Lord, I’m Standing Up Again …


Lord, I’m Standing Up Again …

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

 

 

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

 

The waves are battering me again trying to break me apart

I’m tossed, thrown on the sea to sink … only to rise

I tighten up … another Life’s storm comes for me

The wind … darkness … all vicious in its might

Try to destroy me … sink me to the pits of the unknown

I’m afraid … I pray for help … in the meantime I don’t give up

I hold my ground … stand up straight … I focus ahead

My hands brush the sand off my ass from where I fell

Life just threw me down once again

Stay down … stay down this time, Life roars at me

Hell no!  I try to rise, being pushed down the whole time

Tears flow down my cheeks … anger, pain soar through my mind, body

I’m not staying down even if I have to crawl

I’m like the redwood tree … scarred from many battles

I’ve stood through the years beaten, worn

I’m broken, beaten … not pretty to look at anymore

Doesn’t matter … all I worry about now

Is to survive … live until I die

My way has been hard … never easy

Each road I’ve taken has lead to pain

In my old age I would love to know peace, comfort

Know how it feels not to suffer physically, have mental pain

Be able to smile and not hide anything … smile because

For once everything really is alright

Grow old gracefully … feeling joy in my Heart

Having enough so, I can share

Doing good things for others in need

The wind has been knocked out of me

The love of my life almost died

I almost lost another part of my whole world

Oh God, I cried … please don’t take him away

He’s all I have … my Husband, our two Pups

They make up my whole world

You took my son, my only child

I’ve never questioned why

I learned to accept I’ll never see him again

I never hated you, God

I never cursed you, screamed at you for taking him away

I cried, stayed in darkness … I just couldn’t bear losing my son

You took every member of my family away

All the ones I truly loved … now, they are gone

All I have left is my whole world

Please let us have many good years

Good years where we can live in peace, not know more pain

Let us experience true happiness … instead of sadness

Lord, I am standing up once again

Please don’t let Life knock me down again

Give me a chance to know peace, happiness while I live

Please let a miracle come into my Life

Let me have a chance to do good things I’ve wished to do

There are people I want to help, bring some joy into their life

Please give me the chance to experience joy

Joy of being able to have in order to give

Let me be a part of that wonderful feeling

Let my Heart soar with happiness

Knowing I’ve done well, made a difference

Let me do special things from my Heart

Most of all … keep me strong for my Husband

Help him through his illness to get better

Thank you, Lord, for letting him live

Each day he slowly gets better

I go forward even while I’m afraid

Lord, I’m standing once again … please don’t let Life knock me down

 

 

Note by this Author:

My husband, Skip, has been gravely ill.  He suffered a stroke, his heart almost stopped.  He has a pacemaker implanted now in his chest. He has diabetic neuropathy, diabetes.  He is a cancer survivor (colon cancer).  He won’t be able to work again.

Our life has completely changed … we’ve begun a new journey in our life … we are facing the unknown.  I pray that as we go forward … all will be good in the rest of our life.

Photos/my poem owned, written by me … Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

 

 

I Had Lost My … Self


 

I Had Lost My … Self

 

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

 

I found ‘myself’ for a moment here … in the mirror.  See my happy smile!  Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

Well … I’m a middle-aged woman. It came sooner than I knew. Of course, there have been at least six to ten years in my life of life-threatening illness, and the loss of my son … that numbed me to life.

So, I don’t count those years in my age. That’s right … it’s not fair to add those years to my age … I don’t remember living them. Isn’t it amazing to be … so, in another world, you can’t remember life?

That means things in life were so … bad. Fighting a battle to live from disease, illness… fighting a battle to live when one of your most loved ones … dies … your very own child.

There’s no way you can imagine such, if you … yourself, have never experienced it. You might say you do, because ‘so and so’ in my family is sick, or going through such. There’s no way you know … unless ‘it’s you’ … who go through it all.

Can you imagine ‘waking up one day’ … to ‘look for yourself’? This would sound strange to you if you’ve … never done it. Imagine being in a coma … you know nothing for months, years … you wake up to life … and you begin living it … becoming aware of life again.

You become interested in being a person again … you look in the mirror … you don’t ‘know the person in the mirror’. You begin to ‘look for yourself’ in the mirror each time you go to it.

Once in a while, you might ‘see a hint of the self … you remember’. Oh, what a wonderful feeling that is! ‘There’s you’!

