Souls in Agony …


Souls in Agony …

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/aka @GeeGranny on Twitter

 

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

 

Last moments of a child’s life … becomes important to a … grieving mother.

 

Sh-hhhhhh … don’t say a word, everything is okay … I’m just sharing something I personally know … personally experienced.

 

You may never have thought of such.  Why?  Because you have never lost a child.  It’s like drawing a picture … you see the whole picture without seeing the details.

 

When I’m drawing, living it … feeling it … as I draw … I experience … details become important.

 

When it comes to being … this grieving mother …  during the worst of my grieving process when my son died … thoughts of my child’s  last moments stayed on my mind.

 

Those last moments of his life became most important to me … this grieving mother.

 

I had to find some kind of comfort wherever possible … just to help me … go on.  Just to go on at that time … to exist.  Just to have some kind of comfort to hug to my Heart.

 

I had to have … life-lines to reach out … grasp … to hold on to for … dear life.  I was drowning in my own pain … pure, raw grief unlike anything I’d ever experienced in life.

 

I’d never had education on how to grieve, what to expect.  I never read a book on grief, grieving mothers.  Hellfire, I never-ever … thought my own child would die.

 

I never thought my child wouldn’t … outlive me.  I know you as a mother with living children are … as innocent as I was.  If your child died today … you know you wouldn’t be any more prepared than I was.  Think about it.

 

It’s strange … we have sex education, parenting classes, birthing classes … all kinds of education on … important things in life.  What about … classes when death strikes?  What about death education?

 

What about being taught how to handle grief … what to expect?  When death strikes … we are left floundering like a poor fish that’s been jerked out of water.

We spin around in our grief … no one can stop us.  They can’t reach us … we are looking inward … there’s no way as a grieving mother we can … focus on you … on anyone.

 

Our child just died … we can only hear the screams in our minds … we don’t know if anyone else does, we don’t even have the sense enough to know, think about anything.  Our child just died!  We are not even aware of … ourselves.  We are souls … in agony.

 

Twisting, writhing in pure grief.  Doesn’t it sound ugly?  Doesn’t it sound horrible?  Don’t you cringe reading this?  You just can’t think about it.  Why?  Why?  Why?

 

Because … you are afraid if you do … ‘it could happen to you’.  I remember being like that.  I didn’t in any way … want to jinx my special world being a mother.

 

My child was very important in my life.  We were close … I knew he’d always be there for me … no matter what.  Not only that … he knew his Mama would always be there … no matter what.

 

No one can understand this … unless you are a … mother.  Our children … are our life.  They are actually … our flesh, blood … a most … real … part of us.  We put our hopes, dreams in them.

 

We are proud of them … look at my child!  Isn’t my child special!  That’s my baby!  I was more than proud of my son.  I loved my son with my Heart.

 

I knew he’d always be there as I got older.  As a mother … we know our sons will look after us, protect us in our older life.  We know … our children aren’t supposed to die before us.

 

When my child died … I will go to speaking for myself as I know what I experience … experienced … it almost caused me to … let go of my own life.  Why?

 

I wasn’t aware of it … see, if you can’t get into the mind of a woman who has just learned her child is dead … you can’t understand what I’m saying.  I can only … try to describe, put into words something that is pure felt on the inside … feelings.

 

Only the person who feels, hears … yes, hears these feelings on the inside … another person is never aware of them.  They can’t get on the inside to see, understand.

 

I can try to put into words this grieving mother felt inside … I will fail miserably because … feeling such grief … is so much more than words.

 

How can I describe to you the screaming thoughts of I can’t bear this … I can’t bear this knowledge!  I can’t take it, no!  Oh no!  This is the phone call I always heard about … no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   No!!!!!!!!!!!  Please help me, I’m dying!  Oh my God, oh my God!  Help me!  Help me!  Tommy!  Help me!  No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please, please, please!  Drug me … I can’t live with this knowledge … it’s too much to bear!  Help me, help me!  Oh my God!  Tommy!

 

I have to stop now.  I just went back to a place I haven’t visited since the very moment I learned my only child died.  I am weeping at this moment … to tell you just a moment of ‘what it feels like’ I … ‘had to go back’ in time … to that time.

 

This is only … a moment … when I first learned.  I … am … only … trying to describe in words … one moment when I first found out that Tommy had died.

 

Can you imagine what it’s been like since May 29, 2015?  Can you imagine the grief … in words, feelings … if you … could hear, feel … inside the mind … of this grieving mother?  Other grieving mothers?

 

It would scare you to death … if you have children.  That’s why no one wants to spend time with a grieving mother.  They can’t bear it … it might happen to them.

 

They can’t bear to see, hear … listen to the worst pain in the world … a mother learning her child has died … the screaming pain on the inside of her.

 

If you can’t bear it … how do you think a … mother can bear it?  I beared my suffering, grieving all on my own.  I didn’t bother anyone with it … I never-ever talked in words my grief.

 

Thank-God, I’ve been able to … write … in words my grief.  Writing in words … letting the pain flow through my fingertips like a river winding toward the ocean … has been my life-saver.

 

You have to have an outlet for such raw, intense, screaming pain inside one’s mind … body.  Strange … no one can see, hear this kind of pain … it’s so quiet … but, so damn loud in a grieving mother’s mind, body.

 

It’s all she can see, hear, feel.  Sometimes, awareness sets in but, quickly forgotten in the waves of grief.

 

Waves of grief wearing away the sand a grieving mother stands on … until she is swept away in the Ocean of Grief.

 

I try not to make Skip worry anymore than he has to.  I learned when fighting for my life (cancer … congestive heart failure) … it was important for me to be strong for … both of us.  We are very close … we get very afraid if one of us ever gets sick … or more than sick.  It’s too close … to home when something happens to one of us.

 

Grieving mothers … I haven’t talked to one personally.  Surely they understand what I’m writing here.  I know deep inside they have experienced what I’ve been through … still go through.

 

They may use different words in describing their grief than I do.  I only used these words because they are all I have to use … it’s like painting a picture with three paints of blue, green, yellow … how can I paint the other things in a different color … if I don’t have those paints?

 

I can’t … I can try by mixing … but, it doesn’t work always.  I can only use the paints I have.  Grief isn’t an emotion one can paint in … three colors.  It isn’t an emotion one can use only a few words to describe.  No same words … can describe grief each time it’s spoken about.  You can only paint it in different colors each time … grief constantly changes … today I am one way … tomorrow, a different way.

 

So, if anyone asks you about grieving mothers … I can only say this, and it always describes accurately what a grieving mother is …

 

Grieving mothers are … souls in agony.

 

 

This is written, owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.  Photos/Artwork owned by me, also.

These are my own feelings, thoughts, opinions … I am not an expert to come to … concerning grief.  I can only tell you what … this … grieving mother knows from … experiencing grief.

So … in the past five years … I finally thought of words … I can use to describe grieving mothers … in 3 words.  Souls in Agony.

I Believe in the Right to Die With Dignity …


I Believe in the Right to Die With Dignity …

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

Photo is owned by me.  The friend (Cindy) who made this for us never knew how comforting I found this light in the bottle to be. Even my photo of it … comforts me.  Why?  Because light chases the darkness away.  I’ve been in darkness too much in my life.  Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

 

 

This is another controversial subject I’m going to write about. I’m going to tell you how I feel about it.

I respect your feelings, your way of thinking on this subject.  I would never think I can tell you what to feel, think.  I will let you respect my feelings, way of thinking … I couldn’t let anyone tell me that my way of thinking is wrong.  How do you know?  How do I know?

So, before I go on … I can see your way of thinking as well as my way of thinking.  It’s just that my way of thinking ‘feels right’ to me inside my Heart.  These are my feelings that are … right for me.

I have been in the position of dying … of knowing I was going to die.  I know what it feels like to … know … there was no need of buying me pretty clothes … Ty Beanie Babies for my collection … no need of doing anything extra for me.

I knew I wouldn’t live to see a future.  I didn’t want money wasted on me when it could be used for more important.  This was my way of thinking when I so sick …

If you’ve never been to this point in life … being sick with a life-threatening illness … so close to death, I can’t expect you to understand.  The only way you will be able to make such a decision as I’m going to talk about … is to go to the doorstep of Death … if you can come back from it … you can make a judgement.

