The Grief Came Once Again … I Wrote It Alright
When a mother loses her child she goes on a forever journey … Journey of Grief. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.
My only child, my son … Tommy holding his only son born on March 16, 2007. I lost Tommy on May 29, 2010 … I’ve been on the Journey of Grief since. I have to write to make it all better … the pain gets too great to stay inside me. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.
I felt the most deepest sadness in my Heart this morning … everything is alright. It’s Easter weekend … Tommy won’t be coming home I know … it still doesn’t stop that longing inside my Heart. ❤ 🙂
I wish everyone such a safe, wonderful Easter with their children, pets. ❤ Grief is a sad emotion … more than sad … more than just mere pain … more … than anything.
This morning and yesterday I have cried for Tommy. I miss him with my very Heart ❤ Everything is going to be alright because I choose to make it so now. Every step I take … I choose to go forward … never backward ❤
Can you imagine not seeing your son, daughter again? No … I couldn’t when my son lived. I can remember back then … ‘knowing in my Heart’ … that he would be here as I became older and I would always have him.
A mother’s grief is forever. She has to choose how to handle it … at first I wasn’t in any condition to handle anything and almost didn’t live through it all. It took several years before somehow … I began to very slowly come back to life. You see … before that I didn’t know if I was living or not … it didn’t matter. The pain, oh the pain. I could only live in darkness, feel the pain of my only child dying … gone forever. Can you imagine?
Thankfully … time has gone by … all still hurts and I still get the ‘birds trapped in a cage’ sensation in my stomach (panicky feeling). I know I have to just go on living, doing things … and it finally goes away. No mother ever wants to travel this road … it never ends. It’s until the day a mother dies.
Grief’s journey … I’m going to always be on it … I try to make it positive now that I’m aware of all I feel, think. You see … for the first few years some mothers don’t think or be aware that life is going on around them … they are looking inside. I’m so thankful to be out of myself and be able to see the world I love now.
Thank God I am a positive person to begin with. It’s like going to church as a child … there’s a foundation to fall back on when one doesn’t know anywhere else to go after trying to do everything themselves … making all kinds of mistakes. Thank God for the older women who used to come to my Grandma Alma’s house in Hell … to get me, take me to church where I could see happy people, know goodness in the world.
No matter the mistakes I ever made … I never forgot God. I don’t publicly go out to tell everyone how I feel about religion and I won’t ever. Everyone has their own way to worship … believe. I am very private in that respect. I also, respect everyone’s beliefs … we all arrive at our own beliefs in our own way from our own experiences.
No one owns God … we all love … worship him in our own ways. I won’t argue this with anyone … and if someone … were to begin arguing religion with me … I would know you don’t respect me and I’d remove you off my Facebook. I never play such games … life’s too short and too sweet to waste time on such. I respect myself … I respect you … and I won’t allow anyone to disrespect me.
Even if I’m always nice, try to be good … there’s steel in my backbone. It came from the days as a little girl trying her best to survive life in Hell. I only say this because sometimes … there are people who aren’t as nice … who want to jump on a bandwagon … soapbox to begin a war … not on my Facebook … not in my life. I pick … choose my own battles … this isn’t one of them. I respect their opinions enough to let go … let them go their own way.
Writing is magic to me … since Tommy died … I’ve written more than I ever have in my life. I don’t think I’m a best-seller author … I’m not the best author … but … I write. I write to … save myself. Thank God I could write when Tommy died … how in the world could I have lived with such pain bigger than I … inside myself.
The book in the photo is my book of pure pain. Just because I wrote it doesn’t mean I’m famous, great or anything. It is simply my book of pure pain that I couldn’t hold inside. I don’t think I could have made it if I hadn’t written it. I’ve never tried to pretend I’m something I’m not … I have never made money off my 3 books I wrote. That’s okay.
I didn’t have in mind to make money when I wrote … I Cry For Tommy … I wrote to remember Tommy, my son … one of the most important, special parts of my life … me. He’ll always be remembered through my words … my dragonflies.
My beautiful son is gone … yours is still here. Love, care and mend any broken fences. I promise you that a phone call can come, destroy your whole world as a mother in a split second … it did mine.
In fact … I was 200 miles away from the ocean where he died … and I was the first person to know. A stranger picked Tommy’s phone up off the damp sand where he collapsed … pressed redial … got the last person Tommy ever talked to … Me. My son talked to me last on his phone. I heard a voice say, “Ma’am, I have a man collapsed here on the sand … he’s not breathing.”
For those of you who need to mend fences … I hope you will think of me … hear my words in your minds. Love, hold your babies tightly this Easter weekend … all the time. Let them know their mothers love them no matter what. Let them know they are most special to you.
Thank God … I always did that with Tommy … he knew his mother loved him with her very Heart. This was my only comfort I could find in his death … my son knew I loved him because I told him so … often. How many times did I cry out in my Heart … “thank God I told him”.
You can see how writing heals me … helps me when I get very sad. I have passed over the grief … pain … I felt building up inside me. Writing saves me. Thank God for writing … whether it be good or bad. I don’t claim to be other than myself … I write my way and go on. I could possibly say something that could help another … I know sometimes I read ‘just the right thing … said in just the right way’ … and it makes all the difference in my life. It doesn’t matter who wrote it … what matter is I read it. I know you understand.
My friends here understand … my newer friends may not realize since they’ve not followed me through time at the most darkest period of my life that began May 29, 2010.
Everything is alright … I wrote it so … it would be that way! 🙂 ❤
Note by this Author: I wrote this morning to help myself as I felt the onslaught of grief so deep … so painful … I wrote until I was okay again. I put this on my Facebook this morning as my post today. Photo/story are both owned by me … Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.