Damnation… Hellfire (I’m Not Apologizing… I’m Not)


The ‘tune you are singing now… will change into a whole other song’… into one you won’t recognize… because ‘you’ve never sung that song… before’.  By Gloria Faye Brown Bates

 

Damnation… Hellfire (I’m Not Apologizing… I’m Not)
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/Granny Gee

I was thinking that I wanted to mention again… what my blog is all about, has been since I began it, will always be… no matter what I write.

It’s about grief… pure grief, no sugar-coating. If I go through spells, feel it… I will write about it with no apologies. This blog is about remembering Tommy… no matter what else I write. I will always write my pain, sometimes, it will be in the form of anger or pure sadness that he is gone.

No one has to take it to heart, or take it personally… and no, I don’t need to seek help from anyone. I’m very aware of what I write, what I feel.

To those of you who have never lost a child, remember this… grief doesn’t just ‘stop’. It may ease off for a while, only to come back full-force. It may come back softly… no one can predict grief, nor can they predict the severity of it.

When I write about grief, I welcome you to come to ‘see’… without actually having to experience it in your life. Come quietly, read… and go on with your life. Love your children with your heart… I pray that you never lose one to know … personally what I write about.

See… reading about ‘my grief’… can make you treasure your children who are here, whom you love with your very heart. Leave my blog, and love your children… more… while you have your chance. My chance is… gone.

My son has died… he is here no more… my chance to love him more is ‘forever’ gone… yours, isn’t. Thankfully, I told my son I loved him always… that has been my only comfort through this time.

You may not do as well as I have… I haven’t done well at times… that’s true. I have made it this far… learning how it feels to lose my only child… I had nothing, no one to compare my grief to.

So, if you think I probably don’t ‘grieve right’… I wonder if you have ever experienced losing a child? If you have lost a child as I know a lot of people have since beginning my blog… I notice they understand what I go through.

I notice the ones who haven’t lost their child… are the ones who tell me ‘what I need to do’… be careful… because you never want to find out what one needs to do ‘after’ losing a child.

Sometimes… things happen back to others when they don’t understand… I know this for a fact. There have been times through the years I’ve not understood why people were the way they were… never knowing that one day … I would know, I would feel, I would hurt like they do.

‘Before’… I thought I had the answers…. ‘after’… I learned that I knew… nothing. Experiencing ‘real life’ gives one the answers… because you see, feel, know exactly what something means. When it’s painful… oh my God, you see, feel, know what ‘real pain’ is…

I make no apologies in my blog when I write about Tommy… I am going to remember my son… and if I hurt… I am going to write about it. I hope you will continue to come here quietly, read… follow me always. This will always be a blog about … grief.

No matter how happy I will be, I will always write about grief… no matter how happy I am. To my last dying breath … I will grieve for Tommy, I will grieve for my only child.

I am a very real person… I tell you just the way it ‘really is’. If some people don’t like it, I’m not apologizing… some of you have blogs I follow… I don’t judge you at all………… ‘I just know what your blog is all about’, and I accept that. If I like it, I come back… if I don’t, I won’t make comments to you… there’s no need to. Your life is… what it is.

I simply wait for a little time… come back again. ‘Who am I to judge you, judge the words you write’? I would never dream of it. When I feel your words touch something ‘deep down inside me’… I will comment to let you know.

If they touch me in a ‘negative way’… I simply go on until another time to come back to read. ‘Why?’ Because I sense you are going ‘through one of those times we all go through’. I can’t tell you how to feel, I can just … care.

You don’t even have to tell me anything… I don’t write to get sympathy, or for someone to say wonderful, kind things to me. I’m used to living real life, I face things ‘head-on’… I know life hurts just as well as it feels good. I love life as good as the next person… but, I know it isn’t always perfect.

I know I’m not the only person in this world who hurts, grieves, gets sad… but………. I am the only person who can write…….. about ‘what I, myself… feels. No one else can. I can only care about the pain you go through… but, I can’t write about your pain… I don’t ‘feel or know’ it.

My heart can only sense how bad it hurts… my eyes can fill with tears when I ‘feel’ it… I can only ‘say in words’ what ‘I think you might feel’. If you cut yourself… you bleed, I don’t ….. only you can ‘bleed for yourself’. If I bleed… you can offer me a tissue, but… you ‘can’t bleed for me’… either.

If you wonder if someone said something to prompt me into writing this… yes, there was one comment I read that bothered me. I’m not angry… I did think ‘who are you… to tell me such?’

Once in a while …someone will email me telling me that ‘they have never lost a child, but…….. they think I should do this, or …do that’. I read the comments, and I respect someone’s opinion… in the back of my mind I’m thinking … ‘you don’t know what you are saying, because there’s no way in … hell… you can possibly understand the grief a mother carries inside when she has lost her child’.

