The Emotion is Bittersweet …
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter
Last photo taken of Tommy … only a short time before he collapsed on the sand by the ocean. Tommy died from 3 blockages to his heart … no one knew. Tommy died while running, playing with his little 3 year old son. Tommy died on May 29, 2010 … at the young age of 40.
Colors fill the air … I stand at the door watching colorful leaves blowing in the wind. It’s snowing … leaves. I love a fall day such as this.
I can sit, look out my window at the trees. Orange, yellow, red, and green leaves … fall is breaking out in her finest glory. I want to see it …
Leaves … a flashback to when Tommy died … a memory of being like a leaf in the wind … being blown from here to there. Moving only when the wind blew … I was like that the night Skip took me to the funeral home. The powerful medicine made possible for me to be there. I wonder what it was … I can’t remember. Doesn’t matter now.
The light … the light above … around Tommy as he lay in the box for everyone to come see. On display? I remember standing on the other side of the room … why couldn’t I be … right there … next to him? Why was the distance of the room keeping me so far away? I was in a trance-like state.
Sometimes … when I look in the mirror I can see the little scars from having had a child … a child I no longer have now. The only child I ever had. I still have the little scars …
Holidays are just around the corner once again. Time for families to get together … time for laughter, happiness … joyous times together with one’s wonderful loved ones. I have Skip, our Pups. They are my whole world now. I don’t have a child any longer. I really miss my son.
I see him sometimes … in others. I freeze when I do. I see other young men who look so much like Tommy. I watch as long as I can, I catch myself smiling … sometimes, I smile through tears. I miss my son.
As I stand watching … I am imagining Tommy walking, moving about … talking. I pretend for a few moments Tommy is really here. Of course, he isn’t. I know that. I can’t help but, let myself see Tommy when someone looks like him. Emotion tugs at my very Heart.
I know he’s gone … he can’t come back. I can’t change a thing … I’ve coped with it all in a positive way. I don’t cry anymore like I did. I don’t stay depressed, in a state of grief as I once did. I can smile thinking of Tommy … now.
I do miss him … I will always miss my son. I miss his big, sunshine smile … his eyes full of laughter … his soft laugh. I wouldn’t mind ever again him messing up my hair no matter how nice it was fixed.
I miss how we all joked, get so tickled we couldn’t stop laughing. I felt honored when Tommy would laugh, really laugh at something I would say. I am the same way about Skip. To make Tommy laugh at something, not be able to stop laughing was wonderful. He would make his mama laugh the same way.
I miss the one word he always said in a special way. I really wish I could hear Tommy say it again. That word always touched my very Heart. He could say it in ways … depending on the situation … that was funny, heart-touching. It was always special.
That word was … Mama. Sometimes, when he was being funny, he would call me … Mother. It was wonderful to have someone call me such a special name. It was an honor to be a … Mama. I truly loved my son, my only child.
There’s no one in this world left to call me Mama, now. Though I’ve coped with his death … I still find it hard to believe he’s gone.
Note by this Author:
Written, owned by me … Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee. Photo owned by me, also.
Today seems to be a day of looking in a mirror … refections of life gone by. The emotion is … bittersweet.