Some of The Heaviest Things in My Life Are Things I Can’t See …
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/aka @GeeGranny on Twitter
You never saw all I carried on my shoulders when my son died … grief is the heaviest weight a grieving mother can carry. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.
Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny
Walking with shoulders stooped … hard to take a step forward in life. Walking with all the weight in the world … sitting on those shoulders. So many things happen to strike a person down … getting back up each time. Time after time … fall down, get up … fall down … get up.
So tired from the invisible weight carried on one’s shoulders. No one can see why a person walks with their shoulders down … head down, sighing all the time. They’ve given up on life …
Not I … oh no, not me. I’m not giving up … I haven’t given up. I won’t give up. Okay … the truth is during the first 3 years after my son died … I did give up. No one excepting Skip knew how fragile my very life was. He worried … I couldn’t see his worry for my grief.
Grief … is the very heaviest weight I ever carried on my shoulders. No one could see it … I couldn’t see it … I felt, knew it was there. I could hardly walk for the heaviness of it all. It was bigger than I.
Anyone not knowing me … would see a beaten-down woman who was looking … inside when walking … not looking out into this world. She didn’t want to talk to anyone … she lived in the darkness of pure grief … there wasn’t even a speck of light in her world, her mind. She/I was the darkness.
No one could see why this woman would look as she does. No one could see that this woman used to be so happy … smiling all the time, silly … funny. Invisible weight no one could see pushed me to the ground. For the first time in my life … I wasn’t a positive person … I wasn’t capable of really thinking any further than my grief.
I look back toward that time … all I see is darkness. I don’t feel like entering that darkness now to describe to you some of those times. I do that from time to time to show/tell you … today, I can’t. It takes so much out of me … for several days after entering the darkness. I can’t get over it easy, because when I do that … I am in there totally … facing awful things.
Today … 6 years later … I am out of the darkness … I don’t carry the weight of grief on my shoulders, now. I have coped with the loss of my son in a most positive way. I realize no matter how much I cry, fight the world because my son died … it doesn’t change a thing. He isn’t coming back. All I have are my memories … where I can see, hear him. It’s sad … but, it is the way of life. I met it head-on, suffered such pain I could never describe to anyone … to get to this point in my life.
Even when I tell you how well I’ve coped … that I’m at a good place now, concerning Tommy’s (my son) death … doesn’t in any way … diminish the pain of losing my child. It’s just now … I have grown big enough to hold my grief. Before … it was bigger than I.
The grief doesn’t hold me down … weigh my shoulders down as it once did. Before it was bigger than I … the heaviest weight I’ve ever known, or carried. Now … I’ve grown so much stronger that I can carry it inside … and live, too. Now … I’m bigger, stronger than my grief … I’ve coped with it.
Sure, once in a while … the grief finds a way to bring me down … I only let it happen for a short time until I can get back up on my feet, face it head-on. Grief does have a way of sneaking up on me once in a while. I can’t let it keep me down … I have to live until the day I die … I have my husband, Pups to be here for. So, I make everything get back all right again. I smile through my tears … conjuring up Tommy’s sunshine smile that always warmed my Heart. That’s how I find myself smiling away the pain.
So, while all of these things happen inside me … it’s invisible to everyone around me. They never see a thing … powerful things that go on in my mind … other people’s minds. Even I don’t see it on others unless, I really take time to see, look, listen. I can see true pain in a person’s eyes … the eyes are very telling, but … unless you have time to see … you’ll never know it.
Some of the heaviest things in my life are the ones I can’t see. Grief being the biggest, heaviest of all. Now … I’m stronger for it … before it was bigger than me … now … I’m big enough to carry it. You can’t see that, either.
Oh, I do know this, so you will know … I’m not the only person in this world who carries the heaviest weight no one can see … I know that truly we all carry something inside us that hurts us. I care, and I have so much compassion for others. I don’t think only of myself.
Note by this Author:
I was thinking this morning about how holding so much pain inside … that no one can possibly see … how heavy that very pain is. The heaviest weight I ever carried on my shoulders is grief for the loss of my only child. Six years later … I am all right … because I meant to be in a positive way.
Photos/true story owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.