And…………………. ‘until you do….. it can happen to you, it really CAN happen to you, too ………… only then, will you go through what mothers go through when their child has died’. When that happens, come back to tell me how that feels… you think you know grief, but… until the child you brought into this world dies… only ‘then’… are you going to ‘know what it feels like’.

Every grieving mother I’ve come into contact with, since writing my blog… knows exactly what I’m writing here. Tell them what you told me… they might not be as kind as I’ve tried to be.

I wrote my book with the thoughts that ‘somehow, once I wrote, published it’……… I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of grief anymore.

Can you imagine my surprise when I found out… I am going to still feel grief, and I’m not going to know when it will happen?

It didn’t ‘go away’… silly me, I entertained the idea :))) that my grief would go away if ‘I put it all in a book’. Ha! Ha! The ‘last laugh is on me’…

This was a good time for it to happen… damnation… these are the Easter holidays… it is an ‘acceptable time to experience grief’… hellfire, it hurts that my son isn’t here. You’d miss your son, daughter too, if it were you.

Damnation, hellfire… yes, I said these words… I’m expressing my anger at a comment I received. When I write, I am not expecting anyone to say anything… there are people who really care, who read quietly… leave quietly. They want to ‘see, know’… what grief does to a mother… but, they don’t want it to touch their life.

That’s ‘why’ there are blogs, books… so, we can go ‘peek in just to see what things are like in another person’s life’… If one can judge without having ever experienced something… there are also, millions of books, blogs about things you’ve never experienced… don’t forget to judge them, too.

You will stay very busy… hopefully, nothing in your life ‘strikes you down’ to feel those things you know nothing about’…. the things that you so, easily judge in others. The ‘tune you are singing now… will change into a whole other song’… into one you won’t recognize… because ‘you’ve never sung that song… before’.

I ‘know’… I’ve been there in my ‘so smart, young life when I was so invincible, full of arrogance, and thought I knew it all’. Sadly, some of us never learn even when we get older… because they never experience but, maybe ‘one of the things’ in their life that I’ve experienced so much of, in my life.

That’s probably ‘why’ I’m a very compassionate person who cares so much with her heart. I can cry for you, too… I know pain only too well, so… I know how it feels… it does hurt. I’m not mad… anymore.

Damnation, hellfire… I’m not apologizing… I’m not.

 

 

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25 thoughts on “Damnation… Hellfire (I’m Not Apologizing… I’m Not)

  1. I AM SO WITH YOU ON THIS ONE GLORIA!!! I was recently told by one that has never experienced the loss that “I wasn’t the only one that hurts” well hell fire and damnation on my end too. I would never wish this on that person but I had to laugh at such a stupid remark from someone with so much intelligence! You my friend nailed this one our grief never stops it only wanes for a bit then something, an aroma, a sound, another persons mannerisms, a photo a thought anything can send us into the depths of despair. Hang in there we are all here for each other those of us that have experienced the unthinkable. Hugs and love (((xx)))

  2. Reblogged this on myownheart.me and commented:
    AI AM SO WITH YOU ON THIS ONE GLORIA!!! I was recently told by one that has never experienced the loss that “I wasn’t the only one that hurts” well hell fire and damnation on my end too. I would never wish this on that person but I had to laugh at such a stupid remark from someone with so much intelligence! You my friend nailed this one our grief never stops it only wanes for a bit then something, an aroma, a sound, another persons mannerisms, a photo a thought anything can send us into the depths of despair. Hang in there we are all here for each other those of us that have experienced the unthinkable. Hugs and love (((xx)))dd your thoughts here… (optional)

  3. I just re-read your previous post and my comment and now I think maybe it was me who said the wrong thing. If so, please accept my apology, Gloria. I made the suggestion of a support group which was, I now realize, a STUPID suggestion. Please forgive me. Juliexxx

      • I have been a mess of tears waiting for your reply and regretting my stupid suggestion. I know it was stupid because when people suggest that I join such groups (for my grief about Anthony), I always say no way!
        So if it wasn’t me I guess someone must have sent you an email with unwanted advice. Gloria, the honest rawness of your blog is testimony to your love and grief for Tommy. I cannot imagine, even in my worst nightmares, losing my only son, Ming, but yes, it may happen because anything can happen. I still think it may have been me but, if so, you have forgiven me. I love you and your amazing blog. Jx

      • Julie, I have several blogs. It’s bound to happen once in a while for someone to say something to upset me … I leave my blogs open for comments so, it’ll be easier for everyone to communicate with me. This is the risk I take…

        It was from one of those blogs the comment came from… it wasn’t you. Don’t you cry when you don’t deserve to, Julie. My heart is touched because I didn’t know you were feeling this way. I’m so thankful I have been up late tonight… so, I could see your message. I’m sorry you have cried for something that you aren’t responsible for. I care so much.

