Everything’s Okay … Everything Is Alright, Because … I Have Made It So
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee
My Book … by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee. Tommy will always be remembered
My Soul hurts … or is that my Heart aching … something hurts, I’m not sure which it is … Soul … Heart. I wonder ‘really’ … what the difference is? Really … what is the difference? You think I would know. Soul-ache … Heartache?
Just because everything … is alright, doesn’t mean pain ‘just disappeared’ … just like that. But, you know that … I know you do, because …
Because … I don’t have a monopoly on pain. Because … I’m not the only one who hurts, who has hurt.
You know how it feels … there are many of you … who hurt worse than I do … in a worse way that makes it much harder in your life’s journey … to get to where … ‘everything’s going to be alright’.
Sadly … there are people who might not get to a point in time … to know ‘everything really can be … alright’ … enough, to be able to cope with their pain. Sadly, there are people who will never know, they are damaged so much … or they aren’t here, anymore.
I can only say from ‘all’ in my life, I’m fortunate to ‘know’ … I promise you, there’s so much more than I have even told you, or will tell you that have caused me grief, pain from the time of being a little child, through the years … until now.
I ‘kept trudging through storm after storm, time and time again’ … I fell down, crawled, fought tooth and nail to get back up … cried, screamed, kicked inside … sometimes, aloud … when no one was around.
Mostly all … was done in silence … no one knew the difference as I didn’t share my private feelings with them. Pride … wouldn’t let me. That big, bright smile everyone loved to see … I showed it to make … people, happy. It didn’t matter if I wasn’t … inside.
I smiled bigger … whenever someone would say to me that they just knew … I was the happiest person around. Well, I guess them saying that … did make me feel that way. I was glad I didn’t pull their moods down … I was glad … I fooled them, didn’t have to be questioned. I want them to be alright … I can take care of me.
Somehow, each time … everything got to a place where … it was alright; enough so, I could live with the … aftermath. You’d be surprised what a human being’s Heart can take … I feel grief for the ones … who couldn’t.
I was almost one of them at several times in my life … I know how it feels to ‘get to that point in time’ … right to the moment of making the decision to … I’ve been past the … point of no return. Somehow … I came back, through no choice of mine.
Am I here for a good reason … is it possible for this one person … nobody special … to make any kind of positive impact on this old world? I can’t imagine. I only have one Heart … it does care about … the whole world.
Really, does one Heart matter? Does mine? I’m no one compared to the millions of people in this world. Does it matter that I care about you, them … everyone?
I don’t have any money to show, give you … I don’t have anything to show you I care. Can you feel it? Does it matter? Will you laugh at me, think ‘what does it matter if she can’t give me anything’? Would ‘just knowing, sensing’ … that this person cares … mean anything? Could it? Who am I? What does it matter?
I’m no different … yet, I am … from the thousands of people my age … who are getting older. I will one day … be old.
How can one person stand out among so many people? I have watched older people being ignored for the simple fact … that they are ‘old’. I’ve watched them be looked over, not listened to because … everyone knows an old person ‘don’t know nothing’.
I’ve watched older people be yelled at … because … old people are deaf, dumb … stupid. Their feelings don’t matter … because they are old farts. Who cares about them? Their time has come, gone.
‘Old’ people are nobody … now. Let’s walk all over them … wish them to die as soon as possible so, we can take all their good belongings … especially money, and enjoy it ourselves. They just stand in the way … between us, and a good time … all because … they are breathing air we need.
How can it matter what one person feels … among so many people? We are like a field of flowers … all beautiful … how in the world can one flower … stand out? Yet … somehow, we do.
I want to be a beautiful flower … I want to stand out for being a good person. Does it even matter … at The End? Does it?
If I died this moment … wouldn’t I be forgotten? That lady who wrote about pain, grief … yet, had such a love for people, animals? Who cried in secret for the pain … people, pets have to suffer through? Who loved her Husband, Pups with her very being … who was loyal, decent, honest to them?
Does any of this … really matter? Does it? What’s so special about that?
I can draw, paint … write. I can do many things … at least, a little enough for someone to take a little notice. I don’t do any one thing … great. If I could sing … I shouldn’t have mentioned that … it brings back ‘bad memories’ … not bad-bad 🙂
It’s just almost as soon as I think of ‘me singing’ … I think of the time I was in the church choir as a child … I was told not to sing … out loud. Only when I felt defiant … I would sing aloud, stare at anyone who looked at me to shut up … damn, I wanted to sing, too!
