I’m Afraid My Dragonfly Will Fade Away …


Sitting here all alone … no one’s up but, me
I hear the cold wind blow … wind chimes ring

Snowflakes flying around … kissing the earth
While I sit here … feeling happy, sad

 

I have everything to be thankful … grateful for
So … why do I feel sad … about some little thing

 

Some little thing that was a big thing to me
In memory of someone that was my world

 

I wonder if I am a small … petty person
Just don’t know it … thinking I’m good

 

Am I just an ugly person … for wishing
Things to be right … upset easily, if not

 

Thinking about this … I’m sitting here all alone
Listening to the cold wind blow … feeling sad

 

Wind chimes rings … thoughts flow in my mind
They are on one little dragonfly that means the world

 

Every day I look at this little dragonfly
My hand touches it gently … like a mother touches a child

 

Saying ‘I love you, Son’ … this is in memory of you
I’m afraid my dragonfly … will fade away

 

 

Author’s Note:

Written, owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Little Girl in Older Woman’s Body …


 

Little Girl in Older Woman’s Body …

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny at Twitter

 

I saw you in the distance

I cried out for you

You didn’t hear me

Mama!  Mama, please don’t leave me!

I ran hard as I could to catch up with her

No matter how hard I ran … I never did

A little girl left all alone to fend for herself

In a world of pure torment … turmoil

In a house that sat … guarded the portal of Hell

A little girl who knew only cleanliness

Pretty dresses, good things to eat … love

Had a little brother she adored

Where did he go?  Where did Mama go?

The little girl cried herself to sleep

When she woke up … it was to loud fighting

Fighting with words, fists … bloodshed

I’ll teach you to mess with me, you bitch!

Fists pounding on flesh, big thump of a body hitting the floor

Heart pounding in her little chest

The little girl hid beneath the covers on the bed

Weeping came from the other room

This was the first of many fights she would see

Sometimes, she’d be the one knocked around

She wasn’t the only child … there were more

Their Mamas went away to … to come back another day

Leaving their children behind to the mercies of the world

Leaving them in a place called … Hell

Where there were demons, and evil spirits lurking

Hiding in people she loved … she saw them peep out

Anger would turn them into a devil, possessed

Gnashing of teeth, screaming … crying

Never any happiness … only sorrow

A fight each day … someone being hurt

Blood spotted the old, wooden floor

The little girl got to her knees to look closely

She couldn’t believe the spots were blood … but, they were

Blood beaten out of someone to splatter on the floor

Curses lingered in the very air … so potent … evil

Hell’s arena … waiting for its next victim

Mama! Mama, where are you … please come back

Take me from this scary world … I’m afraid

Mama didn’t come back … the little girl stayed afraid

The little girl stayed afraid … without knowing

She began at her young age to build strength

Strength … that she would need when she became older

Without knowing … she would travel many painful roads

Without knowing … she became stronger

Without knowing … she would be facing the unthinkable

The little girl grew up scarred to her soul

Yet … she survived it all with strength she didn’t know she had

Today that little girl still lives in an older body

Older body of an older woman who remembers

Who looks back at a little girl who was sweet, loving

Mistreated, abused in many ways  … the older woman smiles

She smiles a sadly, thinking … my, my … I’ve come a long ways

I’m fortunate to still be here … a little girl in an older woman’s body

Strength I didn’t know I had … has made me a survivor

A survivor of many things … too many to count

I’ve made it to be … old

Next thing you know … it’ll be time to die

A little girl in an older woman’s body

Taking her last breath … as a child

Going to her maker … weak as a newborn baby

To be made new … an angel now

To come back to watch over you

As you gain strength you didn’t know you had

Good can come from bad things

It doesn’t seem like it could

It can …. and it will all in time

Life is good … sadly, it can be bad … too

We have to make the very best of all we go through

Lead the way for others … show them they can survive

After all, that’s what life is truly about

Love, caring … being strong when others are weak

With the strength you never knew you had … until you needed it

 

 

Author’s Note:

Poem/photo written, owned by me … Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.  I am that little girl.

 

Death is Walking Near …


 

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny

 

 

Eyes closed, head pressed against my hands

 

Cold fingers caress my forehead

 

Emotion wells up inside my Heart

 

I hear the cold wind blowing, wind chimes ringing

 

I feel afraid … why?  I feel so small in this big world

 

Tears flow down my cheeks … clouds squeezing out raindrops

 

Why am I crying … why am I afraid … sad?

 

Death is walking near … I feel him ever so often

 

I pray with my Heart for him to go away

 

Please don’t touch my world anymore

 

You’ve taken everyone who meant the world to me

 

Please go away … I need what I have left

 

So, I can live, not be alone in this big, cold world

 

Sitting here, I wring my hands … I hear my dog howl

 

From the bedroom down the hall … did he sense something

 

Did he feel Death was walking close to us?

 

I pray my Lord to keep us safe, sound

 

Please don’t let Death enter my world … they’re all I have

 

I have my husband, our two Pups

 

I sit here with my head in my hands

 

I’m crying deep down in my soul … am I grieving

 

For my son … or am I just sad … why am I crying

 

Crying as my thoughts go through the walls to outside

 

To ride on the wind as they blow the wind chimes

 

They ring as I look about me … in the night

 

In the night light … trees sway … it’s so cold

 

Is Death coming for me … is that why I’m afraid

 

Why I’m sad … why I cry … do I sense something

 

Did my dog?  I don’t want to die either

 

I haven’t finished my living yet … I need more time

 

I find myself holding my hands to my Heart

 

My chin resting upon them … my eyes closed

 

I have a sick sensation in the pit of my stomach

 

Why?  I know everything will be all right

 

So … why am I crying … why am I sad, feel so down?

 

I become aware of the chimes ringing louder

 

The wind is blowing harder

 

I get up to go look out my window

 

I relax as I stand looking out … snowflakes!

 

The wind is blowing snowflakes from Heaven!

 

A smile comes to my lips … inside my Heart

 

I feel Life soar inside me … as Death goes away

 

Leaving me, my world alone for another time

 

I thank God from my Heart … for now, I’m not alone

 

 

 

Note by this Author:

 

I woke up at 2:00 am this morning, couldn’t go back to sleep.  Thoughts of things that slightly upset me were on my mind.  I can’t seem to shake them … make them go away.

 

I couldn’t lay in bed with such turmoil going on inside me … it was like a boat trying to float under water.  I just couldn’t do it.  I know you’ve had those times when you couldn’t just lay in a bed with so much going on in your mind.

 

I got up, came to my computer, began to write to make my sadness, yes … even some anger, fears go away.  I’ve written many words this morning to put distance between me … what makes me upset, afraid.

 

I still have a sick sensation in the pit of my stomach … I must have more words to write to make it go away.

 

Thoughts, photo written, owned by me … Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.+

I’ve Taken My Apple Out of the Bag Twice …


 

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

 

 

 

When one tries to be good always

What do they do when they feel anger?

What do they do?

When one tries to never think mean thoughts

What do they do if they think bad of someone

What do they do?

When one is human … never perfect

What do they do to get rid of anger, bad feelings

When they never let the person they’re angry with … know?

Never wanting to hurt another person

Yet … it’s going to happen sooner … later

Because to let them know how they made you feel … you have to tell them

It won’t ever go away … it’ll stay right there in your mind

Just as an apple placed into a bag stays … until taken out

I’ve taken my apple out of the bag twice in the past several weeks

Twice in several weeks … I’ve felt bad … it began to build inside

Not being one to hold things in … I felt the need to let each one know

How I felt … yet, I still feel bad … I still feel upset

Never wanting to hurt another person … yet … I know I have

Unintentionally … not because they hurt me first … and they did

Hurt them because … I expressed how I truly felt … and I’d do it again

Sorry I hurt them … not sorry for saying what’s on my mind

I’m not perfect … I should have let things go … I couldn’t

Sometimes … one can’t when it comes to being made to feel bad

I couldn’t … when someone wasted unnecessary words

Words that never need be spoken

Especially not to me … knowing I’m respectful of everyone

Knowing I’d never ask anything from anyone

I know you’ve felt the same when someone spoke unnecessary words to you

They knew better … why would they do it … anyway?

I’m being crytic … when I hurt, feel pain

I begin to write as I think … to make it go away

I woke up sad … yes, a tiny bit of anger in my Heart

Not wanting it to build up inside … I opened the dam

Words like water began pouring out

As I sit here … releasing them from my fingertips

Like a river … my words flow until I don’t see them anymore

They’ve gone far and wide

Riding the currents, blowing in the wind

Leaving me feeling calm … whole again

Let the anger go … let bad feelings go away

It’s not the end of the world … today … begins a new day

Author’s Note:

I’m not perfect … I do feel anger, pain when I feel someone has hurt me … whether they do it intentionally or not.

If I don’t feel something is right … I do get upset.  I try not to let anyone know.  I don’t like to hurt others … sometimes, I have … I do.

To express how I feel … I do it in the nicest way possible so, as not to hurt … reality is … it does hurt.  If I don’t do that … I get physically sick inside if I hold ‘bad’ feelings in.

As a younger person I would let people hurt me … never letting them know.  Then … one, two … three … the third time I am going to say something.  The sad thing is when someone never likes you again … the sad thing is when that happens … you know they never liked you to begin with.

All I can say is … life can be like that.  It isn’t all smiles, happiness.  I’m not perfect … I get mad, too.  Just because I try so hard to be good … doesn’t mean I don’t become upset sometimes.  Doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad when I do … because that’s exactly what happens … I feel bad when I do.

Photo, poem owned … written by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

Sometimes … We Don’t Need to Know Everything


 

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

 

 

Email:  gloriapaintsat@yahoo.com

Facebook.com/grannygee

 

 

We’ve been keeping up with the news about the little 13 year old girl who met an older guy online.  We don’t know all the circumstances yet … but, he and another girl who was close to his age … murdered this young girl.

 

 

They stabbed her to death.  Why?  They haven’t told us ‘why?’, yet.  Two people who are around the ages of 19-21 years old … stabbed, killed a 13 year old girl?  What’s wrong with that picture?

 

 

A little, innocent girl … who met the boy online … she climbs up on a piece of furniture in her bedroom, slips out the window to go … meet Death unknowingly.

 

 

We wonder if the couple raped, tortured her.  We wondered if they cursed her, scared her … tortured her physically … tortured her mentally, verbally before she died.  We worried that they did, said unspeakable things to her before she died … how long did she … have to know … she was going to die?  If it was quick … or took a long time?

 

 

These things are in our minds … and I wonder what her last thoughts were … was she in shock from the realization of the mistake she’d made as a child … a mistake she’d have no chance of … ever not making again.  Knowing … she should have listened to the warnings to not talk to strangers online … not to go meet them.

 

 

I know as a child growing up … when I knew I was learning a lesson in life … I remember thinking ‘oh my God! if I can just make it through this … I’ll never do it again!’  This little girl never got that chance to ‘never do it again’ … she learned a lesson … but, it was too late to know that she did.  I worried for her thoughts before … darkness came … permanent darkness.

 

 

I think of such things … I think of details … I worry for what people go through … I care.  I wish I could make time go back … the little girl live to never repeat her mistake again.  If this … if that … I go back to worrying what were her last thoughts … I know her parents do … and it torments them.

 

 

I’ve lost my only child … I worry for what were his last thoughts … things like that.  Sometimes … we don’t need to know everything.

 

 

I always think to the last moments when I hear someone has died, been murdered, killed. I grieve for what they must have gone through. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

 

Note by this Author:

 

 

It is my nature to think about everything … living or dying.  My mind looks for even the tiniest details … it wants to know everything.  Maybe I should have been a detective in my life.  I would have been thorough … go the extra mile in determining the cause of this … of that.

 

 

I look closely at the photo put up on the news broadcast … 13 years old.  I still ‘see’ her baby face … she hadn’t even begun to mature like a lot of young girls do … getting a older face as a teenager.  She hadn’t even got to the point of using make-up to be … beautiful … she didn’t get the chance to do anything … to be a teenager.

 

 

Two people … I think the girl was 19 … and maybe the boy was 21 … not too much older than her … killed her.  Why did the bastards do that?  They didn’t know that little girl.  I wonder if they terrorized her … prolonged torturing her before they killed her.

 

 

I truly wish each person who murdered someone … would have the same thing done to them … if there’s no doubt.  Or … taken to the point of being murdered … left to be made to live so, they can feel, see how it felt.  Do I sound cruel?  I promise you I’m not.  I have the biggest Heart in the world.

 

 

Photo/story owned, written by me … Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

 

 

When … ‘It’ … Happens


 

 

Email: gloriapaintsat@yahoo.com
Facebook.com/grannygee

 

 

When … ‘It’ … Happens
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

 

 

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Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

 

We drove to BoJangle’s to get a large 99 cent unsweet tea. I make good tea at home … but, getting a big cup of their tea is a treat. So, from time to time I’ll get one of theirs.
Skip says it’s too strong for him … so, I get his big cup of tea to put in the refrigerator. I drink it throughout the day.

 
We had a small amount of money on us. We are experiencing ‘hard times’ and have to be on a very tight budget. We don’t eat out like we used to … we put food in our freezer, take it out … cook it at home. We weren’t going to buy a sandwich … to be careful with the money we had on us.

 
Well … a young woman was in front of us … she had ordered a dinner for her husband who had called her to stop by BoJangle’s to pick it up for him. She’d been working, gotten off early to go home.

 
When the cashier rung her purchase up … it was almost 9 dollars! She stood there in shock … I watched her … I knew inside that she was in disbelief it was going to cost that much. Why did I know? Because through time I’ve been in the same situation.
I saw her look down at her money … I saw her trying to decide to not get it, or if she didn’t … would her husband be mad. She questioned the cashier to make sure the amount owed … was correct. It was.

 
I can’t tell you how my Heart felt as I pretended not to see, to notice. That was all the money that young woman had … she must have hoped to have a few dollars left … instead, there was going to be 1 dollar, and little change.

 
Rather than to let others around me know I didn’t have any money, I’d go ahead to pay … leave very upset … no one would know the difference.

 
I knew this young woman was doing the same thing … pride kept her from asking the cashier to void the order. She took her last money out to pay for her husband’s chicken dinner. I watched her face, eyes. So, did Skip. We pretended not to.
I whispered to Skip when the young woman walked away … I knew he had some one dollar bills in his billfold … I asked him if I could get some one dollar bills … he was feeling like I did … he gave them to me.

 
We are going through the most unexpected, worst time of our life. Until we can find a way to get on even keel … life is going to be ‘hard’. It doesn’t stop us from caring about others. We would have given her our last dollar … Skip still had several left after taking the one dollar bills out.

 
The good thing is … we are keeping a positive attitude in a ‘desperate’ situation. Somehow … everything will get all right. I keep telling myself that nothing is worst than losing my only child … everything did get all right … it took all this time … but, it did get all right.
I believe … ‘now’ … that if all got all right after that … it can, will … now. I truly believe that. You won’t see me walking with my head down … feeling sorry for myself. In fact, you won’t see anything other than ‘me’ at all times.

 
I don’t ask for pity, and I don’t ask you, or anyone … for anything. I can’t … I don’t know how. So, when you see me … you never have to worry that I’ve turned into a … beggar.
We can laugh … talk … just like always. I’ll go my way, you’ll go yours … and I haven’t asked you for anything to make you dread seeing me. That’s a good thing. When you see me again … you won’t want to run away. :) That’s why I won’t ever visit you … no one can ever say ‘Gloria has worn out the welcome mat’. Your welcome mat will stay new when … it comes to me.

 
Not long ago, I was devastated by someone I considered a ‘close’ friend. She knew our situation … and knowing I would never ask anyone for anything … at this one time … she began to poor-mouth everytime when she asked how we were … and if we needed her to let her know.

 
I began to become aware of that … wondering ‘why would she do that everytime I told her how Skip was, that he couldn’t work anymore’, that life was forever different for us now.
She was one of the few … less than the 5 fingers on my hand … I even talked to about anything to do with my private life.

 
It hit me … she was letting me know in advance that if I needed money … not to ask her … she didn’t have it, she was ‘broke’. I can’t tell you the pain it created in my Heart.

 
She … out of everyone knew I had never asked her for anything through-out the years … why did she think I would do it ‘now’? I know she doesn’t have to struggle in life … I still wouldn’t ask her for anything. She always knew that … except this time.

 
I almost ‘let go’ of her in my life. Instead, I told her nicely … what I thought, felt and I didn’t hold anything back. I believe in being straight-forward … I was. If you love a friend … and I do … you can’t hide feelings of being upset with them.

 
I didn’t … and I was prepared to have minus one ‘real’ friend. I can’t have ‘fake’ friends … I don’t play that game. These people who pretend to be friends … they fool themselves when they think … I don’t ‘see’. I do … and I play the game … fool them into thinking … I don’t.

 
Why cause a scene when it can be avoided … what good does it do to say ‘I know you are a big-ass fake’? Why make a ‘hidden’ enemy into a ‘visible’ one … when power is on your side just pretending you don’t know. Knowledge is power.

 
Life is full of games … we play them to keep from hurting others … or causing unnecessary grief when it can be avoided. I ‘play the games of life’ … good. I’m a good human … I make others know I’m not going to impose on their lives by asking anything of them … trying to get into their lives … I stay to myself … I’m a private being. You don’t have to worry about me … bothering you. I won’t bother you and if someone bothers me … I don’t let them.

 
The realization dawned on me that my ‘friend’ was worried I would ask her for money or help … when she knew I wasn’t like that all these years (she knew I’d go without before asking anyone for anything) … for some reason … this one time … she felt she needed to ‘nip it in the bud’ from the beginning ‘in case I would even ask her’.

 
I can’t tell you the emotion it made inside my Heart. I became angry that she’d even think such a thing … I’ve never asked her for anything … I can hold my ground even being without, not having anything. People through time have thought I was ‘well off’ … when I never had anything. They never recognized the times when I was a young woman … I was experiencing ‘hard times’. PRIDE … too much PRIDE.

 
I have pride … I grew up in family that did everything in the world … I’ve always tried to be different … to the point I would suffer greatly … whereas everyone else seemed to get everything they wanted.

I never wanted to fool men to get material things, I never wanted to lie, cheat to get what I wanted in life. Oh my … the times I could have … through time … so, so, so many times I could have … I never did … even at times I had nothing, and needed. Why? I can’t live with doing wrong to others.

 
Not only that … beautiful women can do dishonest things to men … it’s too easy to do … something in me could never do it when … they gave me permission. Oh why wasn’t I a greedy woman in my life!? I’ll tell you why … I was good even when I was making my mistakes in my life.

 
The women in my family … and ‘friends’ … didn’t mind asking … taking from others. I would feel ashamed, embarrassed … keep kicking myself if I ever asked, took from someone … especially a man. It never felt good to me … as a young woman … the few times I did … I felt cheapened, just plain-ass awful.

 
I was respected for that … but, no one knew I ‘went without’ … because I was really being a true, good person … honest person. I was never ‘beholden’ to a man … because I didn’t take from them … for some reason, that meant something to me. In my mind … I didn’t owe a man a … damn … thing. It has to be from growing up with the things I saw … as a child … I shouldn’t have seen, heard.

 
Maybe as a young mother … some of you ‘who do things’ … can keep in mind that children see, hear … even when you are thinking they don’t. Those things they see, hear … can stick with a child through their life. They affect the child’s decision-making processes as they grow older … maybe not always in the best way.

 
I’m a ‘older’ woman now … I still remember … though, of course … it doesn’t affect my life now. It just gives me things to write about now. :)

 
So, the older I got … I learned not to ask … to not let others see I ‘needed’.
If things came to me in the way I have done things through-out time … in a way such as when I saw someone needed help … I never asked or said “if you need anything … let me know.”

 
Instead … I gave without asking … I gave in a way to not hurt pride … I gave to anyone I sensed needed something. I did this when I had a lot through time. I can say ‘there was a time I had everything’ … and I can say ‘I gave a lot’.

 
I still give ‘now’ … even if it’s not ‘big’ anymore. Why? Because even the smallest things mean a lot … and are ‘big’ to others at the time they needed it. How do I know? I’ve been there, done that. I’ve needed the smallest thing and it meant the world when I got it. I’ve needed the biggest thing … when it came to me … it meant the world.

 
Either way when you need something … no matter how big, or small … it means the whole world.

 
I know you know … not everyone is rich. I know some of you struggle through life like we are doing. It’s no fun to talk about it. I do … to talk to you. I do to let you know that I’m no more than anyone else … I don’t pretend to be something I’m not.

 
I’m damn-sure not perfect … but, I can say this for ‘damn-sure’ … I am a good person. I can sleep at night knowing I’m not hurting anyone, I’ve not done anything to take from them, I’ve not said anything bad about them’ … I’m not lying, cheating, being dishonest.
If I have the power … I do try to do good things. I don’t ask ‘if you need something, just let me know’ … I just ‘do’ … not ask. That’s sincere … that’s the way to be.

 
How many people do you know are going to come to you and say, “I need help … you told me to ask you if I needed it?” What will happen is that you’ll hate them ‘for having the nerve’ to come to you. You’ll never like them again for asking for help … all because you told them to.

 
Don’t say things you can’t back up … you deserve everything you get when you do that. You are the one who looks bad … then. If I don’t have the means to help someone … I tell them I care with my Heart, I’m ‘there’ if they need to talk … they aren’t alone. I let them know I can be ‘there’, though I can’t help them in other ways.

 
When I don’t sleep at nights … it’s worrying about my whole world … Skip and our 2 Pups. Or worrying about someone we love, care about when I know they have problems. If I could, I would take all their worries away.

 
Getting back to the young woman. I was wondering if her husband was one of these guys that laid around at home on their ass while the wife worked. Or … was he very sick while she worked? I told myself it didn’t matter … but, it’s normal for one’s mind to try to create stories from things they see … when out and about.

 
We got our two large cups of tea … I saw the young woman pick up her BoJangle’s bag from the stainless steel countertop. I took a few steps toward her, smiled. I told her that was a steep price to pay for a lunch … and behind me, Skip told her he couldn’t believe it.
We wanted her to know we cared. I put my hand out with the money folded … put it in her hand. I told her that we wanted to treat her with that lunch today. I saw it in her eyes … ‘it’ in her eyes … the being so appreciative, thankful, grateful. How did I recognize ‘it’ … because I’ve felt ‘it’ so many times in my life.

 

 

 

Note by this Author:

 
Yes, I’ve known ‘it’ many times in my life. I’ve felt ‘it’ deep inside my Heart, my Soul. ‘It’ … is the most gratefulness, thankfulness, appreciation when out of nowhere … help comes to meet one’s need for something.

 
‘It’ happens … when your soul, heart cries out inside, ‘I’m so grateful, I’m so thankful’! You thank God, thank the person who cared for you …

 
‘It’ is when you feel more than you can say … ‘It’ is when ‘Thank-you’ … is more than the words you can possibly ever be able to say.

 
When you don’t know how to ask for it … when you are going without so, others won’t know and not feel ‘they have to help’ you. When you don’t want others to ‘look down’ on you. Then … unexpectedly … someone does something for you on their own … never asking … caring when you never knew … that’s when ‘It’ happens. I know … I truly know … and when I feel ‘It’ … I feel more than what my words can possible say.

 
Photo, true story are owned, written by me … Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.