I Haven’t Forgotten How It Feels To Be a Mother …


 

 

I Haven’t Forgotten How It Feels To Be a Mother

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

 

 

My Son, Tommy and I … I was so proud of him.  He was my only child whom I loved with my very Heart.  I’m fortunate to have my photos of him … and all the others.  They survived a house fire … in a big suitcase soaked with water from the firemen’s hoses.  I treasure them.  A lot of photos … I put in a rose box … gave them to my grandson’s mother for him one day … when Tommy died.  If something happened … I wanted him to have them.

 

 

 

Well … yesterday was a big surprise to me.  I got up not knowing that it was going to be a day of grief for me.  It was exactly what it was.  I began to grieve for my Son, Tommy.  It’ll soon be Christmas … he won’t be coming home.

 

I still haven’t forgotten how it feels to have … my son and his family … come home on holidays.  I haven’t forgotten the warm feeling of love … happiness whenever my son came home.  I can’t forget that just as one can’t forget how it feels to come in from the cold … stand in front of the fireplace.  Safe, cozy, warm … happy … everything is going to be all right.  My world changed when my son died.

 

I learned to accept that every holiday Tommy won’t be coming home ever again.  I accept I’m going to always see him in my memories … and I want to.  I can’t forget having my own child for forty years.  My only child.

 

Visions play in my mind like videos … I can see Tommy smiling as he opened presents from us.  I can feel his hug and hear his soft voice say, “I love you, Mama.”  Or when eating special holiday foods … ‘That’s good, Mama!”

 

Yesterday morning the pouring down rain triggered this bout of grief … and looking outside at the gloomy day.  Skip had just left for several days … so, it was just me and The Pups.  Grief settled on me like a soft blanket of darkness.  I just couldn’t shake it off.

 

I felt the same old sensation of trapped birds in a bird cage … wings beating against the bars … wanting desperately to get out, fly away.  This is something that has happened many times since Tommy died.

 

I become afraid … I have to be careful when thinking too much … death … my child … gone forever.  I begin to become panicky … I have to help myself be all right.  I do it by writing … I have no other outlet … I sure don’t discuss it with anyone by talking about it.  I can only write about it.

 

I couldn’t get away from myself.  So, all yesterday I coped with it by writing … and I even went to bed to sleep myself away from it.

 

When I feel grief … I feel like Death is close by.  Really, if one thinks about it … it is.  Why do you grieve?  In my case, I grieve over all my many, many loved ones who are gone (most, prematurely) … and my Son.  Death.  Grief … Death.

 

If you knew the circumstances of each death … and the people I loved with my very Heart … you would understand why I grieve.

 

Nothing is normal … everyday like probably in … your world.  I grieve because of … how … my loved ones died.  I don’t talk about them … that pain remains inside me.  It hurts more than my words can say.  My son’s death hurts much more than I can possibly say.

 

No matter how much I write the pain … it’s always there.  I can’t write it away.  It hurts but, I’m all right.  I just don’t run from thinking about it …

 

Do you think I sound morbid?  I promise you I’m not at all.  It’s just how I think about things.  I face things head-on.  I face reality … I don’t stick my head into the ground.

 

I should be a mean, cold, bitter, angry ‘old’ woman.  I am completely the opposite.  I am a most positive person … I still believe in good … I know no matter what … no matter how bad … things do get better.  They do get all right.

 

Grief is ugly … as ugly emotion as you’ll ever feel.  There’s nothing pretty about grief.  Your face reflects such pain … your eyes deepen with that pain.  Do you ever look into people’s eyes?  Do you see the difference in people who have been through a lot … almost dying, losing a loved one, suffered a trauma?

 

If you really take a moment to really see … you can tell the difference … people who go through bad things … recognize it in another when they meet them.  Their eyes tell it all.

 

In fact, if the shock, trauma has been recent … you’ll see deep emotion … their eyes will instantly tear up if talking about what happened in their life.  I recognize it all the time.  I know what it feels like to suffer many things the average person hasn’t.

 

I’ve walked many journeys in my life … no two alike.  Many … bad … things.  I’ve felt that emotion all the way to my very soul after I almost died several times in my life.

 

I’ve felt how thankful I was to still be living … after surviving cancer, congestive heart failure, and several other things.  I couldn’t talk about them … I would instantly choke up … tears filling my eyes.  Powerful emotion would fill my Heart.

 

I will say this … you have to help yourself when you come through bad things … you have to get your ass up off the ground, ‘dust them britches’ off … meet life head-on again.  There are no ‘ifs … ands’ … you either do it … or lay there.  Don’t you ever, ever give up.  Oh … this is so much easier than said.

 

I know things get really bad enough to want to die, sometimes … I know that very well.  As soon as you are aware of that … open your eyes full of tears, your Heart filled with such pain … fight like Hell … bring yourself out of it.  Sure, you’ll fall back into darkness … so many times I did, I couldn’t see my way out … don’t give up.

 

You just have to keep taking baby steps.  Who am I to preach … I failed miserably for the first 3 years and even into last year … and at times this year (the 5th year) when Tommy died.  The good thing is now … I can look back … oh my … I have come so far.  When I thought I had given up … something happened to bring me back.  Even I am amazed I have ‘come back’ from losing my only child.

 

You know I have kept my promise to write about grief when it happens just exactly as it happens … I think sometimes, my new readers don’t know that, become alarmed … and want me to be all right.  I would like to tell them that this is what I write about … grief, pain in my life.

It doesn’t mean I’m some poor soul lost out in the darkness floundering around.  I’m on stable ground … I have coped with my grief.  It’s at times, grief comes back … unexpectedly.  I write about that just as I promised.  I always will write about grief, pain.  It is what I know best in my life.  Grief never goes away.

 

If you notice … I’ve lost over twenty family members I loved with my very Heart … but, I write about my son, my only child all the time.  I haven’t even written at all about all the grief in my Heart … because my own flesh and blood … my own child … died.

 

Losing my only child … is worse than anything I know or have ever experienced.  The grief is so much … that was all I could think about when I lost him.

 

To my new friends, readers, followers … just know I am fine.  This is what I write about, share with everyone.  If grief, pain … death upsets you … you might not want to read what I write.  When I write … I face up to the same fears you may have … I meet them head-on.  You may not want to do that … I understand.  It’s scary … sometimes, too scary … uncomfortable.

 

I study them in my mind … find different ways to think about things.  I’m always looking for something to learn to understand ‘the whys?’ … in my Life.

I will write forever because I can’t write the grief away.  I can try, and I can share what I experience … what I try to learn through time.  Maybe it could help someone … maybe not.

 

Maybe my words can connect with others who might need them.  I’ll never know unless someone tells me.  At least … if you are interested in real life, real thoughts … feelings … you can be entertained.  I do share good, funny, happy things … also.  I try to find good in everything … even if it’s bad … and … impossible.

 

Yes, I’m afraid … I cry … I fall down … I get right back up no matter how bad it hurts, or how scared I am.  I will until the day I … die.  If you’ve read me long enough to know about my Grandma Alma … you will see I have my Grandma Alma’s fighting spirit.

 

I have a Gloria Fighting Spirit …  and though I do … I still haven’t forgotten how it feels to be a mother.

 

 

 

Note by this Author:

 

Story/Photos both owned, written by me … Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.  All I have written are true thoughts, feelings that I think … have.

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