I’ve been there a few times in my life.   I was dying from cancer … non-Hodgkins lymphoma … the suffering, tests, the time it took to find out what was wrong with me before surgeries … took several months.  Only surgery could … save my life.

After the surgery … I was told I could die before I opened my eyes to see who was telling me I had cancer.  I never saw her … I never saw the oncologist that saved my life with the aggressive treatment she used … and others didn’t understand why she chose that.  It worked … it damaged my heart.  It was a trade-off to live.  I’ll take that.

I remember I thought she was a big, tall presence.  Later, months later when I began to be aware of things … I really looked at her, saw that she was tall but … not big.  How did I think she was ‘big’?  Because later I found out she lost a lot of weight.  Strange how I perceived her … I never saw her clearly and was drugged up.

When I heard her booming voice … the nurse, Skip were sitting me up in a chair in the Intensive Care Cardiac Unit … that’s the first I remember.  All I could see were tall letters in my mind when the oncologist’s voice said … C A N C E R … in giant letters.

I’ll have to describe the strange feeling, thoughts that played in my mind when I couldn’t see around me …  because of the drugs given to me, the weakened state I was in.  I kept thinking I could go back on the other side if only … I could go back, not have cancer.

I was dying.  For some reason, I kept ‘thinking I could go back to being all right if …. ‘

I could see an invisible line … if I could just go back to the other side of it.  I lay in that dark world … my mind kept trying to take me back … to the other side of that … invisible straight line.  Strange I know.  I’ll examine that closely one day.  I’ve never taken time … why does it bother me … now?

I know now, I have lived 16 years when I shouldn’t have … not many made it.  The new oncologist told me not long ago, I shouldn’t be here … 98% didn’t make it with what I had, and as sick as I was.  I was at Death’s door the morning I had the first surgery to remove the huge mass off my lung … resting on my heart.

I will have to take time to sometime, think about what if anything I have done of value during the precious sixteen years I was given.  I don’t think I’ve done anything so special.  I should have at least been some kind of hero or something.

Anyway, dying with dignity.  This is how I really feel after making it back from the Cancer Journey in my life.

I feel if I’m at the point of dying … know that I’m not going to live … laying in agony … or becoming a ‘vegetable’ … I should have the option to end my life while I’m aware.  I feel I should be able to say my goodbyes if by that time … I have anyone to say goodbye to.

No one knows it … I had my option to let go of life … if I knew with certainty I was dying, no chance of living.

I knew I wasn’t going to live … I was preparing.  The thing is … strange thing is … something kicked in (I do think it was that infamous fighting spirit I have :).

When it kicked in … I began seeing in my mind … the future.  The future where I could see me doing things once again.  It was like putting a colorful toy just out of reach … to encourage a child to learn to walk.  If he wants it bad enough … well, you know the rest.

When that happened, I began forcing myself to sit up (oh God, I could never tell you the horrible pain I had in my chest … get a thoracotomy … you will always know.  I had two thoracotomies exactly one year apart … I have ‘forever pain’ you wouldn’t believe).

Anyway, no matter the horrible pain … I couldn’t see straight for the powerful medicines I was given … I made my body raise up, stand up, hold onto things to walk.

I could barely walk … and go only a few steps.  Tears ran down my face, I couldn’t breathe for crying … I kept doing this for many months.

I had become determined to live.  I wanted to live … I wasn’t accepting death without one hell of a fight.  When I did these things … I would fall into bed … in agonizing pain.  No matter, I meant to get strong.

No one can ever know the agony I was in … I was alone while Skip was working as a fleet manager in a produce company.  I tried to be strong when he came home so, he could go to work, know I was all right.

Not only that … if he even thought I was suffering … he would become very upset.  So, many times I have to say … I fooled Skip into thinking I was so tough, strong … we have to do what we got to do.

That wasn’t a bad way to fool someone … at least in my situation.  It did make me personally stronger, and I made it.  It gave him comfort … he just knew I was still me … and I could do what I said.

After 3 years of fighting the toughest battle of my life … I made it in time to go with Skip to the doctor, then … oncologist … to be there when he was diagnosed with … colon cancer.

Skip had been caring for me, working his ass off … and he was … dying with colon cancer that had begun coming through his colon.

I’ll never forget what I said to him at the moment he went into shock.  I said, “Skip … that must be the reason I lived … so, you could see that you can make it.  I’ll take care of you just like you did me”.

I will say this … when I became aware of Skip being sick … something wrong … was during the time I was very ill.  I couldn’t make decisions for myself at that time … had to hold onto things to walk.  My body was in bad shape … I was on powerful medicines.

Skip came to me during that time, told me that he’d been bleeding.  When he’d ‘go’ to the bathroom … the commode would be filled with blood.  You know how sick I must have been when I couldn’t jump up from there … make him get to a doctor.  I wanted to … but, the state of mind when one is very ill … you aren’t yourself.

One day, I raised up out of bed after Skip told me he wished I could see all the blood.  I meant to see it … I knew deep down something was wrong.  Skip had been suffering with terrible cramps in his legs.  Ripping cramps up the inside of his legs.  This had been going on for months.

I made Skip help me to go see … my knees buckled under me, he grabbed me.  I began crying … I knew then … Skip had colon cancer.  The damn crazy thing here is … I ‘knew’ … but, being so sick I couldn’t keep it in my mind … I couldn’t make him go to the doctor … I couldn’t help myself.  Months went by …

This is what happened as time went by … I had something in my mind that ‘made me’ know I was going to get well to do.  I meant for Skip to go to a doctor.  I knew … he was very sick.  Skip … like me … is strong … has a fighting spirit that matches mine … maybe stronger.

I know our neighbors heard me crying through the walls of our home at that time.  They just didn’t know that I was beginning to force myself to do things in the house again.  I had a purpose ….

I made myself hold a broom … my hands had forgotten what a broom felt like.  So hard, splintery.  I made myself put clothes in the washer.  I began to mop … sure the area was very small … it was a beginning.  I burned my hands as I stood at the stove staring at the eye on top … it was hot.

Somehow I had forgotten … like a child, I didn’t think about it burning me … isn’t that amazing?  I took something out of the oven … letting my hand touch the top … I learned from that burn … not to touch hot things.  Now … I knew that … but, forgot everything during my illness.  I am amazed when I think back.

I began to do little things … in my mind … I could see me in my future being strong, well again.  I knew I wouldn’t be letting myself die … with dignity.  I knew I was going to live.

You have to know that knowing I could decide what I wanted to do … if … I was going to die … gave me comfort.  I needed that comfort … I didn’t want to live not having quality of life, someone having to care for me.  So, no matter what anyone thinks … that’s the way I felt … still feel.  I won’t argue it with anyone.

A person who has never experienced this … can talk all they want to.  Put their ass in the same situation … see what they do.  It’s funny how things change when the person who talks loudest … experiences pain, agony, near death.  You find out what you are made of.  You find out … that your whole perspective changes on life, death.  You find out … you know nothing.

So … those who run their mouth about this or that … don’t really know anything … maybe they’ll get to know firsthand … then, we can see what they think.

It’s like in my situation being a grieving mother … I lost my only child … having listened to people who ‘knew it all’ about losing a child … find out they don’t know a damn thing … they don’t know how it feels to have their own child … die.  Some people … hadn’t ever had a child … go figure.

Until people can walk on those roads in life … they can only ‘guess’ at what they would do.  I promise you … they won’t do all these things they so loudly say they will do when … tragedy strikes.  I promise you that.  It would be good if they kept their mouths shut … not make an ass of themselves.

They do not know a damn thing.  Admit it … just say I think I would try to do this or that.  Not ‘if my child dies I know I’ll do this, I know I’ll do that’.  Like I said … you don’t know a damn thing.

I don’t even listen anymore to people … like you.  It’s probably best for you to tell someone who has a weaker mind than I do … I don’t want to hear it.

Why … would I listen … to you  …tell me something you’ve never had to deal with in your life?  You’d be like a teacher trying to teach … never having an education … not a foot to stand on.

It’s like someone telling you how to drive … never driving in their life.  It’s a whole different ballgame …

Anyway … unless one knows from experience … it would pay to tread lightly when saying things around people … who have survived trauma, tragedy … bad things in their life.  You don’t want to make these people … teach you a thing or two.  You really don’t have to say a thing excepting … I care, I’m so sorry.

This is some … I never said it’s all I think on the subject of death … of what I think about dying with dignity.  In my case after experiencing what I have with near-death …  it’s for me.  I believe in it.  I believe in hospice … keeping someone from suffering.

I believe in my case, my life … I would want to have a tablet to take when it came time that I knew I couldn’t come back from my illness.  I can’t speak for you … only for myself.

I believe in the right to die with dignity.

 

 

Note by this Author:  Photos/my thoughts on this subject are both owned, written by me … Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter.

 

What’s On The Other Side Of The Blanket?


What’s On The Other Side Of The Blanket?
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee

 

 

Photo I took of the blanket … as I folded it … my handprints stayed on the velvety surface … therefore, giving me the idea for a short story … is it fiction?  Could this really … happen?  We’ll never know … unless … did something try to grab your hand when you touched your blanket?  Is this how … some people disappear?  Should we check all … blankets?

 

 

 

 

I stood at the foot of the bed, folding the king-size blanket. It was very soft to the touch. Light blue in color … velvety.

 

 

I watched my handprints appear on the surface of the blanket as I smoothed it, here and there. Once … my heart almost stopped, I thought I felt something from the other side of the blanket latch on to my finger! It was my imagination … it didn’t happen again.

 

 

The blanket looked neat, on the end of the bed. I noticed slight movement … I walked closer to look down at the blanket, when I froze. I was unable to move … there was an extra handprint bigger than mine … on the surface of the blanket! It was trying to reach out!

 

 

My puppy ran over to the blanket, barking. I guess my shock reached through her sleep, waking her up. I tried to push her back … she was too close. She disappeared, the hand pulled her to the other side!

 

 

No! No! I wanted my baby back! I grabbed the hand moving on the surface of the blanket, pulled. A thin man popped out on this side! He held my puppy. Give me back my puppy!

 

 

He held her tightly … not wanting to give me the puppy back. I began to think fast at how I could coax him into giving me my puppy back.

 

 

Why … did you take my puppy? I’m lonely, he said. You don’t know what it’s like on the … other side. The other side? Yes, the other side of the blanket! It’s lonely there … it’s cold … all on the inside is snug, cozy.

 

 

Why … are you on the other side? Because … I kept hogging all the cover one cold, freezing night from my wife. The next thing I knew … I was on the other side! Now … I’ve learned my lesson … I don’t know how to stay on this side of the blanket.

 

 

I stood there, thinking …wondered if talking to his wife could help keep him permanently stay here. Where does your wife live? Only five miles from here, he said. Let’s go … he popped back to the other side of the blanket. I smoothed it … picked it up, took it to my truck.

 

 

My puppy stayed on the bed, going back to sleep, no doubt. I’m sure she was baffled, stunned at the person on the other side of the blanket as I was.

 

 

I parked, walked up to the house where the man’s wife lived. I knocked on the door. The door opened, and a pitiful looking woman appeared. Ma’am, may I talk to you?

 

 

She led me to the living room … we talked. She began to share with me that her husband disappeared one cold, wintry night. She didn’t know why he left her … she wished for him to come back home.

 

 

Instantly, I got to my feet, ran to my truck, grabbed the big blanket … came back to the living room with it. I put it on the couch, gently. What the ….. ? She was standing there, with her mouth wide open. She didn’t understand what was going on.

 

 

I asked her again if she wanted her husband home. She said yes, quickly. I took her hand to the blanket … she began to pull away when she saw the hand on the other side …. reaching out for her hand!

 

 

It’s alright … you want your husband back home … let his hand touch yours. She looked at me, questions in her eyes. I just nodded for her to take the blanketed hand …

 

 

As she did, the man appeared on this side of the blanket. He began apologizing for hogging the bedcover that fateful night. She ran into his arms, forgiving him. She wanted her husband, home!

 

 

I watched, tears in my eyes … my heart felt as if it were being squeezed from emotion. The man had disappeared from this side of the blanket to the …. other side of the blanket. All for hogging his wife’s cover …

 

 

I wonder … if this is how some people disappear? You never know what’s on the other side of the blanket!

 

 

 

 

Story written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee. It is owned by her.
Photos were taken by, owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

 

 

This story idea came from making the bed, folding the heavy, king-size blanket on it. My handprints began appearing on the surface of the blanket as I touched it … I took photos of my handprints. #Gloria Faye Brown Bates #GrannyGee #handprints #other side

I Didn’t Know The World Was Big Enough For Both … Grief Of Losing My Son … Me


I Didn’t Know The World Was Big Enough For Both … Grief Of Losing My Son … Me

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photos of Tommy, Skip, myself, my artwork, beadwork; I made fireplace in the photo with our Christmas tree this year… dragonfly picture (Tommy loved dragonflies) …. owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

I have made it to another Christmas … never knowing … I could ever feel joy, happiness in my Heart, again.

My only child, Tommy, died May 29, 2010, at the young age of 40. He had blockages to his heart … no one knew. He … was at Myrtle Beach … running, playing with his little 3 year old son … when he collapsed on the sand.

Tommy’s spirit soared with the angels who came to take him home. The last sounds he heard … were the laughter of a precious, little boy … sea gulls singing to him as the ocean waves softly played in the background. Come home, Tommy …

I can’t in no way … describe the grief I’ve suffered. Grief … there wasn’t enough room in this world for my grief … myself. I almost … had to go … to make it bearable. How in the world does a mother … learn to live without the child she brought into the world?

Of course, if you’ve never lost a child … you can’t even begin to understand, nor … imagine. I do know you can begin to think about your child being ‘gone’ … you will panic inside, have to stop trying to imagine.

Why? Because … you don’t want to think of this world without your child in it. Oh, my God … the pain. Pain just from ‘thinking about it’ for a moment, or two. Just think if it were the ‘real thing’ … that it really happened.

I’m glad you have your children. It makes my Heart happy when I see you with them. I smile when you don’t know it … I love to see families, hear … their happy, family sounds.

My Heart breaks if I see unhappiness in a family … I have to not look. My thought is that they just don’t know how fortunate they are to have each other. If I think closer, I realize that there are others like me … who will never have a normal family relationship with loved ones.

Some families are ‘f____ up’ before they are born … things are somehow, born in them … when they come into this world, they come in kicking, screaming … full of hate, anger. If you see a happy smile … watch out … someone else is hurting, someone else had to ‘pay for’ that happy smile. Just hope it isn’t … your ass.

This is life … just the way it is. I don’t sugar-coat it. I see it this way, I have felt it … this way … since I began aware of being a little person with thoughts. I’ve known grief, sadness, pain all my life … it’s a part of me just as breathing.

I also, know how it feels to smile, laugh … feel the happiness of happy! It just never lasted very long in my life … just enough to get a taste of it … wish for so much more.

Once in a while, I allow myself to ask ‘why can’t I have happiness all the time’? I stop as soon as the question forms in my mind. So, I tell myself that no matter what … everything will somehow find a way to be alright …. at times, it’ll take longer … but, it will be alright.

I just have to be happy while I’m sad, grieving … or in pain. I’m never going to feel one … without the other. I just have to make the best of it … or just … die. I love to live …

Thank-God for writing … thank-God for Skip, our Pups … and thank-God for … you. I made it, to ‘now’ … Truthfully, I never ‘saw ahead this far’.

I fought the battle of my life … losing a child is a terrible war inside. I won … I’m here … and for-real, everything is alright. Not ‘going to be’ … it ‘is’.

I wish all mothers, fathers … the most wonderful holidays with their children. Hold them close to your Heart … I pray you never lose them. Parents should never live to see their children … die.

The perfect way would be for parents to grow old gracefully … go before their children. The world is … not perfect.

I didn’t know the world was big enough for both the grief of losing my son … me.

