Maybe… Some Of The Black Slipped Off Its Wings…


Maybe…  Some Of The Black Slipped Off Its Wings!

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Black, clear winged Dragonfly on bedroom screen…  5-17-2014

Taking the tiebacks off each curtain, I looked at the bed, as I let the curtains fall loose, close.  I was getting ready to turn back the bed-covers… I was looking forward to going to bed.

I looked out each window just before the curtains closed… to make sure all looked alright.  All through the night when I get up, I pull curtains back, to look out… it’s a habit I developed years ago.  I don’t do that unless we have night lights outside.  I am afraid of the dark.

Night before last… I had gotten up about 3:00 am.  I wanted to get a bottle of water from the refrigerator.  I pulled the curtain back with my hands… I froze.  There was something big on the screen… it looked dark with the nightlight shining behind it.

Surely it must be a big spider… a really big one, I thought.  I turned the lamp on… with the night light, and lamp light… I saw a big …… dragonfly!  It was strange… looking.

Not only that, it isn’t the kind we’ve always seen around here.  This was bigger, and … black.  The wings were black, and …. clear!  I’ve never seen a dragonfly like that.  I wanted to wake Skip up to tell him about this dragonfly.

You see… since Tommy died, we’ve seen the most strangest, special dragonflies from time to time.  Including how I came to get the dragonfly picture in the frame; and one of the Pups bringing a ‘dragonfly’ into the house… it was a root shaped like a dragonfly!

Tommy loved dragonflies.  We ‘feel’ Tommy when a dragonfly appears, and is … unusual.  This dragonfly on the screen… was very… unusual.

I took photos of the dragonfly.  During the next day I went to the bedroom to check on it… it stayed there all day on the screen.  Last night, just before going to bed… I checked on it.  It was still there, and I thought… it was dead… stuck on the screen.

Last night, I got up about 3:00 am… I opened the curtains to see the dragonfly… it was gone!  I woke Skip up when I said aloud that the dragonfly was gone!  I didn’t want it to be gone.

At least I have photos of the unusual dragonfly… its wings are very interesting.  Black and… clear.  I told Skip … maybe it’s a sign from Tommy… maybe some of the black slipped off its wings when it …. squeezed out of … Heaven!  Yes, I saw it in its ‘dragonfly form’… and now, I see it in the photos… maybe some of the black slipped off its wings!

Note by Author:  This really is strange… and we’ve been surprised by ‘strange dragonfly things’ … since Tommy died.  A lot of you know this, as each time I wrote about them.  So… what do you think?

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

When The Sun Went Away… I Began To Cry


When The Sun Went Away… I Began To Cry
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/Granny Gee

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Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

You smiled at me… no, it was a grin

A mischievous grin… I waited for your joke

When I saw that gleam in your eyes

I knew to watch out

You were going to play a prank on ‘Ole Mom’

You both laughed, talked, joked
I waited… I knew it was coming
You couldn’t fool me… you were going to get me
Get me, you did… when I least expected it
You both laughed, and laughed

I began laughing, too
Because I’d just been pranked by my son
Whom I loved with my very heart
He did his cowardly lion laugh
That put me in hysterics, on the floor

It tickled me so good
Because he did it better than the cowardly lion
He did it with a deep tone in his voice
It began slow… picked up speed
It kept on, I laughed until I was weak

Your smile was bright as the sun
When we last sat at the picnic table
I really noticed it… it stood out to me
You said those were the best sandwiches you ever ate
I really looked at you… you said that’s right, they were

I looked into your handsome face
Lit up by a sunshine smile
How I loved you with my very heart
I’ll never forget you live
That God gave me you, my son

That was the last time I saw you
You smiled, tooted the horn
Rode down the driveway in your big, white truck
Waving at your Ole Mom
Waving at her for the last time… goodbye

I sit here, I think I’m going to cry
No, I think I’ll scream to heaven
God, why did you take my son
Why did you take him away from me
Don’t you know how much he meant to me?

The anger I feel in my heart
The more my mind screams
Screams the pain his death has caused
People walk by me, smile
I stand there angry, grieving, mad at the world

No one knows the difference
They can’t see how my heart hurts, grieves
Damn you, God
Please forgive me, I know I said that
I’m hurting now, I know I struck out

Struck out at you, God, blamed you for my pain
I think we all do that from time to time
Who am I to say who is to blame
I’ll just think how grateful I am to have known my son
He was my son, my child… my only one

I really have no choice as I stand in front of you
Smiling my quiet, sweet smile
While my heart is breaking, my mind screaming
You only see a sweet, little old woman
Looking back at you

Who listens to your problems
Feels your pain, gives her time to listen to you
You’ll never know what she feels
She’ll never share it with you in words
But… she will come here… to write her pain

Soon… the holidays will come again
For the fourth time… without you, Son
What am I going to do… it hurts so bad
What am I going to do… the pain has broken free
From all I protected me from…. I feel it now with my heart

It began several days ago, I should have known
When I felt the darkness slinking around
Trying to drown the sunshine out, make me feel inside
Panic… like birds fluttering their wings against the bars
To get out of the cage they find themselves trapped in

How can I push this wave of pain back
This time, it’s really bad… what am I going to do?
I can’t just go talk to anyone… I can’t talk about my pain
I can only write the grief, as my fingers feel it flow
Through each fingertip… when I tap each key

I’ve had many distractions, Skip’s been sick
I rescued a little puppy… both are better now
Thank-you, God… you answered my prayers
Please help me once again… my heart is heavy
I feel afraid… I feel death is near… please make it go away

I don’t want to lose anymore people I love
Should I just hate everyone …so, I can’t feel
Hate until my soul turns black?
I can’t do that … I hate dark colors in my world
I’ll love until my soul is only happy colors

I’ll love the people in my heart
But, I’ll never get close to them
So, I can’t feel the pain
Of losing them… should something happen
Understand… I love you … at a distance

It’s the only way I know
For years I talked about ‘Family’
I see I’m just the same
I stay quiet with my pain, tell no one
So, they wonder why Gloria’s like that

At this day, time… I’m thinking they are like me
In the respect, that one can’t depend on their love forever
It’s love one day… hate the next… never consistent
It’s better to grow old alone than to feel anymore
So, understand why I’m this way

Losing Tommy has done something to me
Yes, you thought right… it did do that
Not make me crazy, lose my mind
But… make me more hesitant to get too close to anyone
I love you all more than you know… this is just… the way I am

Can’t you just love me back… understand
That I have to be to myself as I love you in return
Please accept me the way that I am
To love someone is to accept them as they are
Even if I don’t say it… I love all of you

I’m the most imperfect person in the world
Even if you think you are… I don’t think that way
I don’t judge people by their covers, what they have
I do go by the way they treat others… me
I can love you no matter who you are… who am I not to?

I’ll leave you with these words before I go
That comes from the pain I feel in my heart
Love your children, always let them know
How much they mean to you, no matter if they squirm
Secretly… they smile because it means the world to them

I thought as I wrote this pain that it would go away
No, it didn’t… what will I do this time to help myself
Get past this ‘bad day’ I’m having, what will I do?
When I feel as if I’ll fall to the ground, scream in anger
Where is my son? Scream to the heavens my very pain

All left for me to do… is to go to sleep
To close my mind, not feel the pain
Hope to wake up with a smile on my face
Let my spirit soar high above me
Thank-God for another day

Lately, I tried to ignore the feelings inside me
I knew it was going to happen, I tried to pretend
That everything’s alright… really it wasn’t
I think it’s okay ever so often… if I have a ‘bad’ day
Still… everything’s going to be all right… it always is

I have to get past feeling like the little birds
Trapped in a cage, panicky because they can’t get out
Fluttering, beating my wings against the bars
Something will open the door… let me fly free
Of my grief, my pain that… trapped me

I think this happened because the sun went away
It won’t come back out on this cloudy day
When it went away, it took my happiness with it
That won’t come back until the sun shines
When the sun went away… I began to cry