You Will Never See My Grief … Never


Note:  This story I wrote on August 16, 2014 … popped up as a Facebook Memory.  I read it again … I am sharing it with you … again.  This has never changed no matter that I’ve come so far on my Grieving Mother Journey.  My tears are non-stop on the inside … where no one can see.

 

The difference 6 years later is … I can live at the same time as I grieve.  I can smile, be happy about something … all the while I grieve. I can be around you, anyone … no one has to see how bad I look … no one has to be afraid they will see my tears … because they are hidden from the world.  You will see a smile instead … just like seeing a beautiful building on the outside never seeing the sad things going on … inside.  

 

I will never let you see my grief … you can only read it.  Don’t be sad for me … everything is alright though I write about my grief.  I am keeping a promise to you … and I never forget that grief is … why … I write.     Gloria Faye Brown Bates/Granny Gee

You will never see my grief … it’s always hidden from the world. You may read it … but you won’t ever see it. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

My Tears … Fall Inside, Hidden From The World

My Tears … Fall Inside, Hidden From The World
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Photo owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.  This is the last photo taken of Tommy just a few hours … before he died on May 29, 2010.  Who would have ever thought?  He died, running, playing on the beach with his little three year old son.  He got there … just in time … to play for a few minutes … collapsed on the soft sand …

Sometimes … I pause, think … I can’t believe Tommy’s not here, anymore. I mean, I can’t believe he isn’t … here, anymore.

I picture him in my mind … I see his bright Tommy smile … like a happy glow around his face. Like a cartoon picture of the sunshine … with happy sun rays around it. I draw them, sometimes.

I picture his blue-green eyes, blonde hair. I see a tall, handsome guy standing there. My son … my son, whom I was so proud of.

I listen to his soft voice, fun laugh in my mind. He loved to joke, play pranks. He could laugh like the cowardly lion … and I would laugh until I cried, listening to him.

Sometimes, we would begin talking, and talk about something funny … both of us would begin laughing … and laugh harder when we looked at each other’s eyes. One of us would say something more funny, and we’d laugh more.

I loved my son. I really miss him. I don’t cry now, as I once did. I do feel … bittersweet. I do feel sadness in my heart.

How did I accept my son’s death? I’m not sure when I did … Sometimes, I do feel some of the old, panicky feelings inside … I try to let go of them, quickly.

I would have never guess I would have to grow older without my child being … there. I never had a clue that such would happen … I knew he would be there, always.

I remember being very sick, trying to prepare him for something happening to me. I knew my son loved me with his heart … I was afraid for him … if I died.

I never thought to prepare myself for my son’s … death. Today … when I think of him, I smile with great sadness in my Heart. My tears … fall inside, hidden from the world.

Photo/Story Credit: is of my son, Tommy.  Both are owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

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