By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I received an email from someone I’ve known for years who knew me… knew I wasn’t ‘stupid’, respected me… who asked me about ‘ my publishing process?’, how she’d been reading about how some places will publish a book if you pay them?… such things.
It made me feel really awful … because I read in her words (the way they were said, the little dots, question mark)… that I had to go pay someone to publish my book ‘so it would be published… otherwise, she just knew it wasn’t good enough’. She also, left the impression ‘in a nice way’… of how did ‘you’ get a book published…
She also, told me that she’d just gotten my book… and after she reads it… she would ‘tell me what ‘she’… thought of it’. She had judged me… already… she hadn’t read it. Now… I have to say this to her in a nice way… it no longer matters what ‘you’ think.
I had to make some kind of peace inside so, I could go on writing, and have peace of mind in my every day private life. I can’t tell you how painful all of these things have been… two ‘friends’, and now… ‘sort of a ‘family’ member……. (it’s always in ‘threes’).
I used to think each of them were special, just thinking of them would make me smile inside. I thought they were exactly the way I saw them.
It’s okay, I just needed to see ‘you’ now… it’s okay if you hurt me. It’s not okay after this. You did what you meant to do… it’s done.
You all taught me a valuable lesson once again in life. Who says you can’t ‘teach an old dog new tricks?’ These new tricks ‘hurt’… so, I really learned from them. Thank you, again. There’s nothing like pain… to help someone learn. You did a good job.
Last night I wrote my story about thanking them for hurting me… I needed that. It’s just more fuel for the rest of my journey in life.
Maybe they thought I would stop, go run back into the ‘dark place’ I’ve fought so hard to get out of. They forgot my ‘fighting spirit’… I didn’t grow up the way I did… for nothing.
I think my story says it ‘all’. Even if no one ever read my little book … most definitely, it’s not going to be the last (especially now)… I am going to hold my ground. I don’t think I’ve done a bad thing at all. Though… I know my story is a little scary… but, it was meant to be. :)))
My goal is to get… ‘I Cry For Tommy’… published. I will have accomplished really what I set out to do… that is to never forget Tommy, my son… it doesn’t matter about the other books.
I never claimed to be a writer… I just want to write. I’ve been on my ‘trial run’… now, I want my book about Tommy published… then, I’ll enjoy writing my scary books, afterwards. It’ll entertain me, and hopefully someone would like them. :))) I love writing about …Victoria Fairchild.
Betrayal does hurt… as one of my friends just told me. She’s so right. I thought I had distanced myself enough from people where I’d never have to experience that again… I just know to ‘back up some more’. :))) Make my private life just a little more… private.
I understood your feelings (to my friend who wrote about betrayal) when being a child… I also, remember wondering ‘how in the world ‘old’ people got that old, to see that they didn’t like other people their age’… I thought they were ‘old enough’ to know better… and be ‘perfect’… ha!
Now, at ‘my age’… I am not liking three people today. I should know better… God knows I’m old enough to know better. :))) I still don’t… like them. I’m just saying…
I didn’t grow up in what I did for nothing… I didn’t come through Hell for nothing. I just forgot I had a fighting spirit during the past three years… it’s been there all along… hey, I’m smiling now (like Victoria Fairchild)… my fighting spirit has just come out. :)))
I’m one who cares… I really just care… I guess I’ve known so much real pain through time… it really taught me to … just care. I’ve let myself ‘look bad’ in order to make others look good. I don’t feel I have to have credit, or brownie points for anything I do.
I’m older now… that’s not what life is all about… we get off on the ‘wrong’ roads when we are young. God knows I did, so many times. It’s a wonder I ever got on the right road… but, something kept steering me toward it through the years. Neither ‘hell or high water’ will push me off it now.
The whole world can keep on doing ‘bad’ things… I’m going to still believe there’s good… somewhere. I believe.
I feel such happiness inside when I see good things happen to people… I wish I could make many wonderful things happen to people who need something good in their lives. I will whenever I can…. :)))
I am just thinking as I write here… my thoughts became a lot of words typed here. I thought of deleting them all, but… I won’t.
I will say this… once I wrote my story last night for my blog… (Thank You For Hurting Me… You Only Put More Steel In My Backbone)… I’ve been at peace inside for the first time in a week.
I can’t tell you the mental anguish I have suffered. It always hurts when you find out people aren’t who you thought they were. It always hurts when you reach out to share a little happiness with a ‘friend’… and by their words, actions… they reject, hurt you.
You never forget them for doing that. You never look at them the same ever again. You always associate ‘pain’ with them in the future… they hurt you deeply. Being friends shouldn’t hurt like that.
I did what I learned to do many years ago… when someone isn’t a positive presence in your life… it’s time to ‘weed the garden’. You have to remove the ones that causes grief, negativity… the ones who sit there pretending to be a flower until the day you discover they’ve never been more than …. a weed.
I just pulled the weeds from this garden… I didn’t just toss them out like I thought about doing… mentally, I walked to the edge of my ‘garden’… laid them gently to the side. I don’t wish mean things for those ‘weeds’.
I can focus on what I’m trying to accomplish now, with an eased mind. Everyone knows now, where I stand. Skip was seeing me becoming increasingly unhappy when I should have been happy… now, he’s going to see that again. I have tended my garden…
If I’ve lost friends, readers, family… then, I feel you didn’t really like me in the first place. Maybe it’s time for the ones who are like the ‘friends’ I just took out of my life… to move on. I wish you good things in life, and that all will be as you wish it to be. I’m not letting you affect my everyday world in my private life …again.
I just hope that all the real people I’ve met, still meeting… will stay here. I need you all, you have made the difference in my life. I treasure you all.
So many of you have always been ‘there’ since the death of my son. How can I not love, care about you? You have shown me through time… love, caring. It doesn’t matter that I don’t know you personally in ‘real’ life. Our actions, words are what matters.
I just thought of something… the three people who hurt me during this past week… were ‘never there’ through all this time, grief, since my son died. I didn’t realize it until this minute. These people knew me in ‘real’ life… they never came to me, nor communicated with me all this time. Just in the last week, they have ‘appeared’…
I am so amazed at this discovery in my mind. These people knew me as a person, they fooled me ‘good’… I thought they loved, cared about me… just as I did about them. I thought so highly of them. Why I respected them.
I treasure the ones who have just hurt me… because they ‘woke me up’… they made me only more stronger. They put more fuel in my life to add to the drive I already have inside me. I am older, I still have a life to live… I’m not dead, yet. They only made me feel more ‘alive’… they revived my ‘fighting spirit’!
Hello, ‘fighting spirit’… I haven’t seen you in a long time! You’ve been hidden under so much pain, grief. Come here… let me dust you off… looks like I needed you!
What did you say? Why, ‘fighting spirit’, I am so glad to see you. I know you’ll stick with me through thick or thin (my book is too thin! :))) I didn’t know I would need you again in my life… but, I see that I always will.
I guess I must have needed more determination, something to pull more ‘fighting spirit’ out of me. It did the trick! Thank you to the ones who made me feel pain… I will always remember you, too. There’s a reason for everything.
I didn’t grow up the way I did for nothing, walk through Hell… for nothing! :))) Hello, Fighting Spirit, welcome! I haven’t seen you in a long time!
- My Friends Hurt Me Deeply… Oh My God, The Pain (grannyscolorful.wordpress.com)
- Thank You For Hurting Me… You Only Put More Steel In My Backbone (grannyscolorful.wordpress.com)
- Remember What Granny Gee Says … Candle + Flame = HOPE …How Will They Know? and Was That Anger? (grannyscolorful.wordpress.com)