I’ve Been Doing A Lot of Thinking … I’ve Had so Much to Think About …


Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee … 2016

 

I wish I could make all good … remove all bad. I can’t … I’ve accepted I can only do the very best I can. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

 

I am finding out that no matter the peace I made inside to be able to live with the knowledge that my son will never come back … even six years later … grief will strike unexpectedly. The pain is just as great … one wants to just fall down on the floor, cry their very Heart out. It hurts very bad. Sometimes, the pain is much greater than I am … I can’t hold it all inside. I don’t want anyone to see me hurt … I don’t want to make them sad.

 

I have been experiencing this for the past 3 days. I made it through Thanksgiving and had no idea getting through Christmas would be any different … the grief I’ve been experiencing has been just awful.

 

As bad as it has hurt me … I have bounced back. I’m so thankful to be able to reach my Peace boat in an Ocean of Pure Pain, Grief. Now, I can be alright again. I can’t believe how bad it was this time after six years. This is the year I’ve done very good.

 

I write this for the ones who follow me to read about grief, losing a child. For the ones who have never lost a child … hopefully to never lose your child. This is why I began writing six years ago … it saved my own life … the pain was too great for me to hold inside … thankfully I had a place to help to move the pain to … a book, writing. In the long run … writing helped to save my life. I promise you this mother’s life was very fragile after learning her child had died. I would have never known if I died … I became the walking dead.

 

I heard about Carrie Fisher’s death, then her mother … Debbie Reynolds … dying one day later. I felt it go through me … I understand. I’ve never been big fans of either person … but, my Heart breaks for them. A daughter … mother die within one day of each other. So sad … I’m so sorry. I know that pure grief … I almost didn’t … be here … today.

 

I write my life as it really is. Some people might be uncomfortable reading about raw grief … it’s real life and it’s there whether you have experienced it or not. Either you will know a grieving mother personally or you will experience being a grieving mother if you are a woman. I write to let others know how grief really is … I don’t sugar-coat it.

 
I never write to gain sympathy … I don’t write to get comments of pity. In fact … no one has to say anything. I don’t have to hear my son … ‘is in a better place’ because I will quickly tell you in a nice way, “no, that’s not true … my son had plans to become a probation officer … my son had been through a trauma … and was just beginning to experience life again … he was interested, happy to begin doing things again”. I won’t listen to that … think about if someone told you that in such a way as to not acknowledge you just lost an important part of you … your child. I think it disrespectful … but … I understand people will say that for lack of anything else to say … they will say it because they’ve always been told such … they will say it without thinking of what they say. I respect we all think differently … that’s why it’s interesting to talk to one another. This is one thing I’m not going to hear if someone says it. I won’t argue it …

 

I’m strong as a redwood tree that has weathered many storms … I stand strong, scarred from life’s battles. I survived many very bad things in my life since a child … I’ve lost all my loved ones … I have very few family members left in this life … my world, family consists now of Skip and our Pups, Kissy and Camie.

 

I could have easily let go … died just after Tommy died. I came very close to it. I can still hear Skip’s voice softly speaking to me when he watched over me, concern in his voice. I could hear him but, I couldn’t come back to him. I was … gone. I wasn’t there.

 

For over 3 years I lived in darkness … since … I’ve only grown stronger, and stronger. Thankfully … I’ve always been a positive person. I embrace the sunshine and brightness of each day now. I do admit that cloudy, gloomy days affect me in a negative way … I’m afraid of darkness … I don’t want to be trapped in it again.

 

When you come here to read my Facebook page or go to my primary blog at: Happycolorsandgrannygee.blogspot.com (and my other blogs) … I write real life … real grief. Why? Because I know it best in my life … I grew up knowing pain of real life. It made me a strong, positive, good person through time. I could have been an old, bitter lady at this day and time. I’m not at all … I forgive things I never thought I could … I’m open-minded, understand so much about us … people … than I ever have.

 

I understand, look for why people act, do the things they do. I’ve always studied people … us, myself. I always pay close attention to things said … things not said. I’m the type of person who when looking at the whole picture in front of me … is watching in the background things no one else would notice.

 

I care so much about people, animals. Through time I’ve had to learn to put other people’s situations and even animals into their place to separate them from my private life … because I would go to pieces … I couldn’t change the bad to good.

 

I’m sort of in a situation now … about Special Pup. Combined with the grief of not having my son … and caring for Special Pup … for the past three days … I’ve been very, very sad, upset. I’ve had to come to terms that I will be Special Pup’s guardian angel always and do the best I can to help add comfort, love to his life.

 

I’ve realized that I can’t bring him home even if the man gave him to me … we are fortunate to afford to care for our Pups. They don’t go to the vet anymore so, I’ve had to accept … we can’t afford the expense of another pup. He would need vet care … shots and such. He has a cough that worries me. I can only do the best I can. I love him and he’s come to love me. It hurts so bad. So, you can see why I’ve not been the best for the past 3 days. I’ve had to be realistic … and I’m still in the process of accepting I can only do so much. I also, realize that he can jump so high … our fence wouldn’t accommodate him. Also, he is a pit bull … we have a Rottweiler, and an Australian Shepherd. I will just do the best I can.

 

I always wanted to ‘save the world’ … I could only do good in my own little ways. As a young person I knew I was so strong, invincible … I learned through time I had to learn to choose my battles … that no matter how much I cared … I couldn’t save the whole world. I could only do what I could as one person … and when every one is another person … all in all … we do make the world a better place. I would love to do it on a grander scale … I can only do what I can … do the best I can.

 

This is what is on my mind this morning. I’ve been doing so much thinking … I’ve had so much to think about.

Note by this Author:

Photo/true story owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.  These are things I’ve been thinking about … battled in my mind trying to make the best decision about Special Pup.  I have such deep love for animals, people … I suffer for it because I care so much.  Sometimes, I go to pieces … and when that happens, I began putting all back together and can be realistic, see what I have to do.  I have to … just be the best I can be … each day.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “I’ve Been Doing A Lot of Thinking … I’ve Had so Much to Think About …

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s