’t .. been positive. My grief began that day on May 19, 2009… something died in Tommy that day… he died May 29, 2010…… he just couldn’t live with it. He died from 2 blockages to his heart… at the age of 40… I think he died with a broken heart… he couldn’t get the image of what happened out of his mind, he couldn’t cope with him being the part of hurting, much less killing a person, much less an animal. He had such a big heart.

      • As long as you remember him he won’t really be gone.

        I know how I’d feel if I killed someone, accidental or not! 😦

        Tommy had a big heart, just like his momma! 🙂

        Love and hugs my sweet friend!

        Prenin.

      • the aftermath of suicide is what they don’t think about. maybe he just broke down and made a tragic error but that doesn’t change what your son had to live with. no human being should have to live with that. even in war, though it is life altering we know that it is going to happen. unlike your son’s situation. i am so sorry for your pain and the aftermath that you must live with.

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