So … If That Means Being A ‘Goody Two-Shoes’ … So Be It!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee (&grannygee)
Photo is of me as a younger ‘Granny Gee’ … photo/story both, are owned by me… Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee. I wasn’t a ‘Goody Two-Shoes’.
I have been thinking a lot … what do I think about … so much? Truthfully, my mind never stays on any one thing. Too boring. It would be like painting all in … one color … if I thought about only a few things.
Not only that … I think about things most people wouldn’t think about. That’s like … painting in exotic colors. I think in colors … the stories in my life are … the colors of my life.
The color I hate the worst is … black. Somehow, ‘black’ has touched my life with its unwelcomed color … a lot, through the years. I’d rather choose a black color when I needed it … like when I outline my drawings … with a Sharpie pen.
The worse black color is … death. Death of a dear, loved one. I have experienced many shades of black … I have lost most all my family. I lost the very members of … my family … that I truly loved, as a child. I’m not saying I liked them … as an adult, though.
Several … one in particular … was … evil. Maybe because of living in the house that guarded one of the portals … to hell. It’s a wonder I’m not a … demon. Maybe that’s why I could be a demon … if I didn’t have so, much ‘good’ in me.
I love happy, good, heart-touching things in life. I was different … in my family. If I’d been ‘bad’, I would have been looked up to, admired. How do I know? I took a few ‘bad’ roads in my life … they loved it.
I ‘wasn’t bad enough’ to travel the roads I began to try to go down … ‘I had to come back’. I wasn’t … tough enough. I was ‘too good’ … inside. I couldn’t do … ‘bad’ things that hurt others. I didn’t like to be mean, hateful … evil.
I would have been good at it … if ‘there had been a bad bone’ in my body. I learned from the best … I ‘lost respect’ when I wouldn’t go on to be ‘bad’ … I also, gained a ‘reluctant respect’ because … I had the nerve to say … no! I was called something I hated to be called … that’s not ‘me’ at all …’goody two-shoes’.
I know how it feels to hurt … I know many shades of pain … the very worse being … the death of Tommy, my son. Many of my followers, readers know this about me … you’ve all traveled on this road … with me.
I promised you I would tell you how a mother’s grief really is, as it happened. I have kept my promise, just as I’ll always write about the grief as it happens through time. Write about it … as it changes.
I’m glad to … be at this stage in my grief. I can live now … I can smile, laugh, truly feel happiness … now. It’s wonderful to do this … without feeling … such guilt.
My blog was born out of grief for my son. Thank-God, I had it to go to … truthfully, I would have never made it this far … if I hadn’t had an outlet. Thank-God, I found a way to let the river of pain … flow out as it tried to destroy me. Thank-God, all of you have been there these past four years … encouraging, caring about me.
There was a time after Tommy died … I did almost die. Skip stopped that from happening. There is a powerful medicine that was given to me … I’m not used to taking such medicine …
I couldn’t remember taking it … I didn’t realize I was taking it … each time I woke up. I’ve never taken drugs … and this was the most powerful medicine I ever met up with.
I wasn’t aware Skip was watching me, worrying about me … dying. He broke through my grief to make me realize I almost died. He stood watching me … he told me he couldn’t hear me breathe, barely see me breathing. He was very afraid for me.
After several weeks … I began to go the grief ‘all by myself’. I never took medicine again. I met that ‘damn grief … head on’. I was in another world … one that was foggy, stormy, dark … scary.
I’ve never known such horrible … storms … in my life. This ship … stood in the wind … battered as hell … but, I’m still here.
I do remember this … people say the ‘damnest things’ … thinking it helped me. I stayed away from them … they thought my son was ‘in a better place’ … In a better place? He didn’t want to die to go to a ‘better place’.
I didn’t feel comfort from those words … in fact, it made me angry … inside, though … I knew people were well-meaning. They’d heard that all their life … and they encountered a situation when that was … all they knew to say. I know … if it had been their child … those words were be last ones they would want to hear … they just hadn’t been in that situation … yet.
Today, the thoughts in my mind have been … sort of like when you want to go back in the past … try to move things out of your way … so, you can see what happened. I try to do that in my mind … go back to see, remember those three years I’ve lost, grieving for my child.
I think I’m stronger now … I want to know. You know more from my writing what happened … than what I … remember. Those of you who have faithfully followed me for the whole time … have meant the world to me.
It’s strange how ‘threes’ have played a part in my life. Three years of the worst grief I’ve ever known. Three years of battling cancer (non-Hodgkin lymphoma) to live. Three seems to be an important number in my life.
I give a person ‘normally’ … three chances to do right with me. After the third time … that’s it. I stay nice … but, I don’t forget … never. I smile …
I could go on, I won’t. I’m sure you also, have a limit in your life with ‘how much you’ll put up with’. If you don’t … you just as well lay down on the floor with your rugs … act like one so, people can physically … step on you. It all hurts … just as bad.
Today … the sky is gray, cloudy. I’m sure they influenced my thoughts as I wrote. I can imagine if the sunshine had been out … I would have written on a lighter note. These seem to be my thoughts for today … for a few minutes … at least 🙂
You know I’m not a gloomy person … I know that no matter how bad things get, are … one way or the other … everything’s going to be alright. It always is … I know this for a fact.
I’ve had many, many bad things in my life … somehow, though sometimes, it takes time … everything finally became … alright.
I don’t think many of us can go through a lifetime without seeing dark colors in our life. The good thing is there are many … shades of colors in life.
I hope to see many, many colors in my life, at this stage. I would like to know many good things, experience many good things, hear many good things… feel them all. I would love to see many good things happen in everyone’s life …
I would love to hear about them … I love for my Heart to be touched.
It’s the tears of joy that bother me … they wet my face … make my nose stuffy, hard to breathe … make my Heart feel like a big fireplace that only burns brighter, happier like another log’s been thrown on it … when I hear of good things … happening to you.
I do know what happiness feels like (I’m so happy, now) … happiness feels good … happy :)! I wish it for you, too. Happiness feels good! So, if that means being a ‘goody two-shoes’ … so, be it!