I Wish The Sun Would Shine When It Rains…


 

 

 

 

 

I Wish The Sun Would Shine When It Rains…

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@geegranny on Twitter

 

 

 

 

Rain … something so wonderful, needed, prayed for.  I wish it would rain while the sun shines.  I love happy colors, bright lights.

I love rain but, it makes me feel sad … when I’m alone.  I’m happiest when with Skip, my husband, on a rainy day.  I’m saddest on a rainy day when I’m alone with my thoughts.

These are the times when thoughts of my Son haunt me … I feel a sensation in the pit of my stomach that’s akin to … fear.  I feel sort of … panicky.  Of course … now … I’m going to be fine.  But, it doesn’t stop grief from trying to overwhelm me from time to time.  It’s always there … just beneath the surface.

 

 

 

 

I wish the sun would shine when it rains.  You see … grief never goes away … it’s always there.  For a mother … it’s a never-ending battle until the day … she dies.  For me … happy colors, light keep the darkness away.  I’m afraid of the darkness … I’m afraid of the sad thoughts that make me cry.  I don’t want to cry.

Tommy died 5 years ago … May 29, 2010.  I’ve found an even keel now … where I can live with my grief … the loss of my only child.  I never knew that would be possible and if I hadn’t struggled, fought to get to this point … needless to say … I would have died, also.

 

 

 

 

I wouldn’t have known the difference at one time … I was the walking dead.  I wasn’t any good to anyone, anything … and I was trapped in … myself.  I couldn’t get away from my thoughts.

I had to live with … me.  My thoughts were my enemy.  I was my own enemy.  I couldn’t just walk away, leave … myself.  The knowledge of my son dying was bigger than I … I was forced to live with that knowledge.  Either live … or die … I had to face reality, cope with that knowledge or simply … lay down … die.

If you’ve never lost a child … there’s no way you can understand this.  I try to put it into words to make you feel, see as much as you can … without you losing your child.  I don’t want you to lose your child.  It makes me happy when I see you out here … with your family.  You never know it … I never fail to say a prayer to keep you, your family safe.  You don’t need to know it.

One way or the other … I had to help myself get strong.  Writing saved my life.  Skip saved my life.  Our Pups saved my life.  My online friends, followers, readers saved my life.  All I mentioned here … is … my whole life.  I treasure all.  They are … all … I have in this big, old world.

 

 

 

I had to grieve also, for the loss of my grandson, a beautiful little boy who looked, acted, talked just like his daddy.  His mother’s life didn’t include Tommy’s family … I can’t hold that against her.  I just can’t.  Nor can I hold it against my granddaughter’s mother.  Life is life … if you are going to live … you are going to have to accept things whether you want to or not.

I don’t fight things I can’t change … nor am I going to be remembered as some old, ugly bitch always creating a scene.  I grew up in it, watching it … living it.  I won’t even describe the effects it had on me as a child.  You wouldn’t believe the ugliness I saw as grandmothers became spiteful, vengeful … the awful things they did.  I won’t become that … ever.

I wish the sun would shine while it rains.  It’s so gray, gloomy … it’s hard for me to take my eyes away from the lighted screen on my computer.  I don’t want to see the darkness of the day.  I wish the sun would shine while it rains.  I can feel grief trying to creep up on me … to make me cry tears.  If I did, I would become the rain … drops flowing everywhere.

Grief … that one little word holds so much pain.  G r i e f … it hurts so bad.

I sit here with my head down … looking at my fingers on the keyboard … in my peripheal vision … darkness is around me.  I don’t want to look outside … to see the rain.  I don’t know whether to cry or … I’m not going to cry, it takes too long to pull myself together.  I can’t cry on the outside for anyone to see.  I can’t bring my sadness into the world to make others sad.  Life is hard enough.

 

 

 

 

I can come here to write my grief as I promised you several years ago … to let you see when it happens to me.  I will tell you how it feels.  I promised you I would never sugar-coat what grief feels like.  I will always keep that promise.

Remember I told you … you can slip in here like going into a quiet library to read … when you are done … you can slip back out.  You can see, feel grief without having to experience it.  Who knows, maybe my grief, sadness could somehow help you in your life.  I won’t ever know unless you tell me.  The good thing here is that … you never have to say a word … you can read, go.

I’m so happy when I’m out and about … listening for sounds of laughter, happiness.  I love to hear the sounds of … family.  It’s the most beautiful sound in the world.  I hope you don’t mind if I sit close by, close my eyes … listen, feel your happiness.  It’s like sunshine on a rainy day.  Oh God, it’s raining outside … I wish the sun would shine when it rains.

 

 

 

Note by this Author:

Well … it was bound to happen … the holidays are here once again.  Next week is Christmas … another family holiday when children come home to visit parents … families become whole.

I don’t have a child to come home anymore.  I’ve finally accepted that through the past five years.  It still really hurts me … I still grieve … the good thing is that now … I can live with my grief.

Though I am a positive person … accepted my son has died … and all those ‘good things’ … I still hurt deeply.  Especially around such times as when his birthday comes … holidays.

No anger, bitterness, hate … ugliness has ever been in my thoughts.  I am not like that.  I love, care … too much to let such dominate my life.

I know that no matter what … everything will be alright.  One never loses hope.  Even when things are wrong … they are right … in the long run we always see the whys … and understand.

I just let myself look outside … the branches emptied of bright, colorful leaves … dark against the gray sky.  My mood matches the day … gloomy, sad … I could cry but, I won’t … oh God, I wish the sun would shine when it rains.

 

 

 

 

Photos, true story both owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

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4 thoughts on “I Wish The Sun Would Shine When It Rains…

  1. Hi hun! 🙂

    Yes, grey days do make me feel down too and I’ve had to spend far too much time alone, far more than is good for me.

    Money is tight so I have to calculate exactly how much I have to spare to do necessary things, like visit the doctor, get my medication, etc.

    I have a place to go on a Monday afternoon if I can afford it, then there’s church if my meds and my sleep pattern allow it.

    I have many good friends in church and a bunch of rogues who would steal the pennies off a dead man’s eyes at the cafe, but at least I can relax for a few hours – so long as I get home before 6pm, because by then the teenagers are out causing trouble! 😦

    I came close to getting stabbed a few years back (I still have the knife) so my anxieties have firm roots – just don’t get me started on when I was held at gunpoint and, despite the gunman being so distinctive, the Police STILL couldn’t find him! 😦

    Now another Christmas is coming and I’ll be spending it with Pat, Rachel and Peter.

    The fear that it will be another set-up is strong, but they’re the only family I have left.

    You have far more than I have Gloria and a husband who is salt of the Earth! 🙂

    Love and huge sqishy hugs! 🙂

    Prenin.

  2. Pingback: Damn Rainbow! | GRANNY'S COLORFUL

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