It’s So Funny … That I Cry … Laughing
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
(November 20, 2014 … my son, Tommy, would have been 44 years old, today … somehow, I got his birthday, Thanksgiving Day mixed up) …
I didn’t know I would cry … today. Hey, I really didn’t think I would cry … anymore. You know … everything is … alright. Didn’t I tell you it was? If I ‘tell you’ … then, it’s so.
I haven’t cried one time … I’ve cried several times … and the day is just getting started. It’s only 8:56 am. I have a feeling … I’m going to shed more tears as the day goes by.
Now … I know the … source … of being more emotional for the past week … the feeling of choking on my tears; the feeling that if I begin to cry, I won’t be able to stop.
Yet … I am happy, now. Why would I be crying if I’m so happy? Do you know … I wouldn’t even talk about this to anyone … but, I made a promise to many people … ‘you’.
‘You’ … my readers, followers, friends … it’s the very reason I began to write, to blog … to share the most worst feeling in this world. To share something I know well in my life since being a child … pain, grief of losing someone all the time … whether they lived, died.
I promised to tell you ‘like it really is’ …what ‘really goes on’ at every stage of … ‘this mother’s grief’. My grief for the loss of my only child, my son … Tommy.
I can’t speak for anyone else … I don’t talk to anyone about … grief. I can’t. I can tell them I care … am on the same journey in life … when a mother loses her child. I can say I ‘know you hurt’, because I have … oh, my God, I still do. I can say it, because I ‘really know … am experiencing’ it for the rest of my life.
I’ll never be a mother again … it’s always going to be that way … until I am taking my last breath. I will be a … dead, motherless woman when that day comes. Oh no! I want to laugh … that sounds so funny. It’s honestly what came to my mind … so, I said it.
It sounds so funny, I’m going to cry again. This kind of humor hurts … I tell myself something ‘funny’ … then, I cry. Then … for a few seconds … I am mad. But … I don’t go wasting my time, wishing for Tommy to come back. That’s all it is … a waste of time. He’s not going to come back … even if I stood on my head. Nothing I do, say … is going to change a thing. I’m not going to keep banging my head against the wall …
I feel the waves of pain wash over me … making my whole body shudder under the weight. My tears add to the already deep ocean of grief … I’ve cried since the evening of May 29, 2010 … has it been that long? It doesn’t seem like that long … until I actually said, wrote it.
Should I somehow, stop grieving automatically ‘by now’? Is there something I don’t know that other grieving mothers know? Am I grieving right … is there a wrong, or right way? I … learn as I go. I already knew how to grieve … I lost most all my family.
It was just that I didn’t know how to grieve for the loss … of ‘my own flesh, blood’ … my only child.
I know … now. I’m still crying for Tommy … I thought I could fool myself. I thought if ‘I told you all’ … that everything’s alright, that I didn’t think I would cry anymore … then, I wouldn’t. I thought if I ‘told you’ … then, I ‘couldn’t’ cry anymore. This was my first test since telling you … I’m sorry I lied to you.
I thought I would make myself never cry again … because I would have to tell you … I lied to you. Well, I did lie to you … but, I really didn’t mean to.
It was like a thief in the night … if it had been a real thief … I would be dead … because I never heard, saw it coming. Grief is making itself known … today … Tommy’s birthday.
I really ‘knew’ when this day came … I wouldn’t cry. I wouldn’t feel all the terrible pain … I’ve accepted it all. I’ve been feeling so happy … strange enough, I still … feel so happy!
I can’t change a thing … so, why should I cry about it. It’s life … it’s death … there’s not a … damn … thing I can do about it.
Oh my … I even feel ‘just a tad angry’ … can you hear it in my words. I didn’t mean to be. I’m not mad at all.
Yes, I know … I’ve been telling you it’s all going to be alright … ‘now’. It really is … but, it doesn’t stop the pain. Not only that … the pain can blindside one … me. I didn’t see it coming. I ‘knew’ I was more emotional than I’ve been this past week … for some time. I know ‘why’ … now.
It’s so strange … I knew Tommy’s birthday would be soon … somehow, without realizing it … I skipped to Thanksgiving Day … today. Where did Tommy’s birthday go? How did I think I was going to get past that? Well, if I ‘didn’t know’ … that’s how, I guess.
In my mind … today was going to be Thanksgiving Day. Now, that I think about it … when was I going to realize … Tommy’s birthday comes before Thanksgiving … did I ‘go crazy, and not know it’? You know … ‘am I right’? I’m okay … just trying to be ‘funny’ again.
Hellfire! I cooked our Thanksgiving Day meal, yesterday. If you stop a minute … it’s so funny! I think it’s so funny that I … cry … laughing.
Well, we’ve already ‘celebrated Thanksgiving’ … damn! It’s so funny … that I cry … laughing.