The Emotion is Bittersweet …


The Emotion is Bittersweet …

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

 

 

Last photo taken of Tommy … only a short time before he collapsed on the sand by the ocean.  Tommy died from 3 blockages to his heart … no one knew.  Tommy died while running, playing with his little 3 year old son.  Tommy died on May 29, 2010 … at the young age of 40.

 

 

 

Colors fill the air … I stand at the door watching colorful leaves blowing in the wind.  It’s snowing … leaves.  I love a fall day such as this.

 

I can sit, look out my window at the trees.  Orange, yellow, red, and green leaves … fall is breaking out in her finest glory.  I want to see it …

 

Leaves … a flashback to when Tommy died … a memory of being like a leaf in the wind … being blown from here to there.  Moving only when the wind blew … I was like that the night Skip took me to the funeral home.  The powerful medicine made possible for me to be there.  I wonder what it was … I can’t remember.  Doesn’t matter now.

 

The light … the light above … around Tommy as he lay in the box for everyone to come see.  On display?  I remember standing on the other side of the room … why couldn’t I be … right there … next to him?  Why was the distance of the room keeping me so far away?  I was in a trance-like state.

 

Sometimes … when I look in the mirror I can see the little scars from having had a child … a child I no longer have now.  The only child I ever had.  I still have the little scars …

 

Holidays are just around the corner once again.  Time for families to get together … time for laughter, happiness … joyous times together with one’s wonderful loved ones.  I have Skip, our Pups.  They are my whole world now.  I don’t have a child any longer.  I really miss my son.

 

I see him sometimes … in others.  I freeze when I do.  I see other young men who look so much like Tommy.  I watch as long as I can, I catch myself smiling … sometimes, I smile through tears.  I miss my son.

 

As I stand watching … I am imagining Tommy walking, moving about … talking.  I pretend for a few moments Tommy is really here.  Of course, he isn’t.  I know that.  I can’t help but, let myself see Tommy when someone looks like him.  Emotion tugs at my very Heart.

 

I know he’s gone … he can’t come back.  I can’t change a thing … I’ve coped with it all in a positive way.  I don’t cry anymore like I did.  I don’t stay depressed, in a state of grief as I once did.  I can smile thinking of Tommy … now.

 

I do miss him … I will always miss my son.  I miss his big, sunshine smile … his eyes full of laughter … his soft laugh.  I wouldn’t mind ever again him messing up my hair no matter how nice it was fixed.

 

I miss how we all joked, get so tickled we couldn’t stop laughing.  I felt honored when Tommy would laugh, really laugh at something I would say.  I am the same way about Skip.  To make Tommy laugh at something, not be able to stop laughing was wonderful.  He would make his mama laugh the same way.

 

I miss the one word he always said in a special way.  I really wish I could hear Tommy say it again.  That word always touched my very Heart.  He could say it in ways … depending on the situation … that was funny, heart-touching.  It was always special.

 

That word was … Mama.  Sometimes, when he was being funny, he would call me … Mother.  It was wonderful to have someone call me such a special name.  It was an honor to be a … Mama.  I truly loved my son, my only child.

 

There’s no one in this world left to call me Mama, now.  Though I’ve coped with his death … I still find it hard to believe he’s gone.

 

 

Note by this Author:

 

Written, owned by me … Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.  Photo owned by me, also.

 

Today seems to be a day of looking in a mirror … refections of life gone by.  The emotion is … bittersweet.

 

 

Advertisements

One thought on “The Emotion is Bittersweet …

  1. The pain is short, but the memory will last a lifetime a good friend once told me long ago.

    I never truly understood what she meant, but I do now… 😦

    Love and huge hugs my friend! 🙂

    Prenin.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s