I Am Burning This Bridge Behind Me As I Speak … There’s No Coming Back
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter
Note: These are a few of my Faces of Grief … overweight, ugly from deep grief. I had no idea I’d ever care about … being here today … burning a bridge behind me to a road I never want to be on again in this life. Not only that … I feel if I don’t … ‘have a path back to where I’ve come from’ … I won’t ever know the way back to the Overweight Road in my life.
I won’t tell you the first secret … just yet. I will tell you this one that has happened … now. This is one of my secrets … I will tell you the other in the future.
I have been doing something for the past 2 months … it’s paying off in a big way. I’ve have been losing weight. I have lost 20 lbs … thankfully.
In my mind … I have lots more to go. Why? I have my mind on … size 6 to size 10. I know how easy it is to tip the scales at a size 12 … size 14. I know at that size for me … it could be devastating to see a couple of lbs. gained … I have to be already small enough so, I won’t panic. I have gotten into sizes 16-18 lately. I’m on my way to being where I want to be.
I am excited … I have clothes that have been in my closet with price tags on some of them … as soon as I bought them several years ago … I went on to forget them as I gained more weight. I have new clothes without price tags I wore once … never again. Now … these clothes can’t be worn … I didn’t know they were too big for me!
For five years … I’ve been on the Road of a Grieving Mother … I have come off that road now. I can grieve, live at the same time … today.
During the time of being in deep grief … when I did become aware of the stranger in the mirror … I would try for that day to … come back to being myself. I couldn’t care enough for it to last more than a few hours.
I just couldn’t focus on how I looked, try long to look nice any more. Life had finally beaten me down until I thought I’d never want to … really live again. I honestly didn’t give a damn about anything. I had lost my only child … I couldn’t bear living with that knowledge … it was too great. I had no idea I could reach ‘today’, where I am at this moment in my mind.
I’m thinking from personal experience how I used to lose weight. I could never eat … when I was tiny. I know how to eat healthier … now. I used to starve myself. Back then … I had no concept of how important food was to the body … looking back, I sure was … damn dumb. The truth is the truth.
I cringe looking back at myself before I learned things … I always had to learn on my own by reading … watching others. There wasn’t one person who ever tried to make things easier for me … teach me. Well … years later … I made it … I have learned a few things. 🙂
Oh … I told a lie … there was one woman who cared ‘back then’ … she did tell me things … let me watch how she did things. I loved her with my very Heart. Her name was as different and special as she was … her name was Arzie Igel.
I’m glad Skip got to meet her. She died some years ago … the world lost a very real person, a good person. She had the most sparkling blue eyes, a sunshine smile. She was Tommy’s grandmother … that’s where he got his sunshine smile from! Not only that, he got his … gift for gab from her. They both loved to talk, laugh, joke.
Once I went to the extreme of not eating … only drinking lots of liquids … for 30 days. I lost 14 lbs. in the first 11 days. I was running each day at that time. I had to lay down in the evenings when I did that. It’s a wonder I didn’t die.
I drank mostly Maxwell House coffee, and caffienated Lipton tea … and Pepsi. Once I remember getting caffiene poisoning … I didn’t know I was like that until I began to talk … my mind was racing, so were my words. I was … ‘alive’! Too much so.
That’s not good for anyone at all … one should never-ever lose weight like this. I don’t advise this to anyone at all. First of all … it’s dangerous to your health … it can cause bad things to happen to your body.
I am seeing the hints of the ‘old me’ that I loved about myself. I get up each morning now, with a smile on my face. I run to the mirror to look in the mirror! I smile … bigger! I am finding ‘ME’ again!
Did you know that when you tell people you are losing weight … you can get all kinds of good food … you could eat free! Why?
It’s like an alcoholic … if people find out the alcoholic is breaking his addiction to alcohol … why he could drink free for the longest time. People who are addicted to drugs … can’t win for losing … he won’t have to buy drugs once he gets the word out … he is quitting.
My little brother died … from this kind of love. He kicked drugs as we helped him the last 3 months of his life … his ‘friends’ began bringing drugs to him. The last night of his life he spent it with a ‘friend’ … who supplied him with drugs that night. He died while sitting up on the couch late that night while smoking a cigarette, watching tv. Or so … the ‘friend’ said.
People want others to fail … people that are overweight … people that are alcoholics … people addicted to drugs … don’t want to be left behind in the miserable world of … grief. Grief from being overweight … grief from becoming an alcoholic … addicted to drugs.
Try quitting one of these things … let people know what you are doing. Find out how easy … and free it could be … to have all the food, liquor, and drugs you want. All your friends who share the same problem … will come to you with a smile … begin giving you what … you don’t want. Why?
Misery loves company … no one wants to be alone in the worlds they’ve chosen to live in. I have lived in all these worlds … as a child I know how it feels to live in the world with everyone drinking, taking their drugs, smoking.
I know what being overweight is … personally. Damn right … I didn’t want to be the only one in my miserable world of being overweight.
Come on, be fat with me! I’ve got some good chocolate cake waiting for you! Hellfire, we’ll cook up some good foods to eat … let’s see … no, let’s go to McDonald’s and get a bunch of burgers, pig out! I’m joking … I didn’t ever do like this, hopefully no one else does, either.
I don’t knock other people who take drugs, drink alcohol, who are overweight. I have experienced so much in my life to know that anyone drinking … taking drugs, smoking … have such an addition to it. They can’t just stop.
I have compassion for them … though, I can’t bear to be around them. They are on their own Roads of Hell in their life … it’s their life lesson to try to get off them, learn something in the process. I have gotten off scarier roads in life … thank God.
If you will watch people who smoke, watch your watch … you will see the pull of the nicotine. A person has to light up about every 15 minutes.
They need that cigarette. If they don’t get it … their moods begin to change. They become fidgety … some become ill, angry.
Give them that cigarette … watch how they mellow out. You may even see them smile, some will sigh a breath of relief … they have finally gotten that cigarette.
Some people love a cigarette better than food … I’ve heard them say they would eat a cigarette if they could.
Well … I smoked as a young girl … and I stayed unhappy that I smoked … I was addicted. I was so ashamed that I smoked.
I hid all the time so people wouldn’t see me put a cigarette to my mouth. Once a woman caught me smoking … one I looked up to … her words never left me. She said, “Gloria! I didn’t know you smoked! You don’t look like a smoker … that’s not you”! It hurt me deeply … because it really wasn’t me. I had become addicted to a cigarette. I had to have a … damn cigarette. I hated it … I hated it had control over me. I meant one day to quit … I did in the most unexpected way. Almost dying … saved my very life.
Thankfully …. many years ago … the habit didn’t stay with me. But … it took going to the door of death … not being aware of my everyday world because of my illness … to make me forget … yes, forget there was a such of thing as cigarettes, smoking.
Do you see how powerful the addiction is? People don’t understand anything … if they have never … walked on this road. Same thing on the roads of being overweight … drinking alcohol … taking drugs. One can’t just stop … unless they are in a place where someone can take over, help them through it.
I’ve seen people stop smoking … now, I want you to really watch someone who says they stopped smoking. My experience is later hearing them say they smoked marijuana … saying that’s not smoking. They said they ‘SMOKED’ it! They know they are still smoking, pulling that into their lungs even deeper than a regular cigarette.
They turn to … chewing tobacco, saying they aren’t smoking … that’s better for them.
Now … people are SMOKING … E-cigarettes … but, they say that’s not … smoking. That’s just a … vapor … cigarette. Go figure.
Watch a person gain weight when they turn to food when they stop smoking. It’s replacing one vise with another. The withdrawal is horrible … they have to have … something. I did that as a young girl … damn gaining any weight! My figure was more important!
You asked me how do I know these things … in one way or other I do know what I’m talking about. These are my observations … my opinions. I won’t argue them. You can go do your own studies … get your ah-ha! moments … the satisfaction of learning something you might not be aware of.
Go … check it out. If you want to let me know what you discovered … I would be so interested.
So, now … we get to WHY? is losing weight a secret? Well … don’t you agree you need to lose weight … in a quiet way … when everything you have enjoyed in the past … will be offered up to you on a silver platter? The very things that taste so good … put you in that shape in the beginning?
You can share your weight-loss with others if you want to … you are just asking for someone to begin offering you good foods to eat. Pay attention to WHO does that.
They will be the people who are afraid to lose you … as you lose your weight. They can do it, never mean to hurt you … never know how it affects you. They just want to keep you fat … they know food makes everyone happy.
They just want you to have some good stuff … and not leave them behind. If you are a woman … be prepared to be invited out to lunch more often by … another woman. They’ll pay for it. Eat that damn food … let’s fatten your ass back up where it needs to be! Oh … a jealous boyfriend, husband … will begin offering you all kinds of good things to eat … in the name of love. Thank God … Skip isn’t doing that.
You know how it is … you’ve probably been the culprit at one time or other in your life. You know how it is … you feel that twinge of jealousy when so and so … has lost all that weight … oh my God … look at how happy they are. Look at the beautiful clothes they are enjoying wearing now! I want to look like that again! All I have to do is … quit eating all that junk I call food! It isn’t that easy.
Many things drive a person to eat … when they don’t want to drink, smoke, do drugs. Not only that … medicines cause a person to gain weight. Some illnesses make people gain weight from swelling, retaining fluid. Depression can be a cause.
Don’t blindly look at a person and think all … weight-gain … is from overeating. It isn’t true. I promise you this … if you don’t show compassion to others in the conditions their bodies are in … you are going to … learn this life’s lesson one way or other.
Karma … it’s a bitch when it … bites YOU … in the ass. You deserve it, you know. You deserve to know how things feel when you judge someone without knowing facts. I’ve watched this happen too many times. Guess what? I’ve felt damn compassion for the sorry asses who judged others … when they … got their medicine back. I cared. I sure damn cared … when it was my ass that got bitten by Karma!
Watch this … when you lose your weight as a woman … you aren’t going to hear women compliment you at all! They will look away from you. They will smile the biggest, love you the best … when you look awful … and look you in your eyes, tell you ‘how good you look today’! Hasn’t that happened to you … as soon as you can get to a mirror, you look to see what they saw … realize the bitch is lying?
The only women who compliment another woman is one who isn’t threatened, isn’t jealous, or doesn’t … hate you. I won’t argue it … in my life … this is fact.
I am big enough to compliment another woman … I feel one should know when they look their best … or a certain color is becoming, or a hair style is beautiful on them. I appreciate it when it happens to me. Why? Because … it gives us all something to go by when others like something about us. We all want that … secretly.
I pay close attention in a very quiet way to … reactions. You should too … so, you can know who your ‘enemies’ are.
Believe me … you do have have some … even if they’ve never shown you that side … yet. There’s always someone who is jealous of you … hate you … wishes you ‘bad’ … always.
I know … the whos … in my life. They just don’t know that I know. I can smile just as sweetly when I see them … and do the … ‘how are you-uuuuuuuuuuuuuu today’! … thing, also. I learned from the best.
Truthfully, I know who my ‘friends-enemies’ … ‘frienemies’ are … they are so sweet to me. I am so sweet to them. But, it could change in the right circumstances.
I don’t spend time with them other than to say when they say to me, ‘Hello! How ar-rrrre you-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu’! I say ‘I’m jus-sssssst fin-nnnnnnnnnnnnnne, thank=kkkkkkkkkkk you-uuuuuuuuuuu’!
I smile so sweet … so big! Just like they do! It’s just pure … evil … I know it is! 🙂 I don’t give them the satisfaction of showing them … I don’t like them.
Treasure the people who sincerely care … genuinely express happiness at good things in your life.
I hope you genuinely express happiness when good things happen … in their life. That’s how to be a good friend … be real. Let’s hope the other friend … is real. We never know until one day it … all comes out … friendship is tested. I’ve been surprised at having a friend … I wasn’t aware of. Isn’t that amazing?
Anyway … I’ve thrown all my ‘big panties, bras’ away. Believe me, there was a stack of them. There’s no going back now. This is one bridge I want to burn behind me. I don’t want any paths back to the Overweight Road. I’ve traveled too long, too far on it. I never found happiness on it.
I’m stacking clothes after clothes from the closet … in big piles on the daybed. I’m going to sell them cheap on the local online swap shops. Someone else can use them as stepping stones as they get to where they want to be in their life.
Yes … I’ve made this public now. This is one bridge I am in the process of burning behind me as I speak (write).
Once I succeed in getting the ‘big’ clothes out of this house … I won’t be able to go back. If there’s any weight-gain … I will have to be ready to lose a couple of lbs.
I won’t buy any more ‘big’ clothes. This is the trick I used years ago … if my jeans even felt too tight in the waist … I fasted a day, two days … everything was fine once again.
Yes, this is one bridge I’m burning behind me as I speak. I don’t want to cross this bridge ever again … I never want to go back.
This is the latest photo of me … June 2015. I still have a ways to go on my new road in life (one I used to know well, loved 🙂 … Road of Not Overweight. I’m excited, looking forward.
The photos between the grief photos and this one … are the ‘between’ photos of these times … 2010 thru 2015 (June). You can see where I would try sometimes to come back from the grief … only to give up. There are several photos of me … years back when being the size I was happiest being … I mean to be that way … soon.
Can you see any difference from the grief photos in the past 5 years? The grief photos don’t reflect just how bad I really looked in real life. If one can’t see themselves in the mirror … their eyes looking inward … a mirror doesn’t mean anything to them.
Photos/true story are all owned/written by me … Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter