Friends are People You Add to Your Family


Friends are People You Add to Your Family …

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

 

 

 

 

 

If only he would do this … or do that.  I know she is a good person, but … she won’t do right.  I wonder why, I wonder why that.

Does it matter when it comes to having friends?  Does it really matter if they do ‘like you want them to do or … not’?  I mean, think about it.  Does it?

I know we sometimes, get frustrated because our friends keep making the same old mistakes … do the same old things.  Damn, won’t they ever learn?

You worry about them … sometimes, you feel angry at them because ‘they done gone and done it again’!  Then you think … well, if they don’t learn from the past … they deserve it.  Then … you go back to worrying about them.

Why do you worry?  Why do you care?  Because real friends aren’t easy to come by.  When you have real friends, you truly treasure them.  Not only that, you want the very best for them so, you don’t have to worry about them.

Have you ever stopped to think … they worry about you, too?  They wonder … why … you make the same old mistakes.  They wonder … if you will ever learn from past mistakes.

Why in the world are you friends to begin with?  Because … friends accept each other just as they are … love them.  There’s something about them that endears them to your Heart.

Doesn’t matter what they look like … how they dress.  Doesn’t matter if their way of talking isn’t polished … or they say cuss words every other word.  What matter is … you know you care about them and … the feeling is mutual.  That’s having a real friend.

You don’t pick a friend to only want to change them later.  Friends are special … only that one person can be the person they are.  Real friends are rare.  If you made yourself look at ‘all your friends’ … really made yourself open your eyes … you would know I’m telling the truth.

I can look back through time at the ‘friends’ I had.  I remember ‘pure loving them’ only to find out that they wanted everything I had … including my home, husband, child.  They didn’t care about me … but damn!  they did a good job of convincing me.  Being young, naive didn’t help.

I promise I learned my lessons each time they ‘bit me in the ass’.  Once in a while … I did have to repeat to learn … it wasn’t pleasant. Life can sure be painful … in my life … so much of the time.

I would love for my life to be pleasant the rest of my days … for many years.  I would just like to know how it felt to have only happiness without so much grief, pain.  Many people do … only once in a while they have to cope with painful things.

Friends … real friends … I have less than the fingers on one hand.  I treasure them.  I hope they are as real as I am.  I don’t have friends for the sake of having friends.  I have lots of public friends online … out and about.  I find I really care about them, but … I don’t expect them to feel the same toward me.

After all … the only thing required to be ‘public friends’ is … when you have an encounter … you just meet, greet each other with the biggest smiles … talk loudly at how good it is to see them.  Anyone looking would think how wonderful it is to have friends … like that.

Well … it is wonderful to have friends … like that.  They mean a lot, also.  There is genuine liking a lot of the time … but, you don’t want to be around each other for long … it gets tiresome trying to hold the smiles in places.  I know you know what I mean … don’t say you don’t!

I treasure my few real friends.  I also, treasure my public friends who make me feel special.  I just try not to ‘stay around for long’ … so, they can always like me … and most important … so, that I can always … like them.

After all … friends are the people you add to your family.  Since I don’t have family left that I’m close to … my friends mean the world to me.

 

 

Note by this Author:

Photo/article owned, written by me … Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

 

Crazy Ass Thoughts We Don’t Usually Talk About …


Crazy Ass Thoughts We Don’t Usually Talk About …

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeTwitter @ Twitter

 

 

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

Sometimes … when writing a story, article, post on something … I get Facebook Friend Requests.  I check them out each time because … of the timing, the way the person’s Facebook account has just been created … I would be their first friend.

Too strange … I just go on to check them out … and of course … I DON’T confirm a friendship unless for a short time … when I have a reason.

This is always a man … with handsome photos of him … sometimes, he is holding a child.  Now, why in the world would a man with no friends … want to request a friendship with me?  Why … would I be his first friend?

Especially … after he’s just read about my husband, Pups?  Especially after … if I do confirm the friendship long enough to check out more … what kind of friendship someone wants.

Sometimes … that person turns out to be female.  Someone who wants to get on my Facebook Friends to sit there … in my Facebook House … eat Facebook Potato Chips to watch my Facebook Life.

