Last Night When I Wrote What I Did … I Was In Such Turmoil


9ac3e-my2bphotos2b4-10-20132b035

 

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

 

 

Last night when I wrote what I did … I was in such turmoil. We were expecting a good visit … after Skip’s surgery. It wasn’t good at all.

That means more trips to Raleigh to the doctors, his and mine at the same time. We have been having 2-3 appointments lately in the same day … to save on buying gas for a 80 mile trip each time. I have to have surgery later this month. Co-pays … food … gas … bills … we had been barely making it, but … we were doing it without having to ask for help … and now, we have more on us.

The worst thing is … Skip is in danger of kidney failure. I can’t go into all he is going through at this very time. For now, our life is scary … I could lose Skip … I have realized this 3 times just lately … can you imagine losing the very person in your world … you love with your Heart … and he is the only person in the world you have? Skip isn’t out of danger. I still see the expression on the urologist/surgeon’s face … and hear his words in my mind. I’m afraid. I’m sick with worry.
I saw the tires when we came out of the office … I heard Skip worrying over he needed to get the oil changed ( he doesn’t need to worry … he is in a serious medical crisis at this moment) … my mind began crying out … I kept asking myself … what am I going to do? Really, what am I going to do? I was thinking how crazy it is to think such things when Skip … is in a bad way. His life is more important.

For those who thought I was asking for money to help me on my Facebook Page … understand that I would never-ever do that … I can’t just go ask people for their money … knowing I can’t pay it back. I was talking to the only place I have to come to talk … it’s on my page.

No one has to comment or even let me know they read it … especially thinking I’m asking them for money. This is my page to …. talk. I have no one … no where else to go. I’d rather no one said anything than to think I was asking them. When you do … I really pay attention to why you would think I was asking you … knowing I’m not close enough to anyone to ask …. for money. It hurts me when I read you can’t offer me anything when … I didn’t ask. Please don’t say anything like that … just know I’m not asking … ‘you’. I would never do that.

I would take the suggestion of a GoFund Me Page …. knowing I would take the chance of being rejected by everyone … because so many people use GoFund Me in the wrong way … there are always scams … people begging for money for all kinds of things. I would risk no one hearing my cry for help if I had to ask. I would know all these things … before … I did it. I would be expecting nothing … who am I? I would just be praying people who didn’t know me would recognize I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t need help … through my words.

My pride is quickly disappearing … and I’m not going to let someone make me feel bad for not having anyone … any family … to go to for help. If I didn’t have Skip and our Pups … I wouldn’t ask at all …. I would take care of my needs … I would end them. I’m the only one they have to depend on … no pride left here. It’s gone … it just got gone.

Think of yourself as a woman … no one else in the world you can turn to. The few people who have been so good to you … you can’t take from them again … you just can’t keep taking …. you can’t imagine the pain of taking money from someone knowing you have no choice … because it means the world. You have no way of paying it back … all these feelings inside your mind ….

Imagine letting people know your situation … when you have always been so private, so independent. Imagine being a woman who never had to take care of everything … make all the decisions … and one day her husband nearly dies 3 times in 4 months … and still isn’t out of danger. Being a person whose family has died … very few friends … who never-ever had to ask anyone for anything …

I’m being everything .. I wasn’t .. before. So, if you see a GoFund Me Page in the future (I pray it won’t come to that) … just understand why … don’t think I’m asking any of my Facebook Friends for money … I understand well you have your own lives to take care of. Just don’t even comment at all … to save some of the pride I have left.

Sometimes, it’s better not to say anything at all. The ones who really cared, cares … I recognized/recognize that. I thank you for caring. I love you for it.

This is my place to come to … if you happen to read, it doesn’t mean you have to comment at all. Just quietly go your way.

Also, if you are a real friend I want you to stay here … if not, please remove yourself from my Facebook Friends.

Don’t stay here to enjoy seeing me go through another rough time in my life .. I know who some of you are. I don’t need that. In fact, to save you the trouble of removing yourselves … I will be doing that all along now.

This is my Facebook Page … I come here to write … talk about real life … in the meantime … I learn from some of you sometimes, in how to cope with what I’m going through.

I don’t need negative from anyone on here … and I’m ‘down’ but … I’m holding my ground, I’m not weak at all, nor pitiful. So, the few I still let stay here on my Facebook Page until I have time to remove you … I want you to know that. Your day may come when you have no one, also. I’ll know, I’ll feel compassion … I know how it feels.

Also, one other thing that bothered me is not long ago when someone told someone that I had lost my son …. and that person said, “but, I thought that was a long time ago” …. this keeps going through my mind. It was 5 years ago … but, in my mind …. my grieving mother’s mind … it is still … yesterday. I’ll never forget that being said … it burned into my mind.

Sadly, people will lose a child to one day understand how it hurt me. I’m not the only grieving mother in the world. I’ve coped in a positive way … I still hurt deeply inside.

If you’ve read this far … and you think I wrote a lot. That’s right … I do write that much … this is my space to write what I want. If it bothers you in a negative way, please remove yourself … go your own way. I respect your feelings, here … my feelings will be respected.

Those who care at all … who knows, maybe you have your own ideas, suggestions if you’ve walked on this road before. I know when I’ve walked different paths in life … I would share anything to help another not have to go through the grief I did. That’s what people who care … do. I care … I have a big Heart …

I understand so much in Life that is painful. Do I wallow in the mud, feel sorry for myself? That’s a big NO … I get my ass up and keep going until I get knocked down again … I get back up …. so it goes … I get right back up. I don’t give up.

I learned this from a woman who was paralyzed for over 20 years, as a little girl. I watched her struggle with the Hell she lived in, she never gave up. She was my Grandma Alma, my hero in my little girl life. She was a spitfire lady … I loved with my very Heart.

I am sharing all I said here, on my Blog … I thank you all who care, understand. If I don’t see you anymore after this …. I respect, understand that it was time to part ways.

I treasure my Friends, here … that’s all I want to stay on my Facebook Page, just the ones who feel like I do … people who have been here since Tommy died. You never had to say anything … just being there … meant the world to me. I love you, all. heart emoticon Gloria heart emoticon

Advertisements

One thought on “Last Night When I Wrote What I Did … I Was In Such Turmoil

  1. I offer love and support and no criticism whatsoever. People should never forget the ones they love or the ones they lost. Especially those. I hope your surgery goes well, and that some help finds you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s