I Was Flying On The Wind!


Granny Gee/aka Gloria Faye Brown Bates …2012

 

I Was Flying On The Wind!

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

I was calm, I spoke to myself … I say that because ‘who else could have spoken to me?’

 

My words were a thought … a calm thought about something so life-threatening … I wondered if it was my imagination?  Could I be imagining?  

 

I didn’t want to alarm Skip if it wasn’t real.  How can I tell … I don’t want to ever ‘cry Wolf!’ …. and it turn out to be … nothing.

 

My body felt ‘very still’ inside, a voice … my voice, my thoughts inside my head … said, “get up, Gloria.”  

 

I sat up in bed, of course, with that old familiar pain I lived with since my surgeries… that’s going to always be there… I didn’t complain, ever.  I cried when it was worse at times, but… I never complained.  It’s my trade-off to live… I ‘love’ my pain, it means …I’m here.

 

I put my feet on the floor, as I did… I was ‘looking inside’ myself.  Something doesn’t feel right… I’d been having a ‘little cough’.  I’d had surgery the day before on my hand … carpal tunnel.  I was given lots of fluids by IV… the doctor was late, I stayed on the fluids.  

 

My surgery was done out-patient, I came home that day.  That night, Skip had to take me back to the hospital, to the ER.  I felt I couldn’t breathe, I felt afraid … it could have been my imagination.  After several hours, I was released to go home.

 

The following day, I did okay… in the back of my mind though … I was ‘too quiet’ … I kept going back to that place where I felt something ‘wasn’t right’  in my mind.  You know how you do… you ‘just can’t put your finger on it.’  Something in your mind … you keep trying to sense what it is…

 

I was standing up, looking down at my pillows.  I had stacked three (the number ‘three’ is always important in my life :)))… I had stacked three pillows … like ‘steps’… so, I could lay my head, shoulders on them comfortably.  I couldn’t lay down flat.

 

I was in mid-motion to lay back down, when I stopped abruptly.  Only for a quick second did I feel panic.  I came back to my standing position… I looked over to Skip.  He was lying there sleeping peacefully.  

 

Wake him up!  My voice… ‘a voice told me’… I know it was my voice.  How could I ‘be a voice’… when I know my own?  

 

I stood there a moment … I began to speak to Skip, I didn’t know I was going to actually wake him up.  My voice began speaking to him, confident in what I was telling him …. how did I know?  How did I know something was wrong?  How did I know … I was going to …. die?  

 

A voice … it sounded like my own voice in my head … told me to wake Skip up, tell him to get me to the hospital.  I resisted for several minutes, until my voice ‘went ahead, spoke for me’… without me consciously making that decision!

 

My voice spoke quietly, with confidence that I ‘knew’ something bad was going to happen… as soon as I spoke to Skip, he was instantly awake, sitting up in bed, reaching for his shirt.

 

“Skip, get me to the hospital, I’m going to die.”  My voice calmly said these words… no fear,no panic… I ‘knew.’  Skip never hesitated … Skip knew when I said something … it was so.

 

I began to put my blouse over my head … for a moment, life stood still as that voice … I know it was mine, then, again … it was ‘different’.. it was a ‘thought’………… it spoke to me the very moment my blouse passed over my face to my nose …. “if I don’t get to the hospital, I’m going to die.”

 

I looked at Skip, after quickly pulling my blouse on… “let’s go, Skip, I’m going to die.”  No panic, no fear … only quiet urgency… ‘let’s go now.”

 

We walked out to Skip’s truck, got inside.  I just felt a sense of urgency now… I didn’t say anything.  I was coughing, it seemed to be a lot more.  

 

We lived in town, so, it only took moments to get to the first stoplight… at that stoplight, I made a decision without intending to … ‘something inside me spoke to Skip in my voice, a voice so sure of itself, a ‘knowing voice.’

 

“Skip, get me to the rescue building, now.”  The only one time Skip questioned me was at that moment ….. “But, I thought you said you didn’t ever want to go there, even if you were dying.”  In my mind, our hospital was too far…. 35 miles.  I saw myself ‘laying in the seat’ … I ‘knew’ .. I wouldn’t make it.

 

Without thinking, I turned my head and said to Skip, “Skip, if you don’t get me there ..now!  I am going to die!”  He went one block, turned right… pulled into the parking lot, got out, went inside to get someone.

 

They came out to me, I had gotten out of the truck to stand … I was coughing more.  I was beginning to panic … a little.  I was feeling like a little bird that’s begun to realize it’s trapped in a cage… I was slowly beginning to ‘flutter my wings’… to escape…

 

The young man began to question me.  I coughed as I answered his questions.  He checked my ankles, told Skip I had edema… my ankles were swollen.  He was concerned with my cough, asked me how long I’d had it.  http://www.webmd.com/heart-disease/heart-failure/edema-overview  To read about ‘edema’, here is a link.

 

‘My wings began to flutter faster, I felt I really was trapped in the cage …. now!’  I was beginning to panic… I couldn’t breathe.  I was going into ‘fighting mode.’

 

Other guys began coming out of the building toward me.  Some knew me from when I worked at the hospital emergency room.  

 

I was ‘in the air in my mind looking down to see them’….. I was ashamed ‘to be out of control’ in front of them … when I’d worked at the hospital, they knew me.  I didn’t want to be fighting to breathe in front of them!  

 

My mind quickly went past that thought, “help me, I can’t breathe!”  The guy who knew me, began making me lay down on the stretcher in the rescue…. I couldn’t breathe!

 

I began struggling to get back up, I was grabbing onto the side rail of the stretcher!  “I can’t breathe, let me up, let me up!  I’m going to die!”  There wasn’t anymore ‘calmness now’… there was no doubt now… this was my voice crying for help.  “Please help me!”

 

The guy asked me if I wanted to hold his hand.  I remember saying ‘yes’, but, I may have thought it… but, quickly went on to ‘fight for my life’… I never thought about his hand again

 

I heard the siren, felt the truck moving beneath me going toward the hospital that was ten miles away.  Strangely, as I was panicking, fighting to sit up to breathe, my mind was feeling every bump, turn in the streets, the …road to the hospital.  I ‘knew’ where I was… 

 

I kept thinking …. it won’t be long, I’ll be at the hospital, they’ll save my life!  I was ‘picturing inside my mind’ what I used to see so much of when I worked at that very emergency room…. one vision in my mind was of a paramedic on top of the patient on the stretcher as it was wheeled through the hall to the emergency room … I’d seen this lots of times!

 

The paramedic was administering CPR (read about how easy it is to do CPR now, to save a life….. http://www.dallasnews.com/news/columnists/steve-blow/20121124-read-this-and-save-a-life-with-cpr.ece ….  

 

This was what I seeing in my mind… I ‘knew they’d save me’… if I could just get to the hospital.  I knew the nurses there, I knew … many people from having worked there, myself.  

 

The paramedic would do that to me, too!  He would begin CPR… I heard him telling me that … I was too busy trying to breathe… but, I did hear him.  I felt a comfort.. as I was fighting to live.

 

I knew when the rescue truck backed up to the doors of the ER, I was fighting … maybe the fight was in my mind … it seemed ‘all hell had broke loose’…. maybe ‘I was all the hell that broke loose inside my mind as I was fighting for my life’…. maybe no one could ‘see that’…. because the ‘war’ was ‘inside my body.’

 

I briefly saw faces, excited voices…. I saw one face in particular.  “Donna!  Donna!  Help me, Donna, please help me!”  I screamed to her to please help me… ‘I knew she’d help me… who could have asked for a better nurse than Donna.. she was one of the best!  I knew what she could do, I’d worked with her!………  

 

(Note here:  Donna never heard me scream for help  … all of this was going on in my mind … strange, isn’t it?).

 

“Get a catheter in her!” These were the last words I heard as I slipped into the darkness.  I never had time to think of Skip … I was in the fight of my life.  

 

The light was beautiful, I looked around… I wasn’t in Heaven, I was in this beautiful emergency room.  I didn’t recognize it … all had been remodeled since I’d worked there.  I sure did like it!  I was smiling….

 

I felt a movement at my right side, turned my head to see who was there.  I saw a very attractive, blonde-headed woman smiling down at me.  I smiled right back at her…. I was so glad to see her!  I didn’t know her, but… I was so happy to see her!  She was Dr. Smith!

 

I couldn’t stop smiling… my mind kept singing with happiness … “I’m so glad to be here, I’m so glad to be here!”  I was .. breathless with happiness, giddy… thankful.  The more I smiled, the more thankful … I was.

 

As I smiled, I told her that I didn’t know what happened, that I thought I must have had some kind of panic attack (all I could remember was panicking like a little bird in full-fighting mode to escape the bird cage!).

 

“Oh, no!” she said.  “You had the real thing!  See this, I was getting ready to put that on you!”  I turned my head, and saw the …. ventilator.  Oh, my God!  I didn’t think anymore….  (read about ventilator here:  http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=79622 )

 

I just couldn’t quit smiling!  I ‘felt such happiness that was soaring all around me, strong… beautiful… my mind was flying like a little bird that had made it safely out of that cage it was trapped in!  I ‘flew with it!’, the rest of that night.

 

I was transferred to Rex Hospital in Raleigh… our hospital!  That night I did get to ‘fly like a bird!’  I really did!  I never stopped smiling the whole night… that I remember!

 

The guy came to the cardiac care unit late that night asked me one question.  He was helping me get into the wheelchair, as he asked.  He was taking me down to x-ray.  He said words that were magical to me…. “do you want to be pushed fast, or be pushed slow?”

 

“Fast!  Push me fast!”  I was smiling as he pushed me out the door to my room… he went by the nurses’ station, into the elevator.  We went down, the doors opened!

 

Oh my!  I was flying on the wind, I felt it on my face, blowing my hair… I know my eyes were sparkling… I felt them taking in the wonderful, bright light around me!  Oh God, it felt good to be here!  I smiled…

 

The ride lasted so long!  I never saw, felt that wheelchair beneath me!   Never!  ‘I was flying on the wind!’  I was so happy to be here!  I couldn’t stop smiling!

 

The air, the wind…. oh, how wonderful it was to breathe it flying fast on the wind.  I took deep breaths as I …. was flying on the wind!  This little bird … smiled, as she was … flying on the wind!

**********************

 

 

Note:  I had Congestive Heart Failure … this is when I began to learn that the chemotherapy drug adriamycin damaged my heart.  Read about the effects of adriamycin, chemotherapy drugs on the heart:

http://news.cancerconnect.com/cardiac-toxicity-2/

***********************

Read about Congestive Heart Failure:

http://www.medicinenet.com/congestive_heart_failure/article.htm

 

 

 

 

 

10 thoughts on “I Was Flying On The Wind!

  1. Wow. Unnerving, Granny Gloria. This sounds like a dream, but not a dream. But really, very serious. It’s good you at least learned something from it.

    I hope you are okay today, hope you are stronger. Happy New year 🙂

  2. do you still have congestive heart failure? what percentage function do you have? i will tell you about my curiosity later. for now i am just happy to read your story and know you better.

    • :))) This happened some time ago. It was a magical night … ‘flying’ is the only word that comes to mind. The guy who pushed me ‘fast’ was … my wings! Who knows, he might have been an angel! He was smiling a lot, too. Yes, our minds, the things we go through! :)))

  3. Amazing! 😮

    I know what you went through was personal to you, but it was an incredible story!!!

    Long may the bird fly free!!! 🙂

    Love and hugs!

    Prenin.

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