I Wonder If Chest Pain Could Be Grief?

I Wonder If Chest Pain Could Be Grief?…


By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee



I’m feeling much better this morning.  I hope that pain doesn’t come back.  I keep feeling sort of anxious… like ‘is it going to come back?’


I appreciate everyone letting me know they cared.  I had a Lexiscan Nuclear Stress test several days ago.  I thought maybe the pain in my chest could have been something that commonly happened after the test.


I called my cardiologist, and found out that it isn’t something that happens after the test.  So, I’m not sure if stress, or what… caused that pain.


One never knows ‘if it’s the real thing’… so, I monitored myself constantly.  I know that I couldn’t sit still long enough at my computer to write.  Finally, I laid down… and slept many hours… I feel better this morning.


Maybe, I was worrying much more than I realized … about the results from that test.  My son, Tommy, died with two heart blockages… he never had opportunity to get that test.  I was afraid I was going to have blockages, since I was older.  Tommy was only 40 years old.


I wonder if all of this had something to do with my chest pain?  I may have not realized it.  Tommy is always in the back of my mind, so… it’s very possible.


I have written my book about grieving for Tommy.  I think I may have thought that ‘magically’… I wouldn’t cry again, or feel sad again… ‘because it’s all in my book’.  Not true.


I’m finding that out.  I still feel that pain, I still want to cry.  My chest pain may stem from this.  I told Skip that I’m older… and my test showed that I don’t have a blockage…. yet, Tommy was only 40 years old… he died with two blockages.  I just don’t understand… it does make me cry.


The normal percentage was 50%-70% from the test…. mine was 58% heart function.  This is supposed to be good, I’m so glad.  I’ll take all I can get.  :)))  I’m so … thankful.  I could have ‘not’ been here to ‘have this’… so, you won’t hear me complain.


It’s my trade-off to live… one of the drugs in my chemotherapy treatments, damaged my heart.  Adriamycin… but, that’s okay with me… I’m here, I’m grateful.  One never understands any of this… unless you’ve been through similar.


Thank all you for your comments, caring.  It means the world to me.  So far… this morning, this moment… my chest doesn’t hurt.  I look forward to writing again… I can concentrate like this.  :)))  Love, Granny Gee/Gloria :)))  I wonder if my chest pain could be just pure grief?





Can I Open The Curtain Of Air To Peep Into Heaven?

The day the Dragonfly Appeared..Kissy brought it to me 1-04-2013 001

(Something Just Happened As I Was Writing This Poem !!! )


Can I Open The Curtain Of Air To Peep Into Heaven?

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

A little ant scurried along the tiny ant path

Going to only where he knows

Taking a tidbit of food with him as he goes

The red hawk in the distance swoops to the ground

Hoping to catch the little rabbit that hops, runs for its life

The hawk misses, the rabbit is safe for another day

Insects buzz with lazy, happy sounds

The sun shines down, warming the ground

On the surface of the pond, the water breaks

A big fish pulls back the curtain of water

Is that how Tommy left one day in late May?

Did he reach out to open the curtain of air?

The curtain of water that separates pond from air opens

The fish appears for a moment on this side

Open the air … is it possible to ‘open the air’ to Heaven?

Open the curtain of air, peep in to see our loved ones

To see where they could have gone?

I’m always feeling the air with my hands, looking for that opening

I know that I couldn’t stay just as the fish can’t stay

On this side of the water… unless it died … I died

The fish only wants food, I only want to peep in at my son

I just want to see his smiling face for a few moments

You know… see his eyes that I know so well

I really miss him so much … I want to just peep for a moment

Not stay long, you know

Just a moment, just a couple of moments

One more moment, please?

I stand on the grassy knoll in my mind

Seeing a dragonfly land on a little yellow flower

I wonder as I look … could that dragonfly be Tommy?

Did it appear for me, to let me know he knows I’m here?

Tommy, my mind cries out, I miss you, my son!

Please don’t leave, stay for a moment

You don’t have to stay long

Light on my hand, just for a couple………… Oh My God!

At this very moment I wrote that!

Kissy came to me, I bent down to pet him

Heard something fall to the floor

It was a ‘dragonfly!’, a root shaped like a dragonfly!

This just really happened several moments ago!

I took time to get photos of it to put here

I just wrote about a dragonfly up above!

I am feeling strange now, you see

I think Tommy just ‘sent a dragonfly to me!’

He sent it by Kissy, who brought it to me

I don’t know what to think

I have this ‘dragonfly’ sitting in my art room

To always stay now… it just appeared… today!!!



January 04, 2013… This just really happened! Just as I typed the words ‘just for a couple’……. I stopped long enough to get photos of the ‘dragonfly’… a root shaped like a dragonfly!

At first, when I heard something fall to the floor, I couldn’t imagine what it was… I had just bent over from my desk chair to pet Kissy (he wanted to Express Himself! To run in a circle as I excitedly tell him ‘Kissy, Express Yourself!’).

As my hand went to pick up what fell, my eyes couldn’t identify what it was.. I drew my hand back quickly. On the dark carpet it looked like … I was afraid it could be a big insect, or something until… I leaned down close enough to investigate!

I couldn’t believe my eyes! You won’t either, when you read what I’ve just wrote… this … really … happened … a ‘few moments ago!’

Granny Gee/Gloria


P.S. Normally, I don’t tell anyone about such things … I keep them to myself. I know strange things can/will happen … and if one doesn’t see it for themselves … they don’t believe it.

This happened just a short time ago… about 9:45 am … January 04, 2013 !!! Friday!







Remember What Granny Gee Says … Candle + Flame = HOPE …How Will They Know? and Was That Anger?

Artwork… Just A Doodle For You… by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/Granny Gee

‘Remember Granny Gee’s Words:  Candle + Flame = HOPE’….



I would like to give credit to one of my special blogger friends, her blog link is: http://thedrsays.org/ .

She left a comment that prompted me to thinking that ‘this is what I want to write about today.’  I hope you will visit her blog, she writes about her illness … her words touch something deep within me… your hearts will be touched, also.

 My Friend’s Words:

 1st comment by her…  in your email you said we had more in common than i knew and after reading

this i am in awe of just how much we have had in common. at the ver least you

have learned how important it is to tell your story so future generations can

know you.

‘How Will They Know’ came to my mind, when I read this…

2nd comment by her…’I wore combat boots and jumped out of planes! we have experienced so much more

than the average person and it has been a blessing upon us. now we may have to

accept there are changes we weren’t expecting. as long as you are alive there is

hope! never stop dreaming or imagining it could happen. who knows what this New

Year brings?’

‘Hope’ … came to my mind, when I read this … I saw the candle in my mind… brightly burning.


Remember What Granny Gee Says… Candle + Flame = HOPE

How Will They Know?  …and Was That Anger?

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee


‘HOPE’……     I read the words above, written by my friend.  The question ‘how will they know’, and the meaning of the word ‘hope’ came to my mind.

‘Hope’… that word has so much meaning to me.  At one time in my life I could have just succumbed to my life-threatening illness… ‘let go’ … I had already given up hope.  I ‘knew’ I was going to die, no ‘if’s and buts’…. it was just … a matter of time.  When?

Remember when I wrote about being diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma?  My words can in no way describe the hell I lived in for 3 years (strange enough …. the number ‘3’ is so, significant in my life).

The horrible, painful tests… the chemotherapy treatments… losing my hair from the effects of the chemo medicines (this happened twice), how sick I was, how when ‘friends, family’ saw me… they turned their backs on me,the needles, the horrible surgeries that left me in pain for the rest of my life, learning to hold things in my hands again, to walk without help… I can go … on and on, I won’t.

You get the ‘picture’…. but, you don’t ‘know’… you just don’t know… unless you’ve walked ‘in my shoes.’  In others’ shoes who have been there…..

Just one ‘little thing’ such as when Skip would take me with him to get me out of the house… to the supermarket.  I would walk so slowly, my body full of pain, drugs… we would see ‘our friends’ see us… turn their backs, walk quickly out of sight to another aisle.   They could always say ‘oh!  I didn’t see you!’

My ‘family, friends’ didn’t want to see me…  I was ‘a goner’, they were afraid of me.  Just think how such affects a very sick person… I cried during those 3 years just as I’ve cried for my son’s death… only it’s worst with my son… I lost my child, my only child.

