That Piece Of Cardboard Is Getting In The Way…


That Piece Of Cardboard Is Getting In The Way…
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

a7a53-tabanandtommy1-1-2007

My son, Tommy… his little son.  What can I say?  My words can’t ever describe what my grief feels like… only a mother who has lost her son…daughter… will understand my pain.  Losing a child is unlike any pain you will feel in your life… I know this for a fact……

 

 

This morning… someone wanted to be friends with me on Facebook. Someone from the past… the past when Tommy was younger, and engaged to her. They broke up…

Of course, I accepted her… she’s a link to my son from a long time ago. She loved him at one time. She was a real part of my son’s life… I have no one else who was.

The strange thing was… I sat here at my computer, and I began to cry silently. I haven’t done that for a while. I was wondering ‘why’…

I felt such grief in my heart for my son. I remembered the break-up; something I haven’t thought about in years. I remember he was devastated… for a time, I was afraid for him. He was young, and he really loved this girl. Eventually… all became okay.

I think ‘why’ I cried is because ‘something linked to Tommy’ meant the world to me. I think I was glad she reached out… no one else linked to Tommy reaches out like that. That made her special… she didn’t have to.

It’s strange… how grief instantly came over me as memories began to resurface. I don’t think I’ll ever quit crying over the loss of my son. When I say cry… I don’t mean crying out loud, sobbing wildly. When I cry… it’s deep, silent. No one would notice if they didn’t see my eyes.

I find myself trying to ‘block’ each time I try to think back… see my son in my mind. It’s like a reporter with a camera trying to video something… and someone puts a piece of cardboard in front of his camera to ‘block’ his vision.

Blocking is protection …. to prevent more grief, more pain. It’s always there… it has to be. I would go to pieces if my mind didn’t ‘block’ it all. I would upset Skip with my grief… he can’t bear to see me cry, hurt… I don’t like to hurt him.

Only The Pups… see my grief now. Each one will take turns coming to me, to love me. Their eyes look sad for me… making me pet them for caring so much… reassuring them that I’m okay.

I notice that I am being ‘careful’ tonight while writing… that piece of cardboard is getting in the way.

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12 thoughts on “That Piece Of Cardboard Is Getting In The Way…

  1. gloria we will always have those moments that for seemingly no reason we begin to ‘silently cry’ it is that weeping that cleanses our hearts and soothes our souls when we are filled with sorrow that has no other release. My heart is with you dear one. Hugs

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