I Want to Know How that Feels Again … Before I Die


I Want to Know How that Feels Again … Before I Die

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/aka GeeGranny

 

Well … I went to the doctor yesterday.  When I was weighed, I found out I’d lost 7 more lbs.  I’m so proud of that … but, it sure isn’t easy to do!

I have been keeping a food journal for the past month.  I mean I write everything … really everything I eat … drink.  Do you know what?  It’s hard to hide what one eats when you keep a food journal.

I noticed as time went by that I began to change my eating habits.  I have been eating non-fat, sugar-free foods.  I also, am eating smaller portions.

 

The one thing I am very proud of is … I haven’t drank a carbonated drink in a month.  Truthfully, I had cut down to only one Diet Pepsi a day for months prior to dieting.  So … before I knew it … I had come this far and I haven’t missed drinking one!  It’s amazing.

My mind is on wearing smaller clothes, dressing pretty as I once did.  There’s no way … I’m only saying this about myself so, don’t take it personal if you are overweight … I could look so pretty in clothes right now.  Well, I know I can look neat, and okay … I mean the way I have in my mind’s eye the way I want to look.

Being ‘older’ … doesn’t mean someone is going to give up, cut off all their hair and get a tight perm, dress in ‘old’ clothes.  Hell no … that’s not for me.  I don’t knock it for anyone else … I’m just not going to do it.

I feel I’ve missed a lot of years on my life from battling cancer, grieving the loss of family members, the loss of everything in a house fire … the worse, the loss of my son.  I’ve been through so much shock, pain, grief.

I want some of those years back … and I’m taking them back.  I laid claim to them a month ago.  I’ve lived with myself since 1998 … in so many ‘bad’ states of mind.  Years have gone by without me realizing it.

I’ve thought about weight-loss surgery.  I may or may not do that.  Time will tell.  I don’t know that I would ever discuss it ‘if’ I did that.  It’s an option.  I’ve been studying this for the past couple of years … watching, listening until I’m very familiar with it.  So, there’s no need to tell me not to, or what the risks are … if I decide to do it … I already know.  I have support if I decide to do it.

For now, the weight is coming off slowly.  The food journal makes me accountable for what I eat during the day.  It wouldn’t be any fun to have to write down ‘a lot’ of bad foods I’ve eaten … I couldn’t bear it.  So, I have to be careful of the portions, and what I eat.

I drink a lot of water throughout each day.  That’s so good for everyone, not just me.  We all need 64 oz. water every day.  I just simply drink all through the day.  I drink a lot of decaf … unsweet tea, also.  I drink one cup of decaf coffee with a little cream each morning.

 

I have a plastic tub with sweaters inside … new, beautiful sweaters that I bought over the years.  I never wore them because when putting them on … I felt ‘too fat’.  I’m excited now … when it gets cold, I will begin pulling them out.

I know there are others who are on this road in their life … who want to lose weight.  Like me … they probably have a ton of smaller clothes in their closet they can’t wear.  All because of gaining weight.

I gave a ‘closet of clothes’ away one month ago.  I meant not to ever wear the big clothes again.  I have a few clothes left so, I have to lose weight.

I messed up one time this month … almost went back to being the same old way … accepting being overweight … accepting eating what I wanted … accepting I would grow into an over-weight, old woman one day.

 

I looked around me when being out at the people who have gone that path.  I can’t do it … I just can’t do it.  I didn’t see any happy expressions on anyone’s face.  I could tell the extra weight made them feel self-aware, made them feel awful.

Do you notice I don’t speak in a ‘bad’ way about people being overweight … me being overweight?  I try not to.  I understand how it feels to need to lose weight.  I know better … I used to be the ‘perfect’ weight … somehow, I got lost along the way.  I see I’m not the only one.

I would be the last person to tell someone to lose weight.  Why?  Because I know I don’t have to tell them ‘what they already know’.  I know they know … I am, have been one of them.  Being overweight is always in my mind almost every moment of the day.

I wish everyone well who is on this same path I’m on.  I have lost enough weight now … to make me feel very excited about the future.  I know I want more of this good feeling.  🙂  I can’t change that I’m getting old, but … I can change how I feel, look.