I don’t know if one can ever truly put 3 years of trying to recover from such an illness … into mere words.  You could never know, see the pain, grief of knowing you were going to die, how many times you cried, mourned ‘your own death.’

Combine all the ‘little things’ I wrote in the above paragraghs … it still doesn’t touch ‘how to describe.’  Skip was the only person, our Pups… who gave me reason to live… and when Tommy found out.  Skip gave me reason to live… when Tommy died… he and our Pups.

Not my ‘family, friends’… they contributed to my loss of hope.  ‘I was already …dead.’  You see … I could still ‘see’ through my drugged, foggy mind, with my eyes.  I could ‘feel’ through my drugged body.  I could ‘hear’ with my ears.

Did I just ‘feel anger?’  I think I did, when I remember my nephew hurting me not long ago.  He became ‘full of himself’, he was just beginning college, was popular because he plays golf well… when I complimented him… he began saying ‘remember when you didn’t come to see us?’, and such things … he’ll never know how wrong he was to do that to me.

I’ve always loved them with my very heart.  Skip was very upset to know he could have acted like this… he expected more from him … we always ‘knew’ he’d be somebody… we never knew …. he’d be somebody to hurt me.  That’s ‘who he is’ now… to me.

He doesn’t know ‘anything’… he was too young.  I still ‘see them riding by merrily, waving.. with smiles on their faces’ as I sat there on the steps… my happy smile to see them since I’d almost died, dissolve into tears, crying.

No one cared…….  why didn’t you come to see me?  I’d just gotten out of the hospital, lucky to be there… I was thinking of you all …. why didn’t you come?  You contributed to my loss of… hope.  Had you ‘let go’ of me in your minds… just happened to see me ‘still there’… pretend nothing was wrong as you went merrily your way?  For one of you to grow up to say ‘do you remember when you didn’t come to see us?’

I have just vented something I didn’t know ‘was there’… I thought ‘those feelings’ were gone, I didn’t care anymore.  You just saw … nothing ever goes completely away … when pain has been inflicted upon us … no matter that we fight to forgive so, we can go on.  We don’t forget….  anyway… my life, my story ‘goes on’………

Then, came the time I accepted dying … I had no hope…. my candle was barely burning … I became calm inside …. I won’t go on.

I laid on my bed with no hope, accepted the worst that could happen … I didn’t fight anymore.  I was like a deflated balloon, I had no more air to fill it out anymore …no more air to gently blow on my candle of … hope.

I worried for Tommy, how it would affect him, if it’d make him begin trying to get back to the USA to me… if he knew.  He was in Germany.

I made Skip promise not to tell him, he didn’t for a time… when he did ….Tommy meant to come home to his mama.  Tommy … did.  ‘Neither hell nor high water kept him back.’  He meant to get home across that ocean……

Hope … look at that word.  We all take it for granted… I don’t, I know better.  Hope … is a word that is most special, it creates miracles… puts light into a dark world… it guides one toward life.

Hope … when you think of hope now… remember something Granny Gee wants you ‘to see’ …. in your mind.  When we ‘see a picture in our minds, we always remember.’

‘See this’……  a candle with a bright, burning flame sitting on the table in front of you.  Look at it, watch it…. do you see how brightly it burns?

Imagine that flame begins to lessen… it could go out without some kind of attention.  This could be due to all kinds of things… example:  like when I gave up hope, ‘knew I was going to die.’

The flame almost burned out… until … life was breathed back into the flame!  Imagine … gently blowing on the flame to make it come alive again… hope begins to shine again…  this is the point miracles can, will happen.  They do happen… they did happen to me.

It takes different things, maybe unexpected ways of making the  flame take on ‘life’ again … to shine ‘hope.’  Sometimes, at the moment it may even take ‘mean things’ to make the light/hope shine again….

Remember, I told you that we need ‘mean people sometimes to do good things in this world?’  :))) I don’t mean Skip is mean … I’m just saying!  :)))

For example:  my ‘candle began to shine again, reflecting hope once more in my dark world from ‘mean words!’  Skip said those words to me, knowing if he could ‘reach my fighting spirit (we all know I have a ‘helluva fighting spirit!)’……. that I’d begin fighting to come back… not die… live!