Whether you know it or not … you are bound to have at least one or more … doing that on your Facebook.  I still do … they just don’t know I have a Facebook Eye on them.

I don’t play games with men.  Oh … especially … if I tell that person that I’m married … he goes on to ignore that, hopes to know me, and such.  I can’t believe how some times … a man will just ignore me when saying they want to know me better … I say I’m happily married, and I don’t play games online.  I don’t wait to see what they say … because I delete/deny/unfriend the request.

Does the man think I’m weak because I write real life?  Does he think I don’t have anyone?  Does he think I’m someone that could be molded easily?  Does he think I am a doormat?

Does he think I’ve suffered so much pain that it has made me so weak?  If so … what a terrible mistake that would be.  I’ve become only stronger … wiser.  I will do this until the day I die.

The worst mistake would be to think I’m weak.  The next mistake would be to even think I would play games online with a man … or a … woman.

When I communicate with a male online … I’m very respectful.  I care about people … I don’t play games with anyone.  When I say something to a male online … all is in a good way.

I treasure my male friends … the ones I communicate with … are most respectful, and I know they are sincere people.  If they are married they aren’t afraid to mention their wives, girlfriends.  In fact, they are proud of them.  I love that.

If someone is single … they aren’t interested in silly stuff … they seem to treasure a real friendship just as I do.  No man ever has to worry that I … would want to be friends in a bad way.  All I do online is sincere … I’m a good person … I’m a sincere person.

No one … even females that play games … need to play games online with me.  I’ve been around too long … I will catch it.  I have caught some … they never knew it … I watch them for long periods of time in hopes … I’m wrong.  That’s online … and … in real life.

I always make Skip aware of anything that isn’t right.  All I do online is good, clean … and … not secretive.  I don’t hide anything I do … the whole world can know it … I truly don’t care.  Do I have secrets … just like you … yes, and … I’ll never tell them in this life.

Are those secrets that important?  Yes … and No … but, they are secrets 🙂  I can keep a secret … only people who know me … truly know that.  So … don’t tell me something … if you hope I will go tell everyone … it goes no farther.  I go on to forget about it.

I can see some crazy stuff, a wreck, something off the wall … just something that everyone would rush to tell someone else … I don’t.  I forget it until something reminds me of it again.  When I worked in the hospital where confidentiality was important … I never told people’s medical information … never.

I saw, heard people who did … the local people who worked in the hospital would call at first chance to their friends, say … “I got something to tell you but … you can’t tell anyone”!

They would go on to add … “If you tell anyone … don’t use my name”!   Then … they’d tell them about old Suzy Harrison who lives down the road … saying, ‘Guess what she has … she’s got gonorrhea”!

“Old Jon Brown down the road had done knocked up little Eleanor Sightseer”! “Samson Golightly has had a stroke”!

You know how those people are … they are going to keep up the gossip on their neighbors … because … isn’t that what all good neighbors do?

I knew a lot of … good neighbors at work when I worked.  You know the ones who are the backbone of the community … pillars of salt … the ones who would never-ever do anything wrong … the best Christians who are perfect.  You know them … hellfire, you might be one of them.

How do you feel inside?  Not good if someone confronted you … you’d jump up and down while screaming, ‘No!  I would never do such a thing’!  Liar … that’s what I say.

You are a … liar.  I see, hear things no one else pays attention to … why?  I know what to watch for …  Yes … you are a liar … and you hate a person like me who never says anything … once you look into my eyes … you know … I know.  Liar.

The things I could tell you … but, won’t.  On every job there are things we know, but … don’t talk about.  The things I mention have happened long ago … a lot of those people are dead, gone … now.

There were people at both hospitals I worked at … who disliked me … because they knew I knew.  Words were never needed … the smiles would go on … pass and re-pass … be nice … never feel comfortable in my presence.  The thing was … I filed what I knew back in my mind to know never to trust them personally … I’d go on to forget.

Why do I even look at things others don’t see?  It’s my nature … I grew up with such … I just spot it automatically.  I somehow … ‘know’ people. My Grandma Alma was very sharp … she saw through people.  Rarely … was she wrong.  It always came out in the long run … she’d just smile a little quiet smile.  That’s what I do … I don’t begin screaming, “I told you so”!  I just smile.

To survive … one learns a lot of things to defend themselves … because how can anyone prove they are being treated wrong … if only smiles, sweetness meets the eyes of someone who is looking?

If I’m looking … I look deeper … sense.  I know that even serial murderers have to … fool their prey.  Honey catches more flies than vinegar.  My Grandma Alma … told me so.  🙂

I grew up knowing sweet smiles, sweet voices are a crock of s___.  Yes, I said that.  I pay close attention to someone who is … too sweet.  I smile … when later … I ‘see’ … how sweet they really are.

Have I been fooled?  Hell yes … but, it didn’t take long to find out the truth.  I’m not afraid to confront someone in a quiet, sweet way … doesn’t matter where they are … no one would know what was going on … I don’t like ugly scenes.

I always try to think the best about someone … then … I see, hear what I hope not to.  It tells me the people can’t ever be my ‘real’ friend … if they’ll do their own neighbors, family members like that … who am I to them?  They are sure going to hurt me, too.

Heck, the family I grew up in could be the sweetest damn people in the world … they’d get your ass while smiling, telling you it’s not going to hurt while they stabbed you in the back.  They only wanted you to stand there until … they could get that final death blow in.

You ‘just stand there, die in shock’ … Why?  Because you couldn’t believe so and so … would or could … do such a thing.  I know … I ‘died a million times’ at the hands of … my loving … family.  I was seduced with sweet smiles, kind words until their hands could reach out, grab my little ass up … then Hell would break out not only on my ass … my body, too.

I still loved them, though.  I knew they had some love for me … somewhere in their hearts.  Why sometimes … it would show.  I’d feel so … special.  They knew a tiny bit of love … would go a long ways … with a little girl who wanted to be loved so badly.

The sad thing was … they’d take it away before I knew it … I couldn’t ever take for granted … love.  Love … hate … hot water … cold water … turning that faucet on and off … nothing ever stayed consistent in my life.  Everything depended on someone’s mood …

Thoughts … more thoughts.  Real thoughts … not the best thoughts but, nevertheless they are thoughts that flittered through my mind today.

I know you also, have your thoughts that flitter through … you just might not write them down or … let the light of day see them.  Here, I chose to let them come out into the light so, I could examine them closely.

The good thing here is … none of these thoughts hurt me.  They are thoughts from different times that made me … ‘more me’ … now.  I know that I’m not a false person trying to pretend one way or other to be something other than I am.  I don’t have anything to gain by hurting others.

I know that you will either like … dislike me.  It’s all in what you decide.  I know that no matter what … everything bad in my life has made me a very good person now.  That doesn’t mean I can’t be … mean, sometimes.  🙂  After all, I told you that I’m not perfect … didn’t I?

I’m just sharing thoughts we normally keep to ourselves … thoughts we don’t usually talk about.

 

 

Photos/true thoughts are mine, owned … written by me.  Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny at Twitter.

You Are Most Perfect For… Me


You Are Most Perfect For… Me

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

Best Friends, Husband, Soul Mate… my hero, Skip.  A younger Granny Gee and Skip…

 

 

 

I’m always, always glad to see you.  You are the only person I can be with… around… all the time.  I’ve never been bored by you, tired… of you.  Who are you?

 

A person who is kind; the second kindest man I’ve ever known.  I knew the most kindest as a little girl.  His name was George Harris.  He was the only grandfather I ever knew in my life.  He was my step-grandfather.  His love was like his smile… it reached his eyes… his sightless eyes.

 

George was blind, yet… he could ‘see’.  He ‘could see a person’, sense if they were good, honest.  He ‘could see’ to do everything… because he wanted to do everything.  George never sat around ‘feeling sorry for himself’… George had a life.  Each day he got up, carried out his responsibilities.

 

George was my Grandma Alma’s husband, best friend, and soul mate.  He loved her dearly; she loved him back the same way.  Of course… they had some very ‘loud’ fusses… they’d tell each off in a heartbeat.

 

Anyone close by… would sit, listen… and possibly put a hand over their mouth in surprise at what would come out of their mouths!  Of course… it could be quite comical.  Why… I ‘learned my best words… my little sayings… from them’!  I know… some things to say!  How could I not know?  Everyone for a mile away… could hear them.  :)))

 

I loved them with my very heart.  They only had each other… ‘it was them against the world’.  They were together almost every minute of their married life.  They could fuss each other out… love each other so much… in the next minute.  Don’t let anyone come in there to start something with the other… because the other would instantly  begin to protect….

 

Grandma Alma could swing a mean glass of water on someone.  She’d do it in a minute.  She was paralyzed, couldn’t walk.  She could use one hand, one leg.  Her mind was as sharp as any knife in a drawer.

 

She was very intelligent.  Always… she tried to teach ‘us kids’ things… sometimes, we would sit on the floor cross-legged to listen to her talk, tell stories.

 

My Grandma Alma was a wonderful person… I only regret I couldn’t have appreciated her… while being an adult.  I think she’d been proud at how I turned out to be … after all I’ve experienced in my life.  I think she’d been so proud that I learned from all the ‘bad’ in my life.

 

I feel sad when I think of her, George.  Life is sad.  Think about it for a moment… as children, we love people who meant so much to us, yet… we didn’t know all we could have done to make a positive difference in their life.

 

When we grow up… we grow up remembering what ‘they told us we would remember’.  Such as, when ‘I’m dead and gone, you are going to wish you had listened to me;  you are going to miss me; you are going to wish you’d treated me better’.

 

As children, we can’t understand that people aren’t going to be there, always… for us.  As a child, I didn’t know death was more than what my first memory was.  My memory of death was one shrouded in mystery… the man across the road died.

 

I vaguely remember as that little girl, my mother and her sisters talking quietly… saying they were going across the street.  Mr ‘so and so’ had died… oh no, children can’t go.

 

I watched them slip quietly across the street as I stood there… darkness, the sun quit shining… whatever dying was… one had to whisper quietly about it… and children couldn’t know about it.

 

That was my first impression of death… quietness, darkness… the sun quits shining.  Fear……..

 

Grandma Alma… George.  I think about them often.  ‘Now’… I could appreciate you both, so much more than when I was a child.  I know I caused you both to yell a lot at me, as well as the others.

 

I was a mean little girl… I just know I was.  I ‘was taught by the best’……. with other children, I fought to hold my ground.  With adults… I was afraid of them… when they became mad… I knew I was going to get ‘what for’…

 

I knew a lot of ‘good, cuss words’… and if another child made me angry… they knew them, too!  We would sound like… Grandma Alma, and George!

 

There’s one thing that has stuck out through time… my Grandma Alma always said it to George, when she became angry.  Everyone would be off in a distance listening… they never knew it.  When she’d become mad… she’d yell at him, saying ‘you are a he-man, you are nothing but, a ‘he-man’!

 

What that meant, I’m not sure.  But… it was the ‘perfect button for her to push’… because George would ‘blow up’!  The fight was on!  They never knew they entertained when they had a fuss.  The children would giggle… the adults would grin a ‘knowing’ smile.

 

They were the only ones who could ‘fight, fuss’… make others laugh.  When ‘the others, themselves’… fought… the world would become a very scary place.  They would come to the ‘arena’ in front of Grandma Alma, George… and ‘fight like hell’ in front of them.  Blood was drawn, flesh was pounded… somebody was going to get hurt.  Somebody was going to… know who was boss!

 

No matter what… this little girl grew up loving those… hell-raisers.  Loved them with her very heart.  Learned as she grew older… in that family… it wasn’t possible to form a lasting relationship.  Growing older, she learned it was part of the ‘family heritage’… it wasn’t possible.

 

George… was the kindest man I ever knew, until… I met Skip.  Like my Grandma Alma… I found my best friend, my soul mate, and my hero in this life.  That doesn’t happen a lot… I was fortunate.  God was good to me… to give me someone who loved me… as much as I loved… him.

 

Life with Skip has been full of many unusual things.  We both traveled many paths in Life… a lot we learned weren’t the paths we wanted to be on.  Those paths we had all the material wealth, luxuries we wanted… people thought we were the greatest.

 

Through time, as we learned from the paths we wanted to be on, travel now… we began to not have so much.  People like us… but, not for what we have ‘now’.  I think because they see ‘real people’ now, in place of what we wanted to project many years ago.

 

Also, there are people who are glad we no longer have anything.  So, that tells you a lot about them.  A lot of them don’t, either.  Jealousy, greed… makes people ‘your best friends’… you become the worse if you no longer ‘have it to give’…

 

The way I see it… it really feels good ‘to not keep up the pretense of being something … you never were to begin with… never will be … no matter what’.  I remember my Mom always telling me something so true (I may get it backwards… I do that!  But, you’ll know what I mean! :))).  She’d always say, “Faye, don’t fly so high that you can’t fall”…

 

I love being a ‘private’ person.  I like myself… I don’t know a lot of people in my ‘everyday’ life like me.  I know that I’m ‘nobody’ to others… but, I really am to myself.  I don’t pretend to be something I’m surely not.  I like being with ‘me’… I can entertain myself with drawing, computer, reading, playing with my Pups… it’s seldom I get lonely.  Of course, with all of you who follow me, are my friends… I’m never alone.  I have Skip, our Pups… that’s my world; my life.

 

I do wish for one thing not only for myself… but, what I could do for people who ‘need’… that is to have a lot of money.  I know money is supposed to be the ‘root of all evil’, ‘bad’… but, it’s not when you are happy with it, and making a ‘good’ difference everywhere you go in life.  I do ‘know’ that for sure… I have lived it in my life… I did make a difference.  I wish to be able to do that again.

 

When I do have extra to give, sometimes even… if I don’t have extra to give… I do it from my very heart.  I feel it deeply from caring with my very heart.

 

When people are younger… life is an illusion of sorts.  They want to project that they ‘are more than what they actually are’.  I watch the same old pattern play out now… in the generation behind me.  I understand it… ‘everyone wants to be somebody… sometimes, they are on the wrong path’… to really be.  People ‘see through them’… why?  They have been there… done that.

 

The one common thing they want to project is… that they are rich, have so much… so, others can think ‘they are somebody’.  Day by day, fancy words they don’t normally use (it tells on one)… bragging about this, that….. someone is always around who ‘knows better’……

 

Then… one day they ‘know’… they know that this life is not about ‘what one has’… it’s about love, caring for others.  Being rich is a good thing because it does make possible to have all you desire… it also, makes possible to make others happy, too.  That’s strictly my ‘Gloria Opinion’.

 

One doesn’t have to brag about in words they aren’t used to saying … trying to appear to be ‘more’ than what they are.  Instead of bragging… do something.

 

I promise when you do something for another… see such appreciation, gratefulness… you’ll feel a happiness you can’t get from anything else.  I promise you.

 

Make even a ‘tiny dream’ come true for a child… an adult you hear wishing for this, that.  Whenever I get extra money… I listen, watch the whole time.  I ‘already know the amount’ I can let go of… to do something, even small… to make another person smile, happy.

 

Guess what?  Good things… do… come back to you in the most unexpected ways.  Everything goes in a cycle… it ‘all comes back to you’.

 

Just think… you don’t want ‘a bad thing to travel full-circle back to you’.  It’s like planting a garden… if you plant good seeds, tend your garden… it’s going to be wonderful seeing what comes up next!  Think of your words… like seeds.  If they are ‘bad toward others’… they are going to ‘sprout up later’, haunt you.

 

Of course, we know I’m not perfect… not even anywhere to being perfect.  I’m going to say, do things sometimes just like anybody else.  I am old enough to ‘try not to’… to ‘know better’.

 

Once in a while… I’m going to be human.  It’s my only excuse if I ‘misbehave badly’.  I try not to… but, I ‘feel things deeply’… and I’m pretty much used to expressing what I really think.  When I do … I try to do it in the kindest way.

 

I don’t like to hurt others… but, if I’m pushed in a ‘bad’ way… then, trouble is sure to follow.  Especially … after the number ‘3’.  The 3rd time… I’m holding my ground.  :)))  I bet most people are… the same way.  Especially people everyone thinks ‘are so nice… I can do them any old way… they are too nice to not take it’…. :)))

 

Back to best friends, soul mates, heroes.  All of my readers, followers, fans… know instantly ‘who’ is mine.  For those who are just learning, it’s my husband, Skip.  He is my whole life… he and our Pups are the only family I have… and the only relationships that I ‘know’ is forever, to the end.

 

We don’t agree all the time… much of the time we do.  When we don’t agree, we tell each other ‘why’.  By the time, we get it talked out, the other ‘sees why’… nine out of ten times… we end up agreeing.  :)))  Of course… we are going to have our differences… once in a while.

 

One difference being… when we cook-out on the grill.  Our steaks are going to be different.  He is going to want his more medium-rare… mine is going to be well-done.  He doesn’t like garlic… I love garlic!  We cook together… he watches his………. I watch mine!  :)))

 

My best friend, my hero… my soul mate… I’m always, always glad to see… you.  I love you, Skip.  You are ‘most perfect for me’… :)))

 

 

 

 

 

My Friends Hurt Me Deeply… Oh My God, The Pain


 

 

 

My Friends Hurt Me Deeply… Oh My God, The Pain

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee (2-25-2013)

 

 

Skip and I were walking in the supermarket when I looked up to see an old friend smiling at me.  She and, her friend stood close by, they were also, shopping.

 

 

We hugged each other, began talking.  We had worked at the hospital together for years.  I loved her, I just thought the world of her.  I was so happy to see her… see that wonderful smile of hers.  Her smile has a way of making the world… all right.

 

 

Her son had died… now, my son was gone.  When her son died, I let her know I was there, in different ways.  I cared so much.  I used to get to see his art work when she’d bring it to the hospital for me to look at.

 

 

She told me after Tommy died… she would come to see me.  She never did… I didn’t mind at all that she didn’t come.  I understand how time goes by, life goes on. Life is like that…

 

 

I understood… not only that, I am used to ‘coping with my own’ with no help from anyone.  Excepting… Skip.  Skip is my hero… he is my anchor in this world, and… the ship that holds me afloat.  He and our Pups…. are my world.

 

 

We began catching up on what we’d been doing since we saw each other.  I had my book with me, several copies in fact… I took one out to show her.  I told her that I just had my first book published.  I had in mind to give her one…

 

 

I saw her visibly change, her eyes kept on smiling… there was a difference in them.  I sensed at that moment that… ‘she backed off from me’.  I felt pain in my heart.  Why?

 

 

I knew by the way the rest of the conversation went… I really never heard it… that my friend thought that my son’s death had ‘pushed me over the edge’… his death ‘had done something mental to me’.

 

 

The thought went through my mind… ‘she thinks I’m crazy, that I think I have had a book published’.  I had shown it to her, but… I don’t think she paid it any attention…

 

 

After sensing what I did from that encounter… I began to feel numb.  So… I probably ‘acted the part’… it’s sometimes hard, to disguise unexpected ‘pain’.  Especially pain caused by a friend’s doubt in you.

 

 

Yes, I’m sure the ‘shock’ … made me appear in a quiet way… ‘over the edge, crazy, not knowing what to say to my friend anymore’.

 

 

I got away from her gracefully, smiling… saying a happy goodbye.  A ‘happy goodbye forever’ to her.  I was … in a … shock.  My friend……

 

 

Later in the store, we ran into her, and her friend again… I sensed her wanting to back up, go in the opposite direction from me.

 

 

I just smiled ‘my Gloria smile’, laughed like ‘I always do’, went on like I didn’t notice.  I ‘just stayed myself’… I didn’t let her see that she’d just ‘crushed’ me.

 

 

I noticed, I couldn’t help but, to feel such pain.  My friend was no longer my friend… she had hurt me when … she didn’t believe me.

 

 

She always knew me as an upfront person, she always trusted me.  Now… she thinks I’m … crazy.  There’s nothing I can do at this point in time… to change her opinion.  ‘Gloria has went over the edge in her mind’….. ‘hey, Gloria is crazy’.  ‘Gloria’s mind is gone, her son’s death has done it to her’.  ‘Why now, Gloria’s thinking she’s written a book, and to beat it all… thinks it’s been published!  Imagine that!’

 

 

This isn’t the first time I’ve heard reference to such.  I read a letter that I shouldn’t have, but… did.  It was from one cousin of mine, written to his brother.  He said he knew my mind would probably be affected for the rest of my life since Tommy died.

 

 

I understood him writing that… everyone knew how much I loved my son, how much he meant to me.  That was okay… he was ‘family’, so… he had a right to say that… he ‘knew’.

 

 

Just as my child was so important to me, his children are to him… maybe more-so, because we both ‘came from the same place’… we all knew Hell as little children… we all walked in the same shoes… we all ‘passed through Hell at Grandma Alma and George’s.

 

 

We all loved our children more… because we missed out on a lot of love as children… ourselves.

 

 

The very next day, I went to the KFC to get a bucket of chicken… I was standing at the cash register paying for my purchase.  I stepped away as a lady walked up to order.  She saw me, I saw her… and we began talking, laughing.

 

 

We used to exercise together, talk about losing our children.  She lost her daughter, I lost my son.  We had talked many times, we were friends enough to stop, talk anytime, whenever we saw each other out.

 

 

She asked me what had I been doing, and I told her writing.  I told her my first book was published… that was it… I felt, saw something ‘change’… I thought it was my imagination… but, I saw her eyes, I saw her smile slip…

 

 

The cashier spoke to me, I answered her… turned around…. to talk again to my friend….  I was going to show her my book.  I did have in mind to give her one…

 

 

She was gone!  Completely gone!  Then, I turned all the way around… there she was on the other side of me…. hiding.  She was trying to smile at me… but, it didn’t quite meet her eyes.  She no longer wanted to talk to me… she thought I was ‘crazy’.

 

 

She thought my mind …. was affected.  I ‘saw it in her eyes’…. nothing I could have said, or done would have changed her mind.  I had never seen that expression on her face… I no longer knew her.  She even… stepped back…

 

 

The cashier brought me a bag, I took it… and just looked briefly at my friend… and said with a soft smile… “goodbye now”.  I walked slowly out the door when, I wished to run… and lay down, and just… cry.  Oh my God… the pain!

 

 

I told Skip what happened.  He couldn’t believe it had happened again… two friends, two days in a row.

 

 

The third time was at McDonald’s, on the third day.  We saw a friend of mine (once again)…. she and her husband came to sit down close by.  We grinned at each other.  I really liked her, got to know her when we used to exercise together, also.  She was fun to talk to… when she likes you… like me… she likes you for …you.

 

 

They got up after eating, came to our table, stopped.  She introduced her husband to Skip and I… I introduced Skip.  She’d already met Skip, her husband hadn’t met either of us.

 

 

They stood, talked a little while.  It was such fun.  I told her not to think I’m crazy, or ‘over the edge’, that I wanted to tell her what happened the past two days.  She knew one of the ‘friends’ I was speaking of… we’d all exercised together.  She couldn’t place her in her mind… but, I knew if she saw her, she’d remember.

 

 

Anyway, as Jackie and I talked… Skip and her husband talked… I could sense Jackie was just… ‘still Jackie, my friend’.  I hadn’t even shown her my book… she believed me.  Can you imagine how that touched my heart.

 

 

It’s not that my book is a big deal… but, friends want to share happy things…. I know my book isn’t perfect, but, it is an accomplishment for ‘me’.  It’s important to ‘me’… :)))  You know how we all are when we are happy about something we’ve done…

 

 

As we talked, I knew that the only extra copy I had left in my bag was going to be … Jackie’s.  Her eyes lit up when I told her I wanted to give her my book… my heart felt so happy!  She had believed me ‘before’, she didn’t back up at all in disbelief… she didn’t think I was crazy, or over the edge at all.

 

 

I was … honored that she wanted ‘my little book’.  You know the ‘thin’ book I just wrote… ‘When She’s Good… She’s Good’.  In my mind, I expected it to be so much thicker with all the words I typed… and it turned out to be ‘thin’.  I think of it as my introduction to… Victoria Fairchild.

 

 

It is my first book, so… I will remember that I want my next Victoria Fairchild book to be ‘thicker’… I want my story to be good, and I want it …thicker.  I want it to be ‘exactly the kind of scary story in a book’ …that I’ve always looked for, never found.

 

 

Being a thick book… matters to me.  A lot of people like short books, they are on the go, they want to read fast.  I’m the opposite… I love to have time to read… as the book entertains me.

 

 

After all, that’s ‘why’ I would read… a scary book!  :)))  I want to be tense, in suspense, not knowing what’s going to happen next… when it does… scare me!  :)))  I ‘don’t want the story to end!’

 

 

On the third day (I told you things happen to me in ‘threes’)… Skip and I went home… I felt happy.  It made up for the prior two days that I was so… devastated.  Jackie, you tilted my lopsided world back … upright!  :)))

 

 

That’s an awful feeling to be doubted… especially when my one friend I’d worked with for years at the hospital… doubted me.  When we worked in the jobs we worked in… trust, and being competent were of the utmost importance.

 

 

I’m not used to someone doubting me.  Anyone who knows me… knows when I say something… I mean it.  Can you see how it ‘got away with me?’  Instead of lying about something… I will say ‘why’ I don’t tell it… or if I don’t want to talk about it… I will say I don’t want to talk about it.  I’m upfront…

 

 

I think a lot of people have seen the effects on a grieving mother, when she loses her child.  Some ‘do go over the edge’… it does affect their minds.  I’m sure it has ‘done something to my mind’.  I would like to think that it’s in a positive way… I’ve tried so hard to channel all this grief in … a good way.

 

 

I write my pain… my writing is ‘imperfect’, but… I’m going to keep on writing… regardless.  It’s my way, my only way to ‘release the pain’ inside me.

 

 

There’s so much of it, it’s never-ending… I have to keep writing so, that my mind doesn’t become a ‘dam’… trapping all that grief inside me.  I know I would surely die, if that were to happen.  I just know I would… the grief is so much bigger than I am (… and I need to lose weight!  :)))  The grief is so much more…

 

 

I cry often… but, thankfully, you don’t have to see it.  If you come here to my blog… you choose to read my pain.  It’s always there… only a smile, a laugh, or just words… cover, disguise it.

 

 

I couldn’t ever find anything on grief, until I began writing it… my keyboard has ‘pain splashed all over it’… as my fingers made the strokes to type each letter.  Pain here, pain there… never-ending pain.

 

 

Think of hiding something behind a thin blanket… so, no one will see it… underneath this blanket is my … grief.  There’s ‘nothing much’ covering it… it just won’t go away.  I’m feeling it every minute of my very life.  You could strip away that blanket in one, quick swipe… grief begins rearing its ugly head.

 

 

Here… in my words… I take the blanket ‘off’… I reveal exactly how grieving feels, you hear, see it in my words.  I don’t hold back… I have to tell you.  If you come here to read, I feel …. that you want to know, you want to read.

 

 

Hopefully, it’ll help you understand when you encounter a … grieving mother in your life.  Or… if you, yourself … grieve.  Or… any kind of grief in your life, another’s life.  Grief is a form of … ‘pure, pure love lost’… this is how I’ve come to think.  Those are the only words I can possibly think of to … describe grief.

 

 

Jackie, thank you for believing in me.  It meant the world to me… I promise I won’t forget that.  You made my world right … again.  :)))  I sit here, smile seeing all of us talking, laughing… nothing ever changed at all once I told you.  I never sensed anything that hurt me.

 

 

We all know my little book is just that… it’s a little book packed with a big story.  It’s really my introductory to Victoria Fairchild… whom I’ll keep writing about.

 

 

I will begin writing on ‘The Saga of Victoria Fairchild’ earnestly, once I get ‘I Cry For Tommy’ … published.  Lately, I have devoted my time to it.  It’s almost time…

 

 

I just wanted to come here on my blog… talk to all of you.  I wanted to share my three experiences… I’ve never walked in ‘these shoes’ before.  I didn’t know that ‘would happen’.

 

 

From now on, I think I’ll just stay ‘quiet’… like a big, blue pool of deep water that stays ‘still’.  I’ll let the ‘good things’ come, make ripples in it.  Then… we’ll all see how ‘water smiles’… splashes its delight to be noticed.  :)))  Just me being ‘silly’, again.

 

 

Thank you for listening.  It means my very world… you all are my world just as Skip and the Pups are……….  Love, Granny Gee (Gloria Faye Brown Bates)