There were certain people, I have to be honest … if they looked at me with those mean-ass, beady eyes with pursed lips … I would deliberately sing ‘worse’ … to fix them! Yes … I can be ‘mean’ sometimes, 🙂 Life happens, is all I got to say about it.
Why in the world would I be defiant? Why did I do that? Did it matter? I know it pissed off some old people, when I did that. Was it meant … that they … needed to be pissed off? I can hear Tommy saying … “well, isn’t it better to be pissed off … than to be pissed on”?
I smile … Tommy was so darn funny … when he and Skip got together … oh my, the entertainment I got to enjoy, watching and listening to them. Can you imagine how I miss that? Does it even matter? Does it matter, that I had such feelings? When I die, no one will know that … if they do, who cares?
Sometimes … I write to entertain … myself. Sometimes … well, I used to, but … no more, I used to do silly things to send in a video to Tommy on the road, to make him laugh. He would crack up … call me, and say … “Mama, is you crazy”? He did the same things. It was just so funny.
One of those things I did … was to sing. Yep, that’s right. I knew he would get a kick out of that. His mama could not … sing. His mama’s son … could not sing, either! The laughs we got out of ‘trying to sing’ … Tommy would tell me he was going to audition on American Idol. I’d beg him not to, ha! He would say, “Mama, you are just jealous because I can sing … and you can’t”!
Tommy … can you tell I miss my son? Can you tell I loved him with my very Mother’s Heart? Can you tell I’ll always … cry for Tommy … even when I’m at my happiest? Can you tell? Does it matter? How can it matter to anyone …
Skip, Tommy, and I … were so close. Being ourselves … being there for the other … knowing we weren’t alone as long as we had each other, no matter where we were in this big, old world … meant everything.
Skip, Tommy, and I … and our Pups. Like a strong, sturdy table with four legs … now, it only has 3 legs, now. Strong 3 legs … now. I’m holding my side up ‘good’, now. I don’t plan to fall down … if I do … watch my ass get up, support that table again. That … table is my world … Skip, and our Pups … and Me. Yes, it … matters 🙂
Yes … it matters. Why? Because it’s a part of my life … to live is for all to matter. If not … what’s the purpose of living? I care about everything that touches my life, my thoughts … my everything. I care about people who don’t care about me, I care about things I can’t change. Does it matter?
Since Sunday, when … ‘Granny Gee’ died … when her little grandson looked at her without the special ‘Granny Gee light’ in his eyes … didn’t run calling ‘Granny Gee’ like he used to … didn’t really want to come hug me … I’ve been experiencing a ‘bad’ time.
I would think I was alright … when I would realize I wasn’t; Skip would say he knew ‘why’ I wasn’t myself … because I became upset easily.
I would come to my computer, hoping to be inspired to write. I just couldn’t (now … I just stayed up most of the night :). Now … I have written my thoughts … shared them with you.
Before I quit writing (it’s morning, now!), I want to tell you how seeing all the things each of you wrote to me on Facebook, emails, messages … meant so much to me.
Did it matter? Yes … yes, it did from every single person. It meant my world. I ‘felt’ the words from each of you … it was like putting logs on the fireplace … my Heart felt the warmth it needed to keep beating. I needed your words … it’s simple as that … they all mattered to me. I’m telling you … if I didn’t, how could you know … that it mattered greatly to … me?
Does it matter to you … what I think? Who cares? Regardless … I’ve sat here, most of the night … plucking thoughts from the air, as I thought them … writing about them, sharing them with you.
Grief, pain … emotional turmoil have been with me once again … since Sunday… this morning is Thursday at 5:47 am.
Am I alright? Yes … I can finally say … yes. Why? Because … I kept working at coping with Sunday’s event. I made myself face it … I have two grandchildren … I don’t have two grandchildren. Either way, I accept … both ways, I accept. I have let go of it … I can’t change it.
I can live with it, now. This has nothing to do with all my Special Grandmother’s Love for them … that’s forever. If I never saw them again while I am living … my Love will live on for them.
They will read it one day … at least, there will be a part of me that lives on … my words that I write. It does matter that both of them know that I loved them … no matter, if they are growing up to think their father’s mother isn’t special in their lives.
Everything’s okay … everything’s alright … because I have made it so.
Photos/Story are both owned by me, #Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee. I have finally got to the point … everything’s going to be alright. #grief #pain #loss of son