The Fun Thing Is … You’ll Always Have Something To Wonder About!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Photos of me as a younger woman; artwork by me. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I’m probably the quietest friend anyone could have. I’m probably one of the most trustworthy, honest friends … one could have. I’m probably … the most sincerest friend you could have.
I do have one friend very much like me in the ways that matter to me … my childhood friend. We don’t see each other often … we communicate often by email, texting … we don’t get into each other’s private life … yet, we are ‘there’ if we are needed. It’s the most ‘perfect, only way’ … I can be close to anyone. She knows how I am … respect, understanding.
I’m a loner … yet, I’m a people person … I can be in the middle of all the laughing, having a fun time … or I can be the little girl I used to be … standing on the outskirts, looking … enjoying being near people even if I wasn’t a part of them.
I don’t like to be isolated from people … I love the sounds of ‘family life’ in harmony; the sounds of airplanes in the sky …. sounds of lawn mowers in the distance … I love to hear dogs barking in the distance … children squealing, playing in a distance.
I love to hear the laughter, talking of people enjoying life in the distance. Another thing I love … is to hear the radio playing in the distance while someone is working … I love to be sitting outside, drawing … painting … or reading in the sunshine, feel a breeze blow my hair, caress my skin … and hear the sounds I just told you about.
I think if I were a part of the weather, I would be the … happy breeze … I would see the secret smiles of people who enjoy getting a breeze to cool their skin off. I would see the relief from the heat … as I visited. I would dry the tears if I saw someone crying …
Then, again … I would be the sunshine. Spread golden, warm happiness everywhere … even in the meanest of hearts. Even mean-ass people love … sunshine!
I’m thinking … I give the sillest things a lot of thought at times 🙂 … that I would be the breeze, sunshine … and rain … and give it out each time I saw it was needed.
I would try to be everywhere at one time so, everyone could be happy, ha! Now … I see ‘why’ the weather gives up, rains too much … it just ‘plain’ gets … tired.
I do things from my Heart … if I do something for you … it’s because I truly want to. If I don’t … it means … I really don’t want to! No matter if I have money … don’t have money … when I do from my Heart … money can’t buy it.
I’m loyal … just as a dog is loyal to the ones who love it, treat it well. Just as loyal even to someone … when they abuse it. The thing is … I don’t ‘abuse’ … well. I take that back … abuse me … we have a problem. I didn’t come this far in life to be abused by … anyone.
I have a forgiving Heart … I have to have so, I can live with myself. People say, “Gloria … you … can … forgive … that”? I didn’t say I could forgive … quickly, easily … it does take time, you know. I never get in the position of trusting again … but, no one would believe the things I have … forgiven. All I can say is … I’m a better person for it …
To live with myself, I have to forgive … go forward. It … does not … mean I’d trust again … I would still be a nice person … just don’t get into my personal space. I can still be … ‘friends’. I would be the … best … ‘not friends anymore’ … you’d ever have.
I really try to be a good person, always. I don’t like ugliness … nor do I like the ugliness I know I could be … I grew up with Hell in me … I know how to … Raise Hell … I just choose … not to. I do have a choice … of ‘when’, though. I try to pick my battles.
I don’t want to hurt anyone … only … if I’m pushed too far … will I come out swinging … all Hell’s going to … break loose. The number ‘3’ becomes important at this point … I try to give 3 chances, hoping someone will know better …
That means someone has really been ‘for-real bad’ … to make me … ‘Raise Pure Hell’. I’m going to win, then. Why? Because … by that time, I … mean to … one way or other. It comes to a point where the kettle is going to boil water hell-over, and it’s going to burn someone if they are too close. The lid’s coming off …
I truly love people … animals. I don’t like mean, ugly, horrible people … nor animals that way. Living beings that thrive on the pain of others … sitting around always plotting, scheming on how to do another living being in. Ready to pounce when others are weak … they would steal the food off one’s plate … even knowing one had been without food for a week.
I would never commit adultry … never-ever … never. I did make a mistake many years ago … I did do something wrong … unknowingly. I never forgot the awful pain it caused … I would never do that again. In fact, Skip and I were talking about something, yesterday. I mentioned it to him … he knows all about it … we are close, we talk about everything.
I had two friends I ‘trusted’ … I knew when they told me something, I … ‘could take it to the bank’. How could I know how deceitful, jealous they were at that time in my life.
I trusted two vipers in the grass … each wanting me to lose all I had, hated the beautiful clothes I wore, and yes … how attractive I was as a young woman… they wanted to see me fail …jealousy is a bad thing. I loved those friends as much as they … didn’t love me. They pretended … I found out when I learned one of them tried to turn my mother against me, love her instead. It didn’t work … she didn’t know the love I had for … my mama.
They told me a guy wanted to date me … I didn’t just date a guy, easily. I’d seen him at their home … he treated me with respect. I liked him. I asked was he married …. “oh, no”! they said. A date was arranged … I dated him. In fact, I dated him maybe two-three times … I found out he was married … I ran the opposite way!
Later, I met his wife … a very nice woman … I felt sick inside at the part I played in the pain I know I contributed … didn’t matter if I did it … not knowing. What mattered was … I caused awful pain to a woman doing something I had experienced, being married as a young girl. Being cheated on … this time I was the ‘other woman’.
Oh, my God … I was the other woman. How could I do such a thing? I grew up in that mess … there I was … being like something I didn’t believe in … never wanted to do. You wouldn’t believe what I saw as a child … God knows I could been a ‘good cheater … a good ‘bad woman’ … I got my lessons by watching, learning.
I remember looking that woman in her eyes … seeing the tears of pain in them. I looked hard … I didn’t look away. I did wrong … I told her I did … never meant to. I was lied to, about her husband being married. I faced up to her pain, made myself see, feel it … I never forgot it even to this day. I did that to her.
I talked to her with my Heart. Somehow, she saw the sincerity, the … pain I felt … she forgave me. She smiled through a curtain of tears at me … I remember smiling a soft smile from my very Heart … through a curtain of tears … at her. I ‘felt’ her forgive me. It meant … everything to me.
She could ‘see’ … ‘know’ … I was being truthful to her. A lot of women would have said …. “f___ her, who cares what she thinks”! I cared more than anyone could possibly know.
I know how that kind of pain feels … it almost cost me my life as a young girl … several times. My pride, dreams … Heart … was thrown to the ground, shattered in a million pieces … just like the music box given to me ‘back then’.
It was an expensive, beautiful music box … when I opened it … it began to play ‘Love Means You Don’t Have To Say You Are Sorry’ ( I may have the words backwards … not the first time :).
I remember the pain in my Heart … looking up into the eyes of the man I’d married as a very young girl … I trusted with my life … ‘knowing’ he was cheating on me.
It went through my mind … that I had overdosed on pills because of the pain that was stronger than I … the years I had stayed married to him because I loved him, I loved my child … wanted a home unbroken for him. I wanted my child to have what I didn’t …
Why … he’d been gone for three days, and he’d just come home with the beautiful … music box. The music box playing … Love Means You Don’t Have To Say You Are Sorry (I can’t remember if that’s exactly the title) …
I stood there, listening to the beautiful music coming from the box (it didn’t look like a ‘box’ … it was some beautiful, porcelain ‘something’ … ). I remember tilting my head to one side … then, looking back down at that ‘beautiful something’ …
A storm blew up all of a sudden … I know because of the rush of hot tears that began pouring from my eyes … the pain that struck like lightening bolts in my very Heart … the grief of being betrayed that went to my soul … one helluva storm that threatened to drown, beat me down to the ground … make me want to die to see some kind of peace. I couldn’t take anymore of this Hell … all of a sudden … the storm intensified …
My hands raised that ‘beautiful something … that music box still playing that beautiful, sweet music’ … for a moment I became the very storm overwhelming me … I crashed that damn music box to the floor! A hell of a earthquake struck in that instant …
I looked up in defiance, pure damn ‘white-hot’ anger … and I said these words ( I do not apologize, here … life is life … my life was as real as it could get … I said these words …) … “Fuck you, you son of bitch”!
I stomped the pieces of that music box into the floor … it quit playing … Love Means You Never Have To Say I’m Sorry ( or whatever the hell … the name of that song was!).
Love Means You Have To Never Have To Say I’m Sorry (or whatever the hell the name of that song was ) … my last memory of it playing was as it hit the floor … my very Soul, Heart was screaming inside from the awful pain.
I damned that music box to Hell … love that could never be put together again … shattered into a million pieces … each piece representing all I believed in, cared about.
I broke the home I never wanted broken … never wanted my son to grow up from. A note here … soon after this happened … I became a divorced, young woman … she became jealous of … me.
I remember one day I came to pick my son up … she said something to me. I stopped, smiled the kindest smile at her, told her …. ‘Now, you are in my shoes … I’m glad to be … me … now. I told her I didn’t have to worry, wonder, go through hell anymore. I was free!
Yep! That old music box shattered into a million pieces just like the life I lived at the time … I learned a lot from the fourteen years I was a young bride … this is when I began learning to forgive … go forward … let go.
When I say that … it also, means it was all very painful, it didn’t happen overnight … I can hear my little brother who died, in my mind at this very moment, saying … ‘life can be a bitch, sometimes’.
I just smiled, thinking about Rick-Rick. My little brother was just himself, he wasn’t perfect at all … he didn’t have to be … he was my little brother … I loved him so much. I miss you, Rick-Rick. I have Rick-Rick’s ashes in my artroom … in a happy room. I don’t think he ever knew true happiness in life … he was on a spiral … he had no where else to go … but, to die when he did. Painful …
His life was completely the opposite of mine … no one would have guessed we were brother … sister. I always made sure they did if they didn’t know … I loved my brother.
This morning, while sitting here, listening to Christmas music I wasn’t certain if I would write, or not. This is what happened … I wrote. 🙂
I was thinking about these things. I was thinking about me being a friend … I do think I’m the best friend … I could have. I don’t say it in a conceited way at all … I say it in the way of how I’ve learned so much in life … it really has made me a good person, inside. I like ‘myself’… though, I’m far from perfect.
I wonder what I’d been ‘back in the old days’? Truthfully … I think I would have been a saloon girl … why?
Because … she was around people, music all the time. Hustle-bustle of the world around her; never isolated out on some prairie … barefooted, pregnant, hungry … at the mercy of animals, men.
Always dressing pretty … speaking one’s mind ( oh my … that would be me!) … life wouldn’t have been so, hard in that position for a woman. She could have fun, dance when she wanted to …
Okay, okay … I know. What about me being as good as I can be … as a person? I would still be as good as I could be … as a person … 🙂 I just know I’d had a lot of … good friends, ha!
Think about it … a life of hardship out on the cold, harsh desert … no, I’d choose ‘city life’ … being around cowboys, and other saloon girls … dresses of every color … lace … beautiful shoes … fun! I’d choose the … colorful life!
I’ve backed myself up here in a corner … I’m thinking about things I don’t have to think about. I’m sounding like a kid, when someone asks ‘what would you do’ … I’m getting in deeper, and deeper …
The good thing in this situation is … I was just thinking about these things! 🙂 I know you do this, too … if you let your imagination loose! When I sit down to ‘really write’ … this is how I do it.
I ‘become’ … what I write about … even if it’s … naughty or nice. It’s like an actor/actress .. to become what you are doing … writing, acting … you are convincing someone it’s real … and making a ‘hell of a good story’ … at the same time!
When you get through writing/acting … one is back into daily life, and just … themselves, again. 🙂 I guess when writing, sometimes … it is better that strangers read your stories … then, they wouldn’t wonder if the person they already know … is really like that!
The fun thing here, is … you’ll always have something to wonder about me! 🙂
Note: Photos, Artwork, Story owned by #Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ #Granny Gee