I’ve done this twice in my entire life. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I would run, grab my smartphone … take a photo of ‘me’! The sad thing is … sometimes, ‘me’ disappeared before I could get the photo.

Then, I would see a person in the mirror … I didn’t recognize. I had lost ‘my … self’.

 

One Doesn’t Have To Do Anything … In Darkness


 

One Doesn’t Have To Do Anything … In Darkness

 

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

 

 

Darkness … soft darkness. Mama! Mama, please tuck the blanket around my ears like you did when I was a little girl.

Yes, I ate something. Hearing Skip’s voice asking me had I eaten while he was at work. I didn’t know if I had or not … I didn’t know anything… it didn’t matter. Yes, was my answer.

So cold, I need more blankets. Turn the air-conditioner off. I shivered under my thick layer of blankets in … 100 degree heat.

Itching … in the soft darkness, I constantly itched. I’m not sure if I scratched or not. I wasn’t aware … these were symptons of … cancer … non-Hodgkins lymphoma.

I got up out of the darkness, to shower. Time to go to get chemotherapy. I was dressing … having a hard time doing so. Very weak, could hardly stand. I was still … independent … I’d do it myself. It was my will … to fight.

Skip walked into bedroom. His expression changed … I’d never seen such shock on his face as I did that day. It reached me in the state I was in.

I looked at him, asked what was wrong. I knew it had to do with me. I had lost so much weight in a short time (another symptom of cancer) … of course, I didn’t know it, I was too sick. I wore loose-fitting gowns, so … he hadn’t noticed.

In just weeks, I had lost probably fifty pounds, and I was … thin. I had wanted to lose weight ‘before’ … at this time, I didn’t think about it. Weight … what is weight? It’s unimportant …

I am alone in the house … I wanted to get up, go outside in the sunshine. Holding on to the wall, door … managed to get to back door.

Hard to open the door, my hands are like … rubber … from the chemotherapy drugs. I don’t consciously think of this at that time. I wanted to go outside …

Standing on the back porch … the sunshine blinded me. My eyes are blurred … tears fill them. I can’t see well through the medicinal fog I was in. I saw my hoe near the porch … I loved to plant flowers.

I wanted to hold the hoe in my hands. I made my way to the edge of the porch, my hands reach out to get the hoe. Oh my … oh! The hoe felt awful in my hands! It felt … alien. I couldn’t bear to hold the handle … it … hurt. I let go of it.

My hands had become weaken, so ‘unused’ to holding things. I couldn’t hold any weight. Things felt … rough to my very smooth hands. They weren’t used to doing anything … one doesn’t have to do anything … in darkness.

………………………………………………

Photo/Story Credit: are owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

All I wrote here, is true. I was trying to give you an idea of being near death … not conscious of it … the darkness … awareness of things once taken for granted … the strangeness, later (the hoe).

I shared just a few conscious moments in time when I was very sick, fighting my battle to live from cancer. My battle lasted over three years. I thought it was the worse thing I’d ever had to live through in my life … until … my son, Tommy, died.

 

I know what it’s like to live in darkness … there’s nothing to do there … but, ‘be’.  By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

Let’s Do This Thing…


Let’s Do This Thing

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

I smile when I cry for you

Smile to let you know it’s alright

You don’t have to feel bad

 

Don’t have to feel bad that you hurt me

We have to do what we have to do

I want to live… I don’t have time to waste

 

Give me that injection, no… don’t you cry

Because it hurts me, I have to bear it

Bear it because… I have no choice

 

Tears roll down your cheeks touching my heart

Because you care that you hurt me

Tears roll down my cheeks because I care that you… hurt

 

So, I smile so, you can see I’m going to be alright

No matter the pain… it’s not your fault

Doing a blood gas is going to hurt no matter what

 

Don’t you cry now… what did you say?

You cry because … I’m so brave?

Oh no… I’m not so brave… I just know I have to do this

 

Do this if I want to live… I can’t waste any time

So, come on … let’s do this thing

We’ll cry, hurt together… let’s do this thing

________________________________________

 

Note by Author:

 

I was thinking back to the time the lady who was giving me a blood gas when I was getting ready for surgery… my heart hurt for her.  This was a few years ago… I am fine, now.  :))))) Gloria

HOW DO I KNOW WHEN TO CALL 911?


English: The illustration shows the major sign...

English: The illustration shows the major signs and symptoms of heart failure. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

HOW DO I KNOW WHEN TO CALL 911… BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/ aka GRANNY GEE

She sat there, the light seemed dim. Am I alright she wondered? She felt light-headed, weak. Suppose I’m dying and no one knows?

