Pure Grief Is Pure Love … Pure Pain

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/GeeGranny on Twitter

My son, Tommy … holding his only son

It’s hard to describe grief … imagine being trapped inside yourself with such pain … you can’t get away, can’t breathe. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I have always promised my readers/followers that I would let them know when I went through a bout of grief. I will always keep that promise. That’s why I began writing … it’s what I know best … grief, pain. I’ve made myself go through all in a ‘good’ way … I chose to do that. At first I couldn’t … I couldn’t think enough to do that. I was shrouded in pure darkness.

It’s been 6 years now … somehow I keep my grief hidden beneath the surface but … at times, even I can’t keep it suppressed.

Imagine looking out over a beautiful body of water … ever so often you see disturbance in the water. You see fish jump out or surface the water.

My grief is like that … it’s like fish ‘just beneath the surface’ of the water. Sometimes … like a fish … it unexpectedly jumps out.

That’s when the panic attacks happen. Like two days ago I began to feel panicky … and when I thought about why I felt that way … my thoughts turned quickly to the loss of my son and only child.

I felt as if I wanted to just cry my Heart out. I couldn’t cry but tears rolled from my eyes … and the pain in my Heart was deep all the way to my very soul.

It’s a strange way to feel … it’s an awful way to feel … it means someone loved with one’s very Heart is gone … forever. This is pure grief. Pure grief is pure love … pure pain.

When it’s your child, only one at that … you have no one to look forward to in life … no one to watch grow older so you can tease them playfully. No parent should outlive their children … it’s very sad. Very sad when that child is the only one … there aren’t any children left.

All parents would like their children to always be there … especially as they begin to age. Their children’s love means the very world to them. An older person is never alone when that child is close to them.

When I experienced grief this time … that day I saw a man in his 40’s who looked just like Tommy … from the back. I kept turning my head to ‘see Tommy’. When the man moved I could ‘see Tommy’ move for a few minutes. That’s a game grieving mothers play … just to see their child alive for a few minutes. At least this grieving mother does that.

Of course, I realize that Tommy’s gone forever and I only play the game just for a few minutes … let go, be realistic. Tommy’s gone … he can’t come back. He can’t move … he can’t speak, laugh … he can’t say ‘I love you, Mama’ … ever again. I know that. My son is gone and I have no choice but to accept it.

I’ve coped with my grief in a positive way. I still feel the pain deeply, I always will. I can be alright as I live the rest of my life. I really had so far to come on this Grieving Mother Journey. Do you know … I never knew I could?

Losing a child is the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I’ve battled cancer (Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma) … I’ve lost everything in a house-fire, I’ve lost all my family … the very people I loved with my Heart until I have no one but, Skip and our two Pups. Many ‘bad’ things have happened in my life … losing Tommy over-shadowed any of them.

Losing my child hurt worse than any of all the bad things that have happened in my life. In fact now … I don’t think of the other ‘bad’ things … when Tommy died … it became all the pain mixed with my grief for my son.

All the pain I live with inside … makes me stronger for it. I have to be for me to live with such knowledge … knowledge that my child is gone, my child is dead … he isn’t coming back. The knowledge was bigger than I … there was a time I couldn’t hold it all … I almost died from it … I couldn’t get away from … myself.

I was trapped with my own grief inside me … for over 3 years that’s all I lived, breathed … pure grief. I couldn’t see for the darkness that surrounded my mind … I couldn’t see outside me for looking in.

I am so grateful to begin seeing little patches of light … I kept fighting to come back. It took so long … I wrote and wrote all my grief, pain … many of you have read it for almost 6 years now.

Many of you let me know you were ‘there’. It meant the world to me. Writing … saved me, gave me an outlet for my pain. I know I couldn’t have lived if I didn’t let it out of me … I was like a roaring river … damned up. Thankfully … writing was like removing the dam … so, my words could flow. As my words flowed … the pain began little by little … flowing out until I can live with what’s left inside me.

May 29th makes 6 years Tommy has been gone. I am so glad to be able to think of him without going into darkness to protect my sanity.

I’m so glad I can think of him, hear his voice, laugh in my mind. I’m so glad I can see his sunshine smile, twinkling eyes in my mind. I can do it now … though tears may come … I know … everything is going to be alright. I imagine it raining and seeing the sun shine through the raindrops as they fall.

Note by this Author:

I made a promise to always write about grief to let my readers/followers know how it feels. I never sugar-coat it, I write it just as it really is. This way you can know how it feels and I pray you never get to know it.

You can hopefully understand a little more when you see a grieving mother. The pain is greater than the mother … the mother is trapped inside herself with such knowledge she can’t get away from. Imagine being trapped in a room with no air … the panic … oh my, the panic. Grief is worse than that.