By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@geegranny on Twitter
These are the times when thoughts of my Son haunt me … I feel a sensation in the pit of my stomach that’s akin to … fear. I feel sort of … panicky. Of course … now … I’m going to be fine. But, it doesn’t stop grief from trying to overwhelm me from time to time. It’s always there … just beneath the surface.
I wish the sun would shine when it rains. You see … grief never goes away … it’s always there. For a mother … it’s a never-ending battle until the day … she dies. For me … happy colors, light keep the darkness away. I’m afraid of the darkness … I’m afraid of the sad thoughts that make me cry. I don’t want to cry.
Tommy died 5 years ago … May 29, 2010. I’ve found an even keel now … where I can live with my grief … the loss of my only child. I never knew that would be possible and if I hadn’t struggled, fought to get to this point … needless to say … I would have died, also.
I wouldn’t have known the difference at one time … I was the walking dead. I wasn’t any good to anyone, anything … and I was trapped in … myself. I couldn’t get away from my thoughts.
I had to live with … me. My thoughts were my enemy. I was my own enemy. I couldn’t just walk away, leave … myself. The knowledge of my son dying was bigger than I … I was forced to live with that knowledge. Either live … or die … I had to face reality, cope with that knowledge or simply … lay down … die.
If you’ve never lost a child … there’s no way you can understand this. I try to put it into words to make you feel, see as much as you can … without you losing your child. I don’t want you to lose your child. It makes me happy when I see you out here … with your family. You never know it … I never fail to say a prayer to keep you, your family safe. You don’t need to know it.
One way or the other … I had to help myself get strong. Writing saved my life. Skip saved my life. Our Pups saved my life. My online friends, followers, readers saved my life. All I mentioned here … is … my whole life. I treasure all. They are … all … I have in this big, old world.
I had to grieve also, for the loss of my grandson, a beautiful little boy who looked, acted, talked just like his daddy. His mother’s life didn’t include Tommy’s family … I can’t hold that against her. I just can’t. Nor can I hold it against my granddaughter’s mother. Life is life … if you are going to live … you are going to have to accept things whether you want to or not.
I don’t fight things I can’t change … nor am I going to be remembered as some old, ugly bitch always creating a scene. I grew up in it, watching it … living it. I won’t even describe the effects it had on me as a child. You wouldn’t believe the ugliness I saw as grandmothers became spiteful, vengeful … the awful things they did. I won’t become that … ever.
I wish the sun would shine while it rains. It’s so gray, gloomy … it’s hard for me to take my eyes away from the lighted screen on my computer. I don’t want to see the darkness of the day. I wish the sun would shine while it rains. I can feel grief trying to creep up on me … to make me cry tears. If I did, I would become the rain … drops flowing everywhere.
Grief … that one little word holds so much pain. G r i e f … it hurts so bad.
I sit here with my head down … looking at my fingers on the keyboard … in my peripheal vision … darkness is around me. I don’t want to look outside … to see the rain. I don’t know whether to cry or … I’m not going to cry, it takes too long to pull myself together. I can’t cry on the outside for anyone to see. I can’t bring my sadness into the world to make others sad. Life is hard enough.
I can come here to write my grief as I promised you several years ago … to let you see when it happens to me. I will tell you how it feels. I promised you I would never sugar-coat what grief feels like. I will always keep that promise.
Remember I told you … you can slip in here like going into a quiet library to read … when you are done … you can slip back out. You can see, feel grief without having to experience it. Who knows, maybe my grief, sadness could somehow help you in your life. I won’t ever know unless you tell me. The good thing here is that … you never have to say a word … you can read, go.
I’m so happy when I’m out and about … listening for sounds of laughter, happiness. I love to hear the sounds of … family. It’s the most beautiful sound in the world. I hope you don’t mind if I sit close by, close my eyes … listen, feel your happiness. It’s like sunshine on a rainy day. Oh God, it’s raining outside … I wish the sun would shine when it rains.
Note by this Author:
Well … it was bound to happen … the holidays are here once again. Next week is Christmas … another family holiday when children come home to visit parents … families become whole.
I don’t have a child to come home anymore. I’ve finally accepted that through the past five years. It still really hurts me … I still grieve … the good thing is that now … I can live with my grief.
Though I am a positive person … accepted my son has died … and all those ‘good things’ … I still hurt deeply. Especially around such times as when his birthday comes … holidays.
No anger, bitterness, hate … ugliness has ever been in my thoughts. I am not like that. I love, care … too much to let such dominate my life.
I know that no matter what … everything will be alright. One never loses hope. Even when things are wrong … they are right … in the long run we always see the whys … and understand.
I just let myself look outside … the branches emptied of bright, colorful leaves … dark against the gray sky. My mood matches the day … gloomy, sad … I could cry but, I won’t … oh God, I wish the sun would shine when it rains.
Photos, true story both owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.