By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter.
Learning to … let go … in life is hard to do. Sometimes, there comes times when one has to accept some things can’t change, has to be. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.
Gloria Faye Brown Bates as a little girl ……………………..
I will write MY LIFE, MY STORIES anytime, anywhere … any way I want to write them.
If you happened to be in them when I was very young … and YOU affected my life … I will write it. I won’t ever call names … I respect privacy.
You write what you want to about YOUR FAMILY in the way you remember, know … that’s your choice … that is what you know you remember, experienced in your young life.
I will write the things that happened to me as a child … and if it offends any … remaining family that happens to be related to me … and I will add … that I never grew up with to know at all … you will have to cope with it. My life is NOT about you … my life is about myself and the ones who touched it, shaping it with their hands, their actions.
As for ‘writing material’ … MY WHOLE LIFE … IS my writing material. Anything that touched, affected MY LIFE is mine to write about. I don’t write to hurt others … but, if you take it personally … you choose to do that. The people that existed when I was a child … don’t exist today. The children have grown up to be someone else …. people I don’t know … people I’ll never know … strangers.
If I really wrote about ‘some things’ that happened … you’d be shocked. If I wrote names of the ones who inflicted things on me as a child … it would be some of my … family’s fathers, uncles. I don’t name names because for years I’ve never told anyone … and I don’t have even one reason to name them. Their actions shaped me, made me very strong. It no longer matters … who … done what. What matters is … how it made me become as a whole person.
Did I grow up to forgive? Oh yes, I forgave many years ago. I don’t know how I grew up to be a positive, forgiving person who has compassion, cares with my very Heart … God knows all that was inflicted on me as a child was just the right formula … to make me be the most negative person in this world.
Was I an angry child, person growing up … oh, Hell yes! My anger was hotter than Hell I grew up in. Over time … when I say that … over many, many years … the anger faded into the background. Did it go completely away?
NO. I can still become very angry … at the unfairness in this big, old world … at the awful things that happen to people over this big-ass world. I am for the under-dog … I become angry at anyone who hurts, mistreats handicap people, homeless people, and children, and animals.
I would have a very horrible punishment for people … ‘if’ it were up to me to mete out the punishment for people hurting the ones I just mentioned. People would be afraid to mistreat, hurt someone … my punishment would be swift, no questions asked. So, it’s a good thing I don’t have that power.
Getting back to ‘family’ … I have no family left that I even know. I never grew up with the ones who are … related. If it upsets you that I can’t bond with you … I really am sorry. I truly am. I just can’t … I have tried, and I’m so sensitive to people … all it takes is one little word, action … and I ‘let go’ in an instant. It’s impossible for me to ‘bond with you’ … I’ve tried … can’t … won’t ever try again. It’s all gone … it will never be. I send you love, please go your way … I don’t want you in my life.
I have one more thing to say … concerning a letter I received yesterday. When it is thought that I would cause someone in your family not to want anything else to do with you … you assumed I caused that. Not so. Assuming I would do something like that … thinking I would play that ‘old family game’ I grew up in … is like slapping me in the face. I would never do that. If it happened, you did something I don’t know about. So, no … I have nothing to do with anything that affects your life … except … me.
I keep my ass out of it. I don’t want to waste time ‘being family’ anymore … it isn’t going to work … we don’t have anything in common … anything to create a solid bond. We are toxic to each other … our whole family was like that growing up. I don’t want it in my life. Life is very hard for me … I don’t need you adding to it.
Go your way peacefully, forget me. I don’t choose to let anyone in my life because … I don’t need anymore negative to fight. I’ve tried to tell you … the one who keeps on and on … in the nicest of words, the nicest of ways … please leave me alone.
Please go on with your life … all these years we’ve not communicated, gotten to know each other …. we can’t possibly connect … at this time in my life. I will always remember, love the child I remember you were … only with a difference since knowing you caused the accident that hurt me. I still love that child … but, through time I never got to know you.
Another thing … you said all I wanted was to having writing material having to do with you. Don’t be vain … my life’s story isn’t about you … you only affected it in a couple of ways when I was a child, and a teenager. If you affected my life in good or bad ways … I AM going to write it … but, no one will ever know it was you, except … you.
If you take it personally … I’m so sorry because, it might not be … about you … if it is … it’s about a child in my childhood days … a different person than you are today. No one won’t recognize you … no one knows you … if you feel you are the one it’s about … then, it must be you … and only if you tell it, yourself … no one will ever know it was … you.