 

Note by this Author:

 

Since the summer until today … I have lost 28 lbs since the summer.  It hasn’t been easy at all.  The truth is … at least for me …  food makes me fat.  Snacking makes me fat … eating whatever, whenever makes me fat.

Do you know how hard that was to admit?  Food … too much of … makes me fat.  In today’s time … oh my, when out and about … I can’t believe all the people I see now, who are fat.  It makes it easy to just let go and be like everyone else.  No one will lack for company today.

I am getting older, and I want to know once again how it feels to get into pretty clothes again … look pretty again.  I told Skip that I want to know how that feels again … before I get old, and die.

Photos/true story owned, written by me … Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny.

I am Still Standing Tall …


I am Still Standing Tall …

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

 

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

Fall is here once again.  It’s my most favorite time of the year.  I love fall colors.  Warm orange, red, gold, green, yellow, brown leaves blowing in the nippy air!

I know, I know … I’m a little ahead of myself.  Fall is only ‘just here’ … we’ve only felt a little nippy air so far.  Well, it was enough to make me feel very happy!  I love Fall!

I love to dress in warm clothing to ward off the cold.  This year is going to be so much more fun.  Why?  Losing weight makes all the difference in how I will feel, dress.  Did I say I look forward to Fall?

I love the festivals, State Fair, holidays that are on the way.  Yes, I am still sad over the loss of Tommy, my son … my only child.  I have come so far in my grief … thank God.  It’s been the hardest journey in my life to get through.

I’m glad to be … this far … up the road.  In the past year I have found peace inside.  How did I do it?  I don’t know if I know how to tell you.

I will say that I have met my grief head-on, never backing down from it.  I have fought it like a bear, giving it all I had.  I have cried an ocean of tears … lived in darkness not wanting to live knowing my only child had died.

I have been hell …. I have lived in hell inside myself.  I have fought Hell to be here, today.  Everything is going to be alright … now.  It really is.  I can live now.  I can speak, think of Tommy without crying … now.

I have written thousands of words full of my grief.  I published a 700-plus page book of my grief.  When I’m gone … the book will be here to remember Tommy.  The golden-wire and beaded dragonflies will be ‘everywhere’ to remember Tommy by.  They are the dragonflies I make by hand … leave for others to find.

I truly look forward to the holidays this year.  I’ll be able to smile, be able to be happy.  I haven’t been able to do that since Tommy died … and not being able to see my grandchildren.  I’ve coped with so much … now, everything is in place in my mind … and life is good.

If I never see my grandchildren again … I can be alright now.  I’ve had to cope with them as if they are gone, also.  I had no choice.  I have to live … I want to live.  I’m going to live.

I’m like a huge redwood tree.  I’ve weathered many terrible storms.  I am still standing strong.

 

 

Note by this author:

Life has been very rocky my whole life.  Like the redwood tree … I’ve come through many storms.  It’s time for the sunshine to shine down on me with its golden, beautiful light.  I will welcome it.

Story/photo owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

Unzipping the Fat Girl to Let the Slim Girl Out!


Unzipping the Fat Girl to Let the Slim Girl Out!

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

Getting back to the size I used to be  … fat girl trying to hold me inside … not let me out!  🙂

 

 

Well … I think a lot of you are wondering about my losing weight adventure.  I will tell you truthfully … it was good, then it was Hell.  I can’t tell you how hard it’s been.

 

I started out with quite the mind-set.  At that time, I knew I was going to drop the pounds quickly, easily.  Well, at that particular time I was right.  That was a few months ago at least.  I was losing good.

 

A month of doing well went by … then like always … that crucial time of losing weight … hit.  This is when you taste something and the next thing you know … you are beginning to eat ‘everything’ once again.  This happened to me.  I gained 3 of the 25 pounds lost … back!  They felt awful … I could actually feel them.

 

Somehow … your mind has the magical ability to ‘forget’ that you have been eating healthy … you have been doing the right thing.  This time I paid close attention to myself while I went into ‘self-destruction mode’.

