I Need a Direction to go in … Is there a Map to Where I Need to Go?

I Need a Direction to go in … Is there a Map to Where I Need to Go?

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

 

 

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

Skip and I am on a new path in life … like a train switching tracks to go in another direction.  Only … there’s no information, manual to tell us which direction to go … at the moment it wouldn’t do any good … our tracks have switched and we are traveling ahead … to where … I don’t know.

 

 

We are almost out of control … racing ahead to … where?  At the moment I am telling Skip that we will take one day at a time … cross each hurdle as we come to it, everything is going to be alright.  He listens … and wonders … how are we going to live in the meantime?  I become quiet … I don’t know what to say.  I’ve never … been here … on this road before.

 

 

We are listening, grasping at any, all information we are getting to make eventually make decisions as to what to do … but, there’s a lot that we have to figure out.  We have no idea … which way to go … yet.  We will find it … one way or other.

 

 

Our whole life as we know it … has changed.  Why am I writing about it?  Because … I know other people have gone through this before us … and I’ve not seen how any of them went on to survive … getting older, having to go somewhere to ask for help … medical conditions … just what in the world to do.

 

 

I remember when working in the hospital … with patients.  We were told that not only are patients very sick when in the hospital … no one knows the fear, stress they are going through because … of no income to pay bills, to live … they are afraid of what is going to happen to them.  The fear of not knowing.

 

 

I remember caring so much … as I listened to the very things … that we are faced with now.  Isn’t it amazing?  We’ve become … ‘old’ … have many health conditions … and no income.

 

 

Now … I know what ‘they’ meant … I am yet again learning about things in life that I didn’t know personally … I’m on another road.  I had just gotten back on my old, familiar road at the end of December when I was told my knee cap, and fibula had healed beautifully.  My old, familiar road ended on Friday, January 8, 2016.  This new road is scary …

 

 

I am spinning in a circle at the moment.  Skip is in the hospital facing something new.  You can’t believe the stress, yes … even fear of knowing that to live … you have to make decisions to do something you are afraid to do … the unknown.

 

 

We are facing many unknowns at the moment.  What does one do?  Where do they go? Who cares?  Who to talk to?  Is there a manual that exists somewhere on what to do when you can’t retire as you once hoped to … and you are completely out of resources?

 

 

We have lost everything several times in our life due to when we both battled cancer … and I won’t even go into everything that’s happened.  I won’t waste time as it can’t help ‘now’ writing about all of those things.  So now … when ‘older’ … we don’t have those valuable resources we were told to have as young people for when aging … getting ‘old’.

 

 

At this moment … I tell young people to put more up for when getting ‘old’ so, you’ll have something to fall back on.  I know it’s almost impossible to do that … life can take it all at an instance. Just be aware, have a plan as you grow older … have a direction.

 

 

Don’t think you are so young you have … forever … before doing anything.  You don’t.  If you make that mistake … my words will come to mind.  Life goes fast … why we got ‘old’ before we knew it.  It felt strange to hear someone call us the ‘older couple’.  What felt ‘bad’ at first … was a cashier to automatically begin giving us … senior discounts!  That was a sign to us that we are ‘old’.

 

 

You have no idea of what one goes through to accept becoming a senior citizen … losing one’s looks, seeing the changes when aging. People age in different ways.  They grieve for the loss of their youth.

 

 

I was one who grieved in a deep way for my youth … I lost it during the time I grieved for the loss of my child.  When I began to see myself in the mirror … I didn’t recognize the woman looking back at me.  I couldn’t look again for long periods of time … I couldn’t take it.  I had lost my only child … and I had lost … myself.

 

 

We owe so many medical bills it’s pathetic … they won’t ever get paid.  We are people who have tried not to take from others … not ask for help … go without and not let others know.  We have always been ‘givers’ even when at lots of times we didn’t ‘have it’ to give.  I mean … who are we to ask someone for help … we aren’t anything to anyone.

 

 

I am voicing some of what is going through my mind as I am sitting here thinking.  I am not asking anyone for anything … or asking for sympathy.  I am sitting here … wondering … what in the world do I do … now?

 

 

How can I help us in a positive, good way?  Are there maps to where I need to go … directions to know which roads to turn on to take instead of going in a circle forever … not getting anywhere, wasting valuable time?

 

 

Are there maps to where I need to go?  If it were only me … I would spin on out of control and just let go.  It isn’t just me … I need to find answers quickly as possible.  I need a direction to go in.

 

 

Note by this Author:

 

 

True thoughts on my mind this morning as I wait.  I don’t know any answers to my questions … that means I don’t know what to do … yet.

 

 

Photo/story owned, written by me … Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.