Souls in Agony …
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/aka @GeeGranny on Twitter
Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Last moments of a child’s life … becomes important to a … grieving mother.
Sh-hhhhhh … don’t say a word, everything is okay … I’m just sharing something I personally know … personally experienced.
You may never have thought of such. Why? Because you have never lost a child. It’s like drawing a picture … you see the whole picture without seeing the details.
When I’m drawing, living it … feeling it … as I draw … I experience … details become important.
When it comes to being … this grieving mother … during the worst of my grieving process when my son died … thoughts of my child’s last moments stayed on my mind.
Those last moments of his life became most important to me … this grieving mother.
I had to find some kind of comfort wherever possible … just to help me … go on. Just to go on at that time … to exist. Just to have some kind of comfort to hug to my Heart.
I had to have … life-lines to reach out … grasp … to hold on to for … dear life. I was drowning in my own pain … pure, raw grief unlike anything I’d ever experienced in life.
I’d never had education on how to grieve, what to expect. I never read a book on grief, grieving mothers. Hellfire, I never-ever … thought my own child would die.
I never thought my child wouldn’t … outlive me. I know you as a mother with living children are … as innocent as I was. If your child died today … you know you wouldn’t be any more prepared than I was. Think about it.
It’s strange … we have sex education, parenting classes, birthing classes … all kinds of education on … important things in life. What about … classes when death strikes? What about death education?
What about being taught how to handle grief … what to expect? When death strikes … we are left floundering like a poor fish that’s been jerked out of water.
We spin around in our grief … no one can stop us. They can’t reach us … we are looking inward … there’s no way as a grieving mother we can … focus on you … on anyone.
Our child just died … we can only hear the screams in our minds … we don’t know if anyone else does, we don’t even have the sense enough to know, think about anything. Our child just died! We are not even aware of … ourselves. We are souls … in agony.
Twisting, writhing in pure grief. Doesn’t it sound ugly? Doesn’t it sound horrible? Don’t you cringe reading this? You just can’t think about it. Why? Why? Why?
Because … you are afraid if you do … ‘it could happen to you’. I remember being like that. I didn’t in any way … want to jinx my special world being a mother.
My child was very important in my life. We were close … I knew he’d always be there for me … no matter what. Not only that … he knew his Mama would always be there … no matter what.
No one can understand this … unless you are a … mother. Our children … are our life. They are actually … our flesh, blood … a most … real … part of us. We put our hopes, dreams in them.
We are proud of them … look at my child! Isn’t my child special! That’s my baby! I was more than proud of my son. I loved my son with my Heart.
I knew he’d always be there as I got older. As a mother … we know our sons will look after us, protect us in our older life. We know … our children aren’t supposed to die before us.
When my child died … I will go to speaking for myself as I know what I experience … experienced … it almost caused me to … let go of my own life. Why?
I wasn’t aware of it … see, if you can’t get into the mind of a woman who has just learned her child is dead … you can’t understand what I’m saying. I can only … try to describe, put into words something that is pure felt on the inside … feelings.
Only the person who feels, hears … yes, hears these feelings on the inside … another person is never aware of them. They can’t get on the inside to see, understand.
I can try to put into words this grieving mother felt inside … I will fail miserably because … feeling such grief … is so much more than words.
How can I describe to you the screaming thoughts of I can’t bear this … I can’t bear this knowledge! I can’t take it, no! Oh no! This is the phone call I always heard about … no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No!!!!!!!!!!! Please help me, I’m dying! Oh my God, oh my God! Help me! Help me! Tommy! Help me! No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please, please, please! Drug me … I can’t live with this knowledge … it’s too much to bear! Help me, help me! Oh my God! Tommy!
I have to stop now. I just went back to a place I haven’t visited since the very moment I learned my only child died. I am weeping at this moment … to tell you just a moment of ‘what it feels like’ I … ‘had to go back’ in time … to that time.
This is only … a moment … when I first learned. I … am … only … trying to describe in words … one moment when I first found out that Tommy had died.
Can you imagine what it’s been like since May 29, 2015? Can you imagine the grief … in words, feelings … if you … could hear, feel … inside the mind … of this grieving mother? Other grieving mothers?
It would scare you to death … if you have children. That’s why no one wants to spend time with a grieving mother. They can’t bear it … it might happen to them.
They can’t bear to see, hear … listen to the worst pain in the world … a mother learning her child has died … the screaming pain on the inside of her.
If you can’t bear it … how do you think a … mother can bear it? I beared my suffering, grieving all on my own. I didn’t bother anyone with it … I never-ever talked in words my grief.
Thank-God, I’ve been able to … write … in words my grief. Writing in words … letting the pain flow through my fingertips like a river winding toward the ocean … has been my life-saver.
You have to have an outlet for such raw, intense, screaming pain inside one’s mind … body. Strange … no one can see, hear this kind of pain … it’s so quiet … but, so damn loud in a grieving mother’s mind, body.
It’s all she can see, hear, feel. Sometimes, awareness sets in but, quickly forgotten in the waves of grief.
Waves of grief wearing away the sand a grieving mother stands on … until she is swept away in the Ocean of Grief.
I try not to make Skip worry anymore than he has to. I learned when fighting for my life (cancer … congestive heart failure) … it was important for me to be strong for … both of us. We are very close … we get very afraid if one of us ever gets sick … or more than sick. It’s too close … to home when something happens to one of us.
Grieving mothers … I haven’t talked to one personally. Surely they understand what I’m writing here. I know deep inside they have experienced what I’ve been through … still go through.
They may use different words in describing their grief than I do. I only used these words because they are all I have to use … it’s like painting a picture with three paints of blue, green, yellow … how can I paint the other things in a different color … if I don’t have those paints?
I can’t … I can try by mixing … but, it doesn’t work always. I can only use the paints I have. Grief isn’t an emotion one can paint in … three colors. It isn’t an emotion one can use only a few words to describe. No same words … can describe grief each time it’s spoken about. You can only paint it in different colors each time … grief constantly changes … today I am one way … tomorrow, a different way.
So, if anyone asks you about grieving mothers … I can only say this, and it always describes accurately what a grieving mother is …
Grieving mothers are … souls in agony.
This is written, owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee. Photos/Artwork owned by me, also.
These are my own feelings, thoughts, opinions … I am not an expert to come to … concerning grief. I can only tell you what … this … grieving mother knows from … experiencing grief.
So … in the past five years … I finally thought of words … I can use to describe grieving mothers … in 3 words. Souls in Agony.