I Will Know Only When …The Time Comes
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Tommy’s Chest… This is all I have of … my son. Opening the lid to this chest is one of the hardest things to do. I have tried… it’s heavy with grief. I’ve opened it twice since May 29, 2010. Inside are Tommy’s things… also, my tears from when I looked in it.
I guess it stands to reason, for me to have Tommy on my mind a lot lately. Another holiday will soon be here… all mothers think of their children. Holidays were special through the years… made that way for a child.
Looking at Tommy’s photos… I can’t believe he’s not here. In his photos, I see a strong, big guy with a sunshine smile. I can still hear his voice in my mind. Oh my God… I really can.
I still know what it sounds like. Suppose I ever heard someone speak like him? I don’t know what reaction I would have. My stomach feel like butterflies are flying around in it. Panicky…
I’ve been thinking about his chest … in my mind, I can see it. It’s a beautiful, deep red, upholstered chest. It sits in my art room… I wish I could get it, bring it to the table… open it, take the few things out that are… his.
I would like to hold them in my hands… close my eyes… ‘feel’ them with my heart. Smell them… to see if I can find the scent of my son. Maybe on his hat… the hat he had on… at his last moment on the beach.
There’s a plastic box in his chest… one that I would have to open, take the contents out. This … is the box that can cause me intense pain, grief. I can’t talk about it… now.
I don’t know if I will get the courage to take his chest down from where it sits… bring it to the table at this holiday. I will know only when …the time comes….