My son, Tommy … born 11-20-1969 … died 5-29-2016 with 3 blockages to heart. He is holding his own little son in this photo.
Sometimes when something bothers me … instead of running … I take a stand and face it. Death scares me. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.
Looking Death in its Face …
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/aka GeeGranny on Twitter
Lately I have been thinking of … death. Yes, death. No matter that I feel good, and am happy to be alive. The thoughts of death happen time to time. I think that happens to everyone ever so often. We just try to force the thoughts gone.
When I hear some types of music playing on tv … see beautiful scenes of sea gulls flying … see seals resting on a sandbar, hear their sounds … watch birds walk in the waves as they wash ashore … I see the beauty of it all … then my mind thinks … death!
I begin to imagine a shark ready to pounce on an innocent, unsuspecting seal as it slides into the water to go on its quest for food. Death …
Walking by the beautiful water in a swampy area (something I’ve done when I was very naive!) where there are alligators … never knowing at a moment’s notice … an alligator could attack and change one’s life and cause … death. I get cold chills when thinking about it.
Driving down the highway … enjoying the drive, sights. One little mistake of another driver … yourself … the possibility of … death.
Sitting on a bank fishing at the river … not realizing there’s a water moccasin snake with its mouth wide open to strike at you … until moving just in the nick of time … turning around to see it! (This happened to one of my friends). Death …
Walking along a path covered in fall leaves in a strange place when stopping in the nick of time … to see something not right. There’s a deep well … very old … you could have just simply stepped off into! Looking down in it … there are snakes. This happened to us when we lived in Alabama. Death … who’s going to come looking for you? How many snakes are going to bite you. You are in a deep hole with no way of climbing out. Death …
Death … I try not to think of dying. Sometimes, it can’t be helped so, I let myself do it for a short time. Who knows … maybe I can get ideas to write a story, put in a story. You may find it uncomfortable to think about death … I do, too … but, I’ve had to cope with death over and over for the last 16 years as all of my family down to my only child … died. I’ve lived with death for so long … now, I face up to thinking about death. I can no longer deny it … we all are going to die one day.
I can no longer think it happens to others … or can’t happen to me … or so and so will be here forever. Not so. I am going to die … one day. Death is going to come to take me just as it took all my loved ones … my son. I’m no better to die than anyone else … I’m not above dying … I will die one day. Death won’t be hovering around me … it will swipe me up and take me into the darkness … forever. Just as it will do you … one day. Isn’t it scary when you think about it? I am at this moment doing what I always do when I’m afraid … I’m holding my ground at this very moment … facing up to one of my fears … Death.
I had to face with my own impending death when I fought my battle with non-Hodgkins lymphoma … I was dying … I walked close to the edge of death for 3 years … sat on Death’s doorstep knowing I’d be entering its door at any time. Can you imagine … knowing you are going to die … that others don’t normally survive what you are going through? I talked to Death … I lived with Death by my side … I was so sick that truthfully … if I had died I wouldn’t have known the difference.
I’ve almost entered that dreaded door we all know is there … Death’s Door … a few times in my life. I don’t know why I didn’t enter it … I am still here. I don’t know my purpose in life … or how I’ve made any difference in someone else’s life.
You know how people say that you didn’t die because you are here for a purpose? I’ve never known my purpose or what good am I to this big old world. I never did save the world like I wanted to as a young girl. Truthfully, it isn’t possible … but, we do all make it a better place as a whole. It takes so many of us to make a positive difference … sometimes, so long. Do we give up? No. But … I wish I could see something good, positive that just myself … I … have done to … save the world.
Maybe saving the world means … the world of one individual. Through time I can see where I’ve made that difference … and I’m happy about that when I think back to those times. I just wish there were more times than a lot … I wish I could do it a … million times. Make a wonderful difference in many individual lives.
When my son died … Death lived by my side each day. It was another time I wouldn’t have known if I died … I was dead inside. I almost joined Death permanently … no, I wouldn’t have known if I died. Three years I held hands with Death once again … I stayed in Death’s darkness before sunlight ever reached me.
I’m afraid of dying … I’m afraid of Death. I’m not afraid of dying … I’m not afraid of Death. The world is bigger than I … I am small in this big old world … at any moment I could be taken from it. You … could be taken from it. Death … could do that. At this very moment I’m looking Death in its face … even if I’m afraid.
Note by this Author:
Death is scary … it isn’t scary. Death is what we make it to be … we don’t want it to be. Death will happen regardless of what you or I think … I choose to meet things head-on … so, I when I think about Death … I write about it … it’s my way of digging my heels in … looking Death straight into its face … letting it know I know … it’s there … it can get me at any time. I don’t want to be afraid, yet I am.
Not only am I afraid of death … I experience panic attacks when I think of my son and his death. Death is final … no more. Can you imagine what a scary thought it is to know you’ll never see your child again … because of Death? Imagine it for a moment … just imagining tears your very Heart out. Just think if it really happened.
I am not a morbid person … my mind doesn’t stay on thinking about death, thankfully. I’m too positive to let myself do that. This happens to be one of the times … my thoughts were of Death … so, I wrote it to share it with you. I know I’m not the only one who … thinks … of any, everything.
My thoughts, photo are written, owned by me … Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee