I Promise I Would Come Looking For You In Heaven, Son

I Promise I Would Come Looking For You in Heaven, Son
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

I Promise I Would Come Looking For You in Heaven, Son
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

Today makes 5 years you have been gone
I sit here thinking of you, Son
Tears run down my cheeks
Drench my Heart … rains on my Soul

I miss you, Son … it hurts so bad
I’ve never felt such pain
It never goes away no matter how much I pretend
I’ve lost my only child, yet … I appear all right

I have to play the game of life
Go on so … all can live around me

Without worrying I’m going to break

Go to pieces at any moment … everything’s all right

I pretend enough that even I believe
Everything’s going to be all right
Underneath the surface is another story
It’s one no one else can see … I know it’s there

 

Sweet Chadwick … the last Pup link to Tommy.  Tommy loved Chadwick and his funny personality.  Chadwick born 5-13-2007  … died 1-16-2015

Tommy and Taban …

 

 Tommy trying to make Taban laugh after he’d been crying …

Skip and Kissy Fairchild … Tommy didn’t get to know Kissy.  Our other Rottie, Fairchild who was 12 years old … died several months after Tommy.  We got Kissy soon after  … Kissy’s birthday is November 02, 2010.  Tommy’s birthday is November 20 (1969).

Precious Camie … Tommy didn’t get to know Camie, either.

 

Sweet Chadwick … how Tommy loved to play, pick on Chadwick!

 

Tommy getting to see his daughter, McKenzie … after a long time.

 

Tommy … I miss you, Son.  His wife gave me the card, and Tommy’s photo/ornament after Tommy died (at Christmas 2010).  I treasure it.  I’ll always love her. (and McKenzie’s mother).

 

Tommy’s hat … it fell to the sand when he collapsed with 3 blockages to his heart … at Myrtle Beach, S.C.  May 29, 2010.

 

On the refrigerator … remembering my Son, always.

Tommy’s hat … flowers … and …

 

 Tommy’s lock of hair/ Tommy’s Chest

Tommy’s wife gave this to me at Xmas after Tommy died.  I put it on the Bottle of Light that a good friend, Cindy Blackmon, made for us.

 

 My Son, and I …

Skip, myself (Gloria), and Tommy …

 

Skip and I …

My precious Son, Tommy … my only child.

 

My Precious Husband, Skip …

 

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

Remembering my only child, Tommy …

 

I Cry For Tommy Logo … made for me by Donna Orbon Jamila

And …  it hurts so bad.

I make Dragonflies in memory of Tommy.

Tommy holding his newborn son, Taban.

 

My son, Tommy …

A book of pure grief I wrote … I can’t remember writing it.  Pain … pure pain.

Grief … a grieving mother’s pain
Love for her child even though he’s not there
Today is the anniversary of my Son’s death
I love you Tommy, today … I’m remembering you

I remember you always, today isn’t any different
But … we humans always honor a day
When significant things happen to us
Today’s date is a reminder my son went away

Away forever, breaking my very Heart
I didn’t think I could recover
Recover I did … got up, dusted my pants off
It was the worst fall in my entire life

Thought I’d die when I lost the only child
I ever had … treasured with my Heart
Skip, our Pups … made me come back
I promise if it hadn’t been for them …

I would have come to Heaven looking for you
My son, a part of me whom I loved like life
Yes, I promise I would have come to Heaven
Looking for you, Son

But now … I’m not alone
I have my whole world here
Skip, The Pups … I can’t leave them alone
I love you, Son … today I’m crying for you

Because it’s all right … today everyone understands
Why I would cry tears of pain
It’s the anniversary of your death
It’s all right to cry … on anniversaries … it’s all right to cry today

I’m remembering you, Precious Son
Sometimes, my tears are pure frustration
For the short time, I had you in my Life
Sometimes, the pain is just … too bad

Thank God for Skip, our Pups
Thank God for my very World
I can’t leave them … if I didn’t have them
I promise I would come looking for you in Heaven, Son

________________________________________________________________________

Note by this Author:

*** Tommy died May 29, 2010 … Today, May 29, 2015 makes 5 years now. Five years of pure pain … pain that means pure love for the only child I ever had. I am a mother of one child who is no longer here … I am a grieving mother now.

*** I weep tears at this moment while all alone. I can’t make anyone else sad, they can’t see me cry … cry my tears of pure pain, so many they almost drown my Soul … they fall straight from my Heart. I can’t believe the tears I have left to cry … so many, who would have believed after all the tears I’ve cried in 5 whole years?

***Don’t feel sorry for me. I’m writing the pain from my fingertips onto the keyboard … it’s my way of expressing my grief. That way I don’t have to let others see me cry … all they will see is a happy smile that’s real because I’m really glad to see them.

When you read this, it can help you understand another mother’s pain if she’s lost a child. You can read here, go quietly along your way never having to say a word. Don’t worry about me, I have become strong … strong as the biggest redwood tree.

I have weathered many storms in my life … they’ve knocked me down, I keep getting up … I have found out something even I didn’t know … I ‘wasn’t supposed to be here, today’ … why?

Because … 16 years ago I should have died … the oncologist said that 98% of people who had what I did … aren’t alive today? I wonder why … I wonder why I am alive today? Do you ever wonder why?

Never feel sorry for me … I never have felt sorry for me. I learned as a child to face life head-on no matter how painful. I’ll do it until the day I die … I am strong as a redwood tree … I’ll weather any storm until one day … I’ll bow my head, let the winds blow me away to my final resting place.

I remember you today, Son. I’m so grateful to have Skip, whom you loved with your very Heart. I’m so grateful to have our Pups … you never knew … these Pups.

Sweet Chadwick died on January 16, 2015 … he was the last of our Pups that you knew, loved, laughed at because of his funny ways. I’m so glad I have Skip and our Pups, Son. I’d be looking for you in Heaven if I didn’t. Love, Mama