I Love You, Son… I Miss You


I Love You, Son… I Miss You

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

This photo is the last photo taken of Tommy just several hours before he collapsed on the beach playing with his little son… he died on that beach on May 29, 2010… Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.  My son, my only child.  No one knew Tommy was sick… he died of a heart attack at the age of 40.  I still can’t believe he’s gone… I’ve never known such pain in my life as I have … since my child died.

 

 

Today, I thought of you

I felt a familiar pain in my heart

One that made me sad to my very soul

 

Disbelief… even now, that you are gone

For a moment, I felt you here

I miss you, son… it hurts so bad

 

Burning tears filled my eyes

I felt a heaviness in my chest

Emotion welled up inside me

 

Tommy… I can’t believe you are gone

You… who was such a vibrant person

With your personality so… so alive!

 

I’ve been occupied for the past month, or so

With a little puppy I rescued

Trying to get her well, and make her life good

 

That I didn’t let myself think of you

Now… my heart wants to cry tonight

I miss you, son… I miss you

 

I felt this grief deep inside today

When we talked about Big Spring, Texas

All of us meeting there on the big rigs

 

The happiness I felt to see you so far

Away from home… you going one way

We going the other way

 

This really is a small world I learned

When we never knew where the other

Would be… we’d meet in California, and different states

 

It was wonderful, son

The happiness I felt was like an eagle soaring in the sky

My smile like the sunshine that lit the world

 

We were talking about meeting you all over this country

In every state… traveling at the same times

Those were the ‘good old days’, son

 

I look back through time

I never saw a warning sign

That you were going to go away

 

Never to be able to come back

I just can’t believe you are gone

I’m never going to see you again

 

Grief… yes, grief is what I’m feeling tonight

I ‘knew’ it was there today

When we spoke of you

 

I felt that familiar pain

Burning tears in my eyes

A heaviness in my heart

 

I love and miss you, son

It hurts so bad

Now… it’s time for me to pretend

 

That I’m past the pain of losing my only child

So, no one will know I cry for you

Put a smile on my face… everything is once again… alright

 

The light went on, exposing my grief

Now… it’s time to turn it off

Let it hide in darkness… once again… until the next time

 

If I don’t let go of it now

I could get caught up in losing myself again

To fight to get back to where I am, now

 

A mental soft-colored blanket, thick and soft

Just placed itself over the pain

To tuck it in, let it rest in peace for as long as possible

 

Tuck it in like a child… my child

Put my hand on his head to brush his hair back

Kiss his forehead gently, say… I love you, son, I miss you

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13 thoughts on “I Love You, Son… I Miss You

  1. I’m so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you. This is such a hard journey to travel. It’s okay to take off the “pretend” mask every now and then. In fact, we have to do that so that the tears can flow and we can bring some much-needed cleansing to the soul.

    My heartfelt love to you……..Dimmy’s mom

  2. Pingback: Please, I Don’t Want To Hurt Anymore… | GRANNY'S COLORFUL

  3. Oh my heart just aches and aches for you Gloria…I think of you and others of my friends, many whom were made right here, as you struggle to deal with your intense pain, longing, and sorrow…

      • Probably my blog did that…so sorry. Want to hear my confession? I suffer from depression and due to the basic subject matter on my blog, what do I do? Lol! I attract folks who are suffering from grief, loss, heartbreak, sadness, depression, etc…But I feel like I can be of help to them…whereas, I cannot, sadly, help myself out of the deep dark days…that’s par for the course for me. But I am so grateful that I have such precious folks reading and asking questions. I feel like I have a purpose again. 🙂 Love & Hugs, CJ and the tiny rodent

      • CJ, I can see something… hear something… a scent… a favorite food… or just out of the blue… go instantly into overwhelming grief… unexpected.

        Thankfully, ‘now’… I can come out of it, while it’s happening ‘I know everything’s going to be alright.. I just need to get through it’. It still doesn’t stop the deep, deep pain… but… it’s not like before when ‘I didn’t come out of it ..lived in a dark world.

        CJ.. no one can ever take another person’s blog personally… so, no.. your blog didn’t do that. I learned long ago… one can’t do that… every person’s blog is ‘theirs’… and everyone has to write what they feel… it’s theirs.

        It’s sad when someone takes something from one’s blog ‘personal’. It must hit home or something, for them to do that…. when it isn’t even about them.

        I used to worry that my blog would hurt others deeply if I wrote my pain. I let it be known that I care about everyone… but, my blog ‘was mine’, and only I could write my own story… not to ever take it personal… they would have to write their own story… I couldn’t. My mind goes ‘inward to the past’ to my own tapestry of life… I examine it to see what I want to write next. Colors, textures determine what memories are provoked, pulled up ….

        CJ, I know people have come to look forward to reading ‘your words’, and look forward to them… as I do. I’m looking for them all the time… you have a richness when you are writing something you feel passionate about. I can sense sometimes when you are feeling down.

        I’m always ‘here’, and I am sure others are in their ways. So, the good thing is you are never alone… someone cares for when you are in ‘the darkness’. I find that out… everytime I have to go back to the darkness when I grieve… someone cares. We can all be here for the other… we all feel some kind of connection… or we ‘wouldn’t have connected’. :))) Love, Gloria :)))) When I find a photo of ‘one of those kiddiddlehoppers… I’ll send it to you!

  4. gloria i am so sad that you had this lose but i love that you express whatever you are feeling in such an open and honest way. you are so right when you say this is your blog and so you must write your truth not someone elses. i can only imagine the grief you must be feeling and though my heart wants to make the pain go away i know that nothing can do that. it will get better or should i say different? until then keep pouring it out and never keep it bottled up. that is the enemy. sending warm hugs from this end to your end:)

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