Photos, story owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

#grief during holidays #loss of a child #grief #Gloria Faye Brown Bates #Granny Gee

 

A Mother’s Grief Never Goes Away …


Thursday, August 21, 2014

A Mother’s Grief Never Goes Away …

A Mother’s Grief Never Goes Away …
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Seagulls walked on the sand, flew up in the sky

Sunlight kissing their wings … as they soared

It came to my mind the evening my son died

I know the last sounds he heard were the ocean, sea gulls

He died on the soft, damp sand by the ocean

His little son was close by …saw him fall

Daddy, get up … come play with me

Daddy, won’t you get up … come play with me

He was too young to know his daddy had played

For the first, last time at the beach with him

He was too young to know how excited his daddy was

To be taking his son to the beach to run, play

Too young to know … his daddy had made it just in time

To play with him … to leave a beautiful memory behind

As he went to Heaven that evening … his spirit soared above

To look down with sadness at his little son he had to leave behind

Tommy, come home … the sea gulls sang

He watched his son call to him to come play

He drifted down to put his hand gently on his son’s head

His son looked up, never saw him … tears in his blue, blue eyes

Daddy! Daddy! Daddy, please get up! Come play with me!

He shook his daddy’s shoulders … he never moved

Young as the little boy was … he instinctively knew something was wrong

He laid his little blonde head down on his daddy’s chest

Wept for him … somehow, he knew Daddy wouldn’t be playing anymore

He felt a hand touch his shoulders, looked up, saw a group of people

Who became his guardian angels until his mother could be found

One picked up the cellphone that had fallen to the ground

Dialed the last number called … to a home two-hundred miles away

The woman answered with a smiling, happy voice

Hello, Tommy! An expression of puzzlement came across her face

When a strange voice answered her … why do you have my son’s phone?

It was my voice … I was the woman Tommy last called … I was his mother

My world ended that evening for almost three years

To this day, I still can’t believe my only child died, my son

So strong, so vibrant … so full of life; how could that happen?

Can you imagine such … imagine your adult child is gone?

You can’t imagine … it hurts too bad to think about it

A real person who grew up with his own special personality

With a voice, laugh all his own … a person whom you gave birth to

Your own beautiful creation … a real part of yourself

Someone you love with your very Heart, so thankful for

Knowing he’d always be there when one day you become old

Never expecting him … to die before you

If I’d been at the ocean, I would have cried with my very Heart

Son, please come back … please come home!

Photo Credit is mine… is of my son … Tommy, grandson, and owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

Note by this author:

I write over and over about the evening my son, my child died. I try to imagine exactly what happened, see it in my mind. I will probably do this the rest of my life. I miss my son … though, somehow I’ve accepted his death … the pain is just as great.

The trapped bird sensation still fills my stomach at times, I feel panicky … sick inside. I want to cry out to the Heavens above. I try to think of other things fast, so, I won’t become lost in my grief.

Grief is an awful thing … it’s like falling into an ocean of darkness that threatens to drown you. It’s very hard to come back from. Thankfully, I had Skip and our Pups… they are … why … I came back. I had no one else left in this world but, them to come back to.

I’ve never felt sorry for myself, nor wallowed in self-pity. I stayed in the darkness for protection from the pain that hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt in my entire life.

I know Tommy can’t come back. I don’t question ‘why’ did he die. I know these are for-real ‘impossible’ things. So, that proves the old saying ‘anything is possible’ isn’t … exactly true. 🙂

I don’t feel bitter, angry because Tommy’s gone. I just feel the bittersweetness from the sweet memories of my son … my golden child. The precious baby I brought in this world.

Writing helps me to cope … through time, you will see me writing about this over, and over. Know that while I’m writing, I’m also, imagining at the same time how my son’s last moments were; what he heard … what he saw. If his soul soared above to look down at little Taban, his precious son.

Know I’m examining every little detail that I know, sense about my son’s death. Why? I think, I don’t really know, but … I think every grieving mother must do this. This grieving mother does. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Victoria Fairchild Is Getting Ready To… ‘Kick Ass’!


Victoria Fairchild Is Getting Ready To… ‘Kick Ass‘!

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

My notebook with notes as I wrote the short introductory (Book 1) about Victoria Fairchild……….

 

I’m getting ready to begin working on book 2… about Victoria Fairchild.

 

I wrote a very short introductory book about her … last year.  It is titled:  When She’s Good… She’s Good; When She’s Bad… She’s Very, Very Bad.

 

Book 2 is titled:  The Saga Of Victoria Fairchild.  It will be an ongoing ‘scary’ story.  You see, Victoria Fairchild, has unusual talents… she is someone you wouldn’t want to mess with.

 

When one sees her, she is soft-spoken… poised, beautiful.  People like her… some underestimate her, thinking they can push over her.

 

Victoria Fairchild loves homeless people; she frequents their world often.  She loves animals.  You would never want to harm any living soul and let her know it… Victoria Fairchild believes in ‘an eye for an eye… a tooth for a tooth‘.

 

For the past several days, I’ve been ‘getting my house in order’… organizing, cleaning.  Now… that it’s in order… I will begin to write anytime now.  I can’t concentrate if all isn’t neat around me.

 

I already have 54 pages written … so, now… at anytime I will begin to write.

 

So, any day now, I will begin working on my … fourth book to be published.  Once again…Victoria Fairchild is getting ready to kick ass!

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Note by Author:

This won’t affect me writing here, nor on my blogs… and Facebook.

 

What If They Felt… ‘HOPE’!


What If They Felt … HOPE!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

(NOTE: What I wrote here tonight was inspired by a friend on Bubblews… &gardenerj . His story ‘Isn’t It Too Early to Start Talking About You Know What’… made me think tonight… and below are my thoughts…

Thank-you, &gardenerj. Your Bubblews Friend, &grannygee (This is what I’m known as on Bubblews)……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

IPhone Christmas Tree 2012 004

Our little, sad Christmas tree at Christmas… 2012… this was the third Christmas without Tommy, my son… and our 12 year old Fairchild who died of cancer, just weeks after Tommy’s death. Tommy loved Fairchild with his Heart… we loved Tommy, Fairchild with our very Hearts. I can’t tell you the grief, pain … in my words… I’ve lived in… even knowing ‘everything is going to be alright’… one way or the other, it’s going to be. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee………………………………………………………………………………………..

Well… I’ve made a big decision… I think I’ve discovered ‘why’ people are wanting to ‘begin Christmas early’.

For the past 3 years… my son has been gone… I couldn’t celebrate anything… I couldn’t ‘see colors, happiness’. I lived in a ‘dark’ world… grief, pure-pure grief, pain.

All the colors, happiness was around me… no matter how I tried to come out to the ‘happy colors’… I couldn’t get there. I tried so hard… but, the knowledge that my son died… wouldn’t let me… I hurt so bad. It wasn’t time.

The positive thing is… that I ‘knew one day’… everything would be alright… I really knew that… but, ‘when’? It couldn’t happen until the day… I began to accept the death of my son.

Accept the knowledge that nothing will change that. Tommy’s really gone. With that being said… you can’t see what just happened to me. I was overcome with such deep grief, that I began crying inside.

The magical thing about writing… is I don’t have to do it front of you. I can write, cry all I want to… and not … upset you. I never want to upset you… I know grief, pain well… I wouldn’t intentionally inflict it on another person.

The good thing about reading… is if you decide you don’t need to read something… or it might upset you in some way… you can leave quietly, no one knowing any better. You know… like in a library. You won’t hurt me… and you can go away, knowing that you can do it quietly… and I understand, care.

You see… I’ve always heard that if one wants to write… one has to write what they know best to succeed. In my entire life, I’ve known more pain, grief, heartbreak than anyone I know. I know pain, grief best… this is what I write best… because I ‘feel, and have lived it since being a little girl’.

I, also, know happiness. I’ve also, experienced miracles, prayers being answered. I know the joy, the specialness of all. So, I’m not a doomsday person at all. Truthfully… when you see me… nine times out of ten… you will see me smiling. Smiling no matter how bad life is being to me.

Not because I’m ‘crazy, and don’t know any better’… because I ‘know life is going to be like that’… no matter what. It seems I understand ‘so much’ now…. it’s taken years for me to learn. Does that lessen the pain, grief in my heart. I’ll answer with a simple ‘NO’.

So, why do I ‘try to smile’? Because … I try to be positive as possible… since ‘I’m not perfect’…. sometimes, I’m not. Sometimes, I will feel angry from the pain, grief. I always end up back at …’everything is going to be alright’. How do I know?

I know because I’m always thinking, feeling, sensing… trying my best to swim the waves in the sea of pain, grief. You see, I mean to make it… I mean ‘to not drown’.