Just simply quit reading my life … simply live only your life. Quit trying to begin a war … I choose my battles, this isn’t one of them. I won this one many years ago … I survived, I grew up … and now, I’m fearless, strong. I AM NOT going to fight it again. I’m just not, and that’s just the way it is. In fact, I am not going to give it anymore words than I’ve given as I write here today.
I don’t want to see anyone when anyone comes to North Carolina. I don’t … even I can’t explain exactly ‘why?’ I just … can’t. I won’t force myself. You don’t know me at all … I don’t know you at all. I feel no connection.
I’m no one to you, and you are strangers to me that I wish the best for. I have no hard feelings toward anyone, and being open, honest … probably has created hard feelings toward me … I’m a big girl, I can handle that. Sometimes … life has to be like that. Just say I’m the one who turned their back … on family I never had, nor knew. I don’t know you … I just don’t know you.
You are family I don’t know, and when I see the same things I grew up in … I don’t want to know, be a part of. Simple as that. Please leave me alone. The family I knew … even if they weren’t perfect at all (I’m damn-sure not perfect) … were the ones who were my foundation … family I knew … they have all died, leaving me alone with no family.
If you think I caused someone to turn against you … you are so wrong. If I can’t help you, I would sure not hurt you. I am not like the … family … I grew up in. I don’t blackmail … turn others against others … cause grief, or try to destroy the other family member. I don’t work in an underhand fashion trying to destroy you … while pretending to love, not understand ‘why’ someone doesn’t like you. Go play your games in the family you know … I’m just as much a stranger as anyone you’ll meet out here on the street.
God knows with all going on in my life … I don’t have the time, mind, or energy to go about … hurting others. That’s not ‘me’. You knew that, though you said what you did. You thought it would make me write back a big-ass letter … I do my writing here. I’m not getting into ugliness like when I grew up … your letter was a bait to get me into mud-slinging, accusations, just pure ugliness. I will not bite it … I don’t feel that way at all.
In fact, I don’t feel any way about all of it … I’m sorry to say … that’s exactly what I expected from you. I knew you couldn’t graciously stay in your own life without ugliness first. I’m not going to be ugly to you BUT, I will say what I truly feel for the last time … here. Please leave me alone, please go back to your own life … you are crossing a line here … and I can’t allow it … I won’t. So, it’s best to forget I am even remotely related to you … I’m a stranger.
I will go on writing my life … the people who are alive today from that time … aren’t the same people. Your life is yours. I can’t live yours, you can’t live mine. You were only in my life for a very short period of time when I was little … you aren’t the ones who did the ‘bad’ things to me. Only one person did cause a bad thing to me … I would have never known if they hadn’t told me a couple years ago.
I don’t hold that against you … our families taught us to be like that when we hated, disliked, became jealous of someone else. In your mind, a little 5-6 old girl ‘got what she deserved’. This is in reference to when I was pushed into a ditch in a wagon … the wagon turned over, I was thrown out on top of a broken, gallon, glass jar.
We were taught to be ugly … you just did what you had learned … probably never felt remorse, sadness for causing an awful accident to happen to another little girl. I still hear your laughter in my mind as you told me you were the one who caused it. I turned against you at that very moment … I ‘knew’ it wasn’t possible to ever have a connection with you. You laughed each time I asked you about doing such a thing … you seemed proud. I was like … ‘oh my, wow!’
It cut my leg very badly … I remember wearing a big cast, and my step-father carrying me in his arms. I never knew I’d made another female cousin not like me … be jealous of my boy cousin (the one who was told to push me in the ditch). I was just a little, innocent girl.
I carry that big scar today on the back of my right leg. Just think how bad the cut on my leg was as a little girl … all because of you being jealous. I didn’t know the meaning of the word … jealous. How did you … you weren’t much older than I? I don’t hold it against you. It’s no longer important, the damage is done.
When this person told me … I was in like shock for a short time that someone would want to hurt me so bad … and for that someone to be a little child, also … when it happened. I got over the shock, and I forgave. I have to say that periodically … I did, do think about that. I’m pure amazed. That tells me to never-ever let that person into my life. Also, the words that you wrote, written each time … I don’t want to let you, anyone in my life … they are alarms, also. My doors are closed.
The thing is that I know this one person I’ve made reference to … is a good person in her own life … I can’t see how it could be a ‘good thing’ in … my life. I could keep adding other reasons, but … I won’t. It all comes back to … I just don’t know you all at all. I only know things that helped to make my mind up … just like with deciding to be ‘friends’ with any stranger out here. This isn’t meant to be an insult at all.
I am sorry I have to write this. I’m not writing a personal letter … those days are gone. The letter I received is in the trash can … I don’t play ‘family games’… nor do I play accusations that aren’t true.
