I Found Myself Crying… And I Didn’t Know It


I Found Myself Crying… And I Didn’t Know It

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

I was just sitting here… living.  Breathing… in a trance… thinking about how thankful I am to find out that my brother is okay.  Just sitting here… living.  Doing what we do when we forget that we are doing other things like writing, cleaning, driving, and such.

 

 

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

Just living… thinking about everything, not aware that I’m doing it.  I’m ‘just me’… not doing anymore than… being.  From the time I learned from someone that my brother had a stroke… I have been emotional.  My thoughts turned.. inward.

 

I forgot about doing things, what I was doing… I became thought, itself.

 

 

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

Dying… I thought about death.  Tommy died… my only child is gone.  There’s no other child to come to see me, to hug me, say … ‘I love you, Mom‘.  No one….

 

I thought how much I loved my little brother.  No matter that I am older… one might say ‘senior citizen’.  I’m not saying ‘that’…. No matter how old I ever get… he’ll be my little brother… my youngest brother.

 

 

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

No one knows who he is.  No one knows I had a ‘family’.  No one ever really knew where I came from through the years.  I thought about the shock, surprise when I came to live with my mother as a teenager.

 

People would exclaim, “Earlene, I never knew you had a daughter!  She’s beautiful like you”!  The ‘never-knowing’ made an impression on me… no one knew ‘my mama …was my mama’.  Did she ever speak of me?

 

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

On both sides of my ‘family’… no one knew my mother… or my father… had a daughter.  I wonder ‘why’?  I really wonder ‘why’.  Was I a secret?  Why would I be… my parents were married… did they try to pretend ‘I wasn’t there’… when I didn’t live with one or the other?

 

As a thought… I go on to other things to think about… I’m a thought… so, I’m not aware of doing that.  I am doing as a thought does… I think; I’m not conscious of thinking… I am ‘thinking’.

 

 

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

I think about my cousins in Oregon, Arizona… cousins in North Carolina.  I think how… yes, I’ve come to terms with it now… I ‘unfamilied’ them.  Just one day… I let go of them.  Why?  I don’t know ‘why’… it’s in me.  It was born in me… I am no better than anyone I speak of… I do it, too.  I wonder ‘what it’s called’…..

 

I feel sad… I did it… and like all decisions you, or I make… when we make them… we think we made a right one.  Life is like that… we lay in the beds we make… go on living.

 

 

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

It still doesn’t stop the … thinking.  I think about my mama, how I loved her so much.  Somehow… she didn’t love me like I did her.  I think maybe my mother loved-hated me at the same time.  If she did, I understand.

 

I am a either ‘love-hate’ kind of person… love kind of person; hate kind of person.  Just take your choice… if it feels right… then… that’s me.  Sometimes… like right now.. I’m thinking I don’t like me.  Why?  I don’t know… I am just a thought… I never thought about… liking a thought while… it’s thinking.

 

 

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

Thinking thought… thought thinking…. a little spring bubbles with fresh, crystal-clear water; the sun shines down on it trying to warm it with its kisses… it can’t… the little spring as it bubbles… has constant fresh-cold water… it bubbles, too.  The sunshine kisses don’t have a chance… but… it can make the water … have a magical glow.  Special…

 

I think about my father… the time I saw him before… seeing… him lying on that table.  His face was disfigured from the surgeries he had… cancer.  I wonder if he was smiling at me… even looking at his eyes, I couldn’t tell.  I did see a gleam in them, but… it didn’t tell me anything.  Did he look at me with love… or indifferently?

 

 

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

My brother, Rick-Rick… that was my brother.  I loved him with my heart.  He did everything I would never do… lived a life I could never live, yet… I dearly love him.  My brother, Rick-Rick… always came; he was ‘always there’.  He loved me unconditionally… just as I loved him.  Damn… life is so sad.

 

As a thought thinking… I gradually begin to consciously ‘feel myself as a person’… my face is wet.  Why?  I reach up, touch my face… tears are falling freely.

 

 

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

I’m full of regrets… I feel emotional.  I’m sad today.  I didn’t know that… I didn’t wake up thinking I would cry today.  I feel like a child… a hurting child.  Damn… I don’t believe this.

 

 

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

I think I’m fighting to ‘not feel anger’… I spoke to Skip a few minutes ago.  I told him, I couldn’t believe I wasn’t called, told about something so serious.

 

How can people be so callous, cold?  How can I say that?  Who am I to judge?  We have to be the way we are… that’s all we know to be.  I don’t hold it against them.

 

 

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee… at the age she learned to say the word ‘Damn’… earning the right to use it ‘forever’… her mother washed her mouth out with Ivory Soap to wash that dirty word out… she missed it!  Gloria says it anytime she feels… like it.  It’s ‘her’ word…

 

 

I’m not going to be angry… I’m not going to be mad.  Why would I be… they just forgot… to tell me.  These are thoughts in my mind as I became a thought… to think.  When I came back to reality… I found myself crying… I didn’t know it.

 

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

NOTE:  Drawing, writing are thoughts… these are thoughts at other times in the past… my thoughts.

Doodles, drawing, painting… my thoughts in the past.

Gloria Faye Brown Bates

 

 

 

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17 thoughts on “I Found Myself Crying… And I Didn’t Know It

  1. Love you sweetheart! 🙂

    You are a shining light in the darkness hun.

    We both were hurt in similar ways, but I haven’t suffered as much as you and my one regret is that I cannot take your pain away,

    I live alone, surrounded by those I cannot trust any more, but I don’t hurt any more – why blame a dog for biting???

    If I could I would make it right for you, but I cannot so all I can do is be witness to your writings.

    Your art is very good Gloria and speaks volumes about your soul.

    You should draw more. 🙂

    Love and squishy hugs to you, Skip and the pups! 🙂

    Prenin.

  2. Dear Granny Gee (as a favorite person of mine calls you),

    I’m sorry you’re crying today. It must be a crying kind of season– I’ve been doing a lot of that lately, too. We’re just one soppy mess, aren’t we?

    Sometimes I think a good cry helps make things feel better. It’s something we each have to do!

    I’ll tell you what, young lady! You are soooooooo talented!!! WOW!!!! Your art work is absolutely beautiful! When life hurts, continue to put your thoughts into your art work. Obviously, you are filled with beautiful thoughts — I can see your thoughts dancing in your work!

    Hugs to you,
    Dimmy’s mom
    PS The photo of you is adorable! What a beautiful child you were! I’m so very sorry that your son isn’t here to hug you right now. Picture him smiling at you from heaven — I’m sure he is reaching out and hugging you in his very own special way right now!

    • Thank you for everything you said… that meant the world to me. I hope you feel much better tonight. I’m so sorry you had a crying day, too. :))) Everything’s going to be alright. Love, Gloria Your words were very comforting.

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  4. Dearest Gloria,
    Just had time to get on and read my fellow bloggers sites, I have many; but start with those that “feel” closer than others…thus came your post. Today was a storm cloudy day for me too, and it seems we can always find others that share something.
    My heart is with you on “this” day. August 8 is the day of the memorial service for my children, I lost one adult daughter on July 21, 2010 and another on July 22, 2010, my two oldest who were born sixteen months apart in 1957 and 1958. Unless you have been there in that dark place one cannot realize the life change, one is the same on neither the inside or the outside.
    I relate to your writing and artwork…I have always been a writer of short stories, but somehow poetry came into play three years ago, some dark and some on happier old childhood memories thoughts. I also begin to paint again. Whatever it is that we must do to survive!
    My heart is with you, my shattered spirit and soul gives you an invisible hug; you are not alone. May you be held up by the love of those who know you when you feel that you can no longer stand-alone.
    Hugs, Ann

    • Oh Ann, my Heart goes out to you… I lost one child, you lost two. Thank-you for your beautiful words… they touched deep inside me. I just saw the dragonflys… I’m drawn to dragonflys now… Tommy loved them.

  5. I understand so much. My brother-in-law (Anthony’s brother) and his wife have behaved so hatefully towards us for over 20 years now. I had to use a lawyer to banish them from this property due to their bullying.

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