In my stories, you will see my struggle… you will in time… see me reach the shore in my struggle. I have a ways to go… I’m not there, yet.

I may be 100 years old… when I reach that shore… I might not reach it until… I draw out ‘my own’ last breath. It doesn’t matter, ‘everything is going to be all right ‘now’… as ‘right as it can be when someone’s only child dies’.

Guess what? I’ve never known how to swim in this life… but, in that world you don’t ever see… but, ‘feel, sense’…. I know the ‘ocean of pain, grief… well’. It’s strange how much I swim… ‘there’… in this life.

I don’t even have the convenience of a ‘shark cage’ to protect me… I ‘feel such pain’. I’m ‘always swimming there’… but, ‘you can’t see me… can’t see my struggle’. Isn’t that an interesting thought?

At one point in my grief… at the very beginning… ‘I almost drowned… I almost died’. It’s the truth, I’ll admit it. I wouldn’t have known it… but, Skip could see. He was on the ‘outside’ looking in at me. I never knew he was there… in my mind… I had already left, I didn’t know I was still here… I didn’t know I was … still in this life. My life stopped. My only child just died… The End.

This year, right ‘now’…. I have made a decision two days ago… I am going to put up happy, colored red lights (to match décor in our house)…. inside. They will be tasteful. I’m beginning early just like many people are… the commercials on tv have begun… I think that, I’m … so glad!

Why? I want to ‘feel happy inside, I’ve been sad so long’. Soft, little lights have a special way to affect one’s mood… especially mine as I’ve been ‘in the dark too long’. Also, I am going to put up the little Christmas tree we bought ‘just to have one last Christmas’… on the dining table. This will be done within this next week.

After Tommy, my son died…. I gave everything away that was accumulated through the years for Christmas… I gave them away to ‘family’ whom I thought loved, cared about me… only to find out differently, later.

It’s okay… my ‘family’ is like that… we all were born with that in us… no one can help it. So, many years of accumulating, making decorations are gone, wasted… no one can see the ‘love, caring’ in all I had, made. I let go a long time ago… it no longer matters. I didn’t care… nor did I remember… giving all away. What I wrote just now, was ‘a few thoughts’ that flitted through my mind.

I didn’t have more children, only my son, Tommy. He had two children… I wasn’t going to be seeing them…. it was ‘the end’ of my life… or so, I thought. My only child died….

I had to learn to accept no grandchildren, I learned it well. So well, that I forget that now… it’s possible to see only one of them, my precious little grandson… who looks like the little boy I once had.

I reached out to see my grandchildren… was made to understand that I had to go back into the past to answer questions… that are no longer important.

I won’t do that…. I won’t play games with anyone… life is about moving ahead, loving the ones in your life ‘now’. I am too fragile to go back to remember the grief, pain in my son’s heart the last time he saw his daughter.

I won’t write about it here… it would be devastating… too private. The last words she said to him… he carried to his grave… they weren’t the only words. I do… remember them.

I’ve let go of a beautiful child, granddaughter I truly love, and liked so much the last time I saw her. Her mother made sure she won’t ever be in my life… I accept that with such respect. I would never do anything to hurt them.

When I read the things she wrote, I could go back to ‘being her age, and ‘see’… she has a long way to go in life to understand that life ‘is now’… you don’t ‘dwell in the past’… it’s not her fault she doesn’t know that now. You see, I understood so much from her words… it’s ‘not so long ago’ that I used to be her age, and I thought ‘just like that’.

I love her, I’m glad she’s my granddaughter’s mother… she’s just being protective of … her only child. She loves her, has a good life for her.

Isn’t that what is most important in life… isn’t that what a grandparent wishes for their grandchild… life ‘isn’t all about the grandparent’… and who sees who… it’s about… the child. I’m just so grateful… my granddaughter has a real family; a good family support… that’s most important to me.

I’ve got to remember now… it’s possible I can see my grandson… I keep ‘forgetting’. I want to see him very much… this is the only grandchild I ‘feel a bond’ with. He knows me, he speaks of me. My other grandchild doesn’t know who I am, any longer. No matter if later, it’s meant for me not to have him in my life… I will understand no matter what.

I ‘know life can be that way’. Thankfully, I’ve been writing for so long… they will one day see that I truly loved them… would never be an ugly ‘Granny Gee’… who whines, cries, screams cuss words, call names, and do vindictive things to hurt the mothers of my grandchildren. I love them… no matter what. They are special… look who their children are… my grandchildren.

You see… my life has been very strange since being a young child. I didn’t realize until I became older… I was ‘being groomed’ for the ‘painful life’ I’ve had. I didn’t know I had such hard lessons to learn in life… very hard, very painful. I have always wished ‘to be perfect’… I never could be. If I had been…. I’d learned my lessons the ‘easy’ way……

When I say this… know that I kept meeting ‘all’ head-on in my life… after being ‘knocked on my ass’ time after time, after time… again… year after year of my whole life. (Yes, I did say ‘ass’… it’s just the way it is… no apologies in a good way :))).

‘Damn’… I couldn’t be perfect … no matter what? I had to do ‘things my way’… ‘get on the wrong paths… fight like hell to get on the right ones… I got lost so many times’). I was still a ‘good person’, but, ‘lost’…..

I never ‘felt sorry for myself… I just kept trying to learn my lessons in life. When I thought ‘I knew so much’… I found out that I ‘didn’t know a ‘damn’ thing’.

I have cried millions of diamond teardrops… but, I don’t complain, cry ‘woe is me’. I’ve been angry, just plain ‘pissed off’… but, I don’t do that. I just kept trying to make sense of each event… tried to make peace with it. I couldn’t change it happening… I could only make the choice of ‘going forward’. It was no where easy as it is to write the words … here.

Most of the time… I didn’t go forward ‘gracefully’… I really try to do that… I wanted to grow old ‘gracefully’… life has had a way of changing what ‘one wants, means to do in life’… to completely ‘twisting all around’…. taking you on roads so unexpected… so, not ‘you’.

Life is like the guy on Survivorman… life would ‘just drop my ass on some isolated road… tell me to ‘find yourself’. Find myself? You just wouldn’t believe the roads I have traveled to ‘find myself’. The strange thing is… ‘I was there all the time’. :)))

I was the ‘good person’ I thought I was … in the end. Do you know how a ‘woman has to look ugly at the beauty shop… just to get beautiful again’? The other ladies all sit there, are watching and having thoughts of thinking how ugly that woman is… how the rollers look in her hair… that’s an ugly critter!

But… after ‘getting so ugly’… the magic begins! All of a sudden, you see those ladies begin to sit forward in their chairs to see better… magic is beginning!

Why… that woman is beginning to become ‘beautiful’! She ‘really wasn’t ugly’ at all! She was pretty ‘all along’… ‘yeah, I know… there really are some ‘ugly people’ who never become ‘beautiful’! You know ‘those mean, hateful, bad ……….. !’

I look ‘like hell, lost my ‘graceful looks’… :))) So, ‘now’… I’m going to ‘grow old … gracefully… ‘ugly’ in looks :))) Do you know what? I really hated to admit that… :)))

I am going to grow old gracefully … being an ugly… graceful, old woman! :))) But… I’ll be a ‘good, old, ugly woman’… I think I’m beginning to accept that… not fight it. Just do my best, let it go… I have to… I can’t stay ‘here, dwell on it’… life go on.

I want to live… and if ‘I have to live it ‘ugly’… I will’. I won’t apologize… I have come ‘through hell, death’… be ‘be here’… now.

All I can say is… if no one likes it, and is offended by my ‘ugly exterior’… deal with it! If you can’t take a few minutes to see that I’m ‘beautiful inside, my looks have faded like a rose’… I don’t mind. I don’t have time for you… I have a lot of living I want to do… move out of my way. (I mean that in a ‘good way’… but, I mean it in a ‘bad’ way if … I have to).

I can’t make you like me… I won’t waste time trying… I wasted enough time trying to get here through ‘bad things, real-bad things’ that were obstacles in my life. You have no idea how I have fought to get here… to this very minute.

If you judge me on looks… then, you are not ‘my kind of bird of a feather’. All I can say is…. ‘I used to be pretty’! :))) Now… you go on with your life…

I love real people who have lived ‘real’ life. They know pain… they learned from it… they learned the lessons one needs to in this life. They aren’t ‘shallow’ people…. if you haven’t learned these things… there’s no way… you can’t come to the plane I’m on… and talk with me.

You can’t reach it if you’ve never known the things I’ve been through… walked the roads I’ve walked on. Those ‘stairsteps aren’t for you’… yet; maybe they never will be. Then, that means you are having that wonderful, perfect life I always wanted to know… one full of love, happiness, no medical or financial worries.

I’m happy for you… though, I worry for you ‘when something happens’. I was ‘groomed from a small child, learning the pain, grief in life’…. I’m not sorry for myself… somebody has to learn it… someone has to be able to tell others about it. Let them know they aren’t the only ones … ‘who hurt’.

Everything is going to be all right. Of course, the grief and pain will always be there… sometimes, it’ll be harder… but, I reached another ‘plane in life’ … I’m learning I can go on now… I’ve accepted what I can’t change… and I’ve coped with it.

I found out now… all my crying, grieving can’t change a thing. So, when I cry, grieve… I know it’s from the ‘great love I had for my only child… my son, Tommy’. This is ‘why I cry for Tommy… now’.

I miss him so much… he’s still ‘real’ in my mind. He seems to still be here… especially when I look at his photos. He was a real person, I knew him. I know what he sounded like… I still hear him speak, laugh, cry… in my mind. I ‘see him’ moving, walking, sitting… working… in my mind. He’s real… in my mind.

I cry because … now, this ‘is the only place I can find… Tommy. I can’t just call him, see him in person… I can’t hear him ‘try to sing’ anymore (Tommy, you really couldn’t sing, my special son :))) You see… I loved you my precious son… even now… we have to admit you couldn’t sing. I can see you smiling in my mind… because you can’t believe I’m saying that!

I write my life, about Tommy…. everything… the colors/my stories of my life at my primary blog… I share my life on Facebook, and on the Facebook page of Precious Camo… the little puppy I rescued from certain death on July 4th.

I published my book filled with my grief, pain…. my goal being accomplished … whether I ever make money or not, on it…. I made sure my son would never be forgotten.

Getting back, after saying ‘all this’…. I’m thinking this year everyone has had so many things happening that is sometimes, scary… unhappy… lost someone in death… lost their homes… lost their families in divorces… gas prices so high that money used for food, clothing, their families is used to buy gas to work to survive… and then, the … government ‘shut-down’.

So many unexpected things are happening in ‘today’s time, lots of times, it’s a ‘first’… things people haven’t had to deal with.

We are all affected by this… we can hardly afford to buy gas to travel to our doctor appointments… just to go to town 4 miles away… twenty dollars doesn’t buy much gas… our tanks go empty so quickly. We don’t complain… we keep on struggling along with everyone else. I worry about young families…. worry for this, worry for that… life’s very hard.

One could go on and on…. maybe that’s ‘why’ everyone wants the holidays earlier… the soft, wonderful, colorful lights that bring hope… when one looks into them, becomes lost in them… their minds will go to a ‘magical place’ quickly, wishing and thinking about loved ones… what they’d love to do for their loved ones… what they’d like to have in their life.

This ‘is a time of year that … anything can be possible! A dream can come true! Magic happens! Miracles happen!’ The most unexpected, wonderful things can happen…. ‘to anyone’!

The holiday sounds are wonderful, they bring back happy memories we all learned as children… it’s soothing, calming to our very souls to listen to.

We’ve grown up (even if mine were never happy times, I was happy for others… I would watch wonderful families to ‘know what holidays meant… I would try to ‘feel them in my mind’… I would walk in town where I lived… see through people’s windows… see bright lights, happy people moving around… sitting at their dining tables with their family members… even hear happy sounds! See the wonderful Christmas trees in the background, glowing with happy colors!)

Of course, being a child… I did … wish. Sadly, it didn’t happen… but, I still … lived. I still got up each time, ‘life pushed me to the ground’.

It’s the same way, ‘today’…. for three years I have been struggling to get back up… I almost ‘fell for the last time when life handed me the death of my son’. I have had such a time to stand up under the weight I carry now… the grief of my son being gone.

I think I’m standing up… now. It sure feels like it… I’m feeling the holidays ‘early’ …just like everyone seems to be this year. I’m going to decorate, make happy colors come alive in our home beginning in this following week. We don’t have a lot of money to spend… but, that’s okay. I’m going to make it special… all one has to do is look around… and ‘just feel the magic, and know anything can happen’!

Why? Because life is all about …. HOPE! Yes! That is what I’ve learned lately… life is all about ‘HOPE’.

I’ve learned another secret to life… Hope. I have learned that the secrets to life are: love, caring, giving…. and now… it’s hit me… a light came on! HOPE is a secret to life, too. I knew that… but, I ‘didn’t know’ that. ‘Now… I know….

There’s always hope… we never give up hope… no matter what… everything’s going to be alright. Just ‘you don’t ever give up hope’… you ‘get up from that ground, dust ‘them’ pants off… love, care, give even if it’s a smile, a kind word… and care with your heart about people, animals.

Even if you don’t have opportunity to do these things… feel them in your Heart. Remember everything’s going to be alright… I didn’t say it is going to be easy at all… it never has been in my experience… but, always HOPE. Where there’s hope, a miracle can happen… this is exactly how I feel about it. These are my words….

Where there’s HOPE.. a miracle can happen. You are reading words from a ‘Miracle’… you just don’t know it. If you knew everything… I would have nothing to write about anymore. :)))

I’m forever grateful to people who have touched my life in the most positive, wonderful ways. Who have given to me, without asking me if I needed anything…. who have said comforting words to me when I didn’t know they knew something was wrong with me… who never asked… just sensed. I’m grateful for so much in my life.

I always hoped… that no matter what… someone would care about me… be there for me. I don’t have many people ‘there’… but, I’m so fortunate… I could be all alone.

I just realized something at this very moment… ‘you are all there’! Do you know what? I’m so grateful for ‘you’… do you know ‘why’… you’ve all stayed here since I began writing… writing my pain, grief just after my son, Tommy… died. ‘You are still here’… plus, thousands more people! I’m so grateful for my ‘old and new friends’… I’m so grateful for ‘you’.

I forgot to say… that’s something else I’ve learned in life… and never mentioned. Do you know ‘why’? Because I’ve been so used to ‘being grateful’… I didn’t realize that I’d learned that ‘lesson’ a long time ago in my life. :))) Gratefulness… that’s another secret to … Life.

I’m going to be in the holiday spirit now… after three long years. I’m going to put those soft-colored, happy Christmas lights ‘everywhere’. Turn the little fireplace on … it’s here in the living room… put the little, sad Christmas tree we had up last year… back up this coming week…. it will be a happy, bittersweet tree this year… but, it’ll glow with happiness.

Skip is going to get up a bigger one to put in the living room… more soft-glowing lights to cast a magical atmosphere to ‘get lost in’. There might not be a whole lot of presents… that’s fine…. there will be light… light is life, hope.

The secrets to life are the things I just told you… to enjoy them, you have to ‘feel them inside’… you can’t buy them. Love, caring, giving…. hope… gratefulness.

They can’t be wrapped in a present… but, then… again… they ‘can be’ by the things we do get for our loved ones… even ‘the smallest things’. Symbols of all we feel… a way of showing how we care.

I know lots of people can give a lot… lots really can’t. That’s sad…because even knowing life isn’t about material things… people no matter how old, or young… are like children… they still hope, wish… it’s the way we are. We are just human… life is like that. :)))

No matter what… everything will be all right… no matter how bad, or how good… you will see something ‘good somewhere or other’. I know this to be true. Just pay attention… remember I never said it’d be easy… for some of us… it isn’t.

We are the ones who ‘had to learn the hard way’… maybe so, we’d tell others… maybe we can ‘save them from making the same mistakes… maybe to show them that no matter if you are dying, almost died… had cancer… you lived.

Maybe … losing a child… you still lived to tell your story… you still learned from life, so others can ‘see they can make it, too’.

Maybe… to see that you were bullied, you almost committed suicide, you were beaten, bad things happened in your life… to show others that…they too, can survive. Maybe… a child, or an adult who has been mistreated, injured by another mean person… had/have a terminal illness can read our words… and gain from them.

They can find a will to live… remember the old saying, ‘if there’s a will, there’s a way’?

Why all the ‘maybes’…. Just maybe… they can find HOPE… with hope, there’s life. Hope is the ‘light of life’… just look around you when you see people come together when ‘bad things’ happen. If one can’t be there… ‘go there in your mind’… send those special thoughts in the air with thousands of other thoughts, prayers… they really work. I know this in so many ways to be … true.

These are my opinions, my outlook on life…. I don’t tell anyone to do anything… I can only write from ‘my experience’…. and God knows all my experiences in life… have been ‘something else’.

But… what if someone was right at this very word I’m writing ‘now’… and felt something special inside? What ‘if they felt…. HOPE’!
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My links to these places are:

http://happycolorsandgrannygee.blogspot.com …my primary blog
(Come by my friend)..

https://facebook.com/camocameobates … the puppy I rescued… I’m almost ready to publish my book about her; her angel.

The title will be: Camie’s Angel, and will be sold only on Amazon.com . Her name was originally ‘Camo’ when I picked her up from the cold, wet ground… saved her.

Her angel renamed her ‘Camie… in my book… you can read in her words, ‘why?’. (Come be her friend, too).

See how people like you have helped to save her with their donations for her medical care… look at photos, see how she didn’t have hair on her body… since July 4th, 2013 until now (October 10, 2013.

Look how beautiful she is now… though, she isn’t healed yet… she has a ways to go… look at her beautiful hair, the expression in her eyes!

I call her …. ‘Our Pup’…. prayers, positive thoughts, love, and donations to her medical care have come from ‘all of Camie’s Angel… and all the Angels that have followed.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………

The Many Faces Of Granny Gee… A Walk On The Wild Side… Many Photos!!!


 

THE MANY FACES OF GRANNY GEE… LOOK IF YOU DARE!!!

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee   (and “yes, I did do that!”)  Ha! Ha! Ha!

 

 

 

Well, I’m going to show you some secret faces of me, Granny Gee, Gloria Faye Brown Bates.  :)))

 

It’s not very often I let anyone ‘see the real me’…. Tommy and Skip knows the ‘real me’… I can be quite comical, amusing.  It’s just been such a long time when I’ve felt like having fun…

 

Skip swears that I can sit and entertain myself all day, if I want to.  He is fascinated by the things I do sometimes.  Tommy… well, Tommy and I had quite a lot in common… he was quite entertaining, also!

 

Skip… he can be so funny.  No one knows what he will say next… when he does say something, I can stand back and watch, hear the laughter, see expressions on everyone’s face.  When both he and Tommy were together… I’d just enjoy listening.  I knew Tommy was ‘gathering funny stuff from Skip’ to use later when he was back on the road.  He admired Skip, loved how ‘quick Skip was on his feet’.

 

What was so funny was… later in time, Tommy ‘would forget where he learned some funny stuff from’…. and ‘use it on Skip’.  Skip would stop, look at Tommy, begin laughing, and say:  “Tommy!  You’re using my own material on me!”  I loved seeing Tommy’s special grin as it dawned on him that… he was doing just that!  He would laugh so much… his cheeks would be alittle ‘red’… and I would begin laughing.  I loved those times!

 

I used to sit, play on the webcam… doing silly things unexpectedly… send them to Tommy on the road… he wouldn’t be expecting ‘his mama’ to do something so silly… and would get a big laugh.  Of course, he had to tell Skip… he and Skip were always ‘telling each other things on me’!

 

Now… if I feel I want to be silly… Tommy’s not here to appreciate it!  So… I guess I’m going to have to be ‘silly’ here… sometimes… now, I’m only like this …rarely.  So, think how ‘I could become a collector’s item’… you won’t see this very often!

Sometimes… there are ‘pages in my book’ that you won’t ever know about… so, ‘read, look along for a few minutes’… be entertained.  I like funny things, too!  I haven’t been funny in a long time!

 

Below… are some of the ‘Many Faces of Granny Gee’…… Look if you dare!  :)))

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please everyone… ‘don’t be hating!’  I’m sorry (no, I’m not!)… I couldn’t help myself!  Life is like this sometimes… one never knows what will come up ‘right out of the blue’… Do you know what?  This was fun!  Yes!  I did that!  Love, Granny Gee (see, I told you I’m not perfect… and now, you know that I like to laugh, have fun… too!)

 

P.S…..

 

Thinking about what I just did… will make the rest of my day better…. embarassing, a red face, disbelief I showed ‘myself in such a light’… too bad, because…

 

P.P.S……

 

Good girls want to have fun… too!  I just did!  That ole Granny Gee has still got it!  I hope I made you laugh… because I just had some good laughs that I needed so… I needed to ‘walk on the wild side for a few moments’… now… I feel good!  Silly?  Yes, but… so fun!

 

P.P.P.S…….Love me or hate me… I’m just Granny Gee

I just wanted to have some fun!I’m Granny Gee… I’m the one!  I’m not ‘the man’… I am the ‘wo- man’!

 

Forgive me Lord, at this moment ‘I know not what I do’

I’ve just had a bout of insanity!

I just did this without my own permission

Can I do this, and say

The devil made me do it?!!!

 

Ha! Ha! Ha!

:))) :))) :)))

 

The more I think about it… I might just delete this whole thing!

Mmmm-mmmmmm……….

 

Nope… no can do!

:)))))))))))))))

 

Love, Granny Gee (not Gloria Faye Brown Bates… she didn’t have anything to do with this!)

:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

That’s What Happens When You Raise A Little Girl In …Hell


Photos of Gloria Faye Brown Bates as a

little girl… photo of Gloria Faye Brown

Bates taken yesterday as a ‘big girl‘… :)))

below:

 

That’s What Happens When You Raise A Little Girl… In Hell

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

The design is intricate, little swirls of gold

Little dots of gold sit on each swirl, shaped into a heart

That fits inside the palm of my hand

At the top, inside the little gold heart

 

Is another gold heart, neither heart is solid

Both outlined in gold… inside the other heart

Is a little green stone… a little round emerald

Sitting there sparking a special memory at me!

 

On the back, one can see the little gold clasp

This little piece of inexpensive jewelry is meant to be

Pinned anywhere the wearer wants to put it

On a sweather, on a blouse, on a… hat… just wherever the heart desires

 

That’s not what this is about, doesn’t matter if it cost a nickel or a thousand dollars

The feeling it evokes from it is most precious, meaningful

It’s not the cost, or how fancy it is that’s important here

It’s about something more important… more amazing

 

This little gold-emerald heart now, represents a … bridge

A bridge across troubled years, spanning through generations

From a distant cousin, who if one thinks about it… not really so distant

When one puts in perspective that her mother and I were very close as children, we were… almost sisters

 

What’s amazing is … a connection was made through time that was almost

Impossible… really impossible, no one saw it coming

It happened by chance, right out of the blue

A meeting so unlikely… that it seemed… ‘meant to be’

 

I won’t say anymore… in this family one doesn’t say anything because

Through time, very few relationships withstood the years of time

Someone always became envious, angry because they weren’t a part

Destroyed all good every chance they got… most of those people are ‘gone now’… sadly, there are still a few left… ‘always watching, listening’…

 

When it would have been heart-touching, a pleasure to include them

Making a lot of ‘family’ members close together, but, no… who wants that

When Hell can be raised, people’s hearts hurt, crush their asses if you can

No, let’s don’t have peace on earth, let’s make war… let’s raise Hell

 

Some of us came through Hell, lived in Hell … breathed Hell

Some came away grown up with Hell still in them through the years

I came away, shaking the hell off me like a dog shedding water

It took many years to get it off… I didn’t want … Hell to stick to me

 

I loved the finer things of life, the quiet, peacefulness I sought

Not all the time was it to be… because no matter where I went, I be damned… Hell came looking for me

I met it head-on as I’m no stranger to hell, I grew up to be a fierce fighter

I’ve fought mean people who meant me harm, who hated me all because I just wanted to be ‘good’… because, I am… different… I try so hard to be ‘a good person’… mind me now…. I said ‘try to be a good person’… I’m not perfect!

 

Jealousy… hatred… envy, who in the Hell do ‘I think I am’… I am nobody

Because I came from where they did… do I think I’m going to get away

Having a good life full of peace, happiness, good health?

Oh no, Life had its tricks up its sleeve…

 

It threw everything it could at me, it … wreaked Hell upon Hell upon me

Taking through death… the very people I truly loved

Taking away all my material things I thought at one time meant so much

Not only that… took away a part of myself… Life took away my child, my only son

 

Oh, Life… you almost got me that time, you almost conquered my ass

You almost kept me to the ground, hopefully to …’put me in the ground’

But… you didn’t count on my hero, my soulmate being there to protect me

He was my secret weapon… who watched over me, pulled me out of the Ocean of Grief where I was drowning

 

So… I survived one more time… I’ve come through pain inflicted upon my body

Pain, and things that go along with it… from many hands that touched my little body in ways they shouldn’t have when I was a child

I’ve survived childbirth, I’ve survived  suicide attempts as a young girl trying to escape, trying to escape Hell as a child… only to run away to try to escape again… I’ve survived heart failure, accidents… I am a cancer surviver… looking back, how did I survive these things… and things I can’t tell you about?

Look at me Life… I know Hell, I’ve lived Hell… you kicked my ass, left me to lie on the cold, cold ground

 

I’m no stranger to Hell… Life forgot … I know it well when it threw a very young girl into the fire

She became a firewalker, a fighter… she learned to meet things head-on

When they threatened her with blackmail, to take her life, to destroy her

Because… through time, she learned not to run… to hold her ground, come into her own… come Hell or high water

 

What you see now, is an older woman who learned from every mistake she ever made

Who became the kindest person in the world, though… not one to be taken advantage of… (Hell’s always lurking ready to ‘break loose’… if you do)

One who isn’t perfect at all, who doesn’t pretend to be other than who she is

I don’t have riches, I’m not famous… Hell, I’m no one… but, me

 

See, the Memory Lane the little gold-emerald heart took me down

All because of the way I grew up… never taking love for granted

It could be there for a moment… jerked away the next

So, this little gold-emerald heart represents to me… a moment of love, connection… that might not be there … tomorrow

 

I will hold onto it, smiling as I think about the several family members who stood around me who… made me feel love

For a wonderful moment, I had connection to ‘family’… that meant the world to me

I know tomorrow when I wake up… it all might not be there anymore

That’s alright, I know how Life can be… they can’t help if they don’t love me forever, because Life… is like that

 

Yes, this little gold-emerald heart makes a softness in my heart… I look at

Hold it, turning my head this way… that way while in thought

How special yesterday was… I got up never knowing it would happen

For a few moments, there was ‘family’… the most happy feelings… I have proof… I hold a little gold-emerald heart in my hand…

 

My ass has been been kicked my whole life… Life threw it all at me

But… when you put a small child in Hell from the beginning… it learns

How to survive… how to meet Life head-on… learning from everyone

Who doesn’t want to have peace on earth, wants to make war for the pleasure of it… whose motto is:  ‘Come on, let’s Raise Hell!’

 

I’m not a Hell Raiser, never wanted to be, not going to be…

But, I know how… the knowledge ‘is there’… for only if I ever need it

Because I’m not going to run like I did as a child… I’m going to hold my ground

If someone doesn’t want peace, wants to make war, and ‘raise Hell’….

 

Getting back to the little gold-emerald heart… even if those good feelings are gone ‘tomorrow’… it’s so possible

I hold in my hand … a few rare moments… of how it feels to have real family

How special it felt…. like living in such cold weather, going to the beach to run, play in the warm sunshine, warm sea… how good it feels

I will hold onto this little gold-emerald heart, I have a good memory… I got to feel for a rare moment… ‘family’

 

I missed out on so much, I tried to have my own real family, a real life

Be damned if Life didn’t show my ass… my life was fractured all through time

Always someone who didn’t want ‘peace on earth, wanted to make war’… and always wanting … to raise Hell

That’s alright… I learned to keep to myself… live in peace on earth with my soulmate, my husband who wants me to have a good life

 

I won’t  live in Hell on earth, raise Hell… unless I’m pushed… if you ever see me otherwise… I’ve been pushed to the limit

Know that I admire seeing, hearing families… fight to protect them

Families, people, animals… are most important in Life… that’s what Love, Life… is all about

Life isn’t about material things… though they make such a difference in life

 

We love to give them to make another person happy, to let them know we care…

Giving………. that’s what Life is about, making others safe, happy, cared for

This is the whole Secret Of Life… giving, caring, protecting every living being

A kind word, a gesture doesn’t have to cost money… look at the effect the little gold-emerald heart had on me

 

In your case though, the good feelings and love will always be there

In my Life… I’m older… so, I don’t always expect them to be there ‘tomorrow’

That’s alright, I’m used to such… I can cope with it better than you can

That’s what happens when you raise a little girl in Hell… where people don’t want peace on earth, want to war… always ready to … raise Hell!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

UPDATE On Book Two: The Saga of Victoria Fairchild


Update on Book Two:  The Saga of Victoria Fairchild

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

‘Photo’ of Victoria Fairchild… by Gloria Faye Brown Bates… soon, there will be a ‘photo’ of Lind Lou Livingston, Victoria’s first cousin.

This a little update on ‘Book Two’ … The Saga Of Victoria Fairchild.

It seems Victoria’s first cousin, Lind Lou Livingston… has come into Victoria Fairchild’s life.

Now, Lind Lou is a character that shakes everything up… everywhere she goes.  Victoria doesn’t know everything about Lind Lou… only sometimes, when they were younger… Victoria knew ‘bad things happened’ when Lind Lou was around.

Lind Lou loves to paint, she is a wonderful artist.  Her pictures look ‘alive’…  Lind Lou uses lots of interesting things to paint with.  Her favorite color is … red.  She loves to use all shades of ‘red’.  Yes, Lind Lou’s pictures ‘almost move, speak to one’… almost as if to ‘cry out for help’.

Not only is Lind Lou an artist, she is a barber/beautician by trade.  She loves to ‘knick, cut’ by accident… someone’s ear, chin, neck. “Oh, I’m so sorry!”  Lind Lou will quickly say, while smiling her little evil grin… when she smiles, one needs to beware… but, how can they?  They ‘don’t know an evil grin from a … friendly, sweet grin’.

Nothing gets wasted when Lind Lou is around, not even the hair she cuts…

Lind Lou is tanned, beautiful, with her long black hair straight as a smooth ribbon.  She has brown eyes, and a smile that lights up the room she walks in … one senses something very mysterious about her… indeed it is.

Victoria is fair-skinned, beautiful, with her long, curly blonde hair. She is just as beautiful as her first cousin, Lind Lou.  One would remark when seeing them… ‘they are just as different as night and day, but… they are ‘tit for tat’ in their beauty.

If one had to choose which woman was most beautiful… they couldn’t.  When both walked into a room, the whole room is mesmerized by such ‘double beauty’.

They are first cousins, their mothers were sisters.  Their mothers had unusual talents… they inherited their talents, plus had more.

Victoria helps the homeless people she loves, she is protector of both people, animals.  Victoria will go to any length to protect, sometimes, as good as Victoria is … there are times Victoria has to be very… very bad.  She doesn’t choose to be… but, it happens.

Lind Lou, on the other hand, loves to see people suffer.  She loves to paint them ‘at their worst’, she loves the color ‘red’.  Lind Lou’s beauty hides the ‘real Lind Lou’.

She talks with a soft, beautiful, seductive voice … so easy to lure people in.  Think of a black widow spider… beautiful with a red spot, the black widow spider is as lethal, as it is beautiful.

*********************************************************************************

Above is an ‘update’… filled with hints, clues of what’s happening in Victoria’s life.  It’s beginning to get …very interesting.  Victoria doesn’t know what to expect, in fact… she didn’t know she … had to expect anything!  She’s just glad to see her cousin, Lind Lou.

They haven’t seen each other for years, Victoria has surprises coming her way.  It’ll be interesting to see …

Follow my main character, Victoria Fairchild.  My published ‘Book One’ is a 62 page introductory to her.  Now, it’s time to … shake things up a bit.  If you thought Victoria’s life was interesting, mysterious…. ‘you aint seen nothing yet!’