Some of The Heaviest Things in My Life Are Things I Can’t See …

Some of The Heaviest Things in My Life Are Things I Can’t See …

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/aka @GeeGranny on Twitter




You never saw all I carried on my shoulders when my son died … grief is the heaviest weight a grieving mother can carry. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.



Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny



Walking with shoulders stooped … hard to take a step forward in life.  Walking with all the weight in the world … sitting on those shoulders.  So many things happen to strike a person down … getting back up each time.  Time after time … fall down, get up … fall down … get up.


So tired from the invisible weight carried on one’s shoulders.  No one can see why a person walks with their shoulders down … head down, sighing all the time.  They’ve given up on life …


Not I … oh no, not me.  I’m not giving up … I haven’t given up.  I won’t give up.  Okay … the truth is during the first 3 years after my son died … I did give up.  No one excepting Skip knew how fragile my very life was.  He worried … I couldn’t see his worry for my grief.


Grief … is the very heaviest weight I ever carried on my shoulders.  No one could see it … I couldn’t see it … I felt, knew it was there.  I could hardly walk for the heaviness of it all.  It was bigger than I.


Anyone not knowing me … would see a beaten-down woman who was looking … inside when walking … not looking out into this world.  She didn’t want to talk to anyone … she lived in the darkness of pure grief … there wasn’t even a speck of light in her world, her mind.  She/I was the darkness.


No one could see why this woman would look as she does.  No one could see that this woman used to be so happy … smiling all the time, silly … funny.  Invisible weight no one could see pushed me to the ground.  For the first time in my life … I wasn’t a positive person … I wasn’t capable of really thinking any further than my grief.


I look back toward that time … all I see is darkness.  I don’t feel like entering that darkness now to describe to you some of those times.  I do that from time to time to show/tell you … today, I can’t.  It takes so much out of me … for several days after entering the darkness.  I can’t get over it easy, because when I do that … I am in there totally … facing awful things.


Today … 6 years later … I am out of the darkness … I don’t carry the weight of grief on my shoulders, now.  I have coped with the loss of my son in a most positive way.  I realize no matter how much I cry, fight the world because my son died … it doesn’t change a thing.  He isn’t coming back.  All I have are my memories … where I can see, hear him.  It’s sad … but, it is the way of life.  I met it head-on, suffered such pain I could never describe to anyone … to get to this point in my life.


Even when I tell you how well I’ve coped … that I’m at a good place now, concerning Tommy’s (my son) death … doesn’t in any way … diminish the pain of losing my child.  It’s just now … I have grown big enough to hold my grief.  Before … it was bigger than I.


The grief doesn’t hold me down … weigh my shoulders down as it once did.  Before it was bigger than I … the heaviest weight I’ve ever known, or carried.  Now … I’ve grown so much stronger that I can carry it inside … and live, too.  Now … I’m bigger, stronger than my grief … I’ve coped with it.


Sure, once in a while … the grief finds a way to bring me down … I only let it happen for a short time until I can get back up on my feet, face it head-on.  Grief does have a way of sneaking up on me once in a while.  I can’t let it keep me down … I have to live until the day I die … I have my husband, Pups to be here for.  So, I make everything get back all right again.  I smile through my tears … conjuring up Tommy’s sunshine smile that always warmed my Heart.  That’s how I find myself smiling away the pain.


So, while all of these things happen inside me … it’s invisible to everyone around me.  They never see a thing … powerful things that go on in my mind … other people’s minds.  Even I don’t see it on others unless, I really take time to see, look, listen.  I can see true pain in a person’s eyes … the eyes are very telling, but … unless you have time to see … you’ll never know it.


Some of the heaviest things in my life are the ones I can’t see.  Grief being the biggest, heaviest of all.  Now … I’m stronger for it … before it was bigger than me … now … I’m big enough to carry it.  You can’t see that, either.


Oh, I do know this, so you will know … I’m not the only person in this world who carries the heaviest weight no one can see … I know that truly we all carry something inside us that hurts us.  I care, and I have so much compassion for others.  I don’t think only of myself.



Note by this Author:


I was thinking this morning about how holding so much pain inside … that no one can possibly see … how heavy that very pain is.  The heaviest weight I ever carried on my shoulders is grief for the loss of my only child.  Six years later … I am all right … because I meant to be in a positive way.


Photos/true story owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.



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