Reach my fighting spirit, he did!  At that instant when he spoke to it, I ‘knew I wasn’t going anywhere!’  He ‘made that flame burn very bright.’  He touched my emotions with his words, he meant for me not to die… he gave me my Hope again.

I meant to live, I meant to live… live, I did!  I meant it …. I put ‘my foot down, held my ground.’  Like Tommy, neither ‘hell nor high water kept me down.’

So, through time… when my candle seems to burn dimly … I look at it in my mind … I gently begin blowing on it ever so gently, so as … to bring it back alive again.  Miracles, good things begin to happen.

I’m not saying I’m so positive, so cheerful, life is perfect all the time for me…. not!  Remember how I told you that I’m not perfect at all … how I tried once to be … failed miserably?  Well, I’m … still not perfect.

Guess what?  I’m an imperfect Granny Gee/Gloria… so, never think of me as ‘she’s perfect, she has everything, life is just as she wants it, and all that good stuff.’  It’s not true… our life everyday is a struggle just as a lot of other people we know.

But… that’s okay.  I don’t think any of us were meant to be perfect … or how else do we learn to feel emotions that are important … if we didn’t, then… I’m sure everyone would be dead.

Why?  Because… no one would learn from mistakes to know what’s important such as … love, caring, feeling for one another.

I reach the point from time to time since then… I almost give up hope.  Until something Skip says (he knows ‘exactly how to push my buttons’)…. brings my ‘fighting spirit’ back out.  Once that appears … we are going to have a ‘helluva fight!’  I’m going to … win.  :)))

Oh, I just want you to know … I know ‘how to push Skip’s buttons’, too!  :)))  I can’t let you all think that ‘he is the only one!’  :)))  I’ve made him ‘fight, too.’  Skip has almost died several times … I know my words … made a difference, too.

Hope … that one little beautiful word … imagine the flame on a candle … that’s ‘Hope’.  Don’t let it ever go out.  Even if you aren’t perfect, and even give up sometimes like I do (we just aren’t perfect at all!)…… always come back … to the candle in your mind…. what does it do?

It burns with a bright flame … Hope.  If the flame is dim… just breathe on it gently… bring Hope back into your life, your heart.  Sometimes, the simplest things… are … so hard to do.  I know with my imperfect self.

‘HOW WILL THEY KNOW?’  This question came to my mind when I read my friend’s words…  ‘at the ver least you

have learned how important it is to tell your story so future generations can

know you.’

This is how they will know.  They will know through my words, my photos, my ‘pictures I paint with my words’, just as my artwork I paint, draw, create with my ‘Granny Gee/Gloria’ hands.

‘Candle… Flame =  HOPE    

Granny Gee’s instructions for never losing HOPE are:   If the flame appears to lessen, burn dimly in your life … no matter what the circumstances are … begin breathing gently on the flame to make it light up the dark world around you.

If you do that… you will begin to see other candles … your flame, your life will join others in never giving up, to always have HOPE.

Remember Granny Gee’s words if you ever find yourself crying, sad, in whatever circumstances life throws at you.

Remember … HOPE.   Just think of a candle sitting alone on a table… gently blow on it.  Watch in your mind… as your world begins to … brighten.  Look around in that ‘darkness’… see other flames yours will join …. making light/Hope shine for …everyone.

These are my words, my thoughts this morning.  I hope I created ‘artwork’ in your minds with my ‘word painting.’  :)))  I don’t apologize for the little vent of anger in my today’s story … it is real life, it really hurt me.  This is my story, and as that song goes…. ‘I’m sticking to it.’  Real life is like this….

See… I told you that I wasn’t … perfect.  I need to write that 500 times…..

Granny Gee isn’t perfect.

Granny Gee isn’t perfect.

Granny Gee isn’t perfect.

Granny Gee isn’t perfect.

Granny Gee isn’t perfect.

I’m … still … not … perfect.  This doesn’t help at all.  :)))  But, I’m still a ‘good Granny Gee/Gloria.’  I know I’m ‘mean, sometimes.’

Don’t be mean, Granny Gee.

Don’t be mean, Granny Gee.

Don’t be mean, Granny Gee.

Don’t be mean, Granny Gee.

Don’t be mean, Granny Gee.

I’m … still … mean, sometimes.  This doesn’t help at all.  :))) But, I’m still a ‘good Granny Gee/Gloria.’

Remember I told you …. that we need … mean people in the world … sometimes?   I’m just saying…………………….  :)))

It Was A Happy Thanksgiving For Pups, Too!


It Was A Happy Thanksgiving For Pups, Too!


By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee


I mashed the warm sweet potatoes, added real butter to mix both together.  I put a big mound in each of the two plates I was preparing with Thanksgiving foods.


I sliced turkey off the breast of the turkey I had baked to a golden brown color, placed slices on each of the two plates.  I now, had the plates ready to serve to …. two most special Pups, Kissy and Chadwick.


“Happy Thanksgiving, Kissy,” I said, as I placed his Thanksgiving dinner in front of him.  I walked over to put Chadwick’s plate in front of him.  “Happy Thanksgiving, Chadwick.”


I stood beside Skip watching them eat…  I felt so thankful to have them.  They mean everything to Skip and I.  They are all we have, Tommy is gone.


We don’t see his two children, we don’t hear anything from anyone to let us know how they are.  Nor, do we know where our grandson is at.  They’ve moved, never told us… we told his mother when we moved, our new address, phone number.   We cared.  Happy Thanksgiving, Taban and McKenzie.


Skip and I made plates for our friends, our neighbors… and guess what?  One of our friends had made plates for us, too!  Not only that… she made us a Hawaiian pie which was wonderful.  I wonder if I have the nerve to say what happened to that good pie?!!!  By the end of this story… we’ll see. :)))


Throughout the day Skip and I ate the different Thanksgiving foods I’d prepared, including the foods he came back with when taking our plates to our friends.


Later in the evening Skip said, “I couldn’t have had a better Thanksgiving”.  I felt happy inside… I wanted it to be so nice for him, the Pups.  He’s been through so much for the past months… no one would believe.  Also, he’s been deathly ill… I’m so thankful Skip is here… he almost wasn’t.


Hawaiian pie… what a wonderful pie!  It’s sort of like whipped cream… only the texture is different… has bits of pineapple, I think coconut in it.  I have to say that pie disappeared over a short time!  That was too good… Skip and I enjoyed it so much.  :)))  I’m glad it wasn’t a giant pie!


Our Pups enjoyed their foods all through the day.  It was a happy Thanksgiving for Pups, too!


The Tea Is Only Two Days Old…


The Tea Is Only Two Days Old…


By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee


I don’t believe it… I shake my head and look at Skip.  There’s something not right… this is a Chinese restaurant.  This is the first time I’ve eaten at a Chinese restaurant that did this!  We have eaten in many, many of them all over the United States.


The waiter brought our bowls of wonton soup in pretty spring-green bowls sitting on spring-green saucers.  It was so hot… I love hot food.  We knew we were going to enjoy it…..


What the heck…. something’s not right about those wontons!  I begin to cut them apart to see what was different.  Do you know what?  The wontons didn’t have any meat filling in them!  The soup didn’t have any scallions… also, I suspected they used broth to make the soup.


Skip and I began drinking from the glasses of tea the waiter brought… oh my God.  The tea was ‘spoiled’, it tasted awful.  We got the attention of the girl waiting tables, asked her to bring us a drink instead, we couldn’t drink the tea.


The girl smelled the tea, she said it smelled awful.  She told another waitress.  She came to the table to tell us that the tea wasn’t good, she brought drinks to us.


She also, talked to us.  She said the tea was ‘just made on Tuesday’, it shouldn’t be spoiled today (Thursday).  I don’t know about you… I don’t drink tea that is two days old.


We talked to the male waiter… I asked him ‘why’ there wasn’t pork meat filling in the wontons.  He said he didn’t know, he’d been there for six months and they served the wonton soup like that.


We asked him ‘why’ couldn’t we order ‘shrimp chow mein’… he said they’d quit making that dish just before he came.  He had no idea ‘why’ the wonton soup was like it was, ‘why’ they didn’t make shrimp chow mein now.  He said that they were told to use one tea bag to make the tea like that… and two days wasn’t too long to keep it.