 

I watched myself … and it was at that time I was facing two paths in my life … either go down the one of unhappiness of staying overweight for the rest of my life … or get my ass back on the feel-good road of losing weight.  Well … I wanted both paths …

 

 

Not only that … I didn’t know if I could go back to working on making the weight come off.  I didn’t know if I felt like it.  My determination, fighting spirit kicked in … yes, I am going to lose this weight if it’s the last thing I do!  The rest of my years aren’t going to be looking into a mirror at a fat girl I don’t want to see.

 

So, I’ve begun doing something I imagine in my mind.  I’m unzipping that fat girl and I am climbing out!  🙂

 

I actually was in a battle with me, myself … and I!  It was Hell … I’m telling you it was pure Hell.  I was fighting the fat me for … the me who is really to get out of my fat person’s body.  All Hell broke loose!  I won’t even try to describe all of the battle.

 

I did a terrible thing … no one likes to admit such things.  I will because I think there are some people like me who battle weight every day of their lives.  If one doesn’t speak truthfully about such things … then, they need to keep their mouths shut.  I will tell you.

 

I began making myself throw-up … then, ran to brush my teeth, gargle … wash my face, put on moisturizer, comb my hair to be fresh again.  I did this as a young person if I dared to gain over several pounds!  No, it’s not good to do this … it’s dangerous, unhealthy.  Don’t do it … ever!

 

Do you know ‘what’ made me do that?  Pure damn white-hot anger at myself.  Because I was thinking … here my ass goes again thinking it’s going to just eat anything I want … and my eyes aren’t going to acknowledge I’m still fat.  Hell no-ooooooooooooooooo!

 

I vowed to myself that I was going to ‘punish my ass’ every damn time I began eating too much.  Everyone loves the taste of good food … I don’t deny it …  I love wonderful flavors, aromas, good foods.

 

How many times have I done this since I became … overweight?  So many that I can’t even bear to think of them.  I don’t suggest to anyone to ‘punish’ themselves by throwing up.  I am just being honest … and hope I never-ever do it again.  Desperation … meaning to get past the bad time I was having are the whys I did it.  Still doesn’t make it a right way to do it.

 

Losing weight is a bitch … I’m telling it like it is.  It isn’t easy.  If you know someone who is trying to lose weight … show a little compassion … your ass could be fat one day.

 

I have gotten to see many people who laughed, made fun of someone overweight … get fatter than Hell.  It served their asses right … now, they can’t help but, to know how it feels.

 

I know how it feels and my size used to be ‘perfect’.  I never-ever laughed, made fun of anyone for being overweight.  I never made fun of anyone for anything.  Making fun of someone … really hurts people.  I had my share as a little innocent girl.  I see some of those very people … if I had known as a child … their words would have never hurt me.

 

I would like to tell you that for the past 13 days I’ve been doing well.  I chose the feel-good path … why?  Because each morning it feels good to sit up on the side of the bed, smile … go look in the mirror and see a positive difference.  I’m eating just like I should … I’m very proud of myself.

 

Another thing I’ve succeeded in doing … cutting out all carbonated beverages … can you believe it?  How in the world did I manage to do that?  🙂

 

Also, I am going to decaffeinated coffee and tea as soon as what we have … is used up.

 

Not only that … this is a mission I am on and I mean … to accomplish it.  If I even try to slide … there’s going to be one hell of a battle once again.  I have some more cards up my sleeve.

 

I mean to win this battle … I’m going to feel good, look good for the rest of my life.  I’m tired of being a fat, dumpy, frumpy fat girl when I know … what I can be … once again.  🙂

 

So, let’s hope I’m not in that battle again … that fat girl tried to zip me up in the fat body forever … it was all I could do to pull me back out halfway.  I can’t go back!  I’m still … unzipping the fat girl to let me out!

 

 

 

Note by this Author:

 

Losing weight is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.  I keep seeing in my mind myself as a slim person once again.  I mean to succeed.

I look forward to letting go of the ‘fat clothes’ … I am looking forward to being on a new road … journey in my life.  It’s me who has control to make it happen.  I’ll keep everyone posted.  🙂

Why do I write about it?  I know there are people who need to read real life … I need to read it … it’s hard to find.  I like to know how things really feel … don’t you?  Don’t you wonder if others go through what you do?  If they suffer things you do?  Don’t you always hope to find answers?  I’m no different than you.  🙂

Photos/true story are both owned by me … #Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter.

I Burned A Major Bridge Behind Me … There’s No Turning Back


I Burned a Major Bridge Behind Me … There’s No Turning Back

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

 

 

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny gee … size 8-9 … it sure felt good to be little … I never forgot 🙂

 

 

 

Well … I did something I never thought I would do.  I can’t believe I’m not upset yet … about it.  So, that means I won’t be getting upset.  I have burned a bridge behind me, one that I can’t go back on.

I got rid of almost all my clothes this weekend.  So many still had price tags on them, so many never worn … some worn only a few times.  Why?

Because my weight has been like a yo-yo … up and down constantly.  I gain it, I lose it … I gain it.  I am an expert on … gaining weight.  I used to lose it easily … the older one gets, it seems to get harder to lose.

I am keeping my mind on my photos when I was little … it felt so wonderful.  I look forward!  🙂

 

 

I’ve lost 20 lbs … I am fighting to keep them off.  I want to go on to lose this excess weight.  It really feels good to feel thinner … I want to go back to a size 9-10, and I will succeed.  My mind is set on it. I mean to lose it … so, it will happen.

I’ve never-ever had so few clothes, shoes!  My closet is completely empty, excepting the shelves have some pretty shoes lined up.  My handbags, scarves, and such are hanging pretty.  I have a few dressy clothes hanging up.  They will have to do until I’ve dropped a significant amount of weight … only then, will I allow myself to get anything new.

I did begin to panic one time, but stopped.  I bet you wondered what I did with all those nice clothes. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.  I’ll tell you, anyway.

I took them to a flea market … anyone that wanted to buy them I told them I was selling each blouse, pants for $2.00 each.  No one could believe it …. a lot of my clothes were name-brand.  Many had tags hanging on them where I’d gained weight … never got to wear them!

I am looking forward to being this little again … my photos of being small inspire me!  🙂

 

 

 

I still had a ‘ton’ of clothes when it came time to leave, plus a beautiful winter coat that Skip got for me just before Tommy died.  I never wore it much, he gave $150.00 for it.

 

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Beautiful Coat Skip got for me … I gave it to the woman yesterday!  🙂

 

 

Well, earlier a woman came and bought a lot of things from me.  I saw her, called her over.  Do you know what I did?  Yes, you are right?  That’s like me to do that!

I gave her all those beautiful clothes, and not only that!  I gave her a very tall box of … beautiful shoes, in all styles, and colors.

Was she happy?  Yes!  Was I happy?  When I saw her expression … yes!  I know I would love to be given such nice things!  Wouldn’t that be fun, amazing all at the same time?  I was excited for her!  🙂 Oh … I gave her that beautiful coat, too!  I was so happy because I had made her happy.  I know it sounds strange … I am like that.

I can’t wait to lose this weight!  I look very forward to taking photos with ‘too big’ clothes!  🙂

 

 

When I can afford to, and have lost a significant amount of weight … I will replace my clothes.  Am I panicking?  I’m amazed … no, I’m not.

Now … this is why I did it.  I have decided that I’m not living the rest of my life overweight.  I love being small too much to ruin the rest of my life with excess weight.  I … lost myself … when my only child, my son Tommy, died.  I am finding … me … again.  I don’t even want to be ‘pleasingly plump’.

I mean not to be ‘fat’ anymore.  I can’t turn back now … I have no more ‘fat clothes’ to run to … and I can’t afford to buy big clothes again!  🙂

I’ve burned a major bridge behind me … there’s no turning back.

 

I’m on a new road in my life … one that I knew years ago … I can’t wait to be little again.  🙂

 

 

 

Note by this Author:

This is very true, and just happened.  I’m not panicking over not having many clothes!  I’ve never had so few … not only that … I would have to gain weight to wear them!  I’ve come too far to do that.

I’m going to be small again … I’m excited.  Even if I didn’t have many clothes ever again, I’d be happy to be slender.  🙂

Photos of me are owned by me … story written, owned by me … Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee