My precious son and grandson … I miss you with my very Heart. I know you can’t come back … but, it doesn’t stop me from wishing it so. Photo owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.
I thought I’d written all the pain away. It came back and was bigger than me. I couldn’t run from it. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.
3 Days of Pure Grief ….
A mother’s grief … never goes away. It is always … there.
No matter how she pretends everything is alright … it really isn’t.
Grief is like sweeping dust under the rug … it’s always there.
If one keeps sweeping dust under the rug … never getting rid of it … it builds up.
I am speaking for myself. I pretend only so long … push back my real feelings never sharing or talking about them.
Why do I do that? So as not to make others sad … dread to see a grieving mother. People love when I smile all the time … they smile back.
I’m a private person … I never talk about my real feelings to a person. I can write my pain.
As much as I’ve written … this weekend showed me that I never wrote all the pain away.
For 3 days I have spiraled out of control with grief and pure anger at the death of my son. Where did it all come from? I thought I had coped with it.
I told Skip it was like the doors of Hell opened and the fire was raging inside me. I haven’t been easy to live with to say the least.
Grief is an awful thing. Holidays when families gather … are the worse times.
I thought I had my grief under control after 6 years … the past 3 days have been pure Hell … one of the worse times since Tommy died.
The bad thing is the grief was bigger than me … and it was all … contained inside of me. I couldn’t get up and leave from it … no matter where I went it was still inside. It was worse than my words can say.
I couldn’t run away from myself … I had nowhere to run to. All I could do was rage, cry … become a storm … a really bad storm. I’m not proud of that.
I promised when I first began writing my grief that I would share the very real grief when it struck. I’m keeping my promise.
I don’t know that anyone can learn anything from what I have just written. One can see grief doesn’t ever go away …. one can’t see the pain a grieving mother hides with a smile.
The strange thing is that I can hide my pain well … I was around people we know … they never suspected the storm raging inside me. I couldn’t wait to get to myself to quit pretending.
This morning … I got up with a smile and a peaceful feeling in my Heart. I’m okay now. I weathered this terrible storm … it almost got the best of me.
I’m like a redwood tree … scarred, weathered … I’m still standing. Grief either makes you strong or breaks you. I am determined to be strong.
I’ve accepted Tommy’s death … I know he can’t come back. I’m a most realistic person … I cope with what I can’t change until I can.
None of this matters when a mother misses her child … his voice, laughter, silly jokes … pranks. None of it matters when she wishes to see his sweet face … sweet, sunshine smile.
When holidays come … a grieving mother may not seem to notice when families get together … their children come to visit. I promise they notice … they wish so much to see their own child.
A grieving mother pretends everything is good … she wants all to be good.
Inside her Heart … she sees/feels the hugs other mothers’ children give them … a son or daughter kiss on the cheek …. a ‘I love you, mama’. It triggers in her what she has tried to hide from herself. She used to be a mother … she’ll never get another smile, hug … kiss from her child. She’ll never get another ‘I love you, mama’ from her child. It’s all gone … forever.
There’s nothing beautiful, happy I can write about grief. I can only write it as it really is. Only a mother can know what the loss of her child feels like.
I’m so glad to be okay today. This bout of grief lasted 3 days. I couldn’t seem to shake it.
Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.