        Julie, you are my friend, and I want everything to be alright. Don’t cry anymore… you don’t deserve to feel this way, this wasn’t anything to do with you. Please be alright, Julie. Love, Gloria

    • Julie, I’m so glad you got my message this quickly. I know how it is to worry about something, being upset… and just waiting ‘to know’. I’m so glad I got to tell you, so.. you’d know it wasn’t you at all. I’m so sorry you had to hurt because of me… I would never-ever do that intentionally. We won’t let this hurt us anymore now… everything is alright. I’m just so sorry you had to feel pain like this. From this minute on… let’s go forward. :))) Love, Gloria

  4. Gloria, we just had a conversation with some in-laws who suggested that after six years of us being without our boy, we shouldn’t be feeling the way we do. People who haven’t been through it are not qualified to say a word, and you SHOULD tell them where to get off. They are seriously insensitive. I hope your health is a little better these days Gloria. Take care of yourself.

    • Yaz, I needed to hear your words… they meant the world to me… they validate what I feel inside. I just don’t know how long one grieves… I really think its ‘forever’ when it’s our children. Thank-you for telling me this, Yaz. I am much better, thank-you. :)))

  5. Oh Gloria, my only child only died 14 weeks ago and I have already been told to “get on with my life…” I even considered closing down my blog because I upset family members with my writing. Then I saw this wonderful “letter” on Facebook:-
    Dear Clueless
    I would like to share with you my pain but that isn’t possible unless you have lost a child yourself and that I wouldn’t want you to have to experience. So with that being said, I would like to say this. I will try to my best to understand you if you try to understand me. I lost my child. My life will never be the same. I will never be the same again. I will be different from now on. I no longer have the same feelings about anything. Everything in my life has changed from the moment my child left to go to heaven. I will, on some days be very sad and nothing you say will changes that so don’t feel like it is your job to make me feel better on those days, just allow me to be where I am.
    When you lose a child you not only lose your reason for living, you lose the motivation to go on. You also lose your sense of self. It takes a long time to come to some kind of understanding for why this has happened, if ever. Of course we who have lost children know we have to go on but we don’t want to hear someone else tell us too. Especially from someone who has not lost a child. It makes me and anyone who has lost a child want to say who are you to tell me that? Did you bury your child? I don’t want this to sound like I don’t appreciate everything you say because I know you mean well, but I just want you to appreciate where I am coming from too. I want you to understand that some of the things you say hurt me and others like me without you really knowing it. I know it must be pretty hard to talk to people like myself, not knowing what to say. That is why I am writing this letter.
    If you don’t know what to say, say nothing or just say I’m sorry. That always works for me. If you want to talk ad say my child’s name feel free I would love to hear his name anytime. You not saying his name didn’t make me forget it, or what happened to him. So by all means say his name. When special dates come or holidays come please forgive me if I’m not myself. I just can’t keep it up on those days. I may wish to be by myself so I can think about my child without putting on a front. Most of all I want you to know I’m having a hard time with the death of my child and I am trying my very best to get back into life again. Some days it may look like I have accomplished that, and other days like I am at square one.
    This will happen the rest of my life periodically. There are just no words to explain the living hell this feels like. There are no words that could ever do it justice. So please bear with me and give me time and don’t put your own timetable on my grief and let me be the person I am now and not have to live up to the person you think I should be. Allow me my space and time and accept me for me. I will try my best to understand you.
    Love, Your Friend in Grief https://www.facebook.com/pages/Whispers-from-Heaven/604565892890783
    Good luck my friend in Grief

  6. i am so sorry that anyone would come to your blog and write something hurtful. no, no one of us has the right to judge how another person grieves! i interned with the woman (dr.) who assisted kubler-ross in her studies on grieving. she would be the first to tell anyone who listented that there are certain things we have in common, still each situation is very different. i think you read tersia’s blog and she recently lost her daughter, someone in her family tried to shut her down and she temporarily stopped blogging. i was outraged!! hopefully you know most of us are simply here to support you in your grief and your joy.

    • Oh yes, I know here that everyone is here to support me, as I am everyone.

      Once in a while, on one of my blogs, a comment will come on saying something like that. I don’t moderate my comments so, it makes it easier for everyone to communicate with me… so, it’s bound to happen from time to time.

      I was upset also, about someone trying to shut Tersia down. I am so thankful she kept on writing…held her ground.

      There was a time I worried about hurting people with my grief… but, after long thought, and lots of grief worrying… I knew I had to keep writing, and just let everyone know it isn’t to hurt anyone… grief is what my blog is all about… no matter if I write about other things, or I’m happy… it’s always going to be about grief when I experience it.

      Anyway, I didn’t let the comment bother me long… :))) I hope I don’t have to begin moderating the comments… I love it being easier for someone to comment to me. It just means the world to me.

      I’m so glad you told me what you did. That means the world to me, too. :))) I’m here for you, and everyone, too.

  7. someone made a stupid remark regarding the loss of my son, and in their opinion I should just go on with my life and get over it…..well my husband spoke up and told the once was a friend they should walk a mile in my shoes then tell me how I should feel. Losing a child is the worst grief – a child is a child regardless of the age.

    God bless you for your writing.

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