As for brothers I have in this world … they’ve never responded when I tried to connect … those days are gone. We’ll never know each other in our older life anymore than we did in our whole life … which means we never knew each other. I don’t appreciate your comments on my brothers … see, you never knew, or grew up with them either.
We were all split up as children. I have 2 half brothers, 1 half sister … I don’t know them. There’s a natural ‘love/hate’ thing there, only made worst by the one person who caused my accident as a child. I already know how you have meddled in saying things about me to them. I don’t know them anymore … than I know you.
It came to me that you are exactly like an aunt I had … with all the meanness she had inside her, the poison … jealousy, anger. The spite and the ‘I’m going to get your ass back if you don’t do as I want you to’. Doesn’t work with me … I’m not afraid. Anything you want to do, say … I’m ready to tell my faults, first. It’ll just be more … writing material for me.
You aren’t a nice person … I know more than you knew that I did. You are like our ‘family’ who constantly operated like this … to isolate others from being loved, cared about. It’s you only, who wants to be looked up to, loved and cared about. I’ll leave all that to you … I’ll never compete for anyone’s love … never.
I love myself, my world. If I’m ever alone with myself one day … I’ll have myself … whom I can live with, be happy with. I’m not going to hurt others … to be ‘king/queen of the mountain’ … at the expense of hurting others to be … important, self-important.
(Playing king/queen of the mountain is in reference to a game we played as children … the children were ruthless in knocking others down the ‘mountain’. Only I couldn’t hurt the others like that … we were just little children). I was hurt a lot of times.
I know I’m not perfect. I won’t steal love, caring from others … I couldn’t live with myself doing that. Sometimes, they need love, caring … too.
Over time I’ve studied ‘you’ (the one who caused me to be hurt as a child) … the things said about you, the things you’ve done, said to others … all of these things fell into place. No, there’s no chance of ever trusting you. I just have to always love you, let go.
I have one brother who died … he and I were close, I loved him with my very Heart. He was my half-brother … but, we never noticed the ‘half’. I’ve said this many times … all the very people whom I truly loved, felt a connection to … have died. Rick-Rick was MY Brother … he loved me unconditionally … just as I loved him. Rick-Rick died … my only real brother died.
He and I never played games … we truly saw, knew each other’s Heart. I WAS his sister … we trusted the other not to hurt the other, and was always there for the other. That’s how sisters, brothers are … never choosing to take offense at every little thing, going on to live knowing you have a sibling who truly loves you … for you. You never had to fear that the other was going to turn against you … never. I never thought of such … neither did he. We were … real.
It’s strange … the very people who were most important at one time or other … in my life, died. I never knew anyone else … excepting as a small child. My family died out … if anyone takes that in a personal way … it’s just an excuse to get angry at someone … me. I don’t have any family left. If you want to do that … I’m sorry you are punishing yourself, wasting your time on angry, bad thoughts when you don’t have to. You were never a part of my life … it doesn’t mean I hate you … or thought you turned your back on me … our lives put us in other states many miles from the other. Our lives went on … that didn’t include ‘us’.
I don’t feel that way about you. I only wish good things for you as you go your way, live your life … please leave my life alone. I am not going to play games, argue back, forwards. I’m just simply not.
Now … I need to invent a game called ‘Family Games’ … I promise it would be very interesting if based on my life.
As for writing material … I will write about what I want to. As for writing about the person who sent me the letter … I want you to read this, understand that I don’t hate you at all. I don’t mean anything ‘bad’ when I say I don’t want you in my life … I don’t disrespect you … I don’t choose to ‘war’ with you and I definitely will not do that … you won’t win. I am already the winner … this war was fought long ago … I’m still here. Oh, I survived the accident, too.
You only played a small role in my life when I was the little girl who was dumped out of the wagon … onto the broken glass, gallon jar. That was one of the first most painful memories in my life. You caused that … I didn’t know that until I was an older adult. I don’t hate you for that. Doesn’t matter … the memory happened … I wrote about it. If it gets on my mind again … I will write about it as I ‘turn it around’ in my mind to study it.
As for my jewelry … I never thought you wanted my jewelry. I don’t know where that came from. I understand you were complimenting it … thank you. Each piece has a special, heart-touching story behind it, and I treasure each one. Thank you very much for liking it.
I didn’t understand when you made a comment about my ring … that it was a compliment with the words you used … I still don’t understand … but, I believe you when you said it was a compliment … I have no other reason to believe otherwise. Also, it’s not important. I don’t try to find fault with you, the things you say. I’m not perfect at all … I made a mistake in misinterpreting your meaning. I can only apologize, sincerely.
I received a letter from you … the contents stayed on my mind last night when I went to bed. I gently placed that letter into the trash can, knowing I would never answer it with a written letter.
Sometimes, we instinctively know when something is a waste of time. All we can do is to completely ‘let go’ for good when we see … nothing can cement a bond with anyone we don’t have a connection with. It’s all gone. Sad, but true. There would never be a trust of each to know one wouldn’t hurt the other … no matter they wouldn’t … but, we wouldn’t know that.
I don’t want to get to know anyone at this late day, time of my life that is related to me. There aren’t any true connections … neither of us can help that … it just is naturally so. Sadly, when it’s been tried … it gets off to a wonderful beginning … only to end in a not good way. I’m just not going to get in that position ever again. Maybe it’s my fault … I might not know how to connect with people … especially when I sense they aren’t completely sincere. I’ll take the blame … though, no one has to. It doesn’t matter. It’s just another thing about me … I can’t trust easily, especially if I ‘sense something’ not good about someone.
If that makes me a bad person, even knowing I’m a good person … then, so be it. I’ll have to be a ‘bad-good person’. When I choose a war … it will be for a good reason. I won’t choose useless, empty wars from long ago. I choose my battles … I won this war many years ago … I survived, I grew up.
I have to live in reality … I can’t live in the past. Reality is too real for me to waste time on things in the past. I can’t do both … I don’t choose to.
I can only apologize in all sincerity that it is … me, myself, I … that can’t form a ‘family bond’ … it’s me. I can’t form bonds that were never there to begin with … I can’t form bonds on memories as much as I wish I could. It takes two people to fully connect, want it as much as the other, never looking back … only going forward. I’m only one … sadly, I don’t want to do it anymore.
I’m at fault here … too much water has passed under the dam … it’s gone so far away now … I can’t go find any of it. Life today keeps me anchored right … here. I’m just so sorry because I admire families who love each other, who are close-knit.
God knows I’ve wished for that all my life. I’ve accepted I don’t, won’t have family … I’m okay with it. It seems it bothers others … when it shouldn’t. All these many years I was no one to them … I only thought of them once in a while … that was the extent of being related. We were in no way ever a part of each other’s life than I’ve been a part of a stranger’s life. It just never was.
I don’t understand why? it causes anger, accusations … mean words when I’m staying in my life … on my side of the line … when you are clearing crossing the line coming out of your life … to touch mine.
I’ve told you … I don’t want contact … I don’t want you to be in my life … I don’t want to be in yours. Doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing at all. It’s pure respect, love, caring … not wanting to ever be in a position to cause pain … because that’s surely to happen in anyone who is ‘family … our family’ … no one stays close, loyal very long.
Nothing is permanent … it never lasts. I choose to never begin such a relationship … I’ve tested the waters … those damned piranhas bit my feet every damn time! I’m tired of … hurting, bleeding. Now, that my feet have healed … I’ve learned my lesson … be damned if I’ll ever let another piranha, nor a black widow spider … bite my ass, or feet again. I’ll say it again ….
I choose my battles … I won this war many years ago … I survived, grew up.
Note by this Author:
This is written to one person in particular … who will recognize all I’ve wrote. I mean it in the nicest way … for them to go on with their life … it can’t be. It CAN NOT be. We are too old now, to waste anymore time … focus on your big family … love, pull them close to you. You are so fortunate to have so many to love you.
I will focus on my husband, 2 Pups … they are all I have in this world. I treasure them … and will protect, care for them. I don’t need to bring grief, strife into my life … I don’t have time to fight wars that are just a waste of time … I don’t feel the need to hurt others … or have them inflict pain on me, in my life.
Stay out of my life … don’t write mean letters … it won’t change a thing. The letter you wrote, I received two days ago … caused me to do a lot of deep thinking … hence … you see above is what I sincerely think.
I understand where you are coming from … thank you for telling me the things you did … I can see how you would think some of them. How else could you think since … you don’t know me? I respect that … I am guilty of thinking things about people I don’t know …. won’t ever know unless … having a real chance of knowing them. I mean … what else would you think?
Some of the things only hurt because when as little children, we were close only for a short several years of our life. I cried over you when you also … were jerked out of my life when all of us children lived in Hell at Grandma Alma’s and George’s.
I never saw you again, excepting the one time when Grandma Alma died. I didn’t know you, then …. and never made a connection … bond to you.
I don’t understand ‘now’ when we are old, gray … what the difference is. Let go now … just let go. I love you, I will love you always.
Photo/true story written, owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter.