I Didn’t Know The World Was Big Enough For Both … Grief Of Losing My Son … Me
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Photos of Tommy, Skip, myself, my artwork, beadwork; I made fireplace in the photo with our Christmas tree this year… dragonfly picture (Tommy loved dragonflies) …. owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I have made it to another Christmas … never knowing … I could ever feel joy, happiness in my Heart, again.
My only child, Tommy, died May 29, 2010, at the young age of 40. He had blockages to his heart … no one knew. He … was at Myrtle Beach … running, playing with his little 3 year old son … when he collapsed on the sand.
Tommy’s spirit soared with the angels who came to take him home. The last sounds he heard … were the laughter of a precious, little boy … sea gulls singing to him as the ocean waves softly played in the background. Come home, Tommy …
I can’t in no way … describe the grief I’ve suffered. Grief … there wasn’t enough room in this world for my grief … myself. I almost … had to go … to make it bearable. How in the world does a mother … learn to live without the child she brought into the world?
Of course, if you’ve never lost a child … you can’t even begin to understand, nor … imagine. I do know you can begin to think about your child being ‘gone’ … you will panic inside, have to stop trying to imagine.
Why? Because … you don’t want to think of this world without your child in it. Oh, my God … the pain. Pain just from ‘thinking about it’ for a moment, or two. Just think if it were the ‘real thing’ … that it really happened.
I’m glad you have your children. It makes my Heart happy when I see you with them. I smile when you don’t know it … I love to see families, hear … their happy, family sounds.
My Heart breaks if I see unhappiness in a family … I have to not look. My thought is that they just don’t know how fortunate they are to have each other. If I think closer, I realize that there are others like me … who will never have a normal family relationship with loved ones.
Some families are ‘f____ up’ before they are born … things are somehow, born in them … when they come into this world, they come in kicking, screaming … full of hate, anger. If you see a happy smile … watch out … someone else is hurting, someone else had to ‘pay for’ that happy smile. Just hope it isn’t … your ass.
This is life … just the way it is. I don’t sugar-coat it. I see it this way, I have felt it … this way … since I began aware of being a little person with thoughts. I’ve known grief, sadness, pain all my life … it’s a part of me just as breathing.
I also, know how it feels to smile, laugh … feel the happiness of happy! It just never lasted very long in my life … just enough to get a taste of it … wish for so much more.
Once in a while, I allow myself to ask ‘why can’t I have happiness all the time’? I stop as soon as the question forms in my mind. So, I tell myself that no matter what … everything will somehow find a way to be alright …. at times, it’ll take longer … but, it will be alright.
I just have to be happy while I’m sad, grieving … or in pain. I’m never going to feel one … without the other. I just have to make the best of it … or just … die. I love to live …
Thank-God for writing … thank-God for Skip, our Pups … and thank-God for … you. I made it, to ‘now’ … Truthfully, I never ‘saw ahead this far’.
I fought the battle of my life … losing a child is a terrible war inside. I won … I’m here … and for-real, everything is alright. Not ‘going to be’ … it ‘is’.
I wish all mothers, fathers … the most wonderful holidays with their children. Hold them close to your Heart … I pray you never lose them. Parents should never live to see their children … die.
The perfect way would be for parents to grow old gracefully … go before their children. The world is … not perfect.
I didn’t know the world was big enough for both the grief of losing my son … me.
Photos, story owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
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