To Lay In Darkness… Dying


To Lay In DarknessDying

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

The darkness… the thoughts… hearing one’s self cough

So cold… I can’t see; I seem to have my eyes closed all the time

My skin itches… I try to scratch it gently… I don’t know if I do

 

So cold… can’t seem to get warm… tons of blankets lay over me

100 degree weather… I am so… cold as I lay in darkness

Coughing, whispering… I’m not sure I’m talking… who cares

 

Have you eaten today… yes, I have.. I answer each time

How do I know… I can’t even think… I answer ‘yes’

I don’t want to cause worry… I’m not suffering, I’m alright

 

Dying… I’m not aware that I lay dying, I don’t remember

Why I lay here in darkness, my body cold, itching

I think I scratch my skin… I’m not sure

 

I don’t feel any pain, hunger… I don’t feel anything

All I have left is… my hearing

Even my thoughts aren’t thoughts anymore; they just … are

 

My mama comes to tuck me in… just as she did when I was a child

Pulled the blankets up around my ears to keep them warm

I close my eyes, I think they’re already closed… feel her love

 

Mama, don’t leave me here alone in the darkness

No, I am not afraid now, to die… you bring me comfort

Just as you did when I was a child… when you tucked me in

 

I can only hear… I’m not aware that it’s called ‘hearing’, now

I’m not aware of anything… but, I hear

I know it’s Skip’s voice asking me if I ate while he was at work

 

I automatically answer ‘yes’… I hear… relief in his voice

I can’t see his face, but… I know… he is standing close by

I hear his footsteps walk away

 

For a brief moment… or is it more than a moment… I don’t know

I am aware of being on my feet… I am walking while holding

Onto things while I go my way

 

I found out months later that I did a lot of things while in

The darkness… though I couldn’t see … didn’t remember

Did that come from living with a blind man as a tiny child

 

Was I blind… I may as well have been… all I saw was… darkness

God, how cold it is when in the darkness… I couldn’t get warm

Doctors… riding… Skip holding me so, I could walk… darkness

 

I couldn’t see the colors of my world… I forgot they were there

Darkness hid them… the only color I could see… was black

I don’t remember looking for my colors… I didn’t look for anything

 

Dying… I was always afraid to die… somehow, Death came for me

I didn’t recognize it… so, I didn’t know to be afraid

Maybe… because I didn’t feel pain… I didn’t know to be afraid

 

Awareness for a moment… I was holding the phone, I tried to talk

I was very weak… floating in my dark, dark world

I couldn’t speak above a whisper… the voice on the phone was concerned

 

I was asleep in darkness… when I woke, I was in darkness

I still held the phone… I whispered, heard a voice

Darkness took me again… I don’t know what happened to the phone

 

Sitting in a wheelchair… I became aware it was time for surgery

I looked up at Skip… I could see his face… his beautiful face

I’m so glad to be here… I can’t make it another day

 

_____________________________________________

 

Note by this Author:

 

 

I lay dying… all I knew was darkness… briefly becoming aware of all around me… then, darkness.  I would imagine my mother being there to comfort me by tucking the blankets around my ears to keep them warm.

 

From the month of May to July… each day I became very ill until I almost died.  Skip worked in management at a company in Raleigh, every day… and would take off to take me to specialists to find out what was wrong with me.

 

I was diagnosed finally with non-Hodgkins lymphoma.  A large mass (cancerous cells) was on my right lung, resting against my heart.  It also, was cutting off my air… until when I tried to blow in the device to measure breathing… I barely lifted the little ball up with my breath.

 

I remember only once being afraid to die during this time.  The rest of the time, as afraid of dying as I was… I wouldn’t have known to be afraid of … death.

I was in the shower… the steam began smothering me.  I was too weak to get out of the shower by myself.  I began crying out to Skip to help me… I couldn’t breathe.

 

When I laid in darkness, I must have only needed a little breath to keep me alive… I don’t remember not being able to breathe.

 

I have sat here thinking of how to describe how it feels to lay dying.  I’m not sad, depressed… dying is a fact of life… we all are going to do it someday.  Truthfully, I don’t want to… I’m afraid to die… unless like what I described above… I wasn’t aware I was… dying.

 

I tried to describe fleeting moments of thought, awareness. Have you ever wondered about dying?   This is only a small description of knowing how it is to lay … dying.

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5 thoughts on “To Lay In Darkness… Dying

  1. When I attempted suicide it was with the determination that I was going to end a life of suffering once and for all.

    I took the pills and lay down to sleep, but woke after six hours in complete agony, my whole body afire with pain.

    Joe found me and got Lillian and Margaret who looked after me until the Ambulance came, my tormentor turning up in the Ambulance between ICU and the psychiatric unit to apologise to me in the worst way possible, but I was paralysed and couldn’t spit in his eye.

    Today I am stronger, but my life was violated in the worst way possible by so-called friends and family who were looking for a quick pay-out and the persecution went on for a further 20 years.

    It supposedly ended last July, according to Darren who boasted of being made a gangster by his new friends and passed on the message that we were now quits.

    Even so the persecution has continued, using so-called friends who will do anything for money.

    Doug is back to trying to exploit me at every opportunity so I guess it’s over for now, but Mark was still playing games, so I guess if I give them an opening they’ll be back.

    Why?

    Because I wouldn’t sell my story of childhood rape and abuse to the people who destroyed me.

    The Police and so-called investigative journalists.

    Today I am CRB checked and have proof of a pristine criminal record, so instead of trying to find a crime I have committed (without success I am happy to report!) they have been trying to get me to commit an offence.

    Needless to say they have been wasting their time!

    Now I have no family to trust and my only friends are on the web, the rest having been bought.

    No wonder I feel so low that I wonder if it’s worth going on… 😦

    Now the government is messing with my benefits and trying to save money by driving people to suicide.

    Hundreds have died so far, but you never see it in the news, only the reports that Atos, the company doing the evaluations, have received hundreds of death threats so are trying to get out of their contract with the government.

    All to save money by labelling the sick as malingerers… 😦

    Love and weary hugs.

    Prenin.

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