We did enjoy the dishes we ordered… so, all wasn’t lost.  When we paid for our meal, the woman at the register asked us how was everything.  I decided to tell her the truth in a nice way… well, she became defensive, wanted to argue with me saying that really the tea was good, it was only two days old.


I wasn’t going to let that escalate into something ugly… I told her that she shouldn’t argue with a customer whenever they tried to tell her about their dining experience…. especially after she’d asked them.  We paid her, left the restaurant.


Needless to say… we won’t go back to that restaurant again.  It’s a beautiful restaurant… for some time now, things have changed there.  Things such as the waitresses walking outside the glass doors to smoke, come back in and go to someone’s table, pick up glasses they are drinking from … to take them to refill them.  No one had thought of …. simply washing their hands first.  I’m always the one to see such things as this.


Once we went there for lunch, our waitress said she’d just gotten there.  Her clothes were really dirty… like maybe she had worn them the last time she worked.  They were also, wrinkled.


We’ve given the restaurant a lot of chances… this was the last today.  There were more things I haven’t mentioned, I don’t think there’s any need to.


Goodbye Chinese restaurant… we didn’t see any Chinese people working in there… maybe that’s ‘why’ a lot of things.  Who ever heard of a Chinese restaurant serving wonton soup without meat filling in the wontons… not making shrimp chow mein?


I have to say this much… it’s sometimes hard to find good tea in a lot of Chinese restaurants… so, that didn’t bother us.

Her World Is Going To Be Alright…


Her World Is Going To Be Alright


By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee


They sat by the little fish pond


Each the love of the other’s life


Talking, laughing as they fed the fish


She looked up at the sky


Turned her head, she heard a rustling


She saw leaves flutter to the ground


It was fall time, their favorite time of the year


He’d been very ill, in the hospital


They were now, getting a start on fall things they loved to do


As they sat there, they spoke of having no one


No one but, themselves… she was there for him


His wife… he was there for her… her husband


She threw bread crumbs out over the water


He threw his bread crumbs, too


Many little fish came to the surface, little mouths feeding


As she listened to her husband’s voice


She leaned back in her chair for a moment


Closed her eyes, felt the breeze… heard his voice


Felt the urge to go to sleep as the thought crossed her mind


It’s so peaceful here, listening to the wind in the trees


Her husband’s voice comforted her, soothed her to sleep


She woke in a moment, smiled at herself


I think my world is coming back together


Everything is going to be alright


They’d hit another rough time in their life


A storm threatened to overturn their boat


Threatened to take one away


To leave the other here alone in this big, old world


She looked up at the sky, thanked God


Thank you, God… for not taking Skip


He’s all I got, he and the Pups


They are my whole life, I have no one else


Thank you, Lord… for not taking him away


She took a sigh of relief, many she’s taken


Since the day he began to improve


When she knew he was going to be alright


Gloria smiled at him as they made plans


About things they wanted to do in the future


Yes, her world was going to be … alright


Tommy Couldn’t Sing… But, It Was Beautiful To Me

Tommy Couldn’t Sing… But, It Was Beautiful To Me

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I’ve been having a ‘Tommy Day’…  all day I’ve ‘seen Tommy everywhere’.  I’ve been tearful, wishing for my son to be here.  Every tall, muscular big guy who is blonde-headed … has looked alot like Tommy.

I’ve seen Tommy everywhere.. today.

Sometimes, I just hold my head in my hands, my eyes closed tightly, tears falling… as the pain of knowing he’s really ‘not here’… washes over me.  It weakens me when I feel ‘strong’ again.

I wish my son was here, even if he wanted to ‘mess my hair up’… I would gladly let him.  Tommy used to do that because he was so much taller than I… and laugh so much!

This happens through time since Tommy died…  over and over.  ‘When?’… it just happens out of the blue… grief.

Out of the ocean of pain one can’t see with the naked eye…. a huge wave of pure grief washes over me, threatening to pull me out to sea… the sea of the most awful pain a mother ever knows in her life… the death of her child.

The grief I feel … I really try so hard to hold it inside … I think I can only go so long fooling myself into thinking…. I won’t cry anymore, that I’ve reached a place in time …. the pain won’t hurt now.  It’s all a lie, you know.

See, when this mother lost her son… she still hurts to the depths of her heart, soul.  Did you read my poem ‘Footprints In The Sand…  Side By Side’?  Did you ‘see, feel’ my heart breaking as I wrote that sometime ago?

I tried reading it to Skip again, I broke down crying.  So much of my ‘pain, grief’ was infused in every word I wrote in that poem.

Writing my pain…………. I feel every stroke…. letter I type… it hurts so bad.  When I’m happy…  every letter, stroke feels so… good… when I’m typing out .. happy colors of my life.

I was trying to ‘feel Tommy, feel my son’… as he left the sand that evening… that evening when… he had ‘to go home’…….  when I wrote that poem.  A mother can ‘think like her child’ sometimes… because they know them so well.  There are things ‘I know’…. because I’m Tommy’s mother.

I was trying to feel my little grandson’s heart… as he ran to his daddy, the big guy on the ground.  I can ‘see, hear’ Taban in my mind as I imagine him running to his daddy asking in his sweet voice…. ‘Daddy, are you playing?  Daddy, won’t you get up, come play with me?’.

Can you imagine a little three year old boy who looked up to his daddy, wanted to do things ‘just like daddy’…. standing, maybe dropping to his little knees …taking his little hands to shake, touch… trying to wake his daddy up?

You see… these are thoughts that go through my mind, torment me… and my heart feels for this little grandson of mine.  Afterwards, he would lay down on the ground sometimes to look up to the sky… and say ‘my daddy’s dead’.  It broke my heart.  I still see this inside….

I see his little face looking up to the sky saying, ‘my daddy’s up there’.  Lately … Taban’s little sweet face has filled my mind…. I wish to see him so much.

Yesterday as I drove along… there was a white pickup in front of me with two big, strong guys inside.  I didn’t pay them alot of attention… at least I didn’t think I was….

My mind was on Tommy … so much.  Miles down the road, I began to be conscious of ‘myself paying close attention’ to the two big guys in that white pickup truck.  I became aware of ‘why’ I was thinking of Tommy so strongly …

I had been watching as I drove along… those two guys ‘looked like Tommy’ from where I sat.  Those two guys were being playful, having a fun time riding along.  I ‘saw Tommy’ … when the guy on the passenger side began ‘to dance’, to be ‘silly, carefree’.

He put his arms up in the air, rocked his body as… he kept rhythm to the music.  I could see his profile as he turned his head… he was…. singing!

Tommy!  That’s how Tommy used to do when he was happy, silly, carefree!  I began smiling, tears ran down my face…. I ‘felt‘ those two guys in front of me…. I ‘felt feelings a mother would have toward her child’….. he’s happy, life is good.

I felt happy that ….they were happy.  I felt happy when my son was happy… he never knew alot of happiness.  It meant so much to me when he was happy.

My son, my precious son… I miss him with my very heart.  At this moment… as I think about those two big guys on that white pickup (Tommy drove a big, white pickup, also)…. I smile, my face wet from teardrops… diamond-like, sparkling teardrops.

I called Skip to tell him, and we talked for a while about Tommy… how he did this, how he did that.  If people saw me talking… they may have thought I was talking to myself… I was talking on the bluetooth.  My hair covers it… so, sometimes I will see someone staring… I know what they are thinking!

I am seeing in my mind this morning as I write… those two big, handsome guys… sons of mothers somewhere who are proud of them… just as I was of my big, handsome son.  Neither aware … of this mother who lost her son…. who for a few moments… ‘saw her son’……………… in their sons.

I smile this morning thinking a very silly question (yes, Tommy, even if you are gone I have to say this…..).  As I watched the profile yesterday of one of the big guys sing... I wondered this……… ‘can he really sing a tune?’

Tommy couldn’t sing!  (I had to say it, Tommy!)  :)))

P.S.  I can ‘see in my mind’…. Tommy smiling as I ‘told the truth’.  He used to tell me this… ‘mama, you are just jealous because I can sing, and you can’t!’

The truth was… Tommy sang just like his mama… neither of us could sing.  We could draw, paint, create…. but, we just … couldn’t sing!  Tommy, just because you are ‘gone’… I still have to say ‘you couldn’t sing’…… but, it was beautiful to me!