I Don’t Want You To Know… You Might Not Be As Strong As I Am
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
My son, my only child… Tommy, holding his little son. I miss you, Son. I was so proud of you.
My mind lingered on my new book I’m in the process of completing. I’ve had to stop for a few days. Chadwick, our Pup, had 2 seizures ‘out of the blue’. My attention has been on him… I couldn’t concentrate on ‘writing words’.
I did go outside, on the porch… yesterday. I painted while I was near the Pups, where I observed Chadwick. I paid close attention to him. He’s normal… he is the same Pup. He has never appeared to be sick.
I’m thinking that what I read is… what’s wrong with him. I ‘feel’ it’s low blood sugar. He’s so active, moves very fast… he burns up calories quickly. I looked back in my mind… both times, he and Camie (the little precious puppy I rescued) were running so fast around their yard… that I could hardly follow them with my eyes. Are they secretly …gray hounds? Race dogs…
I know blood sugar can drop lower in a person when they exercise. I feel that happened with Chadwick (we call him ‘Wick’ or ‘Wick-Wick’). I have been making sure to give him a little snack every several hours between his main meals at breakfast, supper.
I began thinking about wiener roasts, toasting marshmallows, and hot chocolate. Fall time, my most favorite season is upon us… it’s time to think about these things.
The strange thing is… I forgot to think about such things since Tommy died on May 29, 2010. I thought about what I’ve forgotten to think about for 3 years. Holidays are ‘one of them’. I think that I can think about them this year… and ‘everything be alright’.
I have been so ‘lost’ until this past year. I have been ‘finding myself’… things happen to knock me back down. I keep getting up, dust my ass off (yes, I said that in defiance)… and ‘go it again’. I’m not staying ‘down’. I’ve come a long ways… I’m sure not ‘going back’… too dark, scary… too easy to become lost once more.
Can’t take that chance… have to keep my mind on the light, colors, life… now. I have to hold on to these things with my very life. I don’t have to hold so tightly now… because I know I can make it ‘now’. I think I can relax my grip on life… some ‘now’. I don’t want to go back to the … darkness.
I still go through such overwhelming periods of time, grieving for Tommy. It consumes me, occupies my every thought… I feel as if I’ll die, myself… it’s the very pain. The intensity… can make me have to lay down… it hurts that bad.
I keep telling myself, just bear with it… it’s going to be alright… just get past this… it’s going to be alright. A lot of times, it gets alright in a short time.
It’s those times, when it takes… longer, that make me afraid. That’s when I’m afraid… that’s when the pain is so raw, so ‘looming up in my mind like it has just happened’. That’s when my chest feels it will explode, I feel as if my very soul is screaming.
That’s when it’s hard to live with myself… I have no place to go. I can’t go get in the car, drive away… leave the pain behind. I can’t simply walk off from it, and not feel, hear, know it. It follows me my every waking moment. I only find peace when I go to sleep… when my mind can’t think.
Though, I tell you this… I still know everything’s going to be alright. I try to think of something to describe just a little to make you know how it feels.
Nothing I tell you can describe the grief for the loss of your child… you DO have to lose a child to know this pain… so, when I try to describe in mere words… know this.
Suppose you had to walk everyday to where you are going to. You don’t have a choice… you are going to go whether you want to, or not.
Suppose there were things on your path that you ‘were going to face’ each day. Bad things. Maybe there’s a yard you have to walk by that has a very mean, angry dog… and it comes after you, follows you for a time, until it turns back. It could get you any moment, shred you up in a ‘million’ pieces.
Sometimes, it draws blood. The mean, angry dog grabs you, shakes you, bites you several times. You fight like hell, manage to get away. You’ve been wounded, yet… over time, you are going to be alright.
Each time you pass by that yard… depending on how much that mean, angry dog wants you… determines the severity of the pain he inflicts on you. He could destroy you… but, only … if you allow it.
Grief is like this… only … worse. It isn’t the same each time it ‘happens’. Everyday… the ‘threat is there’… to get me.
When your mind begins to panic, thoughts going here, there non-stop… your stomach feels the trapped birds in a cage… pecking, screeching, fluttering their wings wildly to escape… the pain so great… you feel as if you’ll die from it all.
You HAVE GOT TO make yourself… your thoughts slow down. No matter what, you have to do this… I never said it was easy… and I didn’t say it’ll work every time.
Slow down enough, so… you don’t become confused, forget where you are… because as sure as the sun shines… you are going to get lost in… grief. You’ll get lost in the dark…
You can’t find your way back easily… if you ‘go too far’… you have to make yourself think, slow your thoughts down… to come back. Otherwise… something bad’s going to happen.
Saying all that… is easy. It doesn’t mean you can do it every time… you can’t. In fact, sometimes… you can’t think … for the pain. You do get lost in grief… I do get lost in grief. I can’t think about things around me… they cease to exist for a time.
I am looking ‘inward’… I’m trying ‘to bring Tommy back’. I’m wishing Tommy wasn’t gone… Tommy wasn’t………………. …………. can I say it? I’m wishing Tommy wasn’t ….. dead.
Dead… my son is … dead. I can say it right this moment. I’m not … lost in grief. Sometimes, I can be alright… and grieve at the same time. Sometimes… I can say ‘that word’… dead.
Dead… dead… dead. I made myself say it… I felt my eyes close, and I felt a bright flash of pure, white anger. My son is … dead. I see his face in mind… I do have stop, now. Sometimes, one can push things too far…
‘Bittersweet’… flavors of life… death. It’s very painful, but… one can find beauty, specialness at the same time… but, only at times when it’s a ‘bittersweet’ time.
I won’t become lost in grief, today. I can tell at this moment, I will be alright. I did ‘feel mad’ for a brief moment.
See how my thoughts… turned to … grief for Tommy, my only child, my son? This happens all the time… right in front of you… everywhere I go, no matter what I do. You never know… unless you come ‘here’ to read it. I never bother anyone with… my grief.
If you read about it… you choose to read, and leave quietly with thoughts of your own. So.. no matter what, everything is alright… you can go back to your life… see, hear, enjoy your children… I smile for you. I wouldn’t want you to know what I feel. It’s already happened to me… I’m stronger now, for it happening.
No, I wouldn’t want you to experience this. I’ve accepted I can’t change a thing. I don’t want you to know this… since it’s already happened to me… let me be the only mother to know.
I’m going to be thinking about what could possibly be special, beautiful about death… about Tommy being gone. What positive can I find in my heart about him being gone? What have I learned from the death of my only child?
No more questions… you, no one can answer them for me. I won’t waste my time asking ‘why?’ I may as well walk to the wall behind my desk… stand there, beat my head against it… I will never learn the answer to my ‘why?’.
Don’t tell me… if you really don’t know. If you do know, ‘have been there’… I’ll listen. Otherwise, don’t say anything… I don’t want to ‘not’ like you. I’m not writing to just get comments. This is … real life… the ‘bad’ part of it.
This is the part of life, ‘you’ don’t want to know. Just read it, and be so grateful you don’t. I’ll tell you so, you don’t have to experience to know. I don’t want it to happen to you. You might not be as strong as I am.
Grief is the threat of a thunderstorm happening anytime, day or night. Written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
- Please, I Don’t Want To Hurt Anymore… (grannyscolorful.wordpress.com)