She imagined her cell phone ringing, all the while she lay near it not able to answer it. She wanted to reach for it, she didn’t have the strength.

Her head felt strange, her eyes were open, she felt the need to close them. She did close them gently and sank into the cocoon of soft … clouds in her mind. Oh, how so nice, she thought.

She felt herself become strong again, opened her eyes. Try to move, get up….. from the floor she reached for the chair. Moving her arm, touching the chair she felt hope… I’m not dying. Her head hurt.

She pulled herself up, she sat on her knees for a moment to rest. Her head rested on her chest, eyes closed. I feel so weak, she thought. She began pulling herself up to her feet, held onto the chair until she felt stable enough to sit down.

Her head felt strange, she felt faint again. Do I need to call 911, she wondered? How do I know when I should call 911? Maybe it’s all my imagination, I could be causing such a fuss for no reason.

She sat there, laid her head on her arms on the table close by. I feel so bad, I feel like sleeping. Suppose I did sleep .. forever? She kept her eyes open… she no longer wanted to go to sleep. Feel better! Feel better!

She did close her eyes, she felt such fatigue. She relaxed into the soft cocoon of clouds.. she began to breathe softly.. she had gone to sleep.

She awoke some time later…she looked around before moving her head. I didn’t die so, why did I feel so bad?

Her next thought was…. how do I know when to call 911?

NOTE:

JUST A SHORT STORY…. BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/aka GRANNY … MAY 2012

This is based on an actual experience I had some time ago when home alone… I didn’t fall to the floor though! Imagination put that there.

Also, some years ago I went into congested heart failure… there weren’t any noticeable symptoms (but, looking back I did have a little cough that I thought was allergy-related……. at the rescue building the guy heard the cough, felt my ankles and immediately went into action).

The next thing I know was panicking… I couldn’t breathe… I began fighting to breathe. I couldn’t see but, I could hear the siren as the rescue vehicle raced to the hospital.

I remember Randy, I knew him from working at the hospital… he was on the EMS. I remember seeing him and he told me as I fought to breathe … everything’s going to be alright… he asked me if I wanted to hold his hand (something I did a ‘million’ times to patients when I worked at the hospital emergency room registering patients).

I tried to hold it, I have always hoped I didn’t hurt his hand because I entered another path in my life… the Struggle To Live path.

Thankfully … I am here … I did win. Thank- you, Randy if you ever have occasion to read this…. I hope I didn’t hurt your hand… I couldn’t breathe and forgot it was there.

I can’t help but, to think of all the times when I’ve been deathly ill… of all the hands that reached out for my hand to comfort, help me. I think of all the kind people, words that were said to me over and over every time I’ve been hospitalized, or in treatment, doctor visits.

I really believe it ‘came back to me from all the times I reached out in my years working around sick people’… I really believe if you do good, it comes back.

In my case, I felt (so did Skip)… that angels had been placed on my path to help me as I went slowly along it. I was amazed at the compassion I saw in their eyes… I was touched by nurses, some of my doctors down to the housekeeping staff …. as sick as I was… sometimes I reached out to comfort them… when they cried for me… strangely enough some of my caretakers did cry.

‘Who am I’? Yes, I was amazed that strangers ‘cried for me’……. my heart could feel that love when I was the weakest in my life, the closest to dying. To this day I wonder this… ‘who in the world was I…. for people to care about me like that’?

Then… I remembered when I worked around patients… I would cry silent tears for them because I cared so , so much for what they were experiencing, what their bodies went/was going through to be brought to the emergency room. All I saw there… made a lasting impression on me to this day.

It’s so strange when I look back… I got to ‘see how it felt to be treated’ like I treated other people when I worked at the hospital. I think it wise to remember that how you treat others ‘comes back to you’… it did tenfold to me.

I have felt like the above… always wonder ‘is this my imagination’? The night I went into congestive heart failure… I also, wondered… I had nothing to go on to tell me I was going to die… excepting a calm feeling came over me, a ‘voice’ telling me this… ‘if I don’t get to the hospital, I’m going to die’.

It was that calm, and ‘it was my voice telling me that’. How did I ‘know’? How did I ‘know’ I was going to die?

It was only minutes later, I was fighting for my life. I pay close attention to feeling like the above story I wrote… but, then… again, how do I know when to call 911?