Tommy Dragonflies … No Strings Attached


Tommy Dragonflies … No Strings Attached

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

 

Tommy Dragonflies I make to leave for others to find … no strings attached … in memory of my son, Tommy.

 

 

Seagulls flew overhead … with their seagull sounds

All seemed normal … a day at the beach

Waves washed ashore … warm winds blew

 

 

Close your eyes … breathe in … breathe out

Aw-www … so relaxing … vacation time!

Seagulls sang their songs … glided on the wind

 

 

Looking out at the ocean … the blue and white sky

I become aware of the soft, wet sand between my toes

Warm waves washing the sand around my feet

 

 

I see a blonde man running, playing with his little son

A little boy who looked just like his daddy … two peas in a pod

Laughter, squeals of joy … as the two ran … played

 

 

What a beautiful sight … father and son playing on the beach

I turned away to see what I could see … turned back

In the instant, my eyes looked away … the man collapsed to the sand

 

 

The little boy ran to him … fell on his knees … Daddy!

Daddy! come play!  Daddy, get up!  Let’s run … let’s play!

I saw on his little face as he realized … Daddy wasn’t getting up

 

 

The little boy began to cry … he and his daddy were all alone

They had sneaked off from the family to come play on the beach

Daddy! Please get up … Daddy!

 

 

A family approached the little boy … they had been watching

Watching the little boy and his daddy play

A man picked up the little boy’s daddy’s phone … pressed redial

 

 

Two hundred miles away … a woman answered the phone

Excitement … a smile in her voice … Tommy!

A stranger spoke … confusion spread on the woman’s face

 

 

Her happy smile slid from her face … never to be found

It was her last happy smile for her son whenever he called her

He never called again … the stranger spoke to her

 

 

“Ma’am, I have a man collapsed here on the beach … he isn’t breathing”

The woman asked him why did he have her son’s phone

The man repeated … “Ma’am, I have a man collapsed here on the beach … he isn’t breathing”

 

 

The woman called for her husband … Skip!

She handed him the phone … listened as shock set in

Her baby was dead?  No!  She tried to listen but, couldn’t hear

 

 

She was conscious enough to tell her husband to get her to the hospital

To tell the doctor to give her something to make the pain go away

Please help me, she cried … this is too big for me to hold inside

 

 

No!  Tommy’s gone!  She tried to cry but, it hurt too bad

She was in another world when her husband got her to the hospital

She barely remembered the needle placed in her arm

 

 

Darkness … darkness became her friend

Darkness wrapped around her like a blanket

Holding, comforting her for many months to come

 

 

Her only child was gone … she’d never see him again

Never hear his voice, laughter … see his smile

How could she live with such knowledge … she couldn’t

 

 

Looking back … I stayed in darkness for 3 years

I tried to find spots of light in the cave I was in

I wanted to come back to the surface

 

 

When I did … the knowledge my son was gone forever

Was too heavy for me to bear … I fell back into darkness

Where I didn’t have to think … remember

 

 

Oh my God … my son … my child was dead … he really died!

How could I live with that … I wanted to die

I could have been dead for all I knew … I would have never known the difference

 

 

Taking medicine … never used to taking anything

The medicine was potent … making me sleep the sleep of death

Barely breathing … Skip watched over me … pleaded with me not to take it anymore

 

 

I don’t remember how much I took … or times to take it

The pain told me when to take it

Thank God for the darkness … oh God … I’m afraid of the dark!

 

 

Skip’s voice … cold Pup’s noses … kept pulling at me to come back

Little by little I could begin to think again … then … like a turtle

I’d run back into my shell of darkness … my blanket to comfort me

 

 

Little by little … I have no concept of the time … I would think

I wanted to come back … I wanted to live … I couldn’t for the pain

Why should I live … Tommy was gone … how could I live with such knowledge?

 

 

I’ve never carried such a load on my shoulders as the knowledge of my son’s death

No one could see it … no one could see why I looked like I did … they did see a broken woman

No one thought to ask ‘why?’ I’d changed so drastically … I never told them but … I did see the shock in their faces

 

 

I began to write my pain away … like a river of water

My words began to flow … pain from my Heart flowed out from my fingertips

To my keyboard … I couldn’t stop … even to this day I haven’t stopped writing

 

 

I write to live … I live to write … doesn’t matter if it’s good … bad

I write my pain … I don’t have enough room inside for the pain … I’m not big enough

‘I Cry For Tommy’ … is the book I wrote … pure grief, pure pain for the child I lost … it saved my life

 

 

I make golden, beaded dragonflies in memory of my son

I leave them in public to remember Tommy

And … to bring someone joy, happiness in finding one

 

 

Writing … creating dragonflies are my ways to remember my son … Tommy

Writing … creating dragonflies keeps the pain from pooling up inside me

Writing … creating dragonflies … like a river of water … constantly keeps the pain flowing from me

 

 

Writing helps me to live … I live to write … no matter good or bad

I keep the pain flowing … mixed with my diamond teardrops

I write … I have to … I can’t keep it inside … I might die

 

 

When you find one of my Tommy Dragonflies … look at it … really look at it

Look beyond the gold wire, beads … can you see, feel my pain?

No … you can’t … it’s not meant for you to … it’s meant for you to find … feel joy in your own Heart

 

 

I remember Tommy … my precious son

While you have a little treasure to bring you joy, hopefully, good luck

You can help me remember Tommy … it’s okay if you don’t

 

 

My Tommy dragonflies have no strings attached

So if you find one … I’m honored if you want to keep it

Keep it knowing love from my hands made it … it was meant for You to find … no one else

 

 

 

 

Note from this Author:

 

This month is the month Tommy died … May 29, 2010 … Memorial Day weekend.  I was so happy when he called a short time before he died … he called to say, “Mama, we are here! I’ll call you in a little while”.

 

I was very happy and relieved to know he and his family had made it to Myrtle Beach, SC safely.  They were going to stay a week in the hotel where they’d made reservations … it was on the beach at 9400 Shore Drive at Sands Beach Club Hotel.

 

You know how mothers are … they worry until they know their children are safe … especially when traveling on holidays.  I wasn’t any different.

 

I write about Tommy … real life … real grief … I have to write.  When I write … it isn’t to gain sympathy … it’s writing the pain so I can live.  When you read it … feel it … you can go away … if you see someone in your life suffering from grief, pain … I hope you’ll feel compassion.  Just care a little … a little means a lot.

 

I didn’t tell people when Tommy died as I’ve always been private.  I am like that just as you are like the way you are.  I never talked about it … I grieved and withdrew from everything.

 

So when people saw me … they had to have thought ‘Oh my God, what has happened to Gloria!”  I never bothered to tell them anything … I did see their expressions … their eyes.  It was the same way when I had cancer … Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.  Why?

 

Once when I was gravely ill … Skip wanted me to get out of the house and go to the supermarket with him … he talked me into it.  I was so weak … I walked very slowly … I looked very bad.  I was going through chemo.

 

We saw a friend I’d known for many years coming down the aisle toward me.  He was an older man.  He saw me … his eyes registered who I was … I saw shock … he stopped, turned his back … went away.  He never spoke to me … he did leave me standing there in that aisle … devastated.  I never forgot it.  It left me knowing no one cares when you are … ‘in a bad way’.

 

It also left me to always walk up to someone I know if I ever see them not well … let them know I care.  No one has to tell me that because … all I’ve been through has strengthened me … I can cope with it.  I’m like a Redwood tree … strong … weathered many storms … still standing.  Just because I cry … doesn’t mean I’m weak.

 

 

Just because I cry … doesn’t mean I